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Thread: Escape From PokeTopia: Disscussion Thread

  1. #1
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    Default Escape From PokeTopia: Disscussion Thread

    Disscussion Thread approved by:
    RaZoR LeAf


    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...opia-RP-Thread <--RP Thread

    Plot:    Spoiler:


    RP Thread Rules    Spoiler:


    Players List    Spoiler:


    Things to be discussed in this thread:
    ~Plot ideas (includes me revealing updates)
    ~Questions about RP
    ~Rating people's posts (correcting grammar, etc)
    ~Giving people advice on writing (ties in with ^^)
    ~Large OOC posts that don't really have anything to do with your character

    If you have any questions, don't be afraid to PM me or post here! After all, that's what this thread is for, right?
    Last edited by Keldminrachi91; 7th March 2013 at 10:02 PM.


    ~Back from hiatus (let's see how long this will last)~

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    YESH 'bout time we got one of these. THANK YOU SO MUCH KELDMINRACHI!!

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    I am glad that this finally was created. Thank you, mods. Anyways, when do our characters get to meet up? It would probably be best to alert the person that is going to create their second character. I also want some suggestions in what on earth I could write Gracena doing to introduce her. I will probably be editing this post with other people's posts reviewed. Anyone who wants to do the same with my post is more than welcome to. I'm on an iPod right now, so I can not copy+paste to review others posts. I should be home soon, though. Whose character should bring together the 'Mons in each Sector? Can we mix up the 'Mons from each Sector and have random parties (D&D kind) or should we finnagle with the story, have the chars transcend the Sector barriers and form groups based on personality?

    You seem to have me down in both the RP thread and this thread as not having my second character's profile done. That needs to be fixed before anyone gets confused.
    Last edited by Corrosion; 20th February 2013 at 2:12 AM.
    Quote Originally Posted by bobandbill
    Quote Originally Posted by zomegax7249
    So now it's not enough that we beat the NPCs, now we have to steal their clothes as well? Isn't this basically mugging them?
    Suddenly the aim of the Pokémon games is apparent. It isn't to catch them all, or to be the best trainer, or to learn about the values of friendship with strange monsters that can breathe fire and whatnot.

    It's to beat up other people for their hats and jackets.
    3DS FC: 0018-1095-7707
    Friend Safari: Pancham, Mankey, and Breloom
    Accepting any except for Electric
    PM me before you add me

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    My opening post was a little clumsy, and I apologise for that. Sometimes I feel I need to get all my thoughts down in one sitting, but wind up having trouble expressing exactly what I want to say. It's probably inexperience, and I expect to improve in future posts.

    I don't see why anyone couldn't cross paths with another character right now if they could make it seem natural. We can't get any closer to escaping yet, but I'm concerned that the thread has kind of stalled. Unfortunately, I don't think it would make sense for Una to happen on Malorie or Millie as things are, but it's something for people to consider.
    Last edited by TotalPotato; 20th February 2013 at 1:43 AM.
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    I would love for someone to review my own post, as I will be reviewing all the posts I can.

    You’re free to take my advice with several ponds of salt.

    But the higher her gaze travelled, the patchier the landscape became, and it wasn't long before the dark greens disappeared altogether.
    Delete the “s” in “greens”. With the “s”, you appear to be talking about vegetables, and not colors or landscape.

    "Gah! I'm too small for anyone I talk to to take me seriously, I'm too cowardly to get a good night's sleep even when I'm tied tightly to a tree, and now I'm too light to get over this hill without being blown away!
    “Anyone I talk with” would be a good replacement for the current word. You should also use semi-colons to serialize the list.

    She'd only left her brothers and sisters yesterday morning,
    This implies that she only left, not anything else, like leave behind. Move it to before “yesterday morning”.

    If she went far enough north, Una.
    You may eliminate “north”, because you mentioned it in the previous sentence.

    conditions had been still recently,
    This is phrased rather awkwardly; “still” is not a…usual adjective to apply to “conditions”.

    Una was about to turn back, when the clump of green turned around and extended a vine upwards towards some fruit.
    Either eliminate the comma, or re-phrase. There also needs to be a comma between “upwards” and “towards”.

    Her body gradually warmed under the focus of the sun's rays.
    In the dense undergrowth? You might want to add that it was slower than normal or that is was less effective.

    "...I'm not sure that's what I'm supposed to be doing," she finished lamely.
    Deleting the “lamely” would improve it.

    The Tangrowth dropped the fruit gently on the ground, and some waiting Spinarak immediately started eating it. Una was touched. "She seems nice."
    “Gently dropped”. “Immediately started to eat it”. "Touched, “she””.

    The Tangrowth extended her vine-like arm in a tutting gesture.
    .
    I'm pretty sure that “tutting” is something you do that has to do with reproaching vocally.

    A vine slithered slowly towards Una, but she jumped back as if it were an Ekans.
    Slowly slithered.

    Tangrowth had shot vines from her body before
    Before, you had said that the vines were “slowly slithering”.

    With that, Tangrowth suddenly began hurtling herself along.
    Does she even know where Una lives? Great opportunity for her to crash into the wrong abode.
    Last edited by Corrosion; 20th February 2013 at 4:32 AM.
    Quote Originally Posted by bobandbill
    Quote Originally Posted by zomegax7249
    So now it's not enough that we beat the NPCs, now we have to steal their clothes as well? Isn't this basically mugging them?
    Suddenly the aim of the Pokémon games is apparent. It isn't to catch them all, or to be the best trainer, or to learn about the values of friendship with strange monsters that can breathe fire and whatnot.

    It's to beat up other people for their hats and jackets.
    3DS FC: 0018-1095-7707
    Friend Safari: Pancham, Mankey, and Breloom
    Accepting any except for Electric
    PM me before you add me

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    My post was probably worse.


    I must say, I am 110% against this action, I mean, quoting Wikipedia, '' A world of free knowledge will be lost ''. I say screw SOPA and PIPA, and all who agrees with me, sig this! We all detest the bill and will fight for the freedom of the Internet!

    This is Bidoof. Many people loathe it with their lives. If you are of the few people who love this little beaver, put this in your sig. Started by Warrior Scolipede

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    Thanks for your help, wayjun. You're right on a lot of those, but let me defend myself on a few points:


    This is phrased rather awkwardly; “still” is not a…usual adjective to apply to “conditions”.
    Considering that lone Hoppip are at the wind's mercy, Una's main concern regarding conditions is how blustery they are.

    In the dense undergrowth? You might want to add that it was slower than normal or that is was less effective.
    She's in a forest, but it's not really that dense, as evidenced by the fact that she had a good view of a hill earlier.

    Deleting the “lamely” would improve it.
    Would it? I thought it helped illustrate her self-consciousness and insecurity about what she was doing.

    Touched, “she””.
    You may be right, but this looks awkward to me.

    Before, you had said that the vines were “slowly slithering”.
    That was earlier, when Tangrowth was trying to persuade Una gently.

    Does she even know where Una lives? Great opportunity for her to crash into the wrong abode.
    No, she doesn't. I don't imagine Hoppip to have permanent homes anyway. I appreciate you looking over my grammar, but I take offence to you assuming that I haven't thought these kinds of actions through. Such a thought failed to cross Una's mind because she was panicking, which is why it wasn't addressed. Tangrowth simply feels she can't leave Una on her own.
    100% of information in signatures on this forum involving percentages is false. If you feel as cheated by this atrocity as I do, don't you dare copy this into your signature.
    Hold on... if this percentage was correct at the time of print, that means the actual percentage of false information is less than 100% if this signature is included. Which means that... no! I've become a slave to the system!!

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    Considering that lone Hoppip are at the wind's mercy, Una's main concern regarding conditions is how blustery they are.
    Hmm...maybe calm instead? The stillness is still lodged in my mind, sorry.

    She's in a forest, but it's not really that dense, as evidenced by the fact that she had a good view of a hill earlier.
    ...I admit that I was confused. I had believed that she was on a hill and then traveling into the forest. ._. Sorry about that.

    Would it? I thought it helped illustrate her self-consciousness and insecurity about what she was doing.
    It may be more of a stylistic thing, but it's probably just me. I tend to not add adverbs after "said".

    That was earlier, when Tangrowth was trying to persuade Una gently.
    You may want to add a sentence that explains that.

    No, she doesn't. I don't imagine Hoppip to have permanent homes anyway. I appreciate you looking over my grammar, but I take offence to you assuming that I haven't thought these kinds of actions through. Such a thought failed to cross Una's mind because she was panicking, which is why it wasn't addressed. Tangrowth simply feels she can't leave Una on her own.
    Sorry. I tend to make statements that hurt others feelings without intending to. If I say something insulting, or anything ever suggests that I'm attempting to be insulting, please ignore it and tell me that. I tend to not know what will make others upset. Just ignore me.
    Quote Originally Posted by bobandbill
    Quote Originally Posted by zomegax7249
    So now it's not enough that we beat the NPCs, now we have to steal their clothes as well? Isn't this basically mugging them?
    Suddenly the aim of the Pokémon games is apparent. It isn't to catch them all, or to be the best trainer, or to learn about the values of friendship with strange monsters that can breathe fire and whatnot.

    It's to beat up other people for their hats and jackets.
    3DS FC: 0018-1095-7707
    Friend Safari: Pancham, Mankey, and Breloom
    Accepting any except for Electric
    PM me before you add me

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    Quote Originally Posted by wayjun View Post
    I am glad that this finally was created. Thank you, mods. Anyways, when do our characters get to meet up? It would probably be best to alert the person that is going to create their second character. I also want some suggestions in what on earth I could write Gracena doing to introduce her. I will probably be editing this post with other people's posts reviewed. Anyone who wants to do the same with my post is more than welcome to. I'm on an iPod right now, so I can not copy+paste to review others posts. I should be home soon, though. Whose character should bring together the 'Mons in each Sector? Can we mix up the 'Mons from each Sector and have random parties (D&D kind) or should we finnagle with the story, have the chars transcend the Sector barriers and form groups based on personality?

    You seem to have me down in both the RP thread and this thread as not having my second character's profile done. That needs to be fixed before anyone gets confused.
    Whoh. Lots to answer. I'll just separate this into sections for easier understanding.

    Anyways, when do our characters get to meet up?
    After everyone posts once or twice more, there will be something that draws them all together; that's when they will meet and discover they all have the same idea of escaping PokeTopia.

    I also want some suggestions in what on earth I could write Gracena doing to introduce her.
    Hmm, you could do something with her and her sister pulling a prank on a random Pokémon in the Sector, because the "get everyone together" part of the plot will come after everyone's posted once or twice, so try not to do anything that would take 10 posts to get through.

    Whose character should bring together the 'Mons in each Sector?
    Part of the plot; to answer, an NPC will

    Can we mix up the 'Mons from each Sector and have random parties (D&D kind) or should we finnagle with the story, have the chars transcend the Sector barriers and form groups based on personality?
    If you mean how we will travel, since only about 2/3 or so of the people who entered have replied and are actually trying to stay a part of it, we will all travel as a group, but there will be times in the plotline where we are split into groups, but more often than not, we will be traveling together.



    Also, I'm thinking of a way I could get everyone more involved in the plotline. So after the first few bits in the RP, once it's 100% confirmed who's in and who's not, I'll start PMing small plot details to players for them to reveal in their own way. This would add mix to the plot, and keep people involved (hopefully). So just tell me what you guys think about this.


    ~Back from hiatus (let's see how long this will last)~

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    Quote Originally Posted by Keldminrachi91 View Post
    Hmm, you could do something with her and her sister pulling a prank on a random Pokémon in the Sector, because the "get everyone together" part of the plot will come after everyone's posted once or twice, so try not to do anything that would take 10 posts to get through.
    Her sister is gone, though. I suppose she could be arguing with someone. Her parents, possibly. Thank you for giving me an idea.
    Quote Originally Posted by bobandbill
    Quote Originally Posted by zomegax7249
    So now it's not enough that we beat the NPCs, now we have to steal their clothes as well? Isn't this basically mugging them?
    Suddenly the aim of the Pokémon games is apparent. It isn't to catch them all, or to be the best trainer, or to learn about the values of friendship with strange monsters that can breathe fire and whatnot.

    It's to beat up other people for their hats and jackets.
    3DS FC: 0018-1095-7707
    Friend Safari: Pancham, Mankey, and Breloom
    Accepting any except for Electric
    PM me before you add me

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    You're welcome wayjun! I think it's everybody's job to help out others who are stuck and out of ideas, so don't be afraid to ask for help!


    ~Back from hiatus (let's see how long this will last)~

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    Quote Originally Posted by wayjun View Post
    Sorry. I tend to make statements that hurt others feelings without intending to. If I say something insulting, or anything ever suggests that I'm attempting to be insulting, please ignore it and tell me that. I tend to not know what will make others upset. Just ignore me.
    No worries, no worries. Like I said, I appreciate you taking time to help me out voluntarily. In future, when something I write isn't fully explained right away, please don't let your first thought be that I didn't think things through.

    Let me return the favour by looking over your post:

    but what survived for longer than expected had grown to be very tough, in mind or body. Paper was neither, but could provide the path to either.
    This made me stop and reread the excerpt before I got it. Try changing "had grown to be very tough, in mind or body" to "had developed real toughness of mind or body" and consequently "Paper was neither" to "Paper had neither".

    one must come to expect the posts of the gangs’ leaders to be the only thing that differs from year to year.
    Multiple posts, so "the only things that differ".

    The stagnant world of his would kill him before long
    When describing where you live, it's more common to use "This".

    but a there was a small kernel of hope in that there would be respite in escape.
    Remove the first "a". I'd remove the first "in" too, but that may be a stylistic preference.

    It had been a few days since he had changed the location of his stash, but it was not imperative until he was on the verge of being discovered.
    I think this would read better if you had "doing so again was not imperative" or "it was not imperative to do so again", but you may disagree.

    unless those he had angered knew where he was and were determined to do something about the varmint.

    ’Such as those who wish to harm me…they won’t,’
    This excerpt doesn't flow for me, but I can't think of any way to change it that doesn't overhaul the entire excerpt.

    it was his desire to not be smashed as before.
    This reads like he doesn't want to get drunk again or something. There are lots of ways you could rephrase this.

    ‘Profanity. I’ll have to make a premature relocation,’
    Maybe Damien's a bit flowery, but I don't think I'm ever likely to hear anyone say "profanity" as an exclamation. If you don't want to swear, try a milder alternative like "curses" (or something else if you feel that doesn't fit Damien's character).

    If this is just a local preference and people really do exclaim "Profanity!" elsewhere, ignore my criticism.

    That unidentifiable piece of semi-consumable
    Piece of consumable sounds off to me. Try removing "piece of".


    A lot of these are more "it doesn't quite feel right" than "this is a mistake", so take or leave my advice as you see fit.
    Last edited by TotalPotato; 20th February 2013 at 12:51 PM.
    100% of information in signatures on this forum involving percentages is false. If you feel as cheated by this atrocity as I do, don't you dare copy this into your signature.
    Hold on... if this percentage was correct at the time of print, that means the actual percentage of false information is less than 100% if this signature is included. Which means that... no! I've become a slave to the system!!

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    Thank you, @TotalPotato. About the "profanity" thing...originally I had him use "crap", but after Keldminrachi's declaration of "no swears, even mild ones", I had to change it. It's my way of protest against that rule.

    @MurgoUrth, here is a review for your post:
    And after he brewed a certain potion that he himself drank, his life would never be the same.
    “That he drank” would probably flow better.

    Bah-Kuu was upstairs in his bedroom, located in a random building
    If it’s his house, it’s probably not random.

    He had just came downstairs where his parents were.
    You say he’s upstairs, then you say he just came downstairs. Also, this is a sentence fragment.

    "Well, how's our little wizard holding up," was spoken by Bah-Kuu's mother.
    If it’s a question, it needs a question mark. “Was spoken” should be replaced with “said.”

    "Don't talk like that to me, Pinocchio," Bah-Kuu started. "A warlock
    If he starts, he has got to finish. Put a comma after “started”, and make the “A” lowercase.

    Both his parents looked back in surprise before turning to each other and back to their son.
    This implies that in turning back to each other, they are turning back to their son in the same movement.

    "Uh, Bah-Kuu mah boi, that's a stove,"
    Titles need commas to separate them from the other stuff. “Mah boi”, in this case, is a title.

    "In my kindom, we do not look highly on treason!
    *Kingdom, unless you mean family. “Look favorably” would make more sense, but as Bah-Kuu is insane…

    Afterward he lowered his hands and started out the door.
    There should be a comma after “Afterward”. “Afterward” should also be changed to “Afterwards”.

    Bah-Kuu emitted a ghastly laugh before disappearing
    “Emitted” is normally reserved for noises from machines, rats’ squeaks after being stepped upon, and stenches that come from things. This may be a point of style, but a different verb would probably suffice.
    Quote Originally Posted by bobandbill
    Quote Originally Posted by zomegax7249
    So now it's not enough that we beat the NPCs, now we have to steal their clothes as well? Isn't this basically mugging them?
    Suddenly the aim of the Pokémon games is apparent. It isn't to catch them all, or to be the best trainer, or to learn about the values of friendship with strange monsters that can breathe fire and whatnot.

    It's to beat up other people for their hats and jackets.
    3DS FC: 0018-1095-7707
    Friend Safari: Pancham, Mankey, and Breloom
    Accepting any except for Electric
    PM me before you add me

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    Yikes, I didn't realize how many mistakes were in my post. Thanks for the insight.


    I must say, I am 110% against this action, I mean, quoting Wikipedia, '' A world of free knowledge will be lost ''. I say screw SOPA and PIPA, and all who agrees with me, sig this! We all detest the bill and will fight for the freedom of the Internet!

    This is Bidoof. Many people loathe it with their lives. If you are of the few people who love this little beaver, put this in your sig. Started by Warrior Scolipede

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    I have sent PMs to the following people who still must post a character, RP post, or both.

    Username-what is needed-character

    wayjun- RP post- Gracena the Solosis

    Aakash-RP post-Chandler the Litwik

    ger9119-RP post/character- ???

    Also, don't be afraid to make a second post. If it's been awhile since you posted (2-4+ posts after yours), don't be scared to post. I think a rule where you have to wait for everyone to post once is silly, but as long as nobody has 10 more posts than someone else, I don't really care if everyone has a slightly different RP post count!
    Last edited by Keldminrachi91; 23rd February 2013 at 11:10 PM.


    ~Back from hiatus (let's see how long this will last)~

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    Sorry about not posting. Real life has been a [BEEP] and I didn't have any inspiration. I should be done with it today.
    Quote Originally Posted by bobandbill
    Quote Originally Posted by zomegax7249
    So now it's not enough that we beat the NPCs, now we have to steal their clothes as well? Isn't this basically mugging them?
    Suddenly the aim of the Pokémon games is apparent. It isn't to catch them all, or to be the best trainer, or to learn about the values of friendship with strange monsters that can breathe fire and whatnot.

    It's to beat up other people for their hats and jackets.
    3DS FC: 0018-1095-7707
    Friend Safari: Pancham, Mankey, and Breloom
    Accepting any except for Electric
    PM me before you add me

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    Quote Originally Posted by Keldminrachi91 View Post
    Also, don't be afraid to make a second post. If it's been awhile since you posted (2-4+ posts after yours), don't be scared to post. I think a rule where you have to wait for everyone to post once is silly, but as long as nobody has 10 more posts than someone else, I don't really care if everyone has a slightly different RP post count!
    Right now, there's no interaction between the players and no way to advance the story. That's why I haven't posted anything else.
    100% of information in signatures on this forum involving percentages is false. If you feel as cheated by this atrocity as I do, don't you dare copy this into your signature.
    Hold on... if this percentage was correct at the time of print, that means the actual percentage of false information is less than 100% if this signature is included. Which means that... no! I've become a slave to the system!!

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    Quote Originally Posted by TotalPotato View Post
    Right now, there's no interaction between the players and no way to advance the story. That's why I haven't posted anything else.
    I suspect that this is why no one has a second post for one character. If, in the next post, the mysterious NPC shows up, then we could advance.
    Quote Originally Posted by bobandbill
    Quote Originally Posted by zomegax7249
    So now it's not enough that we beat the NPCs, now we have to steal their clothes as well? Isn't this basically mugging them?
    Suddenly the aim of the Pokémon games is apparent. It isn't to catch them all, or to be the best trainer, or to learn about the values of friendship with strange monsters that can breathe fire and whatnot.

    It's to beat up other people for their hats and jackets.
    3DS FC: 0018-1095-7707
    Friend Safari: Pancham, Mankey, and Breloom
    Accepting any except for Electric
    PM me before you add me

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    TBH, the mysterious NPC won't show up for awhile, but I will post sometime today or tomorrow, and it will help move the story along.


    ~Back from hiatus (let's see how long this will last)~

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    Wayjun, Gracena's in the Western Sector, isn't she? You have her in the Northern Sector right now.
    100% of information in signatures on this forum involving percentages is false. If you feel as cheated by this atrocity as I do, don't you dare copy this into your signature.
    Hold on... if this percentage was correct at the time of print, that means the actual percentage of false information is less than 100% if this signature is included. Which means that... no! I've become a slave to the system!!

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    Quote Originally Posted by TotalPotato View Post
    Wayjun, Gracena's in the Western Sector, isn't she? You have her in the Northern Sector right now.
    ...I wrote the wrong thing. I'll go fix that immediately. I confused "north" with "up", since the Western Sector's up in the sky.
    Quote Originally Posted by bobandbill
    Quote Originally Posted by zomegax7249
    So now it's not enough that we beat the NPCs, now we have to steal their clothes as well? Isn't this basically mugging them?
    Suddenly the aim of the Pokémon games is apparent. It isn't to catch them all, or to be the best trainer, or to learn about the values of friendship with strange monsters that can breathe fire and whatnot.

    It's to beat up other people for their hats and jackets.
    3DS FC: 0018-1095-7707
    Friend Safari: Pancham, Mankey, and Breloom
    Accepting any except for Electric
    PM me before you add me

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    Okay, from now on, I will be keeping an RP Post Count here and in the RP. Only actual RP posts will contribute to this, though. It's just a way for everyone to see how many times they've posted.


    ~Back from hiatus (let's see how long this will last)~

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    Is this RP still active?


    I must say, I am 110% against this action, I mean, quoting Wikipedia, '' A world of free knowledge will be lost ''. I say screw SOPA and PIPA, and all who agrees with me, sig this! We all detest the bill and will fight for the freedom of the Internet!

    This is Bidoof. Many people loathe it with their lives. If you are of the few people who love this little beaver, put this in your sig. Started by Warrior Scolipede

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    Well, TBH I think only you, TotalPotato, and wayjun ever did more than a first post (some people didn't even make a FIRST post), so I'll try and see if the others want to continue participating, but if not then I'll shut it down because A) Four people in this would make certain planned-out plot points very difficult, and B) An RP of four people is REALLY small.
    Last edited by Keldminrachi91; 20th March 2013 at 4:30 AM.


    ~Back from hiatus (let's see how long this will last)~

  25. #25
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Black Isle, Scotland
    Posts
    1,743

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    Quote Originally Posted by Keldminrachi91 View Post
    Well, TBH I think only you and wayjun ever did more than a first post
    Good to know that my participation is valued.
    100% of information in signatures on this forum involving percentages is false. If you feel as cheated by this atrocity as I do, don't you dare copy this into your signature.
    Hold on... if this percentage was correct at the time of print, that means the actual percentage of false information is less than 100% if this signature is included. Which means that... no! I've become a slave to the system!!

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