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Thread: travels in unova

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
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    9

    Default travels in unova

    Chapter 1

    I woke up early on a Thursday morning. But, this isn’t any ordinary Thursday, today is my BIRTHDAY!

    I open the window, looking down at those pesky holes that a Pokemon always leaves in my lawn.

    “Today’s the day I catch you Trapinch!!!” I yell at the invasive Pokemon, who I know is out there.

    I was eager to go down stairs and see all my presents on my table. One labeled “From, Mom” was a big one! I was curios to see what was in the box but, suddenly my parents and sister walked down the stairs.

    Once they saw a glimpse of me by the presents they all yelled “Wait for your brother!”

    I ran back upstairs to see my brother slowly getting out of bed. I looked at him with a one of those “I’m not that surprised” look. Once he smelled the aroma of pancakes he was jumping up out of his bed and running down the hallway of our bedrooms.

    We all sat down and I said “I know what Pokemon I’m going to get.” They all weren’t surprised because they heard me yell it out of my window.

    After we all ate, my xtransceiver started to buzz. I yelled out “It’s AJ!”

    He talked on and on about his new pokemon venipede, he also added “I will be over in about 30 minutes.”

    After we hung up, my mom said, “We should open presents now.”

    Happily jumping into the kitchen I spotted the big one from before. I tore it the wrapping off and held it in the air.

    I then yelled “It’s a new bag!”

    Then one labeled “From Ciara and Conor”

    Knowing Ciara payed for it and Conor wrote his name on it I ripped it up and there was a box of 5 pokeballs! Then I looked at one more present. It was in a shape of a box. It had a tight ribbon wrapped around it. The writing said “From Dad”. I unwrapped thinking it would say it on the box but, it was just a white box with something fragile inside. I open it up and I see a shiny new pokedex! I hug everyone for the gifts and run out the front door. I see AJ walking down the street.

    “Come on AJ!” I yelled jumping in the air of the hot summer sun.

    When AJ arrived I saw him with a big box. He started saying that in this box there was bait and dirt. He explained “This is all I needed to catch my venipede!” I took some bait out and put it in one of the holes that Trapinch made. We waited for about a minute when we heard munching sounds. I dashed to the box and filled my hand with the dirt and threw it at him.

    Then I yelled “Gotcha!” I got a pokeball on my belt that my brother and sister got me and said “Go Pokeball!”

    I could hear it rattling in the hole. Then, SNAP! I thought I caught trapinch but then, my hand was bit by trapinch! I quickly yanked my hand out of the hole.

    AJ threw his pokeball saying “Go Venipede! Venoshock!” It was a critical hit! AJ yelled “Liam, Now!

    I threw the pokeball right at its head. It shook once, twice,and then third!

    “I finally caught him!” I said. I ran back into my house to show everyone. Then, I called everyone I knew on my xtransceiver! Then, my friend Liam called me. He said he was at castelia sewers. He said “I just saw a shiny rattata!”

    I was amazed and said “where is it!”. He looked disappointed and I knew what happened. He also said that he was coming back home. I told him we could come together for a battle when we meet on the same route.

    I threw my pokeball up and said “Go Trapinch!”

    Then, AJ looks at his pokeball, then he looks at Trapinch. He smiled at me saying “I been waiting for this for a couple of years now. Finally, we can have a battle.

    To be continued.....


    Credit to Chapter of Charizard for the awesome pic!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
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    Hoenn
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    213

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    I like this a lot. It's creative that he got the Pokédex from his parents rather than a professor. And the mix of regions from the start is interesting. I'm anticipating the next part. However, if there was one thing I would change, it would be the TBC at the end. Good job, though! I expect great things from this.

    EDIT: Of course, I see why you chose Trapinch. *facepalm* I am REALLY stupid.
    Last edited by Psychic; 19th March 2013 at 3:17 AM. Reason: advertising


    I'm not on much anymore...

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
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    84

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    Okay, so you seem to be new to Serebii Fan Fiction, correct? Well first off, welcome! It's always nice to see new writers and it seems that you have a certain zest for the art.

    Now, on to a review of your story itself. I'm not going to do a line by line deconstruction of your fic because I find that very rarely does that actually teach the writer anything. They tend to correct the mistakes but aren't really improving as an author.

    SOOOO instead, I'm just going to give some general pointers that I've found in my writing and based on reviews of others. First of all, you're writing a trainer/OT/journey fic. They are generally hated on this forum because so many people attempt to write them. However, don't let this discourage you. I think it can be done (and done well), the key is you have to find a way to set it apart from every other fic. Unfortunately for you, you haven't done that...yet. It's just very cliche to wake your trainer up on his first day, give him the Pokemon, and set out on what appears to be a standard adventure. Maybe you have big plans though for something bigger though that will help to differentiate your story.

    Second, the Trapinch. Your story takes place in Unova, correct? The only problem I have with this is...there's no reason he should have a Trapinch yet. If you're going off of Black/White canon, you can't find a Trapinch until the White Forest (aka post-Elite 4). If you're looking at Black 2/White 2 you can't find one until the desert resort/twist mountain and even then they are fairly difficult to find. Adding to the fact that it seems that Flygon is your favorite Pokemon, you're verging on Mary-Sue status (IE going out of your way to make your character extra special). Be careful with that. Readers won't enjoy that sort of thing.

    You also need to work on description. One of the things that really makes a trainer fic work is when the world seems totally alive. You pretty much just TOLD us things without SHOWING us them. For instance, you said "there's a Trapinch digging holes in my front yard". Nice. But let's assume I'm the dreaded genwunner who has no idea what a Trapinch is. You have to describe it so I stay engaged in the story. Also, getting a proofreader isn't a bad idea. Your diction and writing style is very choppy and you bounce from event to event without a certain level of flow. This comes with practice (and even I don't quite have it down).

    Okay, with all that out there, I'm sure I seem like I'm harsh...but I'm not. In fact, your fic has some fairly redeeming qualities. A.) At least his birthday had some significance. He got everything necessary for his journey as presents. Usually, a typical trainer fic just throws out the arbitrary "i'm ten so now I'm a trainer LOLZ" and sends him right on his way. Also, your protagonist obtained his starter in a fairly non-traditional way (he had his friend battle for him). Nice divert from the typical "recieve-your-starter-from-regional-professor" method. So basically what I'm seeing is a whole lot of cliche mixed in with some actual originality, alone with some grammatical errors and a lack of fleshing out the story. Luckily for you, there's a very easy fix!

    Start reading more fan fiction. Especially trainer fics. The more familiar you become with what makes a good OT fic and what doesn't you'll immediately start getting rid of cliches, you'll become more aware of proper grammar/formatting, and how to properly describe. So some recommendations for you to help improve would be the Hoenn Remake by Deadly.Braviary (excellent description of a lush environment, great twist on an older generation), Brothers' Bond by Sid87 (an OT/journey fic for the most part, but a definite twist on the genre. A very good view of what paths a fic like that can take), and Max's New Adventures by RealRaymon (an oldie but a goodie. Just a solid story line showing how an OT fic should be pulled together). These are obviously just starting points but any amount of exposure you get to other fics will be good for you. Whether you're reading old standbys like the one's I listed above, new fics as they hit the forum, or even my fic (link in signature) so you can see where I'm coming from, all will be excellent resources. Good luck!
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  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
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    Graivty Falls, Oregon
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    One thing I notice is that you have some past/present tense mix ups. I'm not sure how you'll reply to this statement of mine, but most people say "oh im just bad at that stuff LOL" so don't say that and I can help you figure it out.

    So. First line of your story, you have First-Person Present Tense established as your tense. The hero is narrating the story, and narrating the stuff that happens to him as it is happening. It's important to keep the tense consistent so everybody knows just when it happened in relation to everything else.

    In this sentence, you start getting mixed up.

    I ran back upstairs to see my brother slowly getting out of bed. I looked at him with a one of those “I’m not that surprised” look. Once he smelled the aroma of pancakes he was jumping up out of his bed and running down the hallway of our bedrooms.
    See? You begin mixing up past-tense verbs in with present-tense verbs. It's easy enough to fix, just pick one and run with it the rest of the story. Here's your sentence in present-tense (changes in bold):

    I run back upstairs to see my brother slowly getting out of bed. I began looking at him with a one of those “I’m not that surprised” look. Once he started to smell the aroma of pancakes he was jumping up out of his bed and running down the hallway of our bedrooms.
    There's not even that much to change, see? Just a little mistake, easily fixed.

    I'm not going into the "creative" aspect of anything. It doesn't really matter what Pokemon he gets, or how he gets it if it's written well. Hence, I shall now focus on that.

    AJ threw his pokeball saying “Go Venipede! Venoshock!” It was a critical hit! AJ yelled “Liam, Now!
    It would make it more interesting to your reader if you detail how Venipede aimed especially well for this attack, or if he worked especially hard for it because he was excited, or somesuch. And because of that, it was especially effective. Doing it that way allows us some details about the Venipede, and tells us more about the battle and excitement around it than just saying it was a critical hit.

    Anyway. If the stuff I suggested seems hard, it's because writing is hard. But so is anything worth doing, really. Let me know if you need any help, I hope I'm not coming off as arrogant or mean. I'm just trying to say what I think could be improved, and maybe I need to work on that. I wish you good luck!
    Last edited by chanseychansey77; 25th February 2013 at 8:54 PM.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
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    330

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    You also need to work on description. One of the things that really makes a trainer fic work is when the world seems totally alive. You pretty much just TOLD us things without SHOWING us them. For instance, you said "there's a Trapinch digging holes in my front yard". Nice. But let's assume I'm the dreaded genwunner who has no idea what a Trapinch is. You have to describe it so I stay engaged in the story. Also, getting a proofreader isn't a bad idea. Your diction and writing style is very choppy and you bounce from event to event without a certain level of flow. This comes with practice (and even I don't quite have it down).
    Hello, calling from Gen1.

    Yes, a description of Trapinch, Venipede, and the xtranciever would be helpful.

    Also, I'm not sure about this:

    Knowing Ciara payed for it and Conor wrote his name on it I ripped it up and there was a box of 5 pokeballs! Then I looked at one more present. It was in a shape of a box. It had a tight ribbon wrapped around it. The writing said “From Dad”. I unwrapped thinking it would say it on the box but, it was just a white box with something fragile inside. I open it up and I see a shiny new pokedex! I hug everyone for the gifts and run out the front door. I see AJ walking down the street.
    Why would a Pokedex be fragile? A Pokedex is carried through a region by someone who's 10-15. It needs to survive possible submersion, freezing, heat, dust, grime, dirt, muck, mud, bashing, thrashing, dropping, throwing, kicking, etc. It should be durrable, not fragile.
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