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Thread: The Truth Behind Johto

  1. #1
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    Default The Truth Behind Johto

    Hey guys! I'm back with a new fan fic idea. I decided to drift away from trainer fics, as they get boring for me after a while. So I'm closing my other 2 threads, and working on this one. I've written a few chapters as well, so I hope you all like it.

    The first chapter is more of an introduction chapter, so not much happens in it.
    I kinda got this whole idea after playing Assassins Creed lol
        Spoiler:- Chapters List::


    Chapter 1: The Johto Underground!

    “A city that even now bears the mark of its history. That is Ecruteak City.”

    “Dude, this is so boring …” whispered Drake to his classmate.

    “I know … who actually cares about this stuff …” replied his friend.

    “Excuse me Drake and Mount. Got anything to share with your class?” asked the young teacher.

    “Uhm, no, miss,” Drake said nervously “Carry on …”

    The young teacher kept rambling about Ecruteak City, and all the events that took place in that very town years before. Drake looked up at the clock and muttered “Only five more minutes … c’mon …”

    ***

    “Ok group, class is over. Don’t forget to send me your work by seven. Remember, it has to be in PowerPoint 2048.”

    “Yes, Miss Lisa.” said the class in unison.

    Everyone left the class, including Drake and his group of friends.

    “Finally! Seriously, it seemed like that class took four hours!” complained Russell, one of Drake’s friend.

    “Yep, and now we can finally focus on the game later!” exclaimed Drake. “I’ll see you guys at six on the fields, ok?”

    The group nodded, and each of them went to their own home. Everyone was excited for the football game, especially because if they won this game, they would promote to the first league of Johto. The team consisted of fifteen players. Drake, a sixteen year old boy was the captain and the number ten of the team. In other words, the playmaker. He lived in Ecruteak City, was around 180 cm, and had short brown hair with sideburns, gelled at the front, giving him a fresh, young look. He liked wearing formal clothing such as jeans and a white shirt more than anything else. Drake wasn’t the usual sixteen year old boy in the Pokemon world though. He was popular, loved by girls and unlike most teens, he had no intention of becoming a Pokemon trainer. Instead, he wanted to be a professional football player. However, he still liked Pokemon.

    “I’m home!” Drake yelled as he opened the door.

    “Hey son,” his dad said “How was school?”

    “It was boring,” answered the sixteen year old boy, as his pet Aipom ran to him “Hey Aipom! How was your day, dad?”

    That was a useless question. Drake’s dad, a tall man with brown hair, a brown beard and glasses, was an architect and always worked at home. His days were always the same. Work in the office at home until Drake got home.

    “It was the usual. By the way, the men that will help us move are coming in a bit.”

    Drake’s family was moving to a different location of the city because of his mom's job, but he was still staying at the same school. His mom was very short, only around 160 cm; she had long blonde hair, and was rarely home due to all her work. Just like her husband, she was an architect. She was the leader of her company’s new project, a new Brass Tower to replace the Burned Tower. She was the one that drew it, and obviously would plan everything for it.

    “Ok. Where’s Rose?” asked Drake.

    Rose was his smaller sister. She was blonde and was ridiculously short for her age. She was five years old and loved Pokemon. Unlike Drake and her parents, she already knew she wanted to be a Pokemon trainer and most of the times was outside playing with Aipom.

    “She’s-“

    “Aipo!” interrupted Aipom, pointing outside with its tail.

    Drake walked outside with Aipom on his shoulder, and he smiled once he looked at Rose and she looked back at him.

    “Hey Rose! You coming to watch my game later?”

    “Hi Drake,” said Rose as she hugged her big brother “Of course I’ll watch your game!”

    Rose was a very happy girl. She didn’t have to worry about school or anything yet because of her young age, so she spent most of her time with Pokemon or her brother.

    “Awesome,” Drake said smiling “High five.”

    Both siblings high fived, and then Drake went to his room. He had the biggest room in the house, which itself also huge. His room was full of football trophies: “Best Player of the Year”; “Assist King”; “Team of the Year”, amongst others. There were also over fifteen posters with famous footballers glued to the walls. He took his team’s jersey, which had written on it “New Ecruteak”, the name of his team. The jersey was a dark red with black horizontal stripes going across it. He put all his equipment in a bag and went to the living room, where he found his dad putting the last decorations in boxes.

    “They’re here, huh …”

    “Yeah. Just need to finish this up and we’ll be able to leave.” replied his dad.

    “Let me help you carry these boxes.”

    “Don’t you have to go to the game?”

    “It’s only at seven.” Drake replied.

    Drake and his dad packed everything up, and took everything outside, where Rose and Aipom were waiting. The moving company took everything away, and in the blink of an eye, Drake, his dad, Rose and Aipom were looking at an empty house.

    “Hey guys! Thank God I’m not late!”

    They all turned around and saw an old, short and chubby man. His hair, or what was left of it, was all white. He had age spots, and walked slowly towards the family.

    “Hey, dad.” Drake’s dad said, as he quickly walked to him and helped him walk faster.

    “Hey grandpa!”

    “Why are you here, dad?” questioned Drake’s dad.

    “I have something to give to all of you! Now that you will live more far away, we won’t see each other as much, so I thought a present would be great!”

    Their grandpa started taking things from a handbag he had brought. First, he gave Rose a Poke Ball.

    “Thank you, grandpa!” chuckled Rose.

    Then, he gave Drake a book. The title of the book was “The Johto Underground”, and it was about the history of Johto.

    “Uhm, thanks, grandpa!”

    “Oh stop it! I know books aren’t the best present to give sixteen year old kids, but this book was found forty years ago, in 2010. This research team found it hidden under all the dust and stones in the Burned Tower. This is the only copy of it … I thought you might enjoy it!”

    “So how did you get it ..?” asked Drake, intrigued.

    “He was part of that research team.” said his dad, in a proud manner.

    “Just take a look at it, I think you’ll enjoy it! And for you son, take this amulet. It belonged to your mother. It certainly brings back great memories of her, you and your brother,” said their grandpa. ”Well, I must go now! I hope you like your new house!”

    As grandpa walked away slowly, Drake realized that it was time for him to go. He ran to the fields, as his dad and sister went to their new home.

    ***

    “Hey guys! I see you’re here already. You know that the captain is the only one supposed to be early, right?” joked Drake, as he saw Mount and Brad playing.

    “Haha, you know us, we like to be early to practice a bit.”

    Mount was the team’s strikers while Brad was the team’s goalie. They were brothers, both were tall, only a few months older than Drake, and both were tremendously muscled. Many Chuck Norris jokes were made about them because of how strong they both were. As they practiced, more players showed up. First Andy, then Russell, and so on. They all got ready, and the opposing team started showing up too. Many people came to watch the game, including Drake’s dad and Rose, who were right there next to the field. Right before the game, both teams were in their own locker rooms.

    “C’mon guys, let’s win and go to the first league!” yelled Drake to motivate everyone to do even better.

    “Yeah!” they all yelled out in unison.

    The game started with the ref’s whistle, and from the first minute, New Ecruteak dominated. Mount was threatening to score right on the first minute, with a shot on the post. The game passed quickly, with the team’s domination. New Ecruteak ended up winning 4-1, with three assists by Drake. After the game, Drake’s team celebrated in the locker room. Eventually, they all left but Drake, who always took a longer time getting ready because he insisted in taking huge showers.

    “Well, we really dominated that game!” Drake thought to himself.

    Drake went outside, where his dad and Rose were waiting for him in the car. They congratulated him for the great game, and drove to their new house.

    “We still don’t have our furniture, so I’m not sure how you’ll entertain yourself Drake. Maybe study or something like that.” said his dad, trying to start a conversation to avoid an awkward car ride.

    “I will dad …”

    When they got there, Drake saw a house even bigger than his old one. It was painted yellow, had a huge garden with a lot of trees, but still captured the essence of a traditional Johto-nian house. They walked in, and Drake asked where his room was.

    “It’s upstairs. You got the biggest room again, Rose was afraid of choosing that one because she thinks Haunter’s are haunting it.” said his dad.

    “Thanks, I’ll check it now.”

    Drake went up the stairs and found a huge room. It looked even bigger because it was empty. Almost empty. On the floor laid a book.

    “Hmm…” Drake grabbed the book and read the title.”The Johto Underground ... that’s the book grandpa gave me…”

    Drake sat down, opened the big blue book, and started reading it.

    End of Chapter 1
    Last edited by TheSirPeras; 28th May 2013 at 9:38 PM.

  2. #2
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    Wow, this is sorta interesting. It is very mysterious at the moment, with a bit of an unexciting ending. Not much event, but good style of description and great character development. Overall, I like it quite a bit.

    -Shymain

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    Quote Originally Posted by Shymain View Post
    Wow, this is sorta interesting. It is very mysterious at the moment, with a bit of an unexciting ending. Not much event, but good style of description and great character development. Overall, I like it quite a bit.

    -Shymain
    I know, as a first chapter it really wasn't that interesting, but my aim was to get the characters out there and introduce the setting and all. From here on, it will definitely be more interesting (at least in my opinion haha)
    Thank you for the review ^^

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    Chapter 01

    I’ve never played Assassin’s Creed so I may miss some of the subtle nuances of that game if there are any.

    First thing is first, when using ellipsis you have to put a space before and after it. For example, “Dude, this is so boring …” would be how to format that.

    The group nodded, and each of them went to their own home, except for Mount and Brad who were twin brothers.
    The twin part seems a little tacked on. Firstly because it seems like such a strange detail to add on at this point of the story. It reads like “Mount and Brad stayed behind. Oh, by the way, they’re twins.” Another reason that this is weird is because we don’t continue with Mount and Brad and finding out what they’re doing. We move on to Drake and his life.

    The team consisted of fifteen players. Drake, a sixteen year old boy was the captain and the number ten of the team. In other words, the playmaker. He lived in Ecruteak City, was around 180 cm, and had short brown hair with sideburns, gelled at the front, giving him a fresh, young look. He liked wearing formal clothing such as jeans and a white shirt more than anything else. Drake wasn’t the usual sixteen year old boy in the Pokemon world though. He was popular, loved by girls and unlike most teens, he had no intention of becoming a Pokemon trainer. Instead, he wanted to be a professional football player. However, he still liked Pokemon.
    This is a description list and it’s something that should be avoided in writing. It makes it feel like you can’t properly describe him within the context of the story. Doing this takes a reader outside of the mindset of reading. When I see this pop up, I remember that I’m reading something that isn’t real. Obviously I know I’m not but breaking the suspension of disbelief is something you don’t want to do. We’re in the middle of reading a story, learning about the setting and wham a list of what a character looks like which goes on for a few lines. We stop reading a story and start reading a police description.

    “It was boring,” answered the sixteen year old boy, as his pet Aipom runs to him
    I would’ve liked this if you did not already mention that Drake was sixteen. His Aipom is supposed to “ran to him” since your story has been written in past tense so far.

    Drake’s family was moving, to a different location of the city. He was still going to stay in Ecruteak City, and in his school, but he was changing house because of his mom’s job.
    I’m almost certain that the first sentence has a comma splice. I think you should move the detail of the reason why he’s moving in the first sentence so that it would read as “Drake’s family was moving to a different location in the city because of his mom’s job though he would still be attending the same school.” It communicates the same message but less awkwardly.

    He took his team’s jersey, which had written on it “New Ecruteak”, the name of his team.
    You didn’t really need to make it clear that the teams name was New Ecruteak. I’m sure most would’ve been able to assume it was the name considering the city isn’t New Ecruteak.

    Drake and his dad packed everything up, and took everything outside, where Rose and Aipom were waiting. The moving company took everything away, and in the blink of an eye, Drake, his dad, Rose and Aipom were looking at an empty house.
    The scene where they suddenly pack up and move is a little jarring in my opinion. It’s introduced rather suddenly. We’ve just learned that they were moving a paragraph or two later they’re moving. In my opinion, you could actually get rid of the entire moving side-plot. You could just state that the family had recently moved and go on from there. It keeps a “new home” side-plot if you want to keep it while not having as awkward a set-up as the one you have now.

    Grandpa
    This scene is quite weird. Their grandpa just shows up out of the blue, gives them presents, and then leaves. He doesn’t stay to see the new house or catch up or anything. There’s no exploration of who the grandfather is outside of being a member of a past research team. We have no insight on his personality. Furthermore, you didn’t describe the scene too well. You didn’t give a description of their new neighborhood or even of the house. I assumed it was somewhere in the city since that’s where I live. In the context of the story, I’d assume it would be a quiet neighborhood with a lot of space considering they lived in a large house previously. You should take the time out to give us some context here.

    Okay, I feel like I don’t need to quote anymore to get my final points across. You should move the description of the new house to when it’s introduced and not after they played the soccer game. The soccer game could’ve been better illustrated. You essentially gave us a 20 second recap as to what happened in two sentences. There wasn’t much of a point to that. Since your story isn’t going to be primarily about soccer, I don’t think you should include too much of the actual gameplay in it unless you’re going to describe it in full and it’s relevant to advance the plot. Otherwise it feels like filler. Also, you seem to info-drop a lot primarily for character descriptions such as grandpa’s and Drake’s mom. Also, your re-introduction of the twins wasn’t pulled off well. They were introduced quickly and then dropped just to get a few passing lines in a rushed soccer game scene. I think you could simply eliminate them from the story at this point.

    As for the things I liked, you were pretty solid throughout the story with grammar and spelling. There were some mistakes but it’s nothing a quick read through a day after you finished writing. While the plot was a little slow to move, I think it’s good that you were able to introduce what will likely (I assume) be the kick-starter to the plot in the “Johto Underground.” I look forward to seeing what’s inside to book in future chapters.

    Fighting for real American turtles everywhere. Pro-Turtle since 6/30/13

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vern View Post
    Chapter 01

    I’ve never played Assassin’s Creed so I may miss some of the subtle nuances of that game if there are any.
    Nah there aren't. I just got this whole idea from the game, but there aren't

    First thing is first, when using ellipsis you have to put a space before and after it. For example, “Dude, this is so boring …” would be how to format that.
    Aaand I didn't know that :P xD I'll fix it

    The twin part seems a little tacked on. Firstly because it seems like such a strange detail to add on at this point of the story. It reads like “Mount and Brad stayed behind. Oh, by the way, they’re twins.” Another reason that this is weird is because we don’t continue with Mount and Brad and finding out what they’re doing. We move on to Drake and his life.
    Yeah when I wrote that and re-read it I did have a feeling that it would be sort of weird. I wanted to get some details about them, but yeah I guess it does sound pretty weird. I'll try to edit it the best way I can

    This is a description list and it’s something that should be avoided in writing. It makes it feel like you can’t properly describe him within the context of the story. Doing this takes a reader outside of the mindset of reading. When I see this pop up, I remember that I’m reading something that isn’t real. Obviously I know I’m not but breaking the suspension of disbelief is something you don’t want to do. We’re in the middle of reading a story, learning about the setting and wham a list of what a character looks like which goes on for a few lines. We stop reading a story and start reading a police description.
    I understand. Since it's a whole paragraph I'm not gonna edit that but will definitely change a few things in the chapters I've already written

    I would’ve liked this if you did not already mention that Drake was sixteen. His Aipom is supposed to “ran to him” since your story has been written in past tense so far.
    You know, it's not really a problem I have (the tenses) but sometimes, it does slip :P xD

    I’m almost certain that the first sentence has a comma splice. I think you should move the detail of the reason why he’s moving in the first sentence so that it would read as “Drake’s family was moving to a different location in the city because of his mom’s job though he would still be attending the same school.” It communicates the same message but less awkwardly.
    fixed it

    [quote]You didn’t really need to make it clear that the teams name was New Ecruteak. I’m sure most would’ve been able to assume it was the name considering the city isn’t New Ecruteak.[.quote]

    Eh you never know, there's some people out there... nah just kidding, yeah I see whatyou mean

    The scene where they suddenly pack up and move is a little jarring in my opinion. It’s introduced rather suddenly. We’ve just learned that they were moving a paragraph or two later they’re moving. In my opinion, you could actually get rid of the entire moving side-plot. You could just state that the family had recently moved and go on from there. It keeps a “new home” side-plot if you want to keep it while not having as awkward a set-up as the one you have now.
    I tried changing the sentence a bit to make it less weird and I said that he kept packing up. I'd rather keep the new house thing tbh :P

    This scene is quite weird. Their grandpa just shows up out of the blue, gives them presents, and then leaves. He doesn’t stay to see the new house or catch up or anything. There’s no exploration of who the grandfather is outside of being a member of a past research team. We have no insight on his personality. Furthermore, you didn’t describe the scene too well. You didn’t give a description of their new neighborhood or even of the house. I assumed it was somewhere in the city since that’s where I live. In the context of the story, I’d assume it would be a quiet neighborhood with a lot of space considering they lived in a large house previously. You should take the time out to give us some context here.
    What I meant there is that they were looking at their old house, now empty (so it wasnt a new neighborhood) but yeah I just reread that part and it wasnt very well described. About the grandpa, he's a little mysterious man it was supposed to be like that haha

    You essentially gave us a 20 second recap as to what happened in two sentences. There wasn’t much of a point to that. Since your story isn’t going to be primarily about soccer, I don’t think you should include too much of the actual gameplay in it unless you’re going to describe it in full and it’s relevant to advance the plot. Otherwise it feels like filler. Also, you seem to info-drop a lot primarily for character descriptions such as grandpa’s and Drake’s mom. Also, your re-introduction of the twins wasn’t pulled off well. They were introduced quickly and then dropped just to get a few passing lines in a rushed soccer game scene. I think you could simply eliminate them from the story at this point.
    I know, I had that in mind when I was writing this (that it was a filler). This chapter was sort of to introduce everything/everyone, the setting and at the end to introduce the main plot. But yeah, it was a filler.

    As for the things I liked, you were pretty solid throughout the story with grammar and spelling. There were some mistakes but it’s nothing a quick read through a day after you finished writing. While the plot was a little slow to move, I think it’s good that you were able to introduce what will likely (I assume) be the kick-starter to the plot in the “Johto Underground.” I look forward to seeing what’s inside to book in future chapters.
    Thank you, and I hope you enjoy later chapters

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    Chapter 2: The Four Chapters of the History of Johto!

    “Alright, let’s see what this has… Page one: “The Unown civilization”? Alright, let’s see what this brings us…” said Drake in a low tone, as he started reading the page.

    After reading the entire chapter, Drake was actually interested in a book for once, and in the history of Johto as well, something that Miss Lisa failed to do that year. In the end, Drake summed it up in his thoughts.

    “So, the first chapter of the history of Johto… So Arceus, the God of Pokemon created the Pokemon Unown in the beginning of time. Arceus apparently created all the Unown as a way of communicating with the three dimensional beings: Dialga; Palkia; Giratina. The Unown’s hidden power was a way of opening and shutting a dimensional portal… That’s why there’s an Unown of every letter. Once the puzzle was solved and the alphabet was in order, the portal would open. However, an ancient civilization outsmarted Arceus, and managed to solve the puzzle. This ancient civilization, whose name is unknown, wanted to get in touch with the after-world and Giratina. Arceus became enraged, and with that, added two more Unown, adding more power to the portal. The portal was too powerful however, and an explosion destroyed the whole city. So, the Ruins of Alph remained. Arceus locked the Unown in the Ruins, and left them there. However, a new civilization was born. It knew of the existence of Unown from drawings on the wall. This civilization was known as Alphown. A mixture of the ruin, and Unown. This civilization only wanted to live alongside the mysterious creatures, and tried to bring them back. They succeeded in discovering where the Unown were, and found puzzles that apparently were created by the Unown’s hidden power. They never managed to solve these puzzles, and eventually, the Alphown came to an end. The Ruins of Alph still remain to this day unknown by men.”

    Drake thought of how amazing and mysterious Johto really was, and decided he wanted to tell someone about what he had just learned.

    “Dad, I’m going out!” yelled out Drake, as he ran through the door.

    “But, it’s… night…” replied his dad slowly, as Drake certainly couldn’t hear him anymore.

    Drake took out his photch, a small green squared watch that also had every feature of a Smartphone, and said the name of his best friend, Mount. A female voice replied from the photch, and asked Drake: “Do you wish to dial *pause* Mount?” to which Drake replied “Yes.” A projected image came out of the photch, and it was his friend.

    “Hey dude! What’s up?” asked Mount.

    “Hey man, meet me outside the Kimono Dance Theatre ok?”

    “Uhm sure.”

    “Alright, see you in a bit!”

    Drake ran quickly to the old Kimono Dance Theatre. One of the oldest buildings in Ecruteak, not counting the two towers. In 2050 however, the Dance Theatre wasn’t used as much as before, and had a whole park built in front of it where people went to have fun.

    ***
    Drake sat down on a wooden bench when he saw his muscular friend walking slowly towards him.

    “Hey, you finally showed up!” joked Drake.

    “Yeah, sorry about that. Mom didn’t want me to leave since I have to study for math. Psh, parents right?”

    “Ha, tell me about it!”

    The two friends laughed for a bit, and then Mount sat down next to Drake.

    “So, what did you want to tell me?” asked Mount.

    Drake told him everything, from how Arceus created the Unown, to how the Alphown civilization ended. As Drake told the story to his friend, he spoke passionately about it, like if it was about Real Ecruteak, his favorite football team.

    “So wait, why did you want to tell me this?” asked Mount in a suspicious tone.

    “Alright, remember that history class we had about the Unown?”

    “Uhm, no. I don’t pay attention in class… do you..?”

    “I don’t… but it was that one time she was wearing that… you know what? That’s not the point!” said Drake awkwardly, while Mount started laughing.

    “Then what’s the point?” asked Mount.

    “When she taught us about the Unown, she told us something totally different. Something about the civilization leaving the Unown but creating puzzles so that someone later on could get to them…”

    “So what are you saying..?”

    “I’m saying that either our country has the history of Johto all mixed up, or there’s something hidden…”

    “Ok, wait. Where did you get this book?” asked Mount.

    “My grandpa gave it to me… he said he found it years before hidden under all the stones in the Burned Tower…”

    “Why don’t you go ask him? Last time I saw him he said something about witnessing the events 200 years ago…”

    “I will. At the beginning of the book, it said that Johto’s history had four different chapters. The Unown was the first one. I can’t remember what the second one was, but I’ll read it sometime tomorrow… and tell you about it.” said Drake.

    Mount nodded, and both friends went home.

    ***

    Drake lay in the couch, thinking of the Unown. The very next day he would go to his grandpa’s house after school to ask him about it.

    “Ugh, can’t sleep…” murmured Drake as he sat down on the edge of the couch.

    Drake got up, grabbed the blue book and started reading the pages following the Unown chapter.

    “The second chapter of Johto’s history. After the incident with the ruins, Arceus felt the need to have two leaders to prevent rebellions in Johto. He created Ho-oh, the Guardian of the Skies; and Lugia, the Guardian of the Seas. Arceus commanded Ho-oh to settle in the Ruins of Alph, and Lugia to settle in the Whirl City. If anyone was to show any sign of strength against them, the Guardians should eliminate them. This went on for centuries, until both Ho-oh and Lugia became crazy with power. They got the entire Johto population in the middle of Johto, where Ecruteak was created. Two towers emerged with the psychic powers of Lugia from the floor, called the Brass Tower and the Tin Tower. Ho-oh occupied the Tin Tower, whilst Lugia occupied the Brass Tower. After witnessing this event, Arceus gave up on the Johto region and started focusing on other zones. According to leader Ho-oh, this was a proof of how powerful he was as a leader, to even make Arceus leave Johto.”

    Drake started thinking of what he had just read, as he heard his dad yell from the other room for him to go to sleep. And he did.

    ***

    “So Drake, why were you up until so late yesterday?” asked his dad as they drove to school

    “Oh, you know. I was reading and stuff…” replied Drake nervously.

    “Oh yeah, how is the book grandpa gave you?”

    “It’s… great.”

    Drake’s dad parked the car next to the tall, grey building and Drake left the BMW. He walked to class to leave his green bag and went to talk to a brown haired girl named Lauren. She was a bit shorter than Drake, had round glasses and was wearing a striped skirt and a beige shirt.

    “Hey Lauren, how are you?” said Drake in a very charming way.

    “Oh… Drake! I’m, I’m good. And how are… you?” replied Lauren astonished as she started blushing.

    “Everything okay?” asked Drake with a small smile.

    “Oh yeah everything’s amazing, why wouldn’t it be!” giggled Lauren as she started getting redder and redder.

    “Can I ask you something?”

    “Sure…”

    “You pay attention in history class right? Ho-oh is a known hero right?”

    “Oh yeah, he brought back Raikou, Entei and Suicune to life after the Brass Tower burned down.” answered Lauren brightly.

    “Alright, thanks!” he said as he walked away towards his friends.

    “No, wait,” but it was too late. “Damn…”

    Drake pulled Mount away and whispered to him that he had something to tell him after school. Mount knew what it was about, and they both nodded secretly. The rest of the day passed quickly, through boring Math and English classes. After school, Drake and Mount were talking in the parking lot.

    “Alright, what anything new to tell me?” asked Mount.

    “Ok, so I asked Lauren if Ho-oh is a hero in Johto, and she said it is. We probably should have known this without asking her, but whatever.” Drake was embarrassed.

    “So what?”

    “So… the book says that Ho-oh and Lugia were both created by Arceus. To rule over Johto, but they ended up getting too much power. They created the Tin Tower and the Brass Tower to live there, and got the entire population of Johto to build Ecruteak City…” Drake said slowly. “Somehow, Ho-oh’s and Lugia’s dictatorship have been hidden from us. What we are currently learning has to be their way of covering what really happened.”

    “Who’s “their”?” asked Mount.

    “I don’t know yet… I have to talk to my grandpa about this. I’ll do that right now. I have the book in my bag right now.”

    “You do that. Tell me what happens afterwards, ok?” Mount said with a smile on his face.

    “I will. Alright, see you later!”

    Drake walked to his grandpa’s house which was close to school. He lived in a small apartment in a building close to the Tin Tower. The building itself seemed like it was about to fall over, but Drake’s grandpa always refused to move. Drake approached the entrance which was locked, and ringed the bell to apartment 2 Left. There was no answer.

    End of chapter 2
    Last edited by TheSirPeras; 23rd May 2013 at 7:20 PM.

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    Chapter 02

    The Runs of Alph
    Ruins.

    “Yes.”.
    Misplaced period.

    Mount nodded, and both friends went home.
    That was a rather weird scene. What was the point of them going to the park? The exact same thing could’ve happened over their photch and nothing would’ve been different besides the fact that they both would’ve been home already. There was really nothing to hide, that they or we know of, at this point so I don’t see why exactly they had to go out and meet someplace else. If I were Mount, I probably would’ve punched him for dragging me out just for that.

    I also don’t understand how a history teacher wouldn’t have mentioned some alternate history for the country in class considering that it was dug up by a research team. I mean, wouldn’t there be multiple people that would already know about this alternate history considering that it was discovered by an actual research team and would’ve been reported.

    But maybe I’m looking too much into this at the moment.

    According to leader Ho-oh, this is a proof of how powerful he is as a leader, to even make Arceus leave Johto
    I think this should be written in the past tense just like the rest of the paragraph was. It was kind of off-putting as to how it went from “Arceus gave up on Johto” to “Ho-Oh is this powerful.” It could simply be “According to Ho-oh, this was evidence of how powerful he was as a leader: he even caused Arceus to leave Johto.”

    Drake pulled Mount away and whispered to him that he had something to tell him after school. Mount knew what it was about, and they both nodded secretly.
    Why are they so secretive about this? It kind of makes no sense when you consider that this was a discovery made decades ago by a team of researchers. Even if there is only one copy of the book, the news should’ve made the rounds.

    Anyway, outside of that plot point, I have no complaints about the chapter. The pace was pretty quick but that’s about it from my end.

    Fighting for real American turtles everywhere. Pro-Turtle since 6/30/13

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    Quote Originally Posted by Vern View Post
    That was a rather weird scene. What was the point of them going to the park? The exact same thing could’ve happened over their photch and nothing would’ve been different besides the fact that they both would’ve been home already. There was really nothing to hide, that they or we know of, at this point so I don’t see why exactly they had to go out and meet someplace else. If I were Mount, I probably would’ve punched him for dragging me out just for that.
    Just a way of making things more interesting haha

    I also don’t understand how a history teacher wouldn’t have mentioned some alternate history for the country in class considering that it was dug up by a research team. I mean, wouldn’t there be multiple people that would already know about this alternate history considering that it was discovered by an actual research team and would’ve been reported.
    Plot xD


    I think this should be written in the past tense just like the rest of the paragraph was. It was kind of off-putting as to how it went from “Arceus gave up on Johto” to “Ho-Oh is this powerful.” It could simply be “According to Ho-oh, this was evidence of how powerful he was as a leader: he even caused Arceus to leave Johto.”
    Yeah it was a silly mistake. Next time I'll proofread one or two more times haha



    Why are they so secretive about this? It kind of makes no sense when you consider that this was a discovery made decades ago by a team of researchers. Even if there is only one copy of the book, the news should’ve made the rounds.
    Drake already realized something is going on, because of how his grandpa just gave it to him and then it says something completely different than what he had known, so for now he wants to take it easy

    Anyway, outside of that plot point, I have no complaints about the chapter. The pace was pretty quick but that’s about it from my end.
    Thanks haha

    Next chapter will take a while, probably only by the end of next week because I've got some school work :/

    Oh and 2 qquestions for you Vern. 1, do you think that my pargraphs with each chapter of the history of Johto are weird to read? Because of how it's so much info? Just wondering
    And second, are you interested or enjoying this story so far?
    Last edited by TheSirPeras; 23rd May 2013 at 7:21 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by TheSirPeras View Post
    Drake already realized something is going on, because of how his grandpa just gave it to him and then it says something completely different than what he had known, so for now he wants to take it easy
    I don't know. There doesn't seem to be anything strange about a grandfather giving his grandson a book and it just so happens to have an alternate history of a country. I mean, what does he realistically think Drake can do or if anything needs to be done? Unless, that's revealed later in the story in which case shhhhh.

    Next chapter will take a while, probably only by the end of next week because I've got some school work :/
    All of the more time for you to work on it.

    1, do you think that my pargraphs with each chapter of the history of Johto are weird to read? Because of how it's so much info? Just wondering
    And second, are you interested or enjoying this story so far?
    I don't find them weird to read. It does kind of feel like a summary though (which it is obviously). Maybe you can have him recapping the chapter's details with Mount or something. It'd be less "weird" if he were explaining it to someone who did not actually know about the contents.

    I'm interested in it since it has potential to be very enjoyable. I find it enjoyable at the moment. I'm just seeing where things lead up from here.

    Fighting for real American turtles everywhere. Pro-Turtle since 6/30/13

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    Quote Originally Posted by Vern View Post
    I don't know. There doesn't seem to be anything strange about a grandfather giving his grandson a book and it just so happens to have an alternate history of a country. I mean, what does he realistically think Drake can do or if anything needs to be done? Unless, that's revealed later in the story in which case shhhhh.
    Well then shhhhh xD

    I don't find them weird to read. It does kind of feel like a summary though (which it is obviously). Maybe you can have him recapping the chapter's details with Mount or something. It'd be less "weird" if he were explaining it to someone who did not actually know about the contents.
    Yeah that's kinda how I felt when I wrote it, but I wasn't sure how to do it :P Thank you for the tip, I probably will do something like that to make it less weird

    I'm interested in it since it has potential to be very enjoyable. I find it enjoyable at the moment. I'm just seeing where things lead up from here.
    Well I already got the whole plot planned out (just fixing a few points here and there), so I do hope you like it And your reviews are greatly appreciated

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    Hey!

    So, it looks like Vern has covered a lot of the bases here, so it might feel like I'm treading similar ground in this review.

    Chapter 1

    In general, you have the structure and bare-bones of a solid story here. You clearly have a cast of characters in your head that your attempting to play against each other and it's generating some limited success. The Grandfather character, specifically, has potential to be very good if you write him correctly. He certainly falls in line with a host of other wise/mysterious/light-hearted grand father characters with a storied past. Even more, your grammar and spelling was satisfactory throughout. It never drew me out of the story too many times, though I would definitely keep checking (and double checking!) to make sure your story doesn't have any silly mistakes. I'm not going to sit here and lecture you on the proper usage of commas, semi-colons, e.t.c. because you already know how to use them.

    Now, on the other hand, I've got some problems with a lot of the characters, the plot, and specifically, how both of these elements are explained to us. Like Vern said, you have a tendency to list things off instead of working them naturally into the story. I get the sense that you want to get these descriptions over with as fast as you can so you can get directly to dialogue, which doesn't create a very interesting or compelling read. Check out this scene where you describe your main character.

    Drake, a sixteen year old boy was the captain and the number ten of the team. In other words, the playmaker. He lived in Ecruteak City, was around 180 cm, and had short brown hair with sideburns, gelled at the front, giving him a fresh, young look. He liked wearing formal clothing such as jeans and a white shirt more than anything else. Drake wasn’t the usual sixteen year old boy in the Pokemon world though. He was popular, loved by girls and unlike most teens, he had no intention of becoming a Pokemon trainer. Instead, he wanted to be a professional football player. However, he still liked Pokemon.
    That's a bit of a stiff read. You see, most of these things can be learned by the reader through scenes, interactions and dialogue. A Golden Rule in writing is that you should show not tell. For example, you say he was loved by girls, but why just tell us this? Why not have a scene where we see this fact in action? How about a scene where a group of cheerleaders scream Drake's name in the hallway as he walks by? Or a scene where a girl sheepishly asks Drake to spend time with her? Anything other than just telling us that girls like him. It comes off as flat and uninteresting. Your description of his appearance is ok, technically. But you should always avoid telling us how tall someone is in a plain unit of measurement like centimeters. Once again, as Vern said, it reads like a police report. And overall, I'm not sure how compelling or interesting this character is in the first place. Girls love him, he's hip, captain of the team, doesn't want to be a pokemon trainer but still likes pokemon, e.t.c.. He doesn't like learning, but that's mostly played for laughs instead of being an actual character fault. In the future, I'd like to see you highlight his flaws a bit more. Don't shove it in our faces, but make sure first and foremost that he is a believable character. I could go into more detail surrounding the other characters in the story, but they mostly have the same problems I just outlined. Their facts are told to us rather than shown, and they don't come off as particularly interesting or fun to read about.

    The plot largely is still a mystery at this point, but I still have some common sense questions. Like What's the point of them moving? Does it have anything to do with the plot? If not, why even include it in the story? Why did the Grandfather give Drake this book if it was literally the only copy of it in existence? Especially when Drake doesn't even like books to begin with! Does his Grandfather think he'll actually read it? Why? Did the research team know this was happening? Did his Grandfather hide it from them? If not, why is everyone ok with giving a 16 year old a precious artifact from the Burned Tower, one of Johto's most ancient places of interest?

    Now, whether or not you have answers to all these things, and I'm sure you do, they're not shown to the reader as clearly as they should be. Especially since these questions are ones that arise from a lack of believability in the world.

    So, overall, what you have here is a technically proficient story mired by flaws in story-telling. Now, if it seems like I’m being harsh, just remember, you are miles ahead of many similar fan-fic writer. You have a strong grasp of all of the basic elements of writing, and you know how to put them to work. But, you should always be striving to further increase the variety and quality of your language beyond just being proficient. Definitely, and this is something I would really really really encourage, go and read similar stories! I see this fic falling in the same area as books like the Artemis Fowl series and even the Golden Compass trilogy. If you want to learn how to write your scenes better, go pick up these books, or books like them in the young adult / fantasy genre, and examine how they write their characters and their action. You’ll learn so much just by imitating what they do and you’ll be a much better writer for it.
    I’m going to go ahead and read chapter two, but I won’t write another review until chapter three comes out, and hopefully you’ll keep all these things in mind while you write it.

    Keep up the good work!
    Last edited by folksy; 24th May 2013 at 12:39 AM.

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    I'm just gonna reply like this because doing the quotes part takes a while haha

    First of all, thank you for taking your time to post

    I definitely understand your point (like Vern's as well). I have already the next chapters in mind and a few written, and I will make sure I don't make those lists, and when I introduce new characters I will try to show not tell (I've always had quite some difficulty doing that, normally I like getting straight to the point, which is a big flaw).

    For your second point, the moving was really just because my chapter 1 felt empty and it ended up being what made Drake read the book since he didn't really have anything else to do, you know? Your other questions about the book and all that will eventually be answered later in the story though. I'm trying to keep this quite mysterious and weird at this point, to make the readers wonder and think like, what's the point.

    With this feedback (and Vern's), I will definitely be changing up chapter 3 to make it better, however like I said earlier, it will take me a while to actually post/fix it.

    Thank you for your time and I hope you enjoy this fic, as for the first time writing a fic (that isn't a trainer fic), I am really, REALLY enjoying it XD

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    Very nice. Some parts like the scenes with Mount and Drake don't quite make sense, as when the were talking at the park when there's no reason that they couldn't talk to each other over the Photch. Some of the timing is a little off with the interactions between the dad and Drake, as well. I really hate to say this but a lot of these characters are quite cliche, as well as the situations they're put into. Boy finds secret, keeps it to just himself and a friend, meet at a park, I don't know seems a bit weird.

    But I'm enjoying it so far, so overall, good job.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Frost Mage View Post
    Very nice. Some parts like the scenes with Mount and Drake don't quite make sense, as when the were talking at the park when there's no reason that they couldn't talk to each other over the Photch. Some of the timing is a little off with the interactions between the dad and Drake, as well. I really hate to say this but a lot of these characters are quite cliche, as well as the situations they're put into. Boy finds secret, keeps it to just himself and a friend, meet at a park, I don't know seems a bit weird.

    But I'm enjoying it so far, so overall, good job.
    Yeah they are a bit weird, but its just a way of making it more interesting than just talking over the phone. Im glad youre enjoying it

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    Well, I quite like this chapter. Some events happened, the book was interesting (I suppose Johto would know about Sinnoh mythology by 2050 and they would have blended together) and the chapter was a bit longer.

    More dialect than description in this chapter, and parts of this seemed forced, as if you weren't enjoying writing it. Yes, I know it's boring working towards the planned action, but you need to make the fic seem whole, put as much work into one bit as the other. You need to concentrate on the boring stuff that you don't want to write, and if it takes a while to get your creative juices flowing, well, so be it. You din't have any sort of deadline. Just relax your work, and let it flow from your pen.

    Just a sec.

    Ow!

    Back. I just had to slap myself because I was starting to sound all hippy with the 'go with the flow' talk. Anyways, love your writing most of the time!

    Keep writing!

    -Shymain

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    Quote Originally Posted by Shymain View Post
    Well, I quite like this chapter. Some events happened, the book was interesting (I suppose Johto would know about Sinnoh mythology by 2050 and they would have blended together) and the chapter was a bit longer.
    Glad you liked it

    More dialect than description in this chapter, and parts of this seemed forced, as if you weren't enjoying writing it. Yes, I know it's boring working towards the planned action, but you need to make the fic seem whole, put as much work into one bit as the other. You need to concentrate on the boring stuff that you don't want to write, and if it takes a while to get your creative juices flowing, well, so be it. You din't have any sort of deadline. Just relax your work, and let it flow from your pen.
    Yeah I get what you mean. I will go to chapter 3 and try to make the boring parts I find much more interesting to read

    Just a sec.

    Ow!

    Back. I just had to slap myself because I was starting to sound all hippy with the 'go with the flow' talk. Anyways, love your writing most of the time!

    Keep writing!

    -Shymain
    Haha xD Thank you

    Means a lot when people actually reply haha :3

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    Woot new chapter, managed to be able to edit it earlier than what I thought

    Took all the feedback in consideration and changed a few thingw, hope it's better

    Also, how do you guys like my banner (sig)?


    Chapter 3: The Time Traveler!

    “Grandpa, you home?” yelled Drake from the narrow street. There was no reply.

    “Hm, guess he’s not home… Better go back home then…”

    Drake walked through the old streets, next to the traditional Johtonian houses. Triangular shaped roofs, windows with metallic bars next to them, and huge green backyards, which contained a big variety of flying and bug type Pokemon, such as Ledyba and Murkrow.

    ***

    “I’m home.” said Drake as he opened the door and took off his shoes. Drake looked up and suddenly had a big smile on his face. “Hey! The furniture is back!” he exclaimed like he was talking to someone. Drake saw the blue carpet, the huge Sony TV’s he loved so much, the many couches in the living room. Everything was back, just the way Drake liked.

    Drake walked up to his room, which now seemed much smaller due to the lack of space. He lay on his bed and took out the book. He turned to chapter three, whose page was decorated with Ho-oh’s and Lugia’s paintings.

    “The third chapter of Johto’s history. Once Ho-oh and Lugia settled in each tower, they started gathering goods from the people. Mainly food and gold. It was said that Ho-oh was trading with Pokemon in a far away region. With the goods he received, he ordered his servants to build different secret places (known as the Portals) around Johto. The only Portal’s location that is known is the Violet City’s Pendulum Tower. However, it is said there is one in the corner of Johto. The others are unknown. Ho-oh & Lugia declared that the most powerful and loyal Pokemon would be a Guardian in each portal. In exchange, those Pokemon would receive several goods, such as a life potion, a drink created by Lugia to be immortal. Once the Pokemon were chosen, their identities remained secret. This strengthened Ho-oh’s and Lugia’s dictatorship, and any rebellions or rebels were immediately annihilated. That was what really made Ho-oh stand out from other leaders at the moment. His capacity of ruling and his power over everyone and everything.”

    “Ok, this is really weird… could it be that these Guardians still exist? And what is the Pendulum Tower? How did grandpa know of this..? If it was in the brass tower, could it also be in the Tin Tower? Hm…” Drake brainstormed about all of this for around ten minutes. He came to the conclusion that the next day, a Saturday, he would go to the Tin Tower to investigate.

    ***

    A blue BMW drove down the streets of Ecruteak as the rain hit the ground. Puddles were being formed, the sky was grey and cloudy, and it was one of those days where most teens would rather stay home and do absolutely nothing. Drake however, had a plan in mind.

    “So son, why do you want to go to the Tin Tower?” asked Drake’s dad as he drove his BMW.

    “I just need to find a book for school; they said they have it on the Tin Tower.” lied Drake as he looked out of the window.

    “Alright, what’s the book, I’ll help you find it!” his dad exclaimed.

    “That’s alright, you go find a book for you or something. It has a weird name, and I don’t feel like taking the paper out of my bag…”

    “You don’t have your bag here…” Drake’s Dad was very suspicious at this point.

    “Oh… Uhm… GREAT I FORGOT MY BAG! It doesn’t matter… I wrote it on my hand… but the rain almost erased it so…”

    The rest of the car ride was quiet.

    “Alright, we’re here! I’ll be by the café here. We’ll meet up later.” said Drake’s dad as his son walked away.

    The Tin Tower was an old building, but still one of the biggest in Johto. Since the older ages, it had a huge library in the first two floors. In the last fifty years however, huge changes came upon it. Many new places, such as the Tin Café and the Johto Museum were added to it. They were big attractions in Ecruteak City, and even Drake and his football team would hang out in the café after some of their games. The Tower itself was never rebuilt though, and its wood was so old that it would squeak whenever someone walked on it.

    Drake walked through the old corridors up to the entrance of the library. The Tin Tower’s Library wasn’t much visited. It had mainly old books, from famous writers such as William Noctowl, a Noctowl known for its classic books such as “Nidoking & Nidoqueen” and “MacBayleef”. It was one of the few Pokemon that were shockingly clever that humans in 2050 knew of. The library was nearly empty, except for the usual librarians. Drake went to the history corridor, and started searching for a copy of “The Johto Underground”. He searched for the book for a while, but he found nothing.

    “Excuse me sir, is there a book called “The Johto Underground”?” asked Drake as he noticed an old man with a brown beret rearranging books.

    “The Johto Underground…” the old man looked suspicious. “Hmm… we do not...”

    “Thank you anyway.” Drake replied.

    “Uhm but listen, kid. Stay away from that book. I’ve heard in legends that whoever that book falls upon, tragedy will as well…”

    Drake nodded and left. He met up with his dad and they both went home.

    ***
    “Hey Mount, I’ve got some news.” Drake said as the image of his friend appeared over the Photch.

    “Alright, what is it?”

    “I just read the final chapter of the supposedly history of Johto.”

    “What happened?”

    “Apparently, Ho-oh and Lugia collected goods from people and traded them with faraway Pokemon. The goods they were getting were being used to build these things called Portals, where four Guardians, or whatever they’re called, were hiding. They were strong Pokemon, and received goods like a Life Potion, which makes you immortal.”

    “That’s messed up.”

    “They were used to keep rebels under control, or just as killing machines. Then the last chapter said that to ensure extra safety in Johto, since more and more rebellions were occurring, Ho-oh and Lugia created three Pokemon. Raikou, Entei and Suicune, the beings of Thunder, Fire and Water. At first they were useful, but once they saw how the life of the population of Johto truly was, they rebelled as well. They defeated Ho-oh and Lugia, in exchange for their own lives. The Guardians are still alive, hidden somewhere in Johto… This book also said that they hid themselves in an immense sleep, to bring back Ho-oh and Lugia at a later date.”

    “How is that gonna happen?”

    “I don’t know. There was a note at the end though, from my grandpa. It said “Meet me in front of the Dance Theater.”

    “Are you gonna go there?”

    “Yep, first thing tomorrow…”

    ***

    Drake walked to the Kimono Dance Theater, with the book on his bag. As he walked by the park next to the Theater, he noticed his grandpa sitting on a bench.

    “Do you want to tell me what this is about? Seems to me like nobody else knows about it, since neither the schools nor the library knew about it.” Drake said firmly.

    “Drake… so you did read the book…”

    “Yes, I did. What is all of this?”

    “Let me explain. The reason why I added the note at the end was in case you read the book. Since you did, I guess I owe you an explanation.”

    “Yeah, you do!” Drake exclaimed. “Is this true?!”

    “First, let’s go to my house. I can explain things better there.”

    They both walked silently to his house, where grandpa quickly started answering all of Drake’s questions.

    “Hmm… Yes. It is true. That book was written by one of Ho-oh’s and Lugia’s loyal servants. It’s been two hundred years since the accident, and I have reason to believe that the guardians are planning their attack at this very moment.”

    “But why would you tell me this?”

    “Drake, I lived during the Ho-oh era. I managed to snatch a life potion while the Three Beings’ revolution happened. Not only does it make me immortal, it also slows my skin ageing. So, with all of the knowledge I’ve gathered throughout the years, I accomplished something. Something that might save the world if a strong teen like you carries it out.” Grandpa was very mysterious as he talked.

    “What is it?”

    Drake’s Grandpa showed Drake a white container in the room. It had many buttons, screens, wires, and there was a door to enter the container.

    “This, is a Time Machine, Drake. I want you to go back to the Ho-oh era.” his Grandpa was talking very slowly.

    A freezing breeze flowed by the room, accompanied by a long silence.

    “Drake, if you manage to stop the Three Beings and defeat Ho-oh, Lugia, and the Guardians, you might save the world. The Three Beings are very wise creatures, but they never knew of the plan of the guardians.”

    “How do you know all of this?!”

    “This Time Machine took me years to build, and now that I am old, I am not able to carry on this sub-revolution. However, when I first tried this machine, it worked. I was younger, and I managed to get some information, pretending to be a loyal servant of Ho-oh. However, after that, I had some issues with the stability of the Time Machine, but now I perfected it.” his grandpa explained.

    “How could I ever defeat legendary Pokemon though?” Drake asked, as he started to like the idea a bit more.

    “To lower any suspicions, you will be transformed into a Pokemon. Which Pokemon however, is totally up to your DNA.”

    “So, I stop the Three Beings, defeat the Guardians and then defeat Ho-oh and Lugia..?”

    “Indeed…”

    Another silence breezed through. This time, it was interrupted by Drake’s brave words.

    “Let’s do this.” as Drake grabbed silver goggles that were on the desk.

    End of Chapter 3
    Last edited by TheSirPeras; 1st June 2013 at 1:21 AM.

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    Chapter 03

    Johto-nian
    I think simply putting it as Johtonian is fine. You don’t write Toronto-nian or New York-er after all.

    “Oh… Uhm… GREAT I FORGOT MY BAG! It doesn’t matter… I wrote it on my hand… but the rain almost erased it so…”
    This was awkwardly written. The random all capitalized sentence and the multiple ellipses really.

    In the last fifty years however, huge chances came upon it.
    Changes*

    “Meet me in front of the Dance Theater.”
    How long has his grandfather been waiting at the dance theater? Especially since it seems he wasn’t sure whether or not he would read the book.

    Wait, why can’t the grandfather just go back in time and bring his younger self up to date with things and transport him forward in time? I’m also confused as to how Drake just suddenly agrees to his proposition and as to how he’s not blown away by his grandfather being some super old guy from 200 years ago. It seems very weird. You do seem to be improving though so I can give you that much but yeah. The characters really didn’t react the way they should’ve reacted to such a situation.

    Fighting for real American turtles everywhere. Pro-Turtle since 6/30/13

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    Quote Originally Posted by Vern View Post
    Chapter 03I think simply putting it as Johtonian is fine. You don’t write Toronto-nian or New York-er after all.
    Yeah you have a point x)


    was awkwardly written. The random all capitalized sentence and the multiple ellipses really.
    It was supposed to be like that, kinda like an awkward moment. I guess it didnt really work though

    How long has his grandfather been waiting at the dance theater? Especially since it seems he wasn’t sure whether or not he would read the book.
    I knew someone would ask this lol, but it will all be revealed later in the story

    Wait, why can’t the grandfather just go back in time and bring his younger self up to date with things and transport him forward in time? I’m also confused as to how Drake just suddenly agrees to his proposition and as to how he’s not blown away by his grandfather being some super old guy from 200 years ago. It seems very weird. You do seem to be improving though so I can give you that much but yeah. The characters really didn’t react the way they should’ve reacted to such a situation.
    Because like he mentioned, he is an old man now. Do you watch the anime? If you do, you know Tracey has an old Scyther who gets really tired, that's what would happen to him.
    Eh if I was 16 and someone told me that I would have my doubts but I would be more excited to just travel in time xD But yeah it was kinda weird, I noticed it as I was writing it but I thought what I just said above would apply to most teens
    Thanks, once again appreciate your review

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by TheSirPeras View Post
    It was supposed to be like that, kinda like an awkward moment. I guess it didnt really work though
    I could tell it was supposed to be awkward for the character but the way you wrote it made it awkward to read at the same time.

    I knew someone would ask this lol, but it will all be revealed later in the story


    Because like he mentioned, he is an old man now. Do you watch the anime? If you do, you know Tracey has an old Scyther who gets really tired, that's what would happen to him.
    Eh if I was 16 and someone told me that I would have my doubts but I would be more excited to just travel in time xD But yeah it was kinda weird, I noticed it as I was writing it but I thought what I just said above would apply to most teens
    Thanks, once again appreciate your review
    Don't remember too far back into OI and I don't it was mentioned in BF. He would get tired even though he's in a younger body? I guess you mean mentally or something which I could see since he's old. Probably has been taking naps at the theater.

    Fighting for real American turtles everywhere. Pro-Turtle since 6/30/13

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    That banner is awesome, first of all.

    Okay, the plot gets more complicated with portal guardians and time traveling- and becomes better by the second. I can understand that his grandfather was just sitting there when Drake suddenly finds him, but if he wanted Drake to meet him, that doesn't really work. The whole scene at the library seemed really awkward- if there wasn't the book there, they would have just said no outright and apologized. And how are we supposed to believe that Drake knew nothing of the book if there are legends about it?

    Anyways, the chapter was actually very good, like usual, with a mistakes very sparsely found. I love the Mystery Dungeon-ish spin, an I'm glad to see it portrayed in an original way, not just like this:

    Prologue:

    A weird guy wakez up in a world with a POKEMON SPEAKING TO HIM YAYZ! He becomes random starter and saves the world... FROM A CRAZY LEGENDARY OR METEORITE OR OTHER UNORIGINAL IDEA WOHOOOOOOO!!!

    Anyways, with only the help of the Pokčmon that found him, he DEFEATS LEGENDS LIKE A CLICHÉD BOSS!

    I'm having funny times az a writer- who wants to review and tell me how amazing my fic is you think of my fic!

    Yayayayayayay! I haz made an unoriginal idea!
    Oh, and I'm assuming from your banner that Drake turns into Lucario. Not a very good choice, considering his name- 'drake' originated from 'dragon', if I remember correctly.

    Keep Writing!

    -Shymain
    Last edited by Shymain; 1st June 2013 at 4:48 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Vern View Post
    I could tell it was supposed to be awkward for the character but the way you wrote it made it awkward to read at the same time.
    Ooh yeah I see, I'll improve on the readingness of the weirder moments

    Don't remember too far back into OI and I don't it was mentioned in BF. He would get tired even though he's in a younger body? I guess you mean mentally or something which I could see since he's old. Probably has been taking naps at the theater.
    Yeah it was during the Orange Archipelago part but yeah it's what you said

    Quote Originally Posted by Shymain View Post
    That banner is awesome, first of all.
    Thank you xD

    Okay, the plot gets more complicated with portal guardians and time traveling- and becomes better by the second. I can understand that his grandfather was just sitting there when Drake suddenly finds him, but if he wanted Drake to meet him, that doesn't really work. The whole scene at the library seemed really awkward- if there wasn't the book there, they would have just said no outright and apologized. And how are we supposed to believe that Drake knew nothing of the book if there are legends about it?
    First, his grandpa is pretty weird. I'll leave it that
    Second, yeah it was weird wasn't it... hmm...
    What do you mean? Drake didn't know the book because Drake doesn't pay attention in class... or maybe because there only exists one of those books and maybe grandpa is a filthy liar?

    Anyways, the chapter was actually very good, like usual, with a mistakes very sparsely found. I love the Mystery Dungeon-ish spin, an I'm glad to see it portrayed in an original way, not just like this:
    Thank you very much, hope you enjoy the next chapter (it won't be as good or interesting, it will be more for Drake to get used to the idea and all)



    Oh, and I'm assuming from your banner that Drake turns into Lucario. Not a very good choice, considering his name- 'drake' originated from 'dragon', if I remember correctly.

    Keep Writing!

    -Shymain
    ... I only chose Drake because I love the name ;_; I never even took that in consideration lol
    Thank you Shymain

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    Quote Originally Posted by TheSirPeras View Post

    Thank you xD

    First, his grandpa is pretty weird. I'll leave it that
    Second, yeah it was weird wasn't it... hmm...
    What do you mean? Drake didn't know the book because Drake doesn't pay attention in class... or maybe because there only exists one of those books and maybe grandpa is a filthy liar?
    No, I mean that if rumors are going around about the book, Drake would probably have known at least the tiniest bit about it when he got the book, or at least had have heard about it. I guess it might be that he doesn't pay attention...


    Quote Originally Posted by TheSirPeras View Post
    Thank you very much, hope you enjoy the next chapter (it won't be as good or interesting, it will be more for Drake to get used to the idea and all)

    ... I only chose Drake because I love the name ;_; I never even took that in consideration lol
    Thank you Shymain
    Meh, filler chapters are great if you have plenty of smooth description.

    Yeah, you don't need to have him Dragon-Type, but it would just match his name... Why do you think Drake of the Hoenn E4 is a Dragon Trainer?

    You're welcome!

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