Results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: Before the Bond PG-15 (One-shot)

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Arizona
    Posts
    3,116

    Default Before the Bond PG-15 (One-shot)

    Shadow Lucario is back with my second one-shot ever. Crazy right? This one-shot serves as a prequel to my story Hero's Bond (link in signature). It's the first part to a three part story that expands on different aspects of certain characters. You do not need to read my fan fiction first to understand this. You can read this and never read Hero's Bond and be fine. I recommend that you do take a look after though. Anyway, here we go!



    A slight quake reverberated in the ground, making the boy’s knees quiver. He stared up at the large rock snake before him. Slamming its large tail into the ground, the creature let out a tremendous roar. With a smirk, the boy drew a red and white orb, enlarging it by pressing the button in the middle. The ball cracked open when the boy tossed it into the air, a white light pouring out. The light hit the ground and formed a small green dinosaur, a large leaf on top of its head.

    “Chikorita won’t let me down!” the boy said, confidence in his voice.

    “Even with a disadvantage, there is no way my Onix is going to lose,” his opponent, a woman in her late twenties, told him. “Crush that thing! Slam!”

    With another swing of his tail, Onix brought it down towards the Chikorita, barely missing. Chikorita dashed to the side, the leaf on her head spinning. Razor sharp leaves shot out, hitting Onix all over his body. The giant snake let out a cry of pain, nearly falling over. Onix dragged his tail across the ground causing a wave of sand and rocks to overcome Chikorita, completely blinding her. Following up, Onix brought his tail down through the sand, crushing Chikorita.

    “That’s it!” the woman shouted. “Finish it Onix! Use Hyper Beam!”

    “This isn’t good,” the boy whispered to himself. “Chikorita, wait for the right moment to use Light Screen!”

    Chikorita struggled under Onix’s tail, unable to get free. She nodded at her trainer, trusting that he knew what he was doing. An orb of orange energy began to charge in Onix’s mouth, slowly building up. Once the energy had reached the necessary amount, a large beam fired out, rocketing towards Chikorita.

    “Now!” shouted the boy.

    A large, translucent barrier appeared in front of Chikorita. Closing her eyes, she forced all of her energy into the defensive move. To the boy’s dismay, the beam shattered the barrier, hitting Chikorita head on. Falling to his knees, the boy knew it was over. Pulling out her Poké Ball, he recalled Chikorita, smiling at the ball before placing it back on his belt.

    “You can’t always rely on type advantages,” the woman told him as she recalled Onix. “You’ll become a better trainer someday. What’s your name?”

    “Alexander,” he said. “Alexander Jenson.”

    “Nice to meet you, Alexander. I’m Lillian Sector.”

    Before the Bond

    “Chikorita, we need to work on some fundamentals if we’re going to win today’s gym battle. Falkner uses Flying types so you’ll be at a disadvantage, but I know we can do it!”

    Inside his Pokémon Center room, Alexander rolled Chikorita’s Poké Ball over in his hand, giving her a pep talk. Lying back on his pillow, the boy looked up at the ceiling, letting out a long sigh. Closing his eyes, he tried to imagine how the battle would play out. All he could see was Chikorita on the ground in pain.

    “Need to snap out of it, Alexander,” the boy said, jumping off the bed.

    Grabbing his black jacket, excitement began to course through Alexander’s veins as he walked out of his room. His pace quickened when he reached the lobby, hopping down the steps two at a time. By the time he reached the counter, Alexander had begun to run, dashing out the front doors and into the small, bustling city. Shoes clicked as crowds of people passed him on the cobblestone streets. A small chatter could be heard; most of the people conversing with one another or simply exchanging a small apology as they slightly bumped shoulders.

    “Now to the gym,” Alexander said to himself, pushing through the small crowds.

    About three blocks from the Pokémon Center sat a tall building, the top not able to be seen from the ground. With a deep breath, Alexander pushed the doors open, taking a large step inside. A woman sat in a chair not too far from the entrance, a newspaper in her hands. Walking across the blue carpet, Alexander approached the desk. A large man had been sitting behind it, pulling his long black hair into a ponytail.

    “Yes?” the man asked, his voice surprisingly soft.

    “Uh, I-I’m here to battle Falkner,” Alexander stammered, looking down at the floor.

    “This way.” The man motioned towards the elevator door in the back corner, a smirk on his face. “Have fun.”

    With a large gulp, the boy started his walk across the room, but as he was about to pass the woman, she stood, grabbing his arm. She placed her face next to his, making sure only he could hear what she had to say. “Your Chikorita won’t be able to win by itself. Here’s a gift from me to you.”

    She pulled out a Poké Ball from her jean pocket, placing it in Alexander’s hand. The boy looked at the ball shocked that someone would bestow such a gift upon him.

    “Thanks,” he said. When he looked at the woman he realized who she really was. Her flowing blonde hair, her green eyes, and that soft look in her expression. “You’re…”

    The woman put a finger to his lips, silencing him. With nothing more, she walked out of the gym, with a quick wave. Still surprised at her generosity, Alexander walked over to the elevator staring at his new Poké Ball, unsure of what Pokémon rested inside. After pushing the up button, the doors quickly slid open, revealing another large man, this one not having any hair on top of his head.

    “Falkner is ready for you,” the man said, his voice much deeper than his colleague’s.

    “Here we go,” whispered Alexander, stepping onto the elevator.

    Once the doors shut, the two inside stood awkwardly, looking everywhere but at each other. Scratching the back of his head, Alexander tried to figure out a way to break the tension, but he couldn’t find any words to say.

    “First gym battle?” the man asked awkwardly.

    “Y-yeah,” the boy replied, his voice shaking. “Got a wife?”

    “Yup.”

    “…kids?”

    “Just one. Another on the way.”

    Alexander tried to whistle, but failed to produce one. It sounded as if he were just blowing out air. The elevator finally stopped, much to both the large man and Alexander’s relief. The boy darted out as soon as the doors opened to find himself on a large battlefield. A young man stood on the opposite side of the field, his dark blue hair flowing in the slight breeze that came from the open space around the arena.

    “Welcome challenger,” said Falkner, drawing a Poké Ball from his kimono. “Are you ready for battle?”

    “Yes sir!” Alexander exclaimed, bowing slightly.

    “This match will be a two on two battle,” the man from the elevator bellowed, running to the side of the field, two flags in hand. “Only the challenger may substitute at any time. This battle will be over when both Pokémon on one side are unable to battle.”

    “Pidgey, start us off right!” Falkner yelled, launching his Poké Ball.

    Alexander felt another wave of excitement come over him. The nervousness he felt before completely vanished. Drawing his Poké Ball quickly, he launched his Chikorita onto the field, a confident look on both trainer and Pokémon’s face. From Falkner’s Poké Ball came a small cream colored bird. It flew around the field a few times before landing in front of Falkner, waiting for a command.

    “A Chikorita,” Falkner observed. “Very interesting choice…”

    “Begin!” the man from the elevator yelled, holding up both flags.

    “Chikorita, start with a Razor Leaf!” Alexander shouted.

    With a nod, Chikorita started to twirl the giant leaf on her head. Smaller, but sharper, leaves shot out, flying towards Pidgey. With a scoff, Falkner motioned upwards, not uttering a single word. The small bird took off, easily dodging the attack. Circling around, Pidgey dived towards Chikorita, his wings close to his body. With a quick side step, the attack narrowly missed Chikorita.

    “Gust,” Falkner ordered.

    Furiously flapping his wings, Pidgey created a small tornado. The tornado began to pull Chikorita in, causing her to slide across the floor. Not able to react, the Grass type was pulled into the middle, bouncing around the walls of the cyclone. Each hit dealt a significant amount of damage, leaving Chikorita lying motionless on the ground once the tornado vanished.

    “You should know that Grass types are weak to Flying types,” Falkner told Alexander, slightly disappointed.

    Much to the gym leader’s surprise, Chikorita stood, a smirk on her face. Throwing a smirk as well, Alexander chuckled, remembering his battle against Lillian’s Onix.

    “Type advantages aren’t everything,” Alexander told him. “Chikorita, Vine Whip!”

    Two small vines shot out of Chikorita’s neck, wrapping around the flying Pidgey. With his movements restricted, Pidgey struggled to free himself. Slamming the bird into the ground, Chikorita laughed at her opponent, feeling the resistance that Pidgey was giving.

    “Now, continuous Razor Leaf!” shouted Alexander.

    Over and over, Pidgey was struck by the razor sharp leaves. Not able to dodge, block, or knock away the attack. Not too long after the assault begun, Pidgey’s body went limp. Letting the bird go, Chikorita raised a vine in victory, a big smile on her face.

    “You surprised me trainer,” said Falkner, recalling his Pidgey, “but this is where you lose. Pidgeotto, end them!”

    This time, a much larger bird emerged from Falkner’s Poké Ball. It possessed the same basic features of Pidgey, but had a large red head-crest that came down to the middle of its back. With a quick shake, a small amount of red and yellow feathers fell from its tail.

    “Wing Attack,” Falkner calmly ordered.

    Before Alexander could react, Pidgeotto flew by Chikorita, striking her with a glowing wing. The Grass type fell to her side, struggling to stand back up. Pidgeotto came back around, his other wing now connecting with Chikorita. Skidding against the ground, Chikorita attempted to stand once more. Her body had become too heavy to lift, the pain had become too much.

    “Chikorita, please stand up!” pleaded Alexander.

    The Grass type stopped moving, her head rolling to the side. The man on the side held up a flag. “Chikorita is unable to battle! Pidgeotto wins!”

    Alexander gritted his teeth as he recalled Chikorita, his hand shaking. Reaching for his belt, the boy remembered the Poké Ball the woman in the lobby had given him. She had told him it would help him win. Gripping it tightly, Alexander enlarged the ball before tossing it into the air. Once the light hit the ground Alexander closed his eyes, not wanting to see what creature it released.

    “Now this will be a challenge,” Alexander heard Falkner say.

    Opening his eyes, Alexander saw a small green reptile standing in front of him. Scratching the large horn-like appendage on top of his head, the creature looked back at Alexander, a menacing look in his eye.

    “A Larvitar,” Alexander said, slightly surprised. “I mean, yes! My Larvitar! Attack Pidgeotto with your, um.”

    “Pidgeotto, Wing Attack again,” ordered Falkner.

    Pidgeotto took off, quickly flying by Larvitar, smacking him with one of his wings. Larvitar’s eyes followed Pidgeotto, a slightly annoyed look on the Rock type’s face. As Pidgeotto began to turn, Larvitar’s body suddenly turned white. The energy slowly started to form a ball just above his horn. The ball fired from Larvitar’s horn, rocketing towards the Flying type. Unable to dodge, the ball hit Pidgeotto in the back, knocking him out of the air.

    “Wow! Great job, Larvitar!” Alexander exclaimed.

    “Pidgeotto, try a Gust,” Falkner called.

    Shaking off the pain, Pidgeotto took to the air again, this time furiously flapping his wings. Just like Pidgey before him, Pidgeotto formed a small tornado that began to make its way towards Larvitar. The Rock type didn’t budge, his body glowing white once more. Aiming for the tornado, the energy spun around and around until Larvitar jumped into the air, kicking it off. The ball rocketed towards Pidgeotto, crashing into the bird with bone crushing force. The Flying type fell to the ground, barely moving.

    “Pidgeotto is unable to battle,” the man on the sidelines declared after seeing Pidgeotto stop moving. “Larvitar is the winner. That means Alexander takes the match!”

    “Yes!” cheered Alexander, jumping out of happiness. “Thank you so much, Larvitar!”

    Alexander ran onto the field, scooping up Larvitar and rubbing his face against his. At first Larvitar was taken aback, struggling to get free from his grip, but he soon realized that the boy meant him no harm and simply smiled back. Falkner scoffed as he recalled Pidgeotto, slowly walking over Alexander.

    “You might want to rethink how you battle,” Falkner told him. “You didn’t make any calls during that last battle. To be a trainer you have to work side by side with your Pokémon.”

    Holding out his hand, Falkner held a small badge. The texture and color gave it the appearance of a feather. Taking it from the gym leader, Alexander simply nodded. With a wave, the trainer walked back to the elevator, Larvitar on his shoulder.

    “Don’t worry, Falkner,” Alexander said as he stepped on the elevator. “I’ll learn everything I can about my Pokémon. Then I’ll be the best.”

    ----------------------------------------------------

    “Chikorita, Razor Leaf! Larvitar, Stone Edge!”

    The bottles didn’t stand a chance against either attack that was aimed for them. Three leaves sliced a bottle into three even portions while four stones shattered four different ones. With a confident nod, Alexander patted both of his Pokémon on the head.

    “We’re ready for Whitney,” he told them. “There’s no way we’ll lose this time.”

    Just outside Goldenrod City, Alexander decided that it was best to go through some last minute training drills with his Pokémon. Taking some empty bottles that he had collected from the trash, they had traveled to a large cliff overlooking the city. It had a wide open area that was excellent for a mock battle. Some of the large rocks had large cracks or holes in them, signs of how hard they had been training.

    “Now let’s take a br-” Alexander started, but a small cry caught his attention.

    He turned to Chikorita and Larvitar, asking if they heard it. When both nodded, Alexander began to walk into the small forest located behind them, his Pokémon close behind. The farther he went in, the louder it got. It seemed to become more of a wail as he got, what he assumed to be, closer.

    “Hello?” Alexander called out.

    The wails stopped and all that could be heard was a light sobbing. Turning to his left, Alexander saw a girl on her knees, her face in her hands. She had cuts and scrapes all over her body, her clothes slightly torn.

    “Are you okay?” Alexander jogged over to the girl, kneeling by her side.

    The girl simply sobbed, slowly taking her hands away from her face. Even her face had many cuts on it, running along her cheek and forehead. The dirt from her hands left small smudges her eyes, tears breaking the black color. Her eyes were left wide open, her pupils dilated.

    “What’s your name?” asked Alexander.

    The girl stayed silent, beginning to shake slightly. Reaching for her, Alexander tried to put a hand on her shoulder, but before he could touch her, the girl screamed, knocking his hand away. Struggling to distance herself from Alexander, she tried to stand, but fell over the instant her body left the ground. Her brown hair fell in front of her face, her sobbing becoming louder. Larvitar walked to the girl’s side, holding out his hand. The girl trembled, shutting her eyes.

    “I want to help you,” Alexander told her. “I need to know your name first. I’m Alexander.”

    Silence hung over them, neither person nor Pokémon uttering a single noise. The girl lifted her head, tears streaming down her face. A few leaves fell out of the trees, landing around the girl.

    “My name…”she started. “…is Crystal.”

    “Crystal, let me help you,” said Alexander, holding out his hand.

    Once again, Crystal screamed, crawling to get away from Alexander. Looking to his Pokémon for an answer, Alexander was left confused, staring at his hand, wondering if something was on it.

    “You wear black,” she told him. “Just like them.”

    Alexander looked over his clothes and noticed that he did indeed wear all black, something that somehow eluded his attention for quite some time. Sitting up once more, Crystal took in a deep breath. Alexander sat next to her, his hands staying close to his side. Larvitar and Chikorita joined them, sitting by their trainer.

    “Who is ‘them’?” he asked, not sure if his wardrobe was good or bad.

    “They’re enemies of mine. They cloak themselves in black and hide in the shadows. They have but one goal and it’s the destruction of everything I love and hold dear. If they succeed then chaos will be spread throughout the world. I must warn the others. I have-”

    Before Crystal could finish, there was a loud bang. Blood spurted from the side of Crystal’s head, splattering onto Alexander. Looking down at the girl, Alexander could see blood spilling out onto the forest floor, Crystal slightly twitching. The boy’s eyes widened, his hands shaking as he realized her blood was on him. He screamed in shock, not sure how to process what had happened.

    “Thanks for that boy,” a deep voice said, a large man stepping out from the shadows. “We had been trying to find that girl for nearly six hours now. You managed to stop her and let us catch up.”

    Jumping to his feet, Alexander began to back away. Looking at the man’s side, Alexander noticed that he had a large pistol in hand, the barrel smoking. Larvitar and Chikorita jumped in front of their trainer, growling at the man.

    “There’s no need to be like that,” the man told the Pokémon in a voice on would use with a baby.

    “W-why did you just kill her?!” Alexander shouted, tears starting to well up in his eyes.

    “You need not cry boy.” The man holstered his pistol, taking out a cigarette and lighting it. “You only knew her for five minutes.”

    “Help…I need to get help.”

    As Alexander turned to run, a bullet grazed his cheek, blood slowly seeping from it. His legs froze up, unable to move. Turning his head, Alexander saw another man next to the first. This newcomer had a large rifle in hand, a scope mounted on the top.

    “If you try to run and get help, Felix here will put you down faster than you can say Hippopotas.” The large man took a long drag of his cigarette as Felix laughed at his joke, his eye never leaving the scope.

    “You’re who she was talking about,” Alexander muttered, taking note of their black clothes.

    I have to get out of here and get to the police, Alexander thought. But if I try to run then they’ll shoot me!

    “What will happen if I stay here?” Alexander asked, almost afraid of what they’ll say.

    “Well,” the man started, taking another long drag. “We can take this one of two ways; you can join us and live a very happy and fulfilling life working towards our cause. Or, we could lock you up and make you wish we had killed you.”

    So many different things ran through Alexander’s mind at once. He tried to think of the best way out, but everything he thought of ended with him and his Pokémon in an early grave. Pulling out two Poké Balls, Alexander gripped them tightly sweat running down his temple. The boy took a deep breath, a smile on his face.

    “Larvitar, Chikorita,” he said, looking back at his Pokémon. They quickly caught on, knowing exactly what he had been thinking. The boy dropped the Poké Balls, the smile disappearing. “Hippopotas!”

    Alexander took off, sprinting down the forest path. Larvitar let out a loud cry, a large sandstorm covering the area. Chikorita grabbed Larvitar with her vines, sprinting after Alexander. After another drag, the man chuckled, mildly amused by his escape attempt. Another loud bang sounded. Holding his breath, Alexander anticipated a sharp pain in his back. Much to his surprise it didn’t come. Once again, there was a loud bang, this one much closer than the last. A sharp pain shot through Alexander’s leg as he collapsed. Looking down he could see blood starting to stain his pants. Desperately crawling, Alexander tried to get cover in the trees and the brush, but he knew the men were close by. Chikorita finally caught up with him, putting Larvitar in the bush next to him.

    “It’s over, Chikorita,” Alexander told her, tears streaming down his face. “I can’t run any more. You guys get out of here now.”

    Chikorita shook her head, tears starting to come to her eyes. She knew he was in pain. Larvitar looked from Alexander to Chikorita, a confused look on his face. Grabbing Alexander’s jacket, the Rock type tried to pull him farther into the forest, but his trainer weighed too much for him. Plopping down on the ground, Larvitar began to cry as well.

    “Now boy, just come out here so we can end this little chase,” the man with the cigarette said.

    “Dimitrios, look,” Felix said, pointing a few yards ahead of them.

    Standing in the middle of the path was Chikorita. Growling at the men, she lowered her head, vines slightly waving back and forth. Both of the men laughed, taking a few steps forward. Whipping the ground in front of them, Chikorita stepped forward. The men stopped in their tracks, smiles on their faces.

    “Chikorita, don’t!” Alexander shouted.

    Slumped against a tree, Alexander tried to get to his Pokémon’s side, but Larvitar stood in front of him. Chikorita looked back at her trainer and smiled, reminding Alexander of the day he got her. He knew what the smile meant, but he wished that he didn’t. Larvitar began to push Alexander away, tears still running down his face. Limping farther into the forest, Alexander didn’t look back. He knew if he did then he would run to Chikorita’s side instantly.

    “There’s no end to it!” Alexander shouted after ten minutes of running through the forest. It seemed as if they had traveled for miles, with no sign of an exit or any other trainers. A sharp pain shot through Alexander’s arm, an unknown force pushing him to the ground. “Dammit! Dammit!”

    Pounding the ground, Alexander began to cry. Larvitar tried to pull him up, but a woozy feeling came over Alexander. Turning on his back, the boy began to breathe heavily.

    “We tried Larvitar. You go on ahead. I don’t want both of my Pokémon to make sacrifices for me.”

    The Rock type sat right next to his trainer, not moving an inch. Looking up at him, a sad feeling came over Alexander. All of their dreams, all of their experiences, all of their bonds, gone. Alexander could hear footsteps approaching him, but didn’t have enough energy to lift his head to see who it was. He could feel himself slipping in and out of consciousness, his blood slowly staining the grass.

    “Looks like this is the end,” said Alexander finally passing out.

    ----------------------------------------------------

    Chikorita…Larvitar…I’m sorry I failed you. Grandmother…Kaylie…I’m sorry I couldn’t be stronger…

    “Sir! Sir! He’s beginning to come to! He’s muttering something.”

    “His heart rate is beginning to rise. All vitals seem to be returning to normal.”

    Did those men take me after all?

    Light began to slowly filter back into Alexander’s eyes. The first thing he noticed was that he had been in a bed with many wires attached to him. A tube had been placed in his nose, giving him oxygen. Startled, he jumped, trying to grab at the wires placed in his arms. Two men in white robes ran into the room, restraining him.

    “WHERE AM I?!” Alexander shouted at the top of his lungs, struggling with the men.

    “You’re safe now,” a voice said, coming from the door.

    For some reason, the voice calmed Alexander. Not only did the words assure him he was safe, but the man’s voice made him FEEL safe. Looking over, Alexander saw a man with long white hair. His irises were a piercing white, one that made it seem like he was staring into your soul. As he walked towards the bed, he opened his arms, a smile on his face. His robes were also white, a hood attached on the back. Alexander swallowed loudly, finally calming down.

    “Who are you?” Alexander asked, his voice shaking slightly.

    “I’m the man who saved your life,” he told the boy. “I am Aeolus. And welcome to Team Lustrous.”
    Last edited by Shadow Lucario; 29th January 2014 at 1:22 AM.
    Credit goes to MagicMochi. Check out their shop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sidewinder
    While it is very reminiscent of a lot of journey trainer fics, it held my attention. It stands out among a lot of the other fics I've read lately and I'm excited to continue the story.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Location
    Hyrule, Kakariko Village
    Posts
    999

    Default

    I love this! (I think I might have to copy the idea for my fic XD!) It displays a lot of backstory and how he got to Aeolus in the first place (and Team Lusturous). Also, you can almost feel the attachment between him and his Pokemon. They have a bond that they know what the other is thinking (sorta) and have so much trust in him that she gave up her life for him.

    Standing in the middle of the path was Chikorita. Growling at the men, she lowered her head, vines slighting waving back and forth. Both of the men laughed, taking a few steps forward. Whipping the ground in front of them, Chikorita stepped forward. The men stopped in their tracks, smiles on their faces.

    “Chikorita don’t!” Alexander shouted.

    Slumped against a tree, Alexander tried to get to his Pokémon’s side, but Larvitar stood in front of him. Chikorita looked back at her trainer and smiled, reminding Alexander of the day he got her. He knew what the smile meant, but he wished that he didn’t. Larvitar began to push Alexander away, tears still running down his face. Limping farther into the forest, Alexander didn’t look back. He knew if he did then he would run to Chikorita’s side instantly.

    “There’s no end to it!” Alexander shouted after ten minutes of running through the forest. It seemed as if they had traveled for miles, with no sign of an exit or any other trainers. A sharp pain shot through Alexander’s arm, an unknown force pushing him to the ground. “Dammit! Dammit!”

    Pounding the ground, Alexander began to cry. Larvitar tried to pull him up, but a woozy feeling came over Alexander. Turning on his back, the boy began to breathe heavily.

    “We tried Larvitar. You go on ahead. I don’t want both of my Pokémon to make sacrifices for me.”

    The Rock type sat right next to his trainer, not moving an inch. Looking up at him, a sad feeling came over Alexander. All of their dreams, all of their experiences, all of their bonds, gone. Alexander could hear footsteps approaching him, but didn’t have enough energy to lift his head to see who it was. He could feel himself slipping in and out of consciousness, his blood slowly staining the grass.

    “Looks like this is the end,” said Alexander finally passing out.
    (Sorry for clutter!) This is the best part. It shows the connection, or, should I use bond, between him and Chikorita. (I don't see how Chikorita really held the men back... but. anyway.) I also hate to see Alexander rescued by a Lustrous member. He was so innocent!

    Do you mean "slightly waving" rather than "slighting waving"?

    Also, sorry I didn't RnR this earlier. First post though: Yay!


    Claimed Majora's Mask/Skull Kid | 3DSFC - 4811.7177.1372.Liam | Art by me, TIL Userbar by Astral Shadow

    Formerly: Chapter of Charizard

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Brasil
    Posts
    78

    Default

    I saw this just today but yeah, nice back story. Never would have imagined that Alexander had a Chikorita. Something about thinking about a giant flower/Barny following him just makes me laugh.

    Charzard captured the best moment IMO.

    Well waiting for my next PM, see ya.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    Away and Anywhere
    Posts
    119

    Default

    Finally get a chance to give some input. This is really great back-story for Alexander. It sheds a lot of light on his experience before he broke bad. The only error I caught was here...

    [“Well,” the man started, taking another long drag. “We can take this one of two ways; you can join us and live a very happy and fulfilling life working towards our cause. Or, we could lock you up and wish we had killed you.]

    This makes it sound as if his captors would wish they had killed him. It would be better to say "Or, we could lock you up and then you'll be begging us to kill you..." or something along those lines.

    Overall, great stuff. You should write more stories like this, especially for you Teams. It would really help to flesh out their motives.
    My Author Profile[/Center]

    Pokemon Y Friend Safari: Type is Ghost, Pokemon are Shuppet, Pumpkaboo and Spiritomb.
    3DS FC: 3566-1718-0207

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Behind you...
    Posts
    1,292

    Default

    ...OR: “Well,” the man started, taking another long drag. “We can take this one of two ways; you can join us and live a very happy and fulfilling life working towards our cause. Or, we could lock you up and you'll [eventually] wish we had killed you..."

    Hey, FINALLY hitting a review to this piece! Been ages since I've done ANY reviewing tbh... one slight mishap, though.

    Actually, two...

    “It’s over Chikorita,”
    What's over Chikorita?

    “Chikorita don’t!” Alexander shouted.
    Chikorita don't what, specifically?

    As the sentences are now, you can see they're greatly incomplete. With a vocative comma after the word 'over' in the first example and 'Chikorita' in the second one, the conventional/old-fashioned reader will take a brief pause and see that Alexander is talking to Chikorita and not about her.

    That aside, this was very engaging, and as it's meant to be a three-shot thing (from the introduction) I can only imagine what's coming next.

    L@er!
    The Corei Quest's latest chapter: Chapter Forty Seven: Tricks of the Trade (24 April 2014)
    PROJECT C-SQUARE STATUS = 100.00% Complete (11-12-2010, ca. 2:40pm GMT)
    HEART OF SEVEN STONES IS ON INDEFINITE HIATUS (REAPED) UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE
    Butt-ugly Banner by Me
    (Still waiting on the excellent Saffire Persian for another awesome TCQ banner!)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •