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Thread: The Prophecy of Silverr

  1. #1
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    Default The Prophecy of Silverr

    The Adventures of Silverr
    Authors Note: This story takes place before Hoenn, Sinnoh, and Unova.

    Chapter 1: The Prophecy

    *Beep Beep* as I roll over groggily to turn of the alarm, I realize that today is February 29. Today is my birthday. I should first introduce myself. I’m Silverr. It’s pronounced just like Silver. I live in the Johto region in the small town of Barsins. It is right under the foot of Mt. Kumauni. Apparently, whoever is born in my town, on a certain date is going to be the new guardian of the Johto region. This happens every 100 years. Before I leave, I have to talk to the village Psychic. Her name is Violet. As I approach the Psychic, I realize that she must have to tell me something very important, in addition to giving me my first Pokémon. As I walk in to her log cabin, which is ornately decorated with antiques and artifacts from around the world, I feel like there is a strange presence watching me. I turn around, but there is no one or nothing there. Finally, I enter the Psychic’s home. After a long visit, right before she dies, she tells me that I am the one, the one who will light a new path. She gives me my Pokémon, an Eevee and with that she peacefully passes on to the other world.

    Wow! “An Eevee, I would have never picked that Pokémon for myself!” “The Psychic knows best!” I say as I scratch my head. “Pipi?” cries Eevee. “Oh don’t worry we will have a great time on our journey!” I suddenly realize that Eevee has five evolutions. “Hey Eevee,” I say “What do you want to evolve into?” I ask Eevee. “Pipi!” responds Eevee. “Yeah I guess you wouldn’t know yet! Hahaha!” I respond feeling happy I now have a new friend. As night falls, I realize we must find a place to set up camp for the night. We find a spacious clearing in the deep dark forest. Just as we are about to fall asleep, a wild Spinarak appears. “Are you ready to fight Eevee?” I ask feeling nervous since this was my first Pokémon battle. “PiPi!” Eevee yells back taking her battle stance. I quickly pull out my Pokedex to look up what moves Eevee knows. My Pokedex tells me Eevee knows Shadow Claw, Dig, Pound, and Agility. Wow! This Eevee was breed by the Psychic! “Eevee use Shadow Claw!” I command. Eevee swiftly lands the attack with ease. “Great job!” I excitedly yell to Eevee. The wild Spinarak than used poison sting with amazing speed! Thankfully Eevee dodges the attack. “Here goes nothing! Go Pokeball! As the Pokeball shakes back and forth a few times, I get nervous that the Spinarak might break free. *Bing!* “Yes I caught a Spinarak!” I yell excitedly. “Pipi!” Eevee yelps excitedly. I then call out Spinarak, so I can introduce him to Eevee and myself. “Spin Spin!” exclaims Spinarak. “PiPi!” yelps Eevee. “Well you two seem to get along great!” I happily say. “It’s getting late. We should probably get to bed. Spinarak return!” I say feeling very tired. As Eevee snuggles in with me, I suddenly jolt up feeling that someone is watching me. No one is there, again. “Good night Eevee” I say in mid yawn. “PiPi” says Eevee even though she is pretty much asleep. And with that we fall asleep.

    I really liked how this story turned out. Please feel free to PM reviews and comments. This was my first fanfic. Please feel free to make suggestions that will further develop my writing and make this story more interesting. I will take one suggestion from the comments and incorporate it into the next chapter. ( The suggestion can be something like what his Eevee should evolve into or what Pokemon he should catch next)
    Last edited by The Exalt; 3rd March 2013 at 11:41 PM.
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  2. #2
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    it's a nice story! but you should look at punctuation! instead of "Yes i caught a spinarak!" you can better say "Yes! I caught a spinarak!"

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    Quote Originally Posted by encerchris View Post
    it's a nice story! but you should look at punctuation! instead of "Yes i caught a spinarak!" you can better say "Yes! I caught a spinarak!"
    Thanks for the feedback! I will definitely look out for that next time should I write chapter 2?
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    you realy should! i'm writing a story too, and i notice how many people use eevee in their fan-fics! But your story sounds like it will become very interesting!

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    Hey!

    I have to say, this looks like a decent story. Normally an Eevee would be an odd starter to choose from, but the Chosen One plot and the fact that a psychic, as opposed to a professor, gave it to her makes it make sense. The idea of a guardian of Johto sounds very interesting as well, particularily as it appears to be linked to being born on a leap year. Spinarak is also a good choice for her first caught Pokemon as its not what most people would think of.

    However, your story is very short, and I think you could add more description and dialogue to change this. I'm not even sure if it meets the forum's minimum length. I'd recommend perhaps telling us a little more of what it means to be a guardian of Johto in the first place. Also, instead of describing the visit to Violet in a few sentences, I think it would be good to show Silverr visiting her and having a conversation, maybe about her upcoming journey and why she has been chosen, or indeed why she wants to talk to her, and then ending with her death actually shown for a bit longer, as this is a very important scene and I don't think you really did as much with it as you could. Finally, another opportunity for expansion lies in when she meets Eevee and goes into the forest, again you could perhaps show a conversation. I think describing the appearances of the locations, and characters can help you as well. Another thing you could describe is how actions and feelings happen or are felt; a jump could be graceful or clumsy, and nervousness could involve shivering or stuttering for example. Also remember to make sure that both your human and Pokemon characters have distinct personalities.

    A couple more tips: try to split your text into paragraphs a bit more. You should go into a new paragraph if what is happening is at a different time, a different place, with a different person or a different action, as well as when someone else starts talking. Also, I don't know what you really mean by it taking place before Hoenn, Sinnoh and Unova as they are locations. If you mean that this takes place in the past and they don't know much about it, it should be clearer, as it isn't clear whether it takes place before the events of the games or if the characters just don't know about it.

    Anyways, you have a very interesting idea here and I'd like to hear more of it. However, I would recommend working on describing your events in a lot more detail with more description and dialogue, and making your characters have a bit more personality. Good luck!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Chibi_Muffin View Post
    Hey!

    I have to say, this looks like a decent story. Normally an Eevee would be an odd starter to choose from, but the Chosen One plot and the fact that a psychic, as opposed to a professor, gave it to her makes it make sense. The idea of a guardian of Johto sounds very interesting as well, particularily as it appears to be linked to being born on a leap year. Spinarak is also a good choice for her first caught Pokemon as its not what most people would think of.

    However, your story is very short, and I think you could add more description and dialogue to change this. I'm not even sure if it meets the forum's minimum length. I'd recommend perhaps telling us a little more of what it means to be a guardian of Johto in the first place. Also, instead of describing the visit to Violet in a few sentences, I think it would be good to show Silverr visiting her and having a conversation, maybe about her upcoming journey and why she has been chosen, or indeed why she wants to talk to her, and then ending with her death actually shown for a bit longer, as this is a very important scene and I don't think you really did as much with it as you could. Finally, another opportunity for expansion lies in when she meets Eevee and goes into the forest, again you could perhaps show a conversation. I think describing the appearances of the locations, and characters can help you as well. Another thing you could describe is how actions and feelings happen or are felt; a jump could be graceful or clumsy, and nervousness could involve shivering or stuttering for example. Also remember to make sure that both your human and Pokemon characters have distinct personalities.

    A couple more tips: try to split your text into paragraphs a bit more. You should go into a new paragraph if what is happening is at a different time, a different place, with a different person or a different action, as well as when someone else starts talking. Also, I don't know what you really mean by it taking place before Hoenn, Sinnoh and Unova as they are locations. If you mean that this takes place in the past and they don't know much about it, it should be clearer, as it isn't clear whether it takes place before the events of the games or if the characters just don't know about it.

    Anyways, you have a very interesting idea here and I'd like to hear more of it. However, I would recommend working on describing your events in a lot more detail with more description and dialogue, and making your characters have a bit more personality. Good luck!
    When I was writing this story I was going to go into Silverr's visit with the Psychic thorough his dream. I want to go back into his dream because I want to show that he has a huge journey ahead of him and that the evil presence is making his visit with the psychic horrific instead of a time to remember. When I said before Hoenn, Sinnoh, and Unova I meant that it was before they were "discovered". Thank you for your review I will definitely take all of your helpful ideas to help me further developed my writing. Thanks again!
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    Oops... I called Silverr a girl in my review! Sorry! It's kind of hard to tell from the chapter you posted. XD

    Okay, so it's before Johto was in contact with the other regions then. That makes sense. It seems a bit odd for them to use Poke Balls though, they're more of a modern invention. This is easily solved though - it's possible that they are using Apricorns instead. Just remember that if it is taking place that far back in the past, they aren't going to have access to the kind of technology we see in the main games. Yes, they had that technology in Gold and Silver and the other regions weren't mentioned then, but that's because the creators hadn't invented those regions - if the Pokemon world was real they most likely would have at least heard of Hoenn, Sinnoh and Unova when Gold and Silver took place.

    If the visit is going to take place in Silverr's dream, I have a couple of recommendations to make in this regard. Either start the story just after he has met the psychic and gotten his Pokemon, or show the event in the first chapter but when it is shown again in the dream, make it look very different from the first occurrence. The reason why I am saying this is that it doesn't make much sense to me that we are technically 'shown' an important event in very little detail at the start, even though there is no reason why it wouldn't be described (as it is a crucial time for Silverr - he gets his Pokemon, finds out he is a guardian and someone dies, all in this meeting), only for it to be described later in a darker tone when we have little to compare it to - for example, any safety that might have been in the house. People might think 'hang in a second, if he said all of this stuff at this visit, why couldn't we see it before?'

    Sorry for all this, but the lack of description in this scene really seems so odd to me because of all that happens. While showing it later through a dream sounds interesting, at the same time, it's a little hard to understand why the original occurrence doesn't get the same amount of detail. I'm not saying to drop this plan, but rather, perhaps see if it could be implemented differently.
    Last edited by Chibi_Muffin; 3rd March 2013 at 7:07 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Chibi_Muffin View Post
    Oops... I called Silverr a girl in my review! Sorry! It's kind of hard to tell from the chapter you posted. XD

    Okay, so it's before Johto was in contact with the other regions then. That makes sense. It seems a bit odd for them to use Poke Balls though, they're more of a modern invention. This is easily solved though - it's possible that they are using Apricorns instead. Just remember that if it is taking place that far back in the past, they aren't going to have access to the kind of technology we see in the main games. Yes, they had that technology in Gold and Silver and the other regions weren't mentioned then, but that's because the creators hadn't invented those regions - if the Pokemon world was real they most likely would have at least heard of Hoenn, Sinnoh and Univa when Gold and Silver took place.

    If the visit is going to take place in Silverr's dream, I have a couple of recommendations to make in this regard. Either start the story just after he has met the psychic and gotten his Pokemon, or show the event in the first chapter but when it is shown again in the dream, make it look very different form the first occurrence. The reason why I am saying this is that it doesn't make much sense to me that we are technically 'shown' an important event in very little detail at the start, even though there is no reason why it wouldn't be described (as it is a crucial time for Silverr - he gets his Pokemon, finds out he is a guardian and someone dies, all in this meeting), only for it to be described later in a darker tone when we have little to compare it to - for example, any safety that might have been in the house. People might think 'hang in a second, if she said all of this stuff at this visit, why couldn't we see it before?'

    Sorry for all this, but the lack of description in this scene really seems so odd to me because of all that happens. While showing it later through a dream sounds interesting, at the same time, it's a little hard to understand why the original occurrence doesn't get the same amount of detail. I'm not saying to drop this plan, but rather, perhaps see if it could be implemented differently.
    Thanks! I will see what I can do!
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    Chapter 2 should be up sometime next week. I found a way to incorporate everything from the reviews! I think you guys will love it!!!
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    I know it takes place before the Hoenn, Sinnoh, and Unova, but will there cameos by mons from those gens? Like other trainers having them? Because if you choose to do so, I would love to see the Eevee become Sylveon. That would be pwnage.


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    Alright, this one's been floating around the forums since the weekend so I guess I'll give it my due diligence and offer up a review:

    The Good: Ummmm...well I like the general premise of the story. Johto having a "guardian" of sorts is a good springboard and everyone likes a nice epic "chosen one" story so you've got a solid start there. Also, I liked that our story began in an unconventional town. All too often, you see trainer fics where the trainer just bounces from major city to major city with little to no regard for the possibility of small little hamlets along the way...so good on you for that. Also, catching a Spinarak was a nice touch. Poor little guy seems to be underappreciated.

    The Bad: Total lack of description. This whole story felt very flat, uninspired, and underdeveloped. I have no idea what Barsins, the main character, Eevee or Spinarak look like. That's a problem because it makes a fic horribly bland. Also, you didn't really give the main character any sort of personality. I mean, holy cow, the Psychic died right in front of him! And he didn't even react. That's highly unbelievable. This was also far too short...although if you improve your description it will probably reach optimum length.

    Overall: I like the story's original idea as it seems to be a slight deviation from typical trainer fics. However, the lack of description and character development makes it a really tough read. Work on those two things and I'll continue to try to help you out.

    Best of luck!
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    Chapter 2: The Visit

    "Eevee come here!" I yell as I walk back from our camp site with a bunch of plump, ripe berries for our breakfast. "PiPi!" Eevee says as she tries to furiously pull the succulent berries out of my arms. "Hey Eevee," I say "before I left Barsins, the Psychic told me to tell you what happened when I was there. Will you listen?" "PiPi!" Eevee happily yips. " Okay great!" I say feeling as if a great burden has magically been lifted off of my chest. "so it all started about an hour before I got you." I say as I look back to remember the other day when I personally met the Psychic for the first and last time.

    *Flashback*

    "Ah Sliverr, thank you for coming." says the Psychic. Before I could say anything the Psychic suddenly disappeared into thin air. I suddenly jump back when she flashes back into to her ornately decorated home. " Hahaha sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." chuckles the Psychic. "Sliverr, I knew you were something special the day you were born. Your beautiful head of gleaming sliver hair was enough to tell me you were the one." says the Psychic in her soothing voice. "The one?' I reply back, stunned. " Yes the one. The one who will light a new path. That is why I used the last of my power to travel into the future to get you these." Says the Psychic as her voice turns from a soothing tone to a quieter, melancholy tone.

    *Present Day*

    "PiPi?" questions Eevee. "Oh sorry Eevee. I forgot to mention that I was only supposed to tell you this not Spinarak or any of my other Pokemon I catch." I reply feeling my bond with Eevee grow stronger. "PiPi!" yelps Eevee excitedly. "Alright I will continue." I say as Eevee gently nuzzles against my chest.

    *Flashback*

    "Psychic!" I exclaim " Why did you use the last of your powers on me!? Surely it can not be that important!" "Sliverr," replies the Psychic in her raspy voice " I went into the future to get you these." She says as she hands me a box with five spherical balls with one hemisphere red and the other one white. Also in the box was a colorful slab of stone? That opened up with a whole bunch of numbers and pictures? drawings? of Pokemon on it. The pictures were mostly grayed out "What is this stuff? I say as I stare quizzically at the box with the spheres and the slab of stone in it. "Those my dear are Pokeballs and a Pokedex." says the Psychic as she tries to cling on to her life. "What do they do?" I ask. "The Pokeballs can catch Pokemon and the Pokemon will not be able to escape once the ball makes a chiming noise. The Pokedex is there to record all of the Pokemon you catch and see." Replies the Psychic with basically no life left in her.
    "Thank you" I say as I see the life draining out of her body. She was a lively peach color with majestic purple hair when I walk in and now she is as pale as a ghost and her hair has turned to a grayish color. Suddenly the Psychic starts to rise as she fades away from the Earth. " Wait!" I exclaim. "Don't go! I still have so many questions!" I plead. "Remember," Stays the Psychic "Do what you think is right because you are the one, the one who will light a new path." Say the Psychic and than she disappears. "The Psychic wanted me to give you this." says one of her workers who I did not notice before. "It's an Eevee," I say "T-Thank you." As I leave, I notice that there is a note attached to the basket. It read " Silverr, if you are reading this, it means I have already passed. I want you to tell the story of our encounter to Eevee after you have caught your first Pokemon. This will help you and Eevee become closer. You can only tell this story to Eevee. I wish you the best of luck on your journey, remember friendship is stronger then power. And remember you are the one." Love, Violet.

    *Present Day*

    "And that is what happened when I met Violet, the Psychic" I say to Eevee as she quietly tries to sneak in a fourth berry. "PiPi!" says Eevee as she looks up at me and smiles. "I know this has made us closer and know we will be better friends." I say happily. Eevee then says "PiPi!?" I respond by saying " I think you and Spinarak should battle tomorrow when we reach the next town." I had a very good reason for saying this. I knew that strange presence was watching me and I did not want to show off my Pokemon's potential in front of it because who knows what lies ahead.
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  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by master3019 View Post
    I know it takes place before the Hoenn, Sinnoh, and Unova, but will there cameos by mons from those gens? Like other trainers having them? Because if you choose to do so, I would love to see the Eevee become Sylveon. That would be pwnage.
    I have not thought about that. I was thinking I was going to keep the Pokemon Johto only (maybe some Kanto) I don't think I am going to make Eevee evlolve into Sylveon because I am not sure if I like it. It is still an option!

    Quote Originally Posted by Jake76 View Post
    Alright, this one's been floating around the forums since the weekend so I guess I'll give it my due diligence and offer up a review:

    The Good: Ummmm...well I like the general premise of the story. Johto having a "guardian" of sorts is a good springboard and everyone likes a nice epic "chosen one" story so you've got a solid start there. Also, I liked that our story began in an unconventional town. All too often, you see trainer fics where the trainer just bounces from major city to major city with little to no regard for the possibility of small little hamlets along the way...so good on you for that. Also, catching a Spinarak was a nice touch. Poor little guy seems to be underappreciated.

    The Bad: Total lack of description. This whole story felt very flat, uninspired, and underdeveloped. I have no idea what Barsins, the main character, Eevee or Spinarak look like. That's a problem because it makes a fic horribly bland. Also, you didn't really give the main character any sort of personality. I mean, holy cow, the Psychic died right in front of him! And he didn't even react. That's highly unbelievable. This was also far too short...although if you improve your description it will probably reach optimum length.

    Overall: I like the story's original idea as it seems to be a slight deviation from typical trainer fics. However, the lack of description and character development makes it a really tough read. Work on those two things and I'll continue to try to help you out.

    Best of luck!
    Thank you so much for your review!! I just wrote chapter 2 and I added more description into the second chapter. Each chapter a new detail will be added about Silverr and his home village, but just to give you a taste of chapter 3.

    Barsins: Is located between Ecruteak city and Olivine city. The houses are mainly log cabins. In the center of the town is a statue of Celebi. The statue is mad of stone and is surrounded by beautiful Poinsettia flowers. The Village's poulation is about 10 people ( 8 now that Silverr left and the Psychic died) The town is usually not visited by many traveling trainers. It is built on the foot of Mt. Kumauni, which is roughly 8,000 feet tall. Many wild Pokemon like to visit the town because it is so serene and is in the middle of the forest.

    Silverr: Is about 13 years old. He started his journey late because he did not do well in Pokemon 101, even though the Psychic wanted him to graduate. The headmaster would not allow it. He has sliver hair which is around medium length. He lost his Parents when he was 5. They died because someone broke into their house and killed them. Silverr lived because he climbed out of the window. He has been living with his Aunt and Uncle for about a year. They pay no attention to him because they have a busy work schedule working as Gardeners at the next town. He is about 5'3 and weighs about 135lbs. (he is still skinny like the character Gold from the video game) He believes Friendship and Love are the most important thing to have with your Pokemon.

    Eevee: Is a very caring and loyal Pokemon. She is always by Silverr's side and is willing to risk her life for him. She is very playful and sometimes careless. However, She is always ready to fight. She is a special Eevee because she was bred by the Psychic.

    Spinarak: Will be described next chapter because he has not made a huge appearance in the story.
    Last edited by The Exalt; 5th March 2013 at 12:44 AM.
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  14. #14
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    So this was slightly better in that you gave us some insight into Silverr...but still too short. I really think you would be best served to slow down on chapters and take at least a full week to write your updates and fully flesh out/describe the setting. Your fic should be a minimum of 2 pages in microsoft word and I'm not sure you're even hitting that. Also, it's nice that you included character bios in your comments but try to incorporate the aspects of those bios into your writing. Just some ideas!
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