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Thread: Time Relativity

  1. #1
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    A/N: Wel, I'd like to welcome you guys to my newest story that I have been working on for quite a while. I feel like that this is my comeback into the world of non-shipping FanFiction, so bear with me here, alright then?

    Title: Time Relativity

    Author: Lost Requiem

    Genres: Adventure/Mixtures of Spiritual, Drama, and Gothic

    Rating: PG-15 (Might jump into R)

    PM List:

        Spoiler:


    Chapters:
    Prologue- To Slay a God (This post)

    Time Relativity

    Prologue

    To Slay a God



    A young, green haired man strode into a place of nothingness, only seeing varying swirls of blues and grays. He put his left hand on his sword, looking around cautiously. This place wasn’t exactly anywhere; instead it was a small pocket where time didn’t flow. He stopped in the middle of the small pocket, and suddenly an explosion of vibrant cerulean and wheat gold enveloped him. He looked around nonchalantly, and finally heard the voice of his prey.

    “Young mortal, why have you ventured into my realm? It is the very law of the universe for mortal beings to not enter our sacred realm; the price for not obeying these laws is death. So why, swordsman , do you want to throw your life away?” boomed an intimidating, fathomless voice. The sound reverberated through the alcove, making each echo more forceful than the last. The green-haired swordsman simply stood there adamantly, as if he was waiting for the being to show itself.

    The fencer did not seem to know if hours or minutes had past, but his patience was rewarded when the god stepped out into view. Though, he was notthe demonic beast he was fabled to be, he was just a man. The deity was clad in a beautiful armor made out of what appeared to be steel, but instead, forged from metal that has been long forgotten. At the center of his chest plate sat a large, deep cerulean diamond that seemed to have a clock etched into its design. At his side flowed an elegant long sword made out of silver, and at the hilt of the sword emerged a beautiful array of technicolor feathers, each marking the passing of an eon. The god’s circlet was forged from pure silver; a metal fabled to be brighter than the sun. Embedded in the circlet were many small, blue diamonds that seemed to create a musical melody whenever he moved his head.

    His dark, midnight blue hair flowed like a river, its sheen reflecting the many wisps of color that now illuminated the void they stood inside of. As the deity stepped closer, his face came into full physical view; his eyes themselves seemed to be diamond clocks set in two milky-white orbs. His face seemed to be immune from the raptures of time, but easily reflected all of the suffering the god has seen over the years. The scars of previous battles were openly displayed on his face, but they faded into the skin and were hardly noticeable in the dim lighting.

    “My purpose in venturing here… is to end your life,” the Gallade solemnly stated as he drew his sword. “And I swear, Time Lord Dialga, you will not leave this fight alive.”

    “A duel, that is what you want? You have broken our laws to have a battle to the death? So be it, I would like to see what your hubris shall lead to, but beware of this. If I fall, time will slowly start to stop. The planet we, the gods, govern shall start to paralyze, and the universe itself shall slowly start to crumble. I have been in many a duel in my lifetime, which only a small fraction has your bloodline even walked the planet. No more children shall be born. My death would lead to a reign of anarchy.” the deity warned as he took a small breath.

    “Time is considered an abstract idea, and in a sense it is. Without it, space can only last a short while before it will slowly collapse on itself. Law would be useless, as time is the law that keeps space’s chaos in check. The sun would never rise again; the world would be at a loss of color. I keep the world vibrant, fresh, and new, as I supply the energy for it to go forward and provide change.” Dialga looked aside, and quickly created an image of a young baby boy, not even a couple of months old. He then showed a couple of other images in the middle of the alcove, including a war-torn, monochrome city, a green-haired maiden, and a rainy battlefield. The last image was unique, as it had a single ray of light on a single flower, and lying next to the flower was the warrior’s sword, and a crimson sash. The images weren’t meaningful to the Gallade, and he tossed them out of his head.

    “That would be the future; do you accept it, Sir Thomoson Gallade the XIV?” Dialga asked hesitantly.

    “I told you, I will kill you,” the Gallade retorted, giving the Time Lord his answer.

    “Fine… En garde!”
    Last edited by Lost™; 30th June 2013 at 1:47 AM. Reason: Meeker found more errors


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  2. #2
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    Hey there! Deadly here, I got around to reading this finally -_- here's a couple of mistakes I found, and my thoughts and impressions.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lost Requiem View Post
    A young, green haired man slowly strode into a place of nothingness
    And, whoops, you just started with a paradox. One cannot stride slowly by definition: striding is defined as "to walk with long steps, especially in a hasty or vigorous way". So 'striding slowly' gives me an awkward image.

    This place wasn’t exactly anything; instead it was a small pocket where time didn’t flow.
    I think you meant 'anywhere', not 'anything'. Hell, considering the following sentence, you could even use 'anywhen' - if that's a word.

    It is the very law of the universe for mortal organisms to not enter our sacred realm, as the price is death.
    Odd reading. For one, 'organisms' seems too scientific a word for a 'Time Lord' to use. Also, 'to not enter', combined with 'the price is death' makes the entire sentence sound off. Perhaps make it "the price for not obeying these laws is death"?

    So why, young mortal,
    The speaker has already said 'young mortal' once, so this repetition isn't needed.

    making each echo more pressuring than the last.
    Incorrect use of 'pressuring'; it's a verb, not an adjective. Try 'more forceful' or 'louder' instead, depending on what you mean.

    The green haired swordsman just stood there adamantly
    Interesting choice of words. If I remember correctly, Dialga's 'signature item', if such a term exists, is the Adamant Orb. Also, 'green-haired' should be hyphenated.

    After a few minutes, or hours, the swordsman never could have known, stepped out a being, no, more of a man.
    'The swordsman never could have known' sounds off when combined with what comes before it. Try replacing it with something like: "The swordsman couldn't tell if hours or minutes had passed". 'Stepped out a being, no, more of a man' also sounds wrong.

    The man was clad in a beautiful armor made out of what looked like steel, but instead forged out of a metal that has been long forgotten.
    The second half changes tenses from past continuous (I think) to present perfect progressive. Also, there should be a comma after instead.

    At his side flowed an elegant long sword made out of mithril
    Correct me if I'm wrong, but mithril is a metal invented by Tolkien for LOTR. What is it doing in a Pokemon fic?

    The god’s circlet was made out of pure silver, which is fabled to be brighter than the sun.
    His face was fresher than a newborn child’s, but easily reflected all of the suffering the god has seen over the years.
    Tense changes again, this time to present continuous and present perfect progressive.

    “My purpose in venturing here… Is to end your life,” the green swordsman solemnly stated as he drew his sword.
    Firstly, 'is' need not be capitalised as it's still a part of the same sentence. Second, typo: 'solemnly', not 'solemn'.

    A duel, young mortal that is what you want?
    First of all, comma before 'that'. Second, I really think readers would have it drummed into their head by now that the swordsman is young and mortal.

    No more children shall be born, it would lead to anarchy to reign.” The deity warned as he took a small breath.
    Replace the comma between 'born' and 'it' with a fullstop. Replace 'it' with 'my death'. Replace 'anarchy to reign' with 'a reign of anarchy'. Replace the fullstop before the closing double quote (”) with a comma. Decapitalise 'the'. And you have yourself a sentence which flows far better than before! :)

    “I told you, I will kill you.” the Gallade retorted, giving the time lord his answer.
    Be consistent in your capitalisation of 'Time Lord'. Again, the fullstop before the closing double quote should be a comma.

    “Fine, shall be it… En Garde!”
    'Shall be it' sounds completely out of context here. Also, the 'G' in 'en garde' should probably not be capitalised.

    Finally, my thoughts. Despite a few tense changes and dialogue ending oddities, the chapter flowed nicely. Pacing does seem a bit slow, since not much happened, but after all, this is a prologue. Interesting premise; I assume Gallade and Dialga are anthromorphosised Pokemon? I'd love to see how you incorporate that into the fic. The title suggests to me that the duel between Dialga and Gallade (nice choice of characters there; I haven't seen Gallade in a fic in ages, but that's probably just my choice of reading, though) is a framing device for the story proper.

    Overall, a suspenseful read jarred slightly by grammatical errors here and there. I suggest you go through the tips on this link for some help with your dialogue punctuations. Anyway, I would like to be on the PM list :)

    ~Deadly
    Shoot Confirmed.


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  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Deadly.Braviary View Post
    Hey there! Deadly here, I got around to reading this finally -_- here's a couple of mistakes I found, and my thoughts and impressions.



    And, whoops, you just started with a paradox. One cannot stride slowly by definition: striding is defined as "to walk with long steps, especially in a hasty or vigorous way". So 'striding slowly' gives me an awkward image.



    I think you meant 'anywhere', not 'anything'. Hell, considering the following sentence, you could even use 'anywhen' - if that's a word.



    Odd reading. For one, 'organisms' seems too scientific a word for a 'Time Lord' to use. Also, 'to not enter', combined with 'the price is death' makes the entire sentence sound off. Perhaps make it "the price for not obeying these laws is death"?



    The speaker has already said 'young mortal' once, so this repetition isn't needed.



    Incorrect use of 'pressuring'; it's a verb, not an adjective. Try 'more forceful' or 'louder' instead, depending on what you mean.



    Interesting choice of words. If I remember correctly, Dialga's 'signature item', if such a term exists, is the Adamant Orb. Also, 'green-haired' should be hyphenated.



    'The swordsman never could have known' sounds off when combined with what comes before it. Try replacing it with something like: "The swordsman couldn't tell if hours or minutes had passed". 'Stepped out a being, no, more of a man' also sounds wrong.



    The second half changes tenses from past continuous (I think) to present perfect progressive. Also, there should be a comma after instead.



    Correct me if I'm wrong, but mithril is a metal invented by Tolkien for LOTR. What is it doing in a Pokemon fic?





    Tense changes again, this time to present continuous and present perfect progressive.



    Firstly, 'is' need not be capitalised as it's still a part of the same sentence. Second, typo: 'solemnly', not 'solemn'.



    First of all, comma before 'that'. Second, I really think readers would have it drummed into their head by now that the swordsman is young and mortal.



    Replace the comma between 'born' and 'it' with a fullstop. Replace 'it' with 'my death'. Replace 'anarchy to reign' with 'a reign of anarchy'. Replace the fullstop before the closing double quote (”) with a comma. Decapitalise 'the'. And you have yourself a sentence which flows far better than before!



    Be consistent in your capitalisation of 'Time Lord'. Again, the fullstop before the closing double quote should be a comma.



    'Shall be it' sounds completely out of context here. Also, the 'G' in 'en garde' should probably not be capitalised.

    Finally, my thoughts. Despite a few tense changes and dialogue ending oddities, the chapter flowed nicely. Pacing does seem a bit slow, since not much happened, but after all, this is a prologue. Interesting premise; I assume Gallade and Dialga are anthromorphosised Pokemon? I'd love to see how you incorporate that into the fic. The title suggests to me that the duel between Dialga and Gallade (nice choice of characters there; I haven't seen Gallade in a fic in ages, but that's probably just my choice of reading, though) is a framing device for the story proper.

    Overall, a suspenseful read jarred slightly by grammatical errors here and there. I suggest you go through the tips on this link for some help with your dialogue punctuations. Anyway, I would like to be on the PM list

    ~Deadly
    Alright then Deadly, thank you for the review, I fixed up the prologue with all of the errors you spotted and I do hope that the prologue shall flow a lot smoother now with the edits, and I'll put you onto the PM list. To answer your question about anthropomorphous Pokemon, yes, they are all anthropomorphous here. I know another popular term for humans with Pokemon characteristics is called gijinka, and that's what I'm aiming towards here.

    Anyways I did start setting up somethings here for the story. Mainly the protagonist, antagonist, the setting, and a couple of important plot points. The reason why I left the duel itself out is because of it fits better later in the story where it's relativity to the story would make more sense. I find the ironic thing that the antagonist was in this prologue a lot more then the protagonist.


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    A/N:This took a while, so sorry for the wait.

    Chapter one

    The Lie called Life

    Running. That was his only thought. Behind him, he could hear the bullets sing in the air, a ballad of death. He snuggled what he was carrying closer to him, making sure that the sack didn't escape his grasp. The boy was desperate, clinging onto the bag. It was only chance of hope to live, and he wouldn't get rid of it so easily.

    "Thief, you know that stealing is a punishment worthy of imprisonment," barked the demanding, jagged voice of an Accelgor. "Though, I feel a little bored today. I think shooting you into a bloody pulp would be much nicer!" The boy turned around to see the Pokemon captain close on in. The Accelgor's hair flowed in vibrant streaks of red and green, and he had scars on one eye. His body was cloaked in ebony wraps, which gave the boy the illusion he could unravel him and take him in.

    The boy quickly started to turn into alleyways, kicking up scraps of paper and avoid piles of rubble. He kept on scanning above and behind him, making sure he wasn't caught by bullets or the dilapidated building's rubble. He made his way out of the maze of alleys, and stopped on the wall and sighed. Looking around cautiously, he swiftly opened the sack, and took out what was inside.

    He pulled out a fresh slice of meat; the odor it gave off clearly signaled it was pork. He looked at the pork butt in amazement, and he could feel saliva starting to enter his mouth. He also noticed that amount of fat on there. It was enough for him to live off of for a week along, but also thin enough that it wouldn't give him any diseases that most meat those days had. Getting a delicacy like this was hard for the boy, but without it he wouldn't be able to live.

    He heard a large BANG, and jumped with shock when he saw a bullet hole right next to his head. Quickly putting the piece of meat back in his sack, he continued to escape, slowly quickening his steps with each shot fired. His head started to throb from all of the noise, and his stomach was starting to feel like a circus' acrobat. He quickly jerked his head to the left behind him, and noticed a small syringe sticking from his shoulder.

    "I should've known they would resort to toxic needles," he muttered to himself as he quickly stopped and plucked it and threw it at one of his pursuers. "I swear they use different tactics, but the same tricks."

    He swiftly spun around and continued to run, feeling the poison starting to course through his veins. He felt his body get quicker, despite the fact his muscles might start to atrophy soon. He stumbled into a large courtyard, one that was leading to a church. He had a hiding place just past the church, so if he could make it past there, he knew he could escape.

    He cautiously slinked along the crumbling walls of the courtyard. He was using the shadows as his cover, and if his pursuers could see through the deception of the shadows, he knew he was toast. Well, more likely to be shot into a million tiny pieces of fractured bone and scarlet blood.

    "Wait men, stop. He's hiding, I can smell the fear coming from him, and it's not uncommon for criminals to lurk in this courtyard's shadows. Why do you think this is called Giratina's circle? I don't want to know what other demons lurk here. Besides, angering a god isn't going to be the wisest thing, even if none of them give a damn about any of us," the captain sighed as he was about to order retreat.

    "Wait, General Yokishiba! You know Lord Thomoson is going to get angry at you for letting the thief escape. He's at large, why didn't you just shoot him down? I could have healed him... I can even hear him right now! You know that those of my race have excellent hearing," a nurse shouted, quickly catching up to the rest of the dispatch unit. The boy could tell from her last comment she was an Audino.

    "It's not worth it; he would've just rotted away in a jail cell if we caught him. What's the worth of that? Besides, more people are raped and killed each day then he has stolen from in his entire lifetime. We aren't here to uphold a broken law; we're just the cleanup crew. Both of us know it. Anyways, nobody really does care about the law anymore, so why do even do this? Let's just give up on this chase, it's useless. Though, it would've been fun to shoot him into a bloody pulp!" the general gleefully exclaimed after giving his depressing speech. After his pursuers left, the boy started to limp to the church, too tired to register what he overheard.

    After he was past the small church, he looked down at the cliff overlooking a toxic ocean made of sludge and waste. He heard the water there used to be clear and pristine, but all he could see was a glossy layer of nuclear waste. He looked down at the bag, and decided to latch onto it with his teeth. He then ran with all of the energy he had left, and jumped off the cliff.

    He swiftly latched onto the opening of small sewer duct that emptied into the ocean. He hoisted himself up into the sewer, and started to slowly crawl. His vision started to get hazy, and he was able to get onto the grimy pathways of the sewers before he collapsed.

    /) (\

    The boy woke up in a dark, musty room. He quickly turned his head around, and saw the lamp. Weakly, he lifted his left hand and flipped the switch. Artificial light is the closest thing they'd ever get to real light in this world. He looked down and saw he was covered with a tattered gray blanket. It gave him the warmth he needed to survive through the imperishable cold and darkness.

    He got up, noticing his shirt and shorts were taken off. He looked at his dull dark gray boxer briefs for a second, before getting up and trying to walk. It would take a couple of days to fully recover from the toxic, but it didn't have as powerful an effect on him as the previous doses had. He looked around meekly until he noticed an envelope on the table. He picked it up, and slowly unfolded the top of the envelope to see a hastily written note on rag paper. He carefully took out the note, careful to not rip the fragile paper, and started to read it.

    Dear Niko,

    Hey, I'm going to be away for a while. You stupid idiot, you could've at least tried to be more seclusive? We just got another batch of antidotes from the apothecary and you forced me to use it all! You're such an idiot at times, but nice score on the meat. Surprised those imperial bastards actually didn't get ya; they seemed to be out to kill ya. Hell, they even used the entire dose this time! Here I thought you built up an immunity to it, I knew we can't trust them. Well, like I said I'm going to be out of this hellhole for a while, might be able to get a nice deal on some of the merchandise I've been getting. I'll see ya soon.

    -Love

    Cayenne


    Niko put the letter down and sighed, it was typical of her to leave him like this. She was only 15 and she was one of the biggest names in the black market, the crazy girl. Niko decided to just let her do what she needed to do, it was futile to try and stop her.

    He cleared his mind of his friend before rummaging around for some cloths. The place was a pigsty, so looking for anything that was even remotely clean seemed to be impossible. He sniffed around for some cloths that smelled somewhat clean and grabbed them.

    Niko made his way towards the bathroom carefully, so that he wouldn't knock over Cayenne's trinkets or trigger the dormant poison in his body. He put his clothes on the toilet seat, perhaps one of the few things that was kept clean, and grabbed a spare rag to use as a towel. He quickly turned on the shower and waited for the rusted water to get blasted through the pipes.

    The houses that were carved and shaped into the sewer system were normally small and cramped, and could only situate two people in them at a time, unless they wanted to be sharing beds. Niko also knew that the houses pipes were poorly made, so that a large buildup of rust would occur about once a week. Since the place was positioned right next to the murky water, disease and unhealthiness were rampant, especially in this part of the city.

    Niko sighed as he felt a strange urge forming in his bladder. He quickly lifted up the toilet seat and urinated before taking his boxer briefs off and hopping in the shower. Flushing would make the water too hot for his tastes, so he didn't do it. He closed the curtain and turned around, feeling the warm water trickle down his back.

    Just another ordinary, dull day... After what happened yesterday I guess lying low would be wise. That's what Mother always told me to do... Well, before she was killed anyways. I think about her death whenever I'm alone like this; the water soothes me for some reason. It reminds me of her, and it also gives me a strong connection to my father as well. I don't know what he was exactly, but it feels natural for me to be with the water... I know he was a water-type.

    Niko looked around and grabbed the grimy bar of soap. There was barely any of the bar soap left, and it was covered with some of his fur, though it didn't exactly phase him, no matter how disgusting it was. He started to lather his body

    This world seems to be wasting away at itself, though I wouldn't know... I'm more worried about the Cayenne actually put that meat in the fridge. She's awfully flighty, to say the least... I have no clue on how she could be my sister either... That bird brain.

    Niko sighed as he put down the bar of soap and started to wash of his skin. It was sort of olivine in color, and smooth in texture. He cringed in pain when he washed his scars, as they created very sensitive welts on his skin that could cripple him at any second. He finished washing off his body from all of the gunk and grime; moving towards his tail, he grabbed a bottle of shampoo.

    It all started when Dialga was allegedly killed 15 years ago, right around the time I was born. The world soon fell into strife, with chaos running rampant. Then, our country's leader, Sir Thomoson XIV saved us, and united us under one broken rule. He has manipulated and twisted everyone's mind to believe he's a saint, but I can see through his lies and injustice. Though, I can't do anything about it, I'm weak and pathetic.

    He finished lathering his tail and started to wash it off. It was one of the more sensitive parts of his body, and he always felt a small jolt whenever he touched it. This made his tail one of the hardest things for him to wash, even if it did help him overall in the long run in agility.

    I think... That he's the cause of the world's paralysis. It seems too planned and orchestrated. Mother always taught me to be keen and observant, that the darkness was my friend. She told me, to follow what I feel was right... I feel that... That if I can revive Dialga, I could see the world how mother saw it. Though, that just seems like a hollow dream...

    Niko sat down in the tub and let the water hit his back. He started to wash his hair with the remaining amount of shampoo. The dirt and grime that made hair his oily was washing out in clumps, making his hair healthier. He cringed in pain as he got out the larger clumps of dirt that had hardened near the roots of his hair.

    When he was done with the torture called washing his hair, he sighed and silently sat in the tub, letting the water ran off back. He sighed, looking up at the dark cement ceiling above him. The space itself was small, but to him, the darkness was more comforting than claustrophobic. To him, it was most likely just instinct, and nothing more.

    He bolted up from his position when he felt the water start to turn ice cold. He scrambled to the shower's handle to turn the water off, shivering in the process. He grabbed the rag and started to dry himself off, hoping to get some warmth from the tattered rag. After he washed himself off, he shivered as a breeze drifted through the room, making him scurry to get his clothes on.

    After putting on a fresh pair of the same boxer briefs, Niko grabbed for his baggy cargo shorts. They were standard wear, made out of cotton fibers and some rags and colored a light gray. He gently put his tail through the opening in his shorts, and sighed. He grabbed his ebony leather belt and strung it through his shorts until they were in a comfortable fit on his waist. He attached his gun holster to the belt, making sure he heard the snap before he put his shirt on.

    Grabbing the t-shirt, Niko quickly put it on; awakening some of the pain from the spot the poison entered his body. The shirt itself was the same color as his shorts, a sort of light gray, though at the shoulders it formed a collar of black that went through the middle of his shirt. He then grabbed his sleevelets and put them onto his forearms, which weren't entirely muscular or fat. He then grabbed his pure black, fingerless leather gloves and put them over his hands. Lastly was his pair of goggles. The left lens was cracked, but it was the only other physical memento he had of his mother.

    Niko looked at himself in the broken, dirty mirror in the bathroom. He combed his tangled gray into a more combed back look with the tips and bands a little messy, but not enough to get in the way of his eyesight. He looked into the irises of his eyes, and saw two glittering garnets looking back at him. He also took notice of his jaundiced sclera, but he got use to the yellow hue to his eye, it gave him an edge in intimidation. Niko then ran his hand down his smooth face, searching for any foreign hairs that wanted to invade his skin from his body. After his daily inspection for facial hair, Niko sighed with relief that no results were found.

    He walked out of the bathroom, throwing the dirty clothing into a pile of clothes that needed to be washed. The pile itself was almost as high as Mt. Chimney, and the stench that permeated the room from it wasn't helping either. He silently cursed at his sister for leaving such a disgusting pile of cloths there. Eyeing the fridge, Niko went and opened the door, rummaging through the food that was stored in the fridge.

    After a while, (which was indeed a while due to the poison acting up) Niko found what he was looking for, raw salmon. He instantly bit into the fish, his sharp canines tearing the flesh apart. He noticed he caught a bone, and slowly removed it, not wanting to cause any damage to him or the bone. When he finished his breakfast, he filled a pot with water. He then put the pot on the oven and switched the heat to boil; then he put in the bones of the salmon, and the remaining skin and the eyes.

    When a little while passed, he put the salmon broth into a giant pot next to the stove and closed the lid. He looked at a smaller, denser pot next to the giant one; he dipped his fingers in and gave a taste.

    Perfect... This Salmon Sake is just perfect. I... I think that I could fetch a good price... At that oriental store... It could work... Decisions... I think I'll sell it... Half of … it that sounds about right. The other half will last Cayenne and I about a month. That could work... I guess I have to go out today after all.

    The Poochyena grabbed the pot of fermented salmon liquor, and started to head towards the door. Right as he was about to leave, he remembered his shoes. He nearly slapped himself for being forgetful and put the pot down, and put on his combat sneakers. Grabbing the sake pot again, Niko enabled the alarm system that his sister made. Well, he technically designed the plan, she just did all the work, but that's for another day. He opened the door, and then slammed it behind him, looking out into the light.

    /) (\

    Two beings looked out over the city, sitting atop the tallest skyscraper. The sky above them was gray, no sun or moon was lighting the sky; it left them in an eternal melancholy. The two of them looked at each other, and then once more over the city.

    "It seems that the boy has recovered Brother," asked the smaller of the two, a girls with long red and white hair.

    She wore a mask on the right side of her face, the left side of the mask cleanly cut off. On the side of her mask, a blue half of a triangle was imprinted. Standing up, her checkered red and white dress flowed in the wind, the black lace underneath swaying in sync. She played with an arrow from her quiver, wanting to shoot it off from the building

    "It seems he has Sister, we must tell the Lord instantly." Responded the larger of the two, and the male. He had white and blue shaggy hair, and he wore a mask on the left side of the face, the right side of his mask cleanly cut off. Imprinted on the left side seemed to be a red triangle. Standing up next to his sister, he wore a blue and white checkered suit, his tie hanging on for dear life trying to not be caught by the wind. He looked down at a ticking stopwatch, the only thing in the world that told time.

    "Then we shall see the events unfold?"

    "Yes Sister, we shall."

    "If it means reclaiming Master..."

    "It such a shame we outlived him."

    "Yes, it is a shame Brother."

    "Though, this boy's fate is interesting, right Sister?"

    "Agreed Brother, and if we need to step in?"

    "We will."

    "Even if it is against the Lord's orders?"

    "Yes Sister, everything is for our Master."

    "That boy, Niko was it? Anyways, I have a feeling..."

    "That he has the power to start it again?"

    "Yes Brother."

    "Then, shall we be off?"

    "Yes Brother, ever so gracefully."

    "Agreed Sister."

    The two siblings looked at each other and nodded, before vanishing into the wind.
    Last edited by Lost™; 28th April 2013 at 10:51 PM. Reason: Grammar Errors


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  5. #5
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    I don't have much to say really, but this story does have potential
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    And once again. Lost. Your writing never ceases to have me on edge. The story itself is very interesting, and has the makings of an amazing story. I'm assuming it's somewhat of an alternate version of the future from the Pokemon Mystery Dungeon games? That's what it seems like from the way you describe it. The character's seem quite interesting, especially the Gallade. I hope to hear a lot more from him in future chapters of the story. I'm also hoping that we get a formal look at Niko's sister.

    The only true critique I have, is that the story seems very slow. I can understand that you're trying to introduce everyone properly, and get the story moving. But the transitions are slightly confusing, and the action scenes are a little too long and drawn out, making them somewhat bland. (it's difficult to actually write a good battle scene that flows smoothly though, so don't fret.)

    But I enjoyed it, nonetheless. I would love to be put on the PM list dear. ouo

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    Yours has a potential that I'm curious to find out. This ... is something that can be interesting. But on chapter 1, is the protagonist a human? Or a pokemon?

    I'm starting to like your sense of giving it ark theme of Anarchy. Makes me think of Anarchy Reigns and Madworld.
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    Quote Originally Posted by jireh the provider View Post
    But on chapter 1, is the protagonist a human? Or a pokemon?
    I believe the story is kind of like PMD, but with gijinkas/Pokemorphs instead of Pokemon.

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    Quote Originally Posted by SpyroxPikachu View Post
    And once again. Lost. Your writing never ceases to have me on edge. The story itself is very interesting, and has the makings of an amazing story. I'm assuming it's somewhat of an alternate version of the future from the Pokemon Mystery Dungeon games? That's what it seems like from the way you describe it. The character's seem quite interesting, especially the Gallade. I hope to hear a lot more from him in future chapters of the story. I'm also hoping that we get a formal look at Niko's sister.

    The only true critique I have, is that the story seems very slow. I can understand that you're trying to introduce everyone properly, and get the story moving. But the transitions are slightly confusing, and the action scenes are a little too long and drawn out, making them somewhat bland. (it's difficult to actually write a good battle scene that flows smoothly though, so don't fret.)

    But I enjoyed it, nonetheless. I would love to be put on the PM list dear. ouo
    Thank you for the review and I'll put you on there. I know it's slow, but I'm sure chapter 2 will pick up the pace. Also, Cayenne will be introduced soon, not next chapter but soon.

    Though while the scenes are bland, they add a sense of realism to me at least. A chase isn't always action packed, and isn't always fast moving, and the actions taken in the scene does make sense personally...


    Quote Originally Posted by jireh the provider View Post
    Yours has a potential that I'm curious to find out. This ... is something that can be interesting. But on chapter 1, is the protagonist a human? Or a pokemon?

    I'm starting to like your sense of giving it ark theme of Anarchy. Makes me think of Anarchy Reigns and Madworld.
    Well they're gijinkas, and it's not like PMD unlike what deadly says. It's sort of like the Pokemon world, but different. I think chapter two will clarify it some things, but anyways thank you. I have plans for this story, and Anarchy will play a big role in the story, and I have to say is our mental antagonist actually...
    Last edited by Lost™; 15th May 2013 at 4:20 PM.


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    Nice chapter Lost. I'm curious as to who the checkered duo is. I had a few Pokemon in mind, but they might be wrong heheh.

    This might be a weird question, but how do you pronounce Cayenne?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Manna View Post
    Nice chapter Lost. I'm curious as to who the checkered duo is. I had a few Pokemon in mind, but they might be wrong heheh.

    This might be a weird question, but how do you pronounce Cayenne?
    Though they may be right, so you would never know until you knock out those duos of pokemon

    Sort of like the Cayenne pepper. Kai-Anne. I thought it would be obvious but I should most likely make a pronunciation guide from now on, but anyways the next chapter is going to be up soon (hopefully) everyone


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    Here from the review game.

    I remember seeing this being written out some time ago, but I never saw all of it. So I might as well give you my own thoughts on it. Let's go ahead and do the critiquing/noting on the story itself before I give my final thoughts. Because as of right now, I can tell you for sure that the prologue (despite it having mistakes of its own) is my favorite, as you will see here.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lost™ View Post
    “Young mortal, why have you ventured into my realm? It is the very law of the universe for mortal beings to not enter our sacred realm; the price for not obeying these laws is death. So why, swordsman , do you want to throw your life away?” boomed an intimidating, fathomless voice. The sound reverberated through the alcove, making each echo more forceful than the last. The green-haired swordsman simply stood there adamantly, as if he was waiting for the being to show itself.
    I honestly believe that the bolded should come right after “into my realm”. I tend to notice that usually if the description of the voice comes after dialogue, it's usually after the first sentence.

    Though, he was notthe demonic beast he was fabled to be, he was just a man.
    Uh oh, forgot a space in between that non-existent word.

    The deity was clad in a beautiful armor made out of what appeared to be steel, but instead, forged from metal that has been long forgotten. At the center of his chest plate sat a large, deep cerulean diamond that seemed to have a clock etched into its design. At his side flowed an elegant long sword made out of silver, and at the hilt of the sword emerged a beautiful array of technicolor feathers, each marking the passing of an eon. The god’s circlet was forged from pure silver; a metal fabled to be brighter than the sun. Embedded in the circlet were many small, blue diamonds that seemed to create a musical melody whenever he moved his head.

    His dark, midnight blue hair flowed like a river, its sheen reflecting the many wisps of color that now illuminated the void they stood inside of. As the deity stepped closer, his face came into full physical view; his eyes themselves seemed to be diamond clocks set in two milky-white orbs. His face seemed to be immune from the raptures of time, but easily reflected all of the suffering the god has seen over the years. The scars of previous battles were openly displayed on his face, but they faded into the skin and were hardly noticeable in the dim lighting.
    I liked what you were painting (a human) Dialga to look like, but perhaps it's a little bit too wordy, too full of prose? I guess it helped lessen the strain on the eyes that it's split into two paragraphs instead of one huge blob of text like most writers tend to do when describing characters, but I personally find it a bit much. Like take “dark, midnight blue” for instance. We already know that “midnight” means “really dark”. So that would make “dark” redundant, or “midnight” too full of prose. It decisions like this in words that writers have to make with every sentence.

    “My purpose in venturing here… is to end your life,” the Gallade solemnly stated as he drew his sword.
    Honestly, wouldn't it have made more sense to have the man described as a Gallade like from the very beginning? Because... I didn't know this was a Pokémon gijinka story. There was nothing in the author's notes that said so. So I thought this green-haired swordsman was just a person, not a Pokémon gijinka.

    “A duel, that is what you want? You have broken our laws to have a battle to the death? So be it, I would like to see what your hubris shall lead to, but beware of this. If I fall, time will slowly start to stop. The planet we, the gods, govern shall start to paralyze, and the universe itself shall slowly start to crumble. I have been in many a duel in my lifetime, which only a small fraction has your bloodline even walked the planet. No more children shall be born. My death would lead to a reign of anarchy.” the deity warned as he took a small breath.
    Bolded should've been nearer the start of the paragraph.

    “Time is considered an abstract idea, and in a sense it is. Without it, space can only last a short while before it will slowly collapse on itself. Law would be useless, as time is the law that keeps space’s chaos in check. The sun would never rise again; the world would be at a loss of color. I keep the world vibrant, fresh, and new, as I supply the energy for it to go forward and provide change.” Dialga looked aside, and quickly created an image of a young baby boy, not even a couple of months old.
    Adding to the above paragraph, if Dialga is still speaking, then if you had the bolded (above) moved to the beginning of the paragraph, then the end quotation of the first paragraph wouldn't be there. Thus, it would make this paragraph correct and not confusing or out-of-place. Get what I mean?

    “That would be the future; do you accept it, Sir Thomoson Gallade the XIV?” Dialga asked hesitantly.
    Wait, why is Dialga being hesitant in asking Gallade when he was rather calm and collective in speaking to him?

    All right, so you leave the prologue on a bit of a cliffhanger. Nice judgment there. Now let's see what chapter one is like.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lost™ View Post
    "Thief, you know that stealing is a punishment worthy of imprisonment," barked the demanding, jagged voice of an Accelgor. "Though, I feel a little bored today. I think shooting you into a bloody pulp would be much nicer!" The boy turned around to see the Pokemon captain close on in. The Accelgor's hair flowed in vibrant streaks of red and green, and he had scars on one eye. His body was cloaked in ebony wraps, which gave the boy the illusion he could unravel him and take him in.
    Hmm... there's nothing really wrong about this paragraph, but I wonder if maybe the bolded should've been moved toward the beginning of that spoken line of dialogue. I dunno, the flow/pace of that sentence was kinda jagged there.

    pork butt
    *snickers* “Butt”. Okay, yeah, I know it's an actual name for it, but... xD whoever named these pieces of meat never thought ahead. Even though now I know where the meat comes from itself, I can't help but imagine a pig's butt complete with curly tail.

    Sorry, has nothing to do with the story, but I couldn't resist.

    He heard a large BANG
    That's a bit distracting. It should be lower-cased, and perhaps italicized.

    "Wait men, stop. He's hiding, I can smell the fear coming from him, and it's not uncommon for criminals to lurk in this courtyard's shadows. Why do you think this is called Giratina's circle? I don't want to know what other demons lurk here. Besides, angering a god isn't going to be the wisest thing, even if none of them give a damn about any of us," the captain sighed as he was about to order retreat.
    I'm noticing a problematic pattern. It's technically not wrong, but it would help immensely to have the description of the speaker speaking as close to the start of the paragraph as possible. That way, the reader can have a good idea of how to “hear” them speak.

    Also, I really wish there was mention that the story was going to be a Pokémon gijinka, because until it's mentioned what species they're supposed to be, I keep imagining them as normal people. Which would easily make this appear to be an original story than a fan fiction, which is not what you're going for, perhaps. I guess it would be easier to fix if you ever plan on making this original fiction, but still.

    Moving on.

    The boy woke up in a dark, musty room. He quickly turned his head around, and saw the lamp.
    These sentences could technically be one sentence, or at least expanded upon. Like the last sentence here when he saw the lamp can be combined with this:

    Weakly, he lifted his left hand and flipped the switch.
    It keeps the sentences from being wonky. This is something that is easy to fix, and quite a number of sentences from here-on out are like that.

    It would take a couple of days to fully recover from the toxic
    It's “toxin”.

    Just another ordinary, dull day... After what happened yesterday I guess lying low would be wise. That's what Mother always told me to do... Well, before she was killed anyways. I think about her death whenever I'm alone like this; the water soothes me for some reason. It reminds me of her, and it also gives me a strong connection to my father as well. I don't know what he was exactly, but it feels natural for me to be with the water... I know he was a water-type.
    Okay... I think his thoughts could be more-or-less vague, and then have some third-person narration on top of that. We want to at least see for ourselves that water makes him calm, and to not have him tell us it does, and why it does. Otherwise, it looks really odd.

    There was barely any of the bar soap left, and it was covered with some of his fur
    Wait... he has fur?

    ...and this is where Pokémon gijinka weird me out a bit, but again, it would've been helpful to know this prior to the story.

    Niko sighed as he put down the bar of soap and started to wash of his skin.
    Okay, if he has fur, then why is his skin mentioned? Is he really scrubbing down in between tufts of fur? I'm totally confused.

    Also, "off".

    It all started when Dialga was allegedly killed 15 years ago, right around the time I was born. The world soon fell into strife, with chaos running rampant. Then, our country's leader, Sir Thomoson XIV saved us, and united us under one broken rule. He has manipulated and twisted everyone's mind to believe he's a saint, but I can see through his lies and injustice. Though, I can't do anything about it, I'm weak and pathetic.
    With exception of possibly the last sentence, this could've just been third-person narrative and it would've worked fine.

    He finished lathering his tail
    He has a tail too?!

    *slaps self*

    Moving on.

    He started to wash his hair with the remaining amount of shampoo.
    Hair... and fur... what next, does he have a muzzle?

    I shouldn't be disturbed by this had I known ahead of time about gijinkas. And... what Pokémon species is he supposed to be, anyway? Wouldn't we have known of this by now?

    Also, the following is about two paragraphs of Niko putting on his clothes and describing every piece of clothing. That's not necessary except for this part:

    Lastly was his pair of goggles. The left lens was cracked, but it was the only other physical memento he had of his mother.
    That is necessary to know because it's a memento, and it does make him stand out a bit. The other pieces of clothing are not mementoes, and thus we don't care about what color his shirt is, or about his boxer shorts.

    Perfect... This Salmon Sake is just perfect. I... I think that I could fetch a good price... At that oriental store... It could work... Decisions... I think I'll sell it... Half of … it that sounds about right. The other half will last Cayenne and I about a month. That could work... I guess I have to go out today after all.
    Eh... I think this should be spoke out loud.

    The Poochyena
    He was a Poochyena this whole time when we could've gotten it closer to the beginning of the chapter. And here I thought he was a Growlithe or Houndour. We were able to get some explanation of who the other characters were (the Accelgor, and the Audino), but not him. We don't even know who Cayenne is except they're not related.

    If their species are important enough to note, then why weren't we given who he is just as soon?

    Grabbing the sake pot again, Niko enabled the alarm system that his sister made.
    Wait, I'm confused... is Cayenne his friend or his sister?

    Two beings looked out over the city, sitting atop the tallest skyscraper. The sky above them was gray, no sun or moon was lighting the sky; it left them in an eternal melancholy.
    If the sky's gray, then of course there's no sun or moon in the sky.

    "It seems that the boy has recovered Brother," asked the smaller of the two, a girls with long red and white hair.
    No “s” at the end.

    She wore a mask on the right side of her face, the left side of the mask cleanly cut off. On the side of her mask, a blue half of a triangle was imprinted. Standing up, her checkered red and white dress flowed in the wind, the black lace underneath swaying in sync. She played with an arrow from her quiver, wanting to shoot it off from the building
    So is she a Togetic, or a Throh or Sawk? Same question goes for the brother. It's nice that you're leaving their identity a big vague, but perhaps you shouldn't have described everything about her and her brother if they're supposed to look mysterious. It would've been better that way unless they really are out in the open for anyone to see.

    "Yes, it is a shame Brother."

    "Though, this boy's fate is interesting, right Sister?"

    "Agreed Brother, and if we need to step in?"

    "We will."

    "Even if it is against the Lord's orders?"

    "Yes Sister, everything is for our Master."

    "That boy, Niko was it? Anyways, I have a feeling..."

    "That he has the power to start it again?"

    "Yes Brother."

    "Then, shall we be off?"

    "Yes Brother, ever so gracefully."

    "Agreed Sister."

    The two siblings looked at each other and nodded, before vanishing into the wind.
    You need more description during their dialogue. It would've been appropriate to do that in some places, like when the girl mentions Niko.

    So there you have it. My biggest qualm with this story is that I didn't know it was going to be a Pokémon gijinka story. This honestly could be passed off as an original story if you take out Pokémon names. I'm serious, this is pretty much “Pokémon in name only” right here, and that should've been noted from the very beginning. It's not a good sign if you have a reader confusing a story for something else, or at least not understanding who the characters are.

    Speaking of characters, I'm not finding much interesting in Niko here, and he's supposed to be our protagonist. All we know of him is that he and his sister/friend are pretty much bandits, in a way, having to scavenge food and other items to survive. Meanwhile, Niko's been hunted down and poisoned for whatever reason. Why does he keep getting poisoned? Why is him being a theif being treated so seriously that they're shooting at him? What is going on in the world that he's living in? Did the world really go into chaos once Dialga, the God of Time, died? We get some explanation through Niko's thoughts, but I honestly can't rely on him like that.

    You had a good start with him being chased down through a gray, desolated place, but once he was alone, it just got dull and uninteresting. Why is he and his sister/friend living like that to begin with, anyway? What exactly happened to the world? The first chapter is the most important chapter because you're introducing us to the world. If we don't have a good idea on what the world the characters living in is like, then how can we enjoy the atmosphere of it all? Really, in all honesty, you should've focused on the setting and had Niko do more things than just take a shower, put on clothes, and make salmon sake... for whatever reason.

    And this is why the prologue is my favorite. It's brief and to the point in having a mortal challenge a god to kick off what will happen in the future. Obviously, it's a foregone conclusion since the world went to Hell in a hand basket after Dialga's death... but perhaps it would've been best to have that be vague as well, which is why the prologue left off the way it did. Wouldn't it have made more sense for the reader to come to that conclusion themselves that Dialga was killed instead of having it be told to them? That's something that really should've been revealed way later in the story. Especially since there are other gods, apparently. I really doubt Dialga was that much in charge of the world's order. What about Palkia? Did he/she/it fall to this Gallade, too?

    So the story's a bit discombobulated right now because of that. It'd be much better to have the first chapter focus on atmosphere than with the main character who doesn't do much outside of recovering from being shot at after stealing meat. Even if it meant making the first chapter longer, that would've helped loads, especially since I personally don't care for Niko at the moment. I was much more interested in him running from the captain/police/whatever than him recuperating. And that's not a good sign.

    So I don't know where you're going with this story, but hopefully you'll kick it in gear within the next chapter, whenever that will be. Good luck, Lost, and take care.
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    Thank you for the review KP. Sorry if the first chapter was so lack luster, well, at least the second half and especially with everything you pointed out. I know I most likely should of let Dialga's death been deducted by the reader, and so forth. I wasnted to give more of some character development there than anything, but the sake does play a role in chapter two, which I hope helps with some direction in where it's going. I hope this chapter fixes everything, or at least soemthing for you, and anyone else who had your problems. And speaking of chapter two, here it is.

    Chapter Two

    Broken Faith

    Niko silently slinked his way through the crowds, trying not to be caught with the sake pot. Alcohol here was considered a delicacy, and if anyone found out he had sake, his head would instantly be gracefully situated on a pike. He cautiously darted his eyes left and right, checking to see if the area was clear. When he felt comfortable enough, he took off towards a nearby alleyway.

    The alley itself was dark, the shadows seemed to be reaching out towards him in a kind embrace of death, and the stench of rotten meats started to choke him. Instinctively he clutched his nostrils, trying to desperately save them from stench of putrid entrails and other, more unholy things. Many poison-types lived in these trash pits -it was the only place they were accepted- and the Poochyena found it a tad cruel. Though it was the way society was, and he couldn’t reform it at all. The law was in place, and all anyone had these days was broken faith.

    He strolled down the alley, giving curt hellos to the various gijinka in the alleyway. He did have to cover his mouth a few times to avoid the cigarette smoke from the cigarettes from some of the Koffing and Weezing he past. However, the residents of the alley minded their own business, unlike most of the others living in the sanctity of a house or other suitable habitat. Niko could pick up the faint noises of gunshots, and the smell of blood was faint but fresh, as if being carried by a light breeze. His heightened senses were both a blessing and a curse; while it made him safer and more aware, it also made him jumpy and cautious.

    He pulled his weapon from its holster, giving jumpy glances across the alley before bolting out of it. After getting to a safer spot, he checked to make sure his sake pot was stable. The dark-type knew it would of been unfortunate to lose what was worth a good thousand. He quickly twitched his ears, trying to locate the movements of all of the gijinkas around him. Niko had a terrible case of paranoia, especially after his mother died.

    Deciding that it was safe to move on, Niko quickly darted down the next alleyway. He continued to move from alley to alley. Looking up at the sky, he could tell he was spending way too long in the alleyways due to the fading visibility. Nighttime meant that rapists and who knows what would soon start to come out of their dens. Seeing a rusted, scarlet door, he skidded to a halt and quickly went up to the door. He slammed his fist on the door three times before giving three light taps above the handle. The city had many secrets, including certain knocks to get into any place that Niko needed to get into. He waited for a while, catching his breath, inhaling the disgusting air. After a while, a tall, older man came to the door, his face looking like that of a solemn guardian. A small smile came onto his face when he saw Niko, however.

    “Ah boy, you seem to grow a bit every time I see ya! Come on in,” the man exclaimed, his husky voice almost sounding out of place with the words, with a certain enthusiasm. His blue hair rustled from the boom of his voice, and the scars shriveled up at his hearty smile.

    Niko walked into the building hesitantly, the aromas of spices and meats hitting his nostrils in strong bursts. He could hear the sizzling of oils and the rushed commands of the cooks. They went through the kitchen, where most of the food sung in the air, almost like a joyous septette. The older man went through a small room that was filled with towering piles of paperwork. He sat down behind a small, red desk that looked like it was about to fall apart, and various photos and swords hung on the peeling wall behind him.

    “So what brings you here today, Niko?” The man asked in a serious tone, one that complimented his tone better. His blue and red kimono seemed to radiate a sense of dominance, and the glare he was giving the poochyena was filled with authority.

    “T-This,” Niko put the sake pot on the table. “A fresh pot of Salmon Sake. I left the bones in there, in case you wanted to make a broth with it, Fei.”

    “I see then. How much do you want for it?” he asked solemnly, before making an aside comment. “Wow, normally your sister is doing this... You’re not that kid anymore.” Fei gave a small chuckle.

    “I’m just not a kid. Nothing else has changed,” Niko calmly answered back, even if he was feeling nervous on the inside. He was really afraid of doing something wrong, and tried to imitate his sister as she did these transactions. Niko wasn’t a people person or good with words, and he knew that bargaining wasn’t his forte either. But he forced himself to look calm and started playing with his gun. “Anyways, there should be enough sake in there to fill around 12 bottles, more than the last batch we approached you with. I’ll put down a price of 7500 Poké. It should be a steal considering the average bottle sells for around 2000.”

    “I’ll make a profit of 16,500. That’s not fair, boy,” Fei replied, his sense of honor dancing in those words. “How about I pay you 12,000 for it? I’ll get the money I payed you back. That’s fair.”

    “How about you pay me 10k? You’ll make a good profit,” Niko remarked, his cool facade hiding his fear.

    “Niko, my boy, you got to understand that you and Cayenne need to survive. You two are basically family to me, considering how things are. I’m going to pay you 12,000, and that’s the deal of it. Besides, if anyone has a chance of escaping this hellhole, it’s going to be one of you. I remember when I first met Maria.” Niko felt his heart being stabbed at the mention of his mother’s name. “She was so cheerful and energetic: a true party girl whom everyone looked up to. She was a blessing to all of us who knew her, and it seemed that her kids don’t take after her. You sister has her spark, but you have her heart. Listen to me my boy. Even if time stopped, that doesn’t mean you have to live your life in fear the entire time.

    “Go out of Castelia. Get away from here. Flee! Leave us all behind. I’m just an old Salamence with wings that can’t fly. You two have a chance at least to live on through this incident. Besides, what’s the use of hope? With hope, only despair can truly exist, so stop hoping about getting what you need, take action, and achieve it! Stop believing in a broken faith, Niko. Just continue on living.” Fei finished giving his powerful speech, coughing after straining his voice. Niko rushed to his side and tried to give him support, only to be shooed away.

    “I will, sir. I promise you that,” the Poochyena meekly promised before heading towards the door.

    “Hey, boy. where are you going?” Fei asked, regaining his posture.

    “Home.”

    “Come on, stay awhile, my boy!”

    “I guess I have nothing better to do,” Niko responded distantly before his stomach used Growl. “And I guess I’m also a bit hungry...”

    “ A bit? It sounds like it can devour the entire Red Dragon in a second,” Fei heartily chuckled.

    “S-Shut up old man! It’s most likely just the poison talking,” Niko grumbled, embarrassedly before looking away.

    “Poison? I guess no matter how many times, you wind up with some substance in you,” Fei sighed before starting to head out towards the door.

    “It’s not my fault it’s the Imperial’s favorite weapon!” Niko retaliated before trailing after Fei.

    “At least you’re like your mother when you’re poisoned. That trait saved her, and your, life more times then it should have,” Fei bitterly responded to Niko, but the Poochyena could sniff out worry faintly trailing the words. The two of them stayed silent as they walked through the kitchen as the chefs continued to hastily cook orders. Fei led Niko into the main room, which had an elegant, oriental flare to it. A giant garnet seemed to race along the walls, and the paper lanterns hanging from the ceiling gave it a more traditional vibe to the restaurant. Gijinka at the tables were shouting in everything from arguments to friendly chatter. Niko took a seat with Fei at a small, secluded booth near the back corner of the restaurant. A girl with short, white hair and black buns walked up to them with a leaf in her mouth.

    “Hello, sirs! It’s nice to see you both dining here again. Fei, shall I get you the usual, sir?” the girl asked in a sweet tone after giving the traditional bow that was part of Fei’s Johtoan heritage.

    “Yes, Fang.” Fei tilted his head in response and then started to survey to restaurant.

    “And you?” she asked Niko, though it felt more like a jab.

    “I’ll just take some Sriracha pot stickers,” Niko timidly replied before sighing, seeing the girl starting to walk towards the kitchen. Her small, round tail was noticeable from her red and gold dragon-patterned qipao.

    “When did you hire her?” Niko asked Fei quietly.

    “About a week ago. She’s been doing good so far. We’ve gotten notice that we had to expand. Apparently, even our dictator loves this place,” Feir replied quietly but spat out the word dictator in bitter disgust.

    “You need to tell me that story one day. About the war that happened before I was born. You promised you’d tell my sister and me that story when we were younger, yet you never did. I guess it’s better late than never, right?” Niko gently asked the old man, his voice seemingly clouded by distant memories.

    “Fine, I guess I’ll tell you about the current situation as well... I know you probably know, but it’s still a great tale nonetheless. I’ll start when we get out food,” Fei responded to Niko, giving him a passionate pat on the head.

    The two sat chatting for a while, reminiscing on old memories while waiting for their food to arrive. The Red Dragon itself seemed to have a lively vibe to it, and it gave Nico a morale boost of sorts. It was a safe place: fights rarely broke out, items stayed in place, excellent food always served, and overall good people . It was sort of some unthinkable paradise, but not all paradises can be kept safe for long. And Niko knew that when fights did break out they were usually large and normally involved weapons. The fights mostly ended when one side was killed, each fighting like a dragon. The Poochyena sighed and fiddled with his weapon until he saw their plates arrive. Niko grabbed one of his pot stickers and bit into it, the taste of Sriracha and fresh pork mixing in a spicy harmony. He noticed Fei stand up and walk to a small stage near the back of the restaurant. Considering its small size, the old Salamence didn’t have to strain his voice that much.

    “Listen up, everyone! Since today’s Wednesday, it’s another day for legends and history! Today, I’m going to be covering the great war that happened and its after effects. Now settle down and stay awhile. There’s no rush! We always have desserts and a fresh new shipment of sake for anyone who wants them,” Fei told the crowd, who all started to burst into cheers at the mention of sake, making Niko laugh.

    “Now, let me see here. There use to be six great nations: Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, Sinnoh, Unova, and Kalos. These nations lived in peace and harmony for millennia, each having their own governing gods and own different cultures. They had excellent trade and commerce, and political issues were always handled with care. During this time, there existed two different races, Pokemon and Humans. The two species are considered our ancestors by some, while others simply said they never existed. Whatever the case was, the two races lived together in peace and harmony. However, a great war soon began, due to a new, power-hungry ruler taking Kanto’s throne. This war, known as the Thousand Years War, lasted for a millennia and destroyed the very fabric of our planet. Sometime during the war, gijinka were created, and by the end of the war, they were the only ones left. I participated in this war. It was a very bloody, gruesome war where too much blood was spilled. Most of the land was left uninhabitable by how much nuclear power was expended in this great battle.

    “Kanto became a wasteland; the most advanced nations in the world now a pile of nuclear ash. Johto was also slammed indirectly with what happened to Kanto, making most of the country uninhabitable. And what is inhabitable is filled with strife and poverty, worse than what we have here, in our once beloved Castelia. Hoenn has become a safe haven for pirates, and most of the world’s illicit crimes happen there. It is not the island paradise it used to be, considering that the planet itself is in paralysis. Sinnoh was largely untouched, but it is forbidden by anyone to go there unless they’re a religious zealot who believes in that broken faith. Here, our beloved Unova, has suffered the most damage. Our beloved, fallen Castelia is only a shell of what it use to be, but it is still the only city left in the world. The sea itself is toxic sludge, and the air we breathe is of heavy pollution. Towards Pinwheel, the smog is too thick for even poison-types to last there. The north is an icy tundra, laid waste due to Kyurem’s rampage. Kalos has disappeared off the map entirely, ever since the war started. Kalos is sort of an enigma. What’s there, I don’t know, but I don’t dare to ever find out.”

    “Now, I guess it’s time to move onto the planet’s paralysis. I know this is forbidden, but what can those fresh recruits do to a seasoned veteran? Ah well, 15 years ago marked when the war ended and also humanity’s growth. Our leader, Sir Thomoson, was fabled to have killed the Time Lord, Dialga. I remember when Dialga was killed, and I’m sure most of you should as well. The world seemed to start losing all of its colors, people started to get more malevolent, and so forth. Thomoson united us here in Castelia, but we’ve been under a hollow law and broken faith ever since he started ruling. But at least we have a false sense of security. Well, after Dialga died, strange things have started to occur. The sun never rises anymore, and it seemed all the Volcarona and Larvesta were killed as well. There hasn’t been a lot of faith, and hence there isn’t any mentions of the gods in a long while. Another strange phenomena is that no children have been born at all, ever since Niko was born.” Fei gave a quick glance towards the Poochyena, who was lazily eating his pot stickers. “Not to mention other countless strange phenomena. Well, I thank everyone who has stayed through that rather long speech, and I hope you have a good night! Also, remember, dessert’s fr-” Fei started to end his long, didactic speech, bowing to many different corners of the room. Niko could hear the strain starting to mix into Fei’s voice; the old man wasn’t getting any younger after all. The room seemed too quiet to Niko, however. As if... to him, something was missing. A certain voice. Niko quickly turned his head to his side and realized it was his sister. Though he couldn’t keep at the hazy state for long, a loud noise, sort of like a boom, cut the silence and the ending of Fei’s speech.

    The world seemed to freeze at a standstill for a second, Niko observing everything in slow motion. He quickly tried to get up and rush to the falling old man, gunshots singing through the screams of the diners in the Red Dragon. However, the world seemed to speed back up to normal speed just as he reached Fei, who was on the ground face down. Niko hesitantly flipped over the old Salamence, fear starting to cloud his judgements. He quickly examined Fei, noticing he was still breathing. He looked at the hole in Fei’s kimono to see the lower half starting to fade into scarlet and a small hole around where the stomach would be located.

    “Niko.”

    Niko quickly snapped to look at Fei’s face. The dark-type could see his face contorted in pain and agony was cast through his eyes.

    “I’ll be fine boy. It’s just a mere flesh wound,” the old dragon tried to reassure Niko. Though the look in his eye’s gave Niko a sense it wouldn’t exactly.

    “Y-You sure Fei... I mean you’re bleeding quite a lot...” Niko quickly replied worryingly. Niko could see Fei was about to reply before the old dragon was cut off.

    “Listen up! All of you stay on the floor, or we’ll shoot again. I want everyone to throw their money on the floor,” a demanding, powerful voice ordered, though it was a bit high pitched and... kiddish.

    Niko stood up and looked in the direction of the voice to see a quivering, blond haired teen. He seemed to be wearing clothing made out of leaves, including a leaf hoodie. Niko also quickly examined the other two; a gothic girl with white ribbons and two tornado-like curls coming from the sides of her head, and a bulky, umber-skinned man carrying a two by four.

    “A-and, what if we do refuse?” Niko hastily asked, putting his hands on his weapon.

    “Then, we’ll crush a little shrimp like you,” the bigger man replied.

    “Jake, calm down. You focus on getting the money. Susan, can you help me take care of this... problem?” the leader asked the girl with a certain disgust.

    “Erik, just do it,” she barked back at him, and the two of them drew their weapons. Erik quickly aimed at Niko and fired.

    Niko quickly drew his pistol-knife and sidestepped but not without a shot hitting him in the shoulder. Cringing from the pain, he glanced at the two thieves before rushing at them. Using a table as leverage, he lunged at the blond started to slash at him. The girl quickly jumped in front his opponent, erecting a barrier. The sudden rebound of force sent him flying backwards, causing the Poochyena to slam into a table, as Niko struggled to get back up. Niko’s opponent slowly started to walk towards him, a sadistic smile starting to form on his face as he aimed his gun at Niko. Reacting quickly, Niko shot the boy, the bullet going through his attacker’s leg. His scream of agony filled the room, and Niko used the distraction to hide behind a table flipped on its side.

    Every so often, Niko lifted his head above the table to make sure his shots weren’t being fired aimlessly. He noticed that the ceiling above the two thieves was starting to come loose from all of the bullets singing in the air. Niko quickly shot four bullets at a beam, getting a small hope ofvictory as it came crashing down on his opponents. The hope faded when he saw them both relatively unharmed by the falling rubble and quickly jumped from under the table. He saw the girl, who was busy lifting down the pieces of beams and paper, and stabbed her with the knife. He pulled it out of her stomach and watched her fall, his mind and body starting to freeze up.

    D-Did I get her? I don’t think I actually did... but maybe I did.... I should worry more about that thief right now. Niko sighed as he turned around, only to see a gun pointed at his face.

    “Put the weapon down, or I’ll shoot, pooch,” Erik ordered, playing with the trigger a bit nervously.

    “F-Fine, you got me, I guess,” Niko replied, faking a reluctant tone, before setting his weapon down, positioned so the barrel was aimed at the thief’s foot.

    “Any last words?”

    “Two. Dark Pulse,” Niko cockily responded.

    The boy saw the thief start to fall down towards the ground, head first. He quickly took the initiative and tried to land a blow.

    “Smart bastard... String Shot!” the thief retaliated as he released a web of sticky, silky strings over the restaurant. His body landed on one and used it to propel himself up one of the strings, causing Niko to have a disadvantage.

    Niko picked up his weapon and continued the fight, the two of them exchanging fire in the small room. The Poochyena noticed that the thief was using his gun’s recoil to bounce along the strings. Eventually, Niko ran out of ammunition and decided to start hacking away at the strings, despite the risk of being shot. He started to cut the strings close to him but had some trouble due to the dulled blade and the fresh blood on it. It didn’t help he had to dodge a rain of bullets as well. Through his hasty slashing, Niko heard a loud thud and turned to the direction to see the thief getting up from a fall. Seeing his opportunity to strike, Niko lunged forward to hit the Sewaddle but was interrupted by a plume of fire that appeared before him. Quickly pulling his knife back, he saw a boy standing there with an innocent smirk, making Niko almost crash into him.

    “Hey, watch where you’re going!” Niko yelled at him.

    “Well sorry, I heard there was a fight, so I came to collect the soul of the loser,” the boy responded with a cheerful tone before brandishing a large scythe.

    “Are you some kind of sadist!?” Niko yelled.

    “Nope, just a regular reaper. Name’s Asher.”

    “Niko. Now can you help me get these thieves?”

    “Sure, why not?” Asher responded in a more deeper voice.

    Does this kid have bipolar disorder or something?

    Niko pushed away the nagging thought about the reaper and focused on the now back together group of thieves. The girl, Susan, was clutching her wound, and the leader was reloading his gun once again. Niko and Asher both got on the defensive position and looked at the three of them

    “I’ll get the big guy. You can have the others,” the reaper told the Poochyena before jumping towards him, leaving Niko with the other two.

    The leader quickly sprinted forward and shot out a few razored leaves, forcing Niko to quickly dodge. As he made his escape from the leaves, a scream of agony escaped his lips as his shot arm started to lock up. Clutching it in pain, Niko decided a more offensive approach was necessary. Encasing his mouth in fiery flames, the Poochyena rushed forward and quickly sank his teeth in the leader’s flesh, which instantly set it ablaze. While the blond did scream in agony, he soon turned that scream into a bug buzz, forcing Niko the release and clutch his ears to stop the mind-wrecking noise. The Gothorita started to attack as well, using her ribbons to unleash a series of orbs; her Hidden Power. Niko quickly cut most of the orbs with his pistol knife, but some sneaked past and slammed into his body. He saw the leader pull out a small knife, rushing towards Niko with a murderous intent. Niko parried the blow with a spare chair and proceeded to try and stab the leaf thief.

    The two soon got locked in a dangerous knife fight, parrying each other’s blows and sending sparks everywhere. Niko was able to land a major cut in the Sewaddle’s abdomen, but also got a cut right below his eye in the process. The two continued this long, dangerous, and bloody game, countering each other with every move. They both lunged forward, locking their blades together and staring each other straight in the eye, the thief’s bug breath making Niko’s nostrils scream in paralyzing agony. The two stayed in that position for a while, trying to overpower the other, but to no avail. Niko could hear the sound of something burning, and felt an immense heat source near by, and looked over to see a massive fireball heading in his direction. The two of them jumped backwards, trying to not be consumed in the intense heat, but they were still singed. While the Sewaddle was recovering from a more serious singe, Niko aimed his gun at the boy and fired off a Dark Pulse, nailing the Sewaddle right in the stomach. The Poochyena quickly rushed in and slashed once more, but not where it could be fatal. Collapsing on a chair, Niko started to assess the situation.

    Alright, the restaurant is badly damaged, and there’s rubble and dust everywhere. Most of the people were able to escape, which is a good thing... I was able to take down the leader, and Asher’s fighting the other two. If only Cayenne were here... I’m not good with these kind of things. Niko, think, instincts were taking over then... They were telling me to kill him, but common sense kicked in... Hmm, if I can get rid of that Gothorita then maybe...

    Niko started to slowly get up, helped with the kind hand of pain. He slowly started to drag himself over to the fight, having to stop due to his adrenaline and feral instincts leaving him. He grabbed his gun and looked at the Gothorita, who was helping the Timburr from the sidelines. Very shakily, Niko fired a Dark Pulse, just hitting her by a small margin. She hit the ground, allowing Asher to quickly trip the Timburr and slam a tag onto his face. Niko approached the Timburr carefully and touched the tag, which had a single symbol of kanji on it. The Timburr was consumed by a fiery inferno, writhing in painful agony. The screams made Niko cup his ears, them piercing through his ears.

    “W-what was in that!?” Niko demanded, the screams still ravaging his ears.

    “Hmm, gunpowder, magic, souls, the usual stuff,” Asher gave a distant, lost-in-thought response.

    “The usual!? That had the power of a Fire Blast!” Niko yelled more in fear than anything else.

    “Well, yea.... I mean, as being part fire and part phantom, I can only manipulate heat in the air around me. Hence why I carry around those spell tags that activate on touch. It’s pretty simple; a reaper always has to be prepared,” the boy responded as if it was common knowledge, reverting his light-hearted, innocent voice. Niko gave Asher a confused look before tossing his thoughts aside.

    The Poochyena looked to see the three thieves all huddling together, heavily injured.

    “Just kill us. It would be satisfying to you, wouldn’t it?” Erik asked, disgusted.

    “What’s the point of killing... It never solves anything. I don’t like to fight or even hurt people... I only fought you to protect this place,” Niko glanced at the damage. “Even if it didn’t go that well. It’s not fair to hurt the weak, laws were created to keep order, justice. Justice.... No one cares about it any more... It’s disgusting.”

    “Then you’re a weakling, we’ll cross paths once again, idiot,” the thief leader spat before heading out the door with the rest of his badly damaged crew. Niko sighed and sat in a still stable chair with Asher taking a seat next to him. The two engaged in inane small talk, recovering from the heavy amount of energy used in the previous fight. Even if it was only a short fight, the ravages against both of them made the fight feel a lot longer than it is. The Poochyena skimmed the Red Dragon to see it a hollow shell of it’s former glory. Ruckage was everywhere, and the ceiling had collapsed in some areas. Besides that, the place mostly needed an upgrade.

    The boy got up quickly and decided to look for Fei, making sure he was okay. He could see the old Salamence sitting in his office, filing papers...

    “I see you’re finally done with that little skirmish,” the old man told Niko as soon as he closed the door behind.

    “Fei, I’m so-” Niko was about to go off into his apologetic streaks, only to be cut off by his older friend.

    “Niko, my boy, I’m not mad at you. You did well to prove you can survive, no matter how pacifistic you are. Keep your sense of justice. It will help you. Now then... the sake you brought in can pay for the repairs in itself, maybe even an upgrade as well. Niko, before you start berating yourself, you have to understand that this is how life works right now. No matter what happens, I’ll be here for you, and so will Cayenne. I mean, what can possibly go wrong?” Fei chuckled lightly before finishing his paperwork. His words provided Niko with a false sense of courage, even though he knew it was useless.

    The boy was about to respond, but then he heard the door open. He turned his head to see Asher come in, a hollow look on his face. He coughed for a bit and slammed the tip of his scythe on the ground. He looked to Fei, to Niko, and the back to Fei.

    “Excuse me, but your name is Fei, correct?” Asher asked the old Salamence and got a nod in return. “Alright then... You have someone here to talk to you,” Asher replied before moving aside. An armored man, with a large, demonic face on his armor came into room. There was something off about him, sort of like he wasn’t ethereal.

    “Fei, we have been informed you have committed treason. The punishment for treason is as everyone knows, death. We will executed you by guillotine immediately, ” the armored man boomed grimly, instantly killing what happiness that was in the room. Niko felt like the world just came crashing down, shattering into a million tiny pieces. Desperately, the Poochyena tried to call out to Fei, but found himself choking on the words. He couldn’t understand why Fei, of all people, would be executed. It felt like his body was shutting down. The milliseconds felt like hours, seconds an eternity. It just didn’t make sense. Not even Asher could try and comfort him a little, despite the boy’s motherly gestures. A soft melody played through his head as he watched his old friend get up solemnly. Each step Fei took made the melody more discorded, and when Fei reached armored man, it was completely out of tune. He looked back Niko and gave him a last few words.

    “Niko, I may be gone from now on, but you have grown. Now flee from here! Fight to survive! You must fulfill your destiny, and I have no regrets. Tell Cayenne I’m sorry and goodbye. Be strong, just like when Maria died. Be strong, Niko. Be strong.” The old Salamence then walked out the door with the armored man. Asher held Niko’s hand trying to reassure him things would be all right, even if his entire world was crashing down on him once more.


    I look sugary and sweet, but in reality I'm just hollow and rotten.
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