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Thread: Pokemon Mystery Dungion: The Nightmare Games (PG-13)

  1. #1
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    Default Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: The Nightmare Games (PG-13)

    This is a fanfic based on the crossover of the Hunger games and Pokemon Mystery dungeon aspects. This will be a darker setting then my current other fanfic, "Missingno the infection", which is why I set it as a PG-13 read. I never use foul language or that sort of thing, but it'll just the tone and atmosphere that will make it this way. So without further ado, here is the story's Prolog.
    __________________________________________________ ___________
    Prolog:


    Many years ago, the Pokemon world was thrown into chaos where Pokemon we're going evil and causing terrible destruction upon the world. Nobody seemed to know the cause of why Pokemon that seemed normal one day would turn violent and destructive the next. It was as if much of it happened overnight and only one Pokemon seemed to know what was happening. This Pokemon's name was Xerneas and he was known as the Protector of the Light. He suspected his enemy was the cause of all this and he knew they needed help.

    So, as he searched and searched for many months for this help, the turmoil had gotten worse. Most Forests were burned to the ground, much of the land was ravaged, destroyed and sunk into the sea. Towns set up by Pokemon we're even no more and food began to get scarce. However, Xerneas was not about to give until he found someone to save this world. He then realized he needed the help of someone outside the realm of Pokemon...a human from the parallel world.

    When he found a human that could help, he turned her into a Pokemon so she would fit in. This Human met with a partner that would save her life when she first arrives, they help each other stopping the chaos and fall in love. However...after, a few years after stopping this chaos, Xerneas's enemy, Yveltal, would come and ask them if they wanted true power. Unable to resist, they take it and like many before...their hearts become corrupted with a hunger and thirst for power. At this time, many pokemon look up to the human and her partner because of how they put many destructive Pokemon away and stopped the war.

    The human and her partner take advantage of this trust and decide they're going to head a grand Capital and 13 districts. Many Pokemon think it's a great idea to come together and rebuild their lives...however, little did they know that they we're heading down a dishonest path of no return. Many years after building the districts and setting up different districts for different items and different pokemon, there was some rules made. That pokemon we're not allowed to leave their districts unless they had to transport something to the capital and they weren't allowed to leave without permission from the "Peacekeepers". Ironically, many of these "Peacekeepers" we're the destructive Pokemon caught by the human and her partner.

    This intimidated many of the pokemon...but not the ones in District 13. After months of being fed up with the rules and entrapment, they attacked their Peacekeepers and went to attack the capital because they recognized the corruption. However, the Capital put a swift end to their rebellion and destroyed the district by burning it down to nothing and warned the others that their fate would be the same. While many Pokemon fled the district and avoided capture, a lot we're captured and tortured. It is even rumored that some had their souls melted away and now work as servants to the Capital.

    After that act, to keep the districts from rebelling ever again, it was decreed that 2 Pokemon from each district every year would fight in a contest to the death until only 1 victor stood. This contest became known as...the Nightmare Games.
    Last edited by Liz Azzimagica; 16th April 2013 at 8:22 PM. Reason: title blooper
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  2. #2
    Join Date
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    Default

    This is a fanfic based on the crossover of the Hunger games and Pokemon Mystery dungeon aspects. This will be a darker setting then my current other fanfic, "Missingno the infection", which is why I set it as a PG-13 read. I never use foul language or that sort of thing, but it'll just the tone and atmosphere that will make it this way. So without further ado, here is the story's Prolog.

    Ahem... Time for another review. Just a note, you spell prologue like so.

    __________________________________________________ ___________
    Prolog:


    Many years ago, the Pokemon world was thrown into chaos where Pokemon we're going evil and causing terrible destruction upon the world. Nobody seemed to know the cause of why Pokemon that seemed normal one day would turn violent and destructive the next. It was as if much of it happened overnight and only one Pokemon seemed to know what was happening. This Pokemon's name was Xerneas and he was known as the Protector of the Light. He suspected his enemy was the cause of all this and he knew they needed help.

    Okay, this is a bit unfortunate. You've just skimmed an area that could have tripled the length of your prologue. Which it needs a lot, as it is quite short. You should have made a whole scene of what happened and cutscenes starting to explain little bits and pieces... Yes, I understand that you're eager to write about the Nightmare Games, but do not ever rush it.

    So, as he searched and searched for many months for this help, the turmoil had gotten worse. Most Forests were burned to the ground, much of the land was ravaged, destroyed and sunk into the sea. Towns set up by Pokemon we're even no more and food began to get scarce. However, Xerneas was not about to give until he found someone to save this world. He then realized he needed the help of someone outside the realm of Pokemon...a human from the parallel world.

    Same as above, and watch that grammar. You are making quite a few mistakes.

    When he found a human that could help, he turned her into a Pokemon so she would fit in. This Human met with a partner that would save her life when she first arrives, they help each other stopping the chaos and fall in love. However...after, a few years after stopping this chaos, Xerneas's enemy, Yveltal, would come and ask them if they wanted true power. Unable to resist, they take it and like many before...their hearts become corrupted with a hunger and thirst for power. At this time, many pokemon look up to the human and her partner because of how they put many destructive Pokemon away and stopped the war.

    The human and her partner take advantage of this trust and decide they're going to head a grand Capital and 13 districts. Many Pokemon think it's a great idea to come together and rebuild their lives...however, little did they know that they we're heading down a dishonest path of no return. Many years after building the districts and setting up different districts for different items and different pokemon, there was some rules made. That pokemon we're not allowed to leave their districts unless they had to transport something to the capital and they weren't allowed to leave without permission from the "Peacekeepers". Ironically, many of these "Peacekeepers" we're the destructive Pokemon caught by the human and her partner.

    Same as what I've said... You could make this much longer. I notice that your were is becoming we're.

    This intimidated many of the pokemon...but not the ones in District 13. After months of being fed up with the rules and entrapment, they attacked their Peacekeepers and went to attack the capital because they recognized the corruption. However, the Capital put a swift end to their rebellion and destroyed the district by burning it down to nothing and warned the others that their fate would be the same. While many Pokemon fled the district and avoided capture, a lot we're captured and tortured. It is even rumored that some had their souls melted away and now work as servants to the Capital.

    Nothing else to say apart from that you need not exactly follow the story line... Vary it, make it fun, exciting, awesome!

    After that act, to keep the districts from rebelling ever again, it was decreed that 2 Pokemon from each district every year would fight in a contest to the death until only 1 victor stood. This contest became known as...the Nightmare Games.

    Yeah, yeah, yeah. Boring. Absolutely boring. You've got some creativity, but don't act like you have to write a tiny amount. Expand, build on your ideas, make each section of the story last. If people didn't do that, you could fit the Hunger Games trilogy into a pamphlet. And we all know how boring that'd be.
    Just as a footnote, I really hope you don't take this the Wong way, because I don't want to be harsh at all. I just want to help, and I am aware that I sound like I am better than everyone else, and that I'm perfect. Well, I know I'm not, so sorry if it sounds that way. Yeah, so keep on writing, and you'll become amazing.

    If you really want to become amazing, do this: Read. As much as you freaking can. It doesn't matter what, as long as it's a good book. DO NOT JUST READ FANFICS. FANFICS do not have to be published, so they always have errors. Professional writers, especially famous ones, have amazing styles of writing. Use this to learn how to write better.

    Oh yes, and you'll pick up some new words and learn how to spell some old words.

    Hope I helped,

    Shymain

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