Results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: A Walk in the Park

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Posts
    3

    Default A Walk in the Park

    I guess you could say this has "graphic" content. Leave some thoughts if you feel the need to. They will be appreciated!

    A Walk in the Park


    Blood.

    There's blood everywhere.

    She's covered in it.
    Where'd it come from?
    Who's is it?
    Is it hers?
    Is it mine?
    Yeah, I think its mine.

    Why?
    How?
    What happened?
    I think I got shot.
    I thought getting shot would hurt more than this.
    There's only a slight stinging sensation.

    The last thing I remember, I was walking down the path in the park off 7th street with Autumn. It was kinda awkward walking with my ex-girlfriend; not the most pleasant experience, but, unfortunately, it was necessary.
    We had walked about a mile without talking. It was really awkward. We reached the gazebo by the pond just as the sun was setting, which made it more awkward.
    We stopped outside the gazebo and I turned to tell her something. Then, all of a sudden, she's covered with my blood.
    She seems startled, but otherwise unfazed. I just got shot! Shouldn't she be scared? Why isn't she helping me?

    Blood!
    There's blood everywhere!
    My blood!
    IT'S MY BLOOD!

    I'm feeling weak.
    My vision is going dark.
    "Help me! Please..."
    Why is she just standing there?

    Blood,
    Mine,
    Everywhere.

    Nothing.
    Last edited by Squash_Monkey; 22nd May 2013 at 4:20 AM.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    New York City
    Posts
    4,257

    Default

    It was a nice read. Personally I enjoyed it due to the content of it. I think it could be expanded into something longer with some tweaks here or there.

    The first thing I would suggest is the use of punctuation. Even poems use punctuation at the end of each line. It gives the poem a type of beat rhythm and can tell the reader at what speed to read the story, the places to pause slightly, etc. Another critique of mine would be the spaces between each line. While consistent throughout, it gives the feel that each line is an individual stanza and that makes it feel a little disconnected. While I do realize this is a simple stream of thoughts type of deal, I think you could flesh out the situation a little better. If we had a little more information on the POV character and their ex-girlfriend, we could more easily feel sympathetic to their situation.

    Fighting for real American turtles everywhere. Pro-Turtle since 6/30/13

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Posts
    3

    Default

    I get what you're saying about expanding it. It was originally the thoughts of the character as he's dying. The lines were spaced the way they were to sort of simulate random thoughts, but if it would be easier to "get" it if I change it then i will.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    New York City
    Posts
    4,257

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Squash_Monkey View Post
    It was originally the thoughts of the character as he's dying.
    Yes, I got this part. I suppose that things like background would be a little more beneficial in an expansion rather than this situation though.

    The lines were spaced the way they were to sort of simulate random thoughts, but if it would be easier to "get" it if I change it then i will.
    Every type of stream of consciousness story I've read either comes in the "traditional" format or in a the form of a poem.

    But I'm legit interested in how the spacing would simulate that. Do you mind explaining for me?

    Fighting for real American turtles everywhere. Pro-Turtle since 6/30/13

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Posts
    3

    Default

    It might just be me, but i see the consistent spacing shows a flow of thoughts, and the space between lines would show that the thoughts are independent. i see stanzas as having a singular subject. to me, the space makes it easier to flow between ideas in a more natural way.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •