Results 1 to 12 of 12

Thread: Kingdom Hearts: Memories' Reflection

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    Riding on my Crimson Loftwing
    Posts
    1,489

    Default Kingdom Hearts: Memories' Reflection

    Rated: K+ -- T for potential violence


    Knowledge of the Kingdom Heart series is highly recommended, as this will take place after Dream Drop Distance, the newest game in the series. So...there will be spoilers. Just warning here XD

    This is also my first KH fanfiction so I hope you all enjoy it. So, before I go on rambling, on with the story--


    Chapter 1: A New Start

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    “The last thing I remember…What was it? I can’t quite recall…it's so dark-

    Your door is about to open

    Raine found herself engulfed in a black abyss; her eyes could see nothing but absolute darkness.

    “Huh? Who’s there? Who said that?”

    You can’t hesitate. You have a role to play

    “I don’t understand. What role? Why am I here?”

    You have every right to be afraid. Many before you have felt overwhelmed by over daunting tasks and so will many after you. You are here for a reason…

    Raine strained her ears as the voice seemed to grow inaudible.

    “No, I don’t understand! What are you trying to say? Who are you?!” Raine’s voice seemed to spew forth with nothing to catch it. Where in the world was she?

    There was another longer silence, during which another voice could be heard. It was still masked by the distance and lack of understanding, but there was a distinct difference. It was lighter, a woman perhaps? No, no not quite a woman, maybe a younger woman. A girl. Female. The voice was female. What was happening?

    There will be pain and suffering

    It was that voice again, audible and still spouting nonsense.

    Make no mistake of that. This is for the good of everyone. No matter what they may speak in the future, this is the right decision. It has to be. This choice will at least keep others safe for a little while longer

    For the love of this world, what did you do? What have you done?!

    The female’s voice sounded on the verge of tears and continued repeat herself as the feeling of long gripping appendages wrapped onto to Raine’s unseen arms. That was the first time she could actually understand what the female voice was saying.

    The female voice was heard again, but once more, it was clouded. The voice escalated, as if leading into a burning argument.

    It doesn’t matter!

    The voice was deep. It was most certainly a man’s voice. The one had been speaking earlier.

    The time has come. You must begin and…complete. Now it was the man’s voice that trembled. Correct what I could not.

    …And just what is that?


    It was then the speaker took note of the voices again. That last remark was made by the female voice! It was barely audible, but understandable! Meanwhile, the dark unseen appendages began to drag again, but Raine’s legs seemed to be glued to the ground.


    The pause dragged on, just as the sickly sliming appendages wrapped tighter and tighter. Would he speak? The reason to believe that the answer would somehow resolve the situation of these tightening tendrils was too much.


    Raine’s body began to stretch as the tendrils once tugging notions turned into yanking and jerking. Pain ripped into the sinews of her shoulders. The burning rooted itself deeper as the pain gnawed and tore through the muscle before sinking through to the bone.

    “No more, please, no more!” She shouted with sorrow twisting the words with agony. “Let me go!!” The screams began to pierce the otherwise dead silence.


    “Don’t leave me here! Somebody help me!” The latter was more of a cry through anger than one of pain, but the anger quickly evaporated and was replaced with pain. She could feel tears rolling down her cheeks before they tumbled down into the endless black abyss around her. Soon after that, her body convulsed with each gasp of agony that accompanied the monster wrestling to rip her arms out of her sockets.

    “Please!!” She screamed.

    My heart’s folly

    An almost unbearably bright light spread within seconds. Raine could hear screams behind her and pulled her hands, which had now been released by the creature, to her eyes. A blast of a warm fresh air came roaring up from the ground and tossing her once elegant brown hair upwards. She opened her eyes, startled by this stark change in mood before looking down.

    There were bright shaded facets of glass beneath her tennis shoes and they multiplied as the color, and the light it was coming from, shot out like a sonic wave. It was then that the most startling event yet occurred. Doves. These dark shards, which were being chased away by the light, turned into snow-white doves. Only their delicate wings flapping in the air could be heard as she watched them soar out into the darkness, leaving her to stand on a circular stained glass floor.

    She studied the glass and could see a young woman, perhaps someone in their mid to late teens? The stained glass produced a picture of this teen. The eyes were closed so she couldn’t see the color, but the clothes were something different.

    A plain black T-shirt could be seen along with a grayish vest that cut off after the shoulders. A single chained necklace was visible against the black shirt. The chain was holding a heart shaped mirror of sorts. The mirror seemed hazy, but still bore a reflective surface. There wasn’t much more to say, other than the pants were a jean blue, but appeared to be a more comfortable material. They looked as if they were easier to move in, as if they were a bit looser around the pant legs. The last detail she noticed were the sky blue ribbons wrapped around the girl’s arms in a diamond weave fashion before the leftover pieces hung by her hands.

    She spoke before catching herself. “Who are you?” Her voice was groggy, like a teen waking early to go to school.

    It begins

    The voice was female again, the same from before, but much clearer. Suddenly Raine looked down at the stained glass surface and back up to the space around the platform: all black, but not as intimidating as before. She looked around before realizing what had caught her attention.

    “Was that my voice?” she looked down again at the mural. “Is that supposed to be me?”

    Another bright light emerged from below her, but this time it didn’t blind her. It backlit the stained glass picture, giving it an otherworldly glow as light shards phased through the glass. The light continued in its brightness and only increased from there until the girl began to smile in the tingling warm glow. The feeling was strange in the way that she could only describe it as someone she trusted, maybe even a loved one, giving her a warm embrace. She would probably never want to admit to that as it sounded so weird, but that’s what it felt like- a reassuring hug from a loved one. This warm embraced wrapped around her in a comforting and gentle manner; more so than the dark tentacles that had yanked and attempted to contort her body. Instead these light tendrils seemed to dance across her skin and clean it of any abnormalities. It was like a lathering soap and it continued to ‘hug’ her in its grasp.

    Just as Raine began to forget her previous anxiety, her feet lifted off the ground. She levitated for a brief second before everything was engulfed in white, then black again. The only difference was that, this time, she had closed her eyes. Not like the previous darkness, but it still covered her again. It didn’t last for very long, however. The dark veil pulled apart like twin curtains as she blinked them away.

    Opening her eyes, she could see swirling expanses of, seemingly, blue fire. Raine lazily looked around, her mind weary from the previous events, as the warmth rushed over her. It was then that a collision threw her out of the expansive comfort and warmth and into one of an icy chill.

    Raine’s body continued its lethargic behavior until she realized she was in water.

    Oh no, can’t breathe! Her thoughts stumbled into this new reality before her head broke the surface and allowed life saving oxygen to enter her lungs.

    Raine could now see she was in a deep fountain with gold colored foot walls. She swam over to the small boundary wall and flopped her upper half onto it.

    “Blech,” she spat out the water that remained within her mouth and took a deep breath. “Wow, that’s cold,” she allowed her long hair, now saturated by water, to stick to the back of her neck.

    She lifted her head and observed a decently sized shopping district around her. The district was adorned with several gardens and shops, obviously, along with posters proclaiming upcoming sales. It was a beautiful contrast of color against the bluish-gray stone walls.

    “What is this place?” her body shuddered again. “Ugh…” She spat the fountain residue from her mouth again.

    “It landed over here!” Raine picked up her head to see a small group of people make their way up some stairs to come to the elevated district. There were three, no, four of them; a bearded man cloaked in blue with matching pointed hat came over the stairs as well.

    “Go ahead, I’m coming,” he waved off the other three young adults. “Not as young as I used to be,” he gave a cheap chuckle.

    Raine thought little of them as she pulled up her left leg from the water, then her right leg, before setting herself and sitting right up against the small wall of the fountain.

    Raine let her chin rest on her collarbone before taking note of her soaked sweater and kakis. She heaved out a sigh of exertion as soreness racked her body.

    “Well, at least I’m in one piece,” Raine laughed feebly at her own joke.

    “Hey, you all right?” a deeper voice caught her attention. It was a man in his mid to late twenties with slightly tussled brown hair. The eye catcher to Raine was a scar that extended from above his right eyebrow to below his left eye. Those cerulean blue colored eyes.

    With this man were two girls. They seemed younger than him, but not by much. One was shorter with short black hair to match, while the other was tall with long braided locks of brown. Raine was so caught up in seeing who they were that she almost forgot that the man was asking her a question.

    “Oh, yeah,” she shook her head, as if that would clear the fog in her brain. “Yeah, I’m ok.”

    “Wow, that was soooommme fall.” The shorter girl said impressed.

    “Yuffie,” the other girl motioned for her to stop.

    “What?” The apparent Yuffie retorted. “It was! You know it had to be her.”

    “I fell?” Raine lifted her head groggily again, “That’s weird; I don’t remember that part…”

    “We can talk about this later.” The man extended a hand down to her. “My name’s Leon, welcome to Radiant Garden.”

    “Radiant Garden, huh?” Raine bit her lip. “Sounds like a good start.” She tried to smile as she placed her hand in Leon’s.

    Her mind pulled back from reality again, but this time, it would seem a funnel of wind was coming at her. She braced herself for impact, but was astonished when actual pictures of different places and people flew by her.

    She could see all of them and…feel all of them? Her emotions became twisted and shaken as a sudden rush of excitement, pain, anger, grief, and satisfaction came all rushing through her at once.

    The sudden jolt of all these must’ve cause Raine to jump a little, since the next thing she actually saw was Leon himself. She saw that her hand was no longer in Leon’s hand, but she didn’t seem to recall pulling it back from his grasp.

    Uh, that was weird, Raine’s thoughts puzzled.

    “You coming or what?” Leon’s voice sounded a tad uncaring, but Raine shrugged it off and hesitated before clutching his hand.

    No ‘vision’ things this time. He simply pulled her up to her feet just as the older blue cloaked man arrived.

    “My my,” Raine took note of a slight accent; she couldn’t quite pinpoint what it sounded like. It wasn’t English….maybe a tad of Scottish? Raine put her thoughts aside. “Looks like we’ve found our shooting star, now haven’t we?”

    ----------------------

    EDIT: Forgot to include the last part in from last night DX that's a great start lol Anyway, if you got to this point then Congratulations! You made it through the first chapter. I hope ya'll liked it and if you had some time, I would love some feedback on this as well. Anything that could've been, corrected, better executed, suggestions, or if I did it right this time around XD lol

    Hope to see you all again soon!
    Last edited by Cometstarlight; 1st August 2013 at 11:14 PM. Reason: Ugh, Why do Italics and all that jazz not carry over? XD
    † I am a Christian and proud of it! Copy and paste this if you are too.†


    Credit goes to FairyWitch at Flower Paradise Graphics

    Fanfic Status: Currently postponed-- Kingdom Hearts: Memories' Reflection. Last updated 8/17/13

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    New York City
    Posts
    4,224

    Default

    Chapter 01

    I have some pretty good knowledge on Kingdom Hearts-verse and general knowledge of 3D so I’m thinking that I should be able to do fine on this one.

    “The last thing I remember…What was it? I can’t quite recall…its so dark-
    Missed the second quotation mark. Also, “it’s.”

    The voice began to fade away before it came back again.
    There really isn’t much use for this line considering nothing happens during the period it fades in and out.

    inaudible fuzziness
    This is saying something incoherent that you can’t hear. It doesn’t make too much sense that way.

    The female’s voice sounded on the verge of tears and continued to say this repeatedly
    Make this simpler and simply say she was repeating herself. Putting “saying repeatedly” is redundant since “repeat” implies she’s doing the same action.

    The time has come. You must begin and…complete.

    Now it was the man’s voice that trembled.

    Correct what I could not.
    You don’t really need to separate these into different lines in my opinion. It would make it clear enough if you just kept this on one line and it would eliminate the next line where you clarify who exactly is speaking for the reader.

    I won’t quote this but a little bit down you start using ellipses to show that no one is speaking. I think you should avoid doing that use that space to tell more about the scene at hand.

    She could feel tears rolling down her cheeks before they, presumably, tumbled down into the endless black abyss around her.
    I suggest that you remove “presumably.” It breaks the flow of the story. Another example would be “the district was adorned with several gardens and shops, obviously.”

    I thought it was well written for the most part. You went from scene to scene pretty quickly thought it wasn’t that bad in my opinion but you would do well to slow it down a bit. There were small errors here and there but it wasn’t much to detract from your story for the most part. My compliments section is always so much smaller. Good job.

    btw his name is squall, leon doesn’t exist

    Fighting for real American turtles everywhere. Pro-Turtle since 6/30/13

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    Riding on my Crimson Loftwing
    Posts
    1,489

    Default

    Thank you for pointing those out, I'll fix them right away!

    The next chapter will be coming out soon; life has been all over the place with preparation for graduation coming up and all that jazz.

    Quote Originally Posted by Vern View Post
    Chapter 01

    I thought it was well written for the most part. You went from scene to scene pretty quickly thought it wasn’t that bad in my opinion but you would do well to slow it down a bit. There were small errors here and there but it wasn’t much to detract from your story for the most part. My compliments section is always so much smaller. Good job.
    I completely understand. I've been trying to find the perfect balance between detailed paragraphs and more quickly paced ones. In the past, I think I spent too much time painting a scene and not painting the character, as it were. This does not change, however, that you are correct in pointing that out and I hope to improve as a writer : )

    Thanks again for the constructive feedback and, as previously stated, I should have the next chapter up very soon!
    Last edited by Cometstarlight; 28th May 2013 at 6:25 PM.
    † I am a Christian and proud of it! Copy and paste this if you are too.†


    Credit goes to FairyWitch at Flower Paradise Graphics

    Fanfic Status: Currently postponed-- Kingdom Hearts: Memories' Reflection. Last updated 8/17/13

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    Memories' Skyscraper
    Posts
    324

    Default

    This. is. intense.

    Hopefully you get up more of this because IT'S AMAZING!!!


    Dammit, I've been practically dead. Too busy fighting demons and shadows.......* points evoker at head*....... back to work...* fires*



    † I am a Christian and proud of it! Copy and paste this if you are too.†

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    Riding on my Crimson Loftwing
    Posts
    1,489

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Jacobthepokemonfreak View Post
    This. is. intense.

    Hopefully you get up more of this because IT'S AMAZING!!!
    Thanks so much! I am trying to continue and it's coming along nicely, I would like to think.

    The truth is, the main computer that I type all of this on contracted some sort of virus or malware or some other crap. This disables all access to the internet apparently, and we're working on getting it fixed.

    The good news is I recently got a laptop, my own personal little computer now : ), so now I can continue to type on there. Hopefully, I can get back to typing on that soon. That's near top priority on the list right now.

    One last thing to say is that I do plan to visit numerous worlds in this story, so if you like that, you can look forward to that XD lol

    Thanks again, I hope to post another chapter soon!
    † I am a Christian and proud of it! Copy and paste this if you are too.†


    Credit goes to FairyWitch at Flower Paradise Graphics

    Fanfic Status: Currently postponed-- Kingdom Hearts: Memories' Reflection. Last updated 8/17/13

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    Riding on my Crimson Loftwing
    Posts
    1,489

    Default

    Oh. My. Gosh. Finally!! Took me forever to finally get everything together. Anyway, here's chapter 2!



    Chapter 2: Restless Nights

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Sora remained motionless as the cocoon of light around him began to dissipate into the hazy night fog. The warmth that the light had adorned his skin faded into nonexistence. He gripped the Star Shard in response.

    His demeanor remained one of calm and professionalism as he observed the world around him. Fallen buildings, distorted areas of space, and the low lighting seemed to further beat into his head now that he was in The World That Never Was.

    Previous memories seemed to creep along the ground before climbing onto to him and barring their claws. The pain, the confusion, and most certainly, the loss lingered even after this world’s near destruction six months ago.

    “Six months.” Sora mused out loud, “it definitely hasn’t done this world any favors.” He folded his arms behind his head and stepped quietly into the fog.

    Crumbled dilapidated buildings, that were still standing, gave the impression of a war zone, and that wasn’t far from the truth. The buildings that didn’t survive littered the streets with their rubble and only added to the melancholy that hung in the air.

    Sora stepped and hopped over each piece of debris with little care; his footsteps echoed ominously through the otherwise deathly silent world. Why would the Star Shard bring him here? Was there something that he or the others had missed on their previous endeavors?

    The fog became thicker and thicker as he moved on, but Sora was not deterred. He was here for a reason; he might as well get it over and done with now.

    He was close now. The tower, no, the skyscraper still reached for the place known as Kingdom Hearts. The only problem was that there was no longer a Kingdom for this building to strive for. There was no longer a golden milestone that made testament to the group who had so eagerly gone to all ends to build it. The skyscraper now stretched in vain. How ironic that this was one of the only few buildings left standing in this place.

    The fog parted around the square that said building inhabited. This had to be place the Shard had sent him to investigate.

    “All right. So…” Sora looked around, “Where’s the trouble?”

    No sooner than those words proceeding from his mouth did it start.
    A high pitched shriek called Sora into action as he summoned his keyblade to deflect the plasma bullet that split the air.

    The shot spun out of existence before the keyblade wielder poised himself for another conflict.

    “Where are you, Xigbar?” He growled, weapon in hand.

    “Aww, did you miss me that much?” The voice couldn’t be pinpointed, it was too ambiguously thrown around.

    Another chorus of shots fired from various directions as Sora stopped and deflected each one with precision and ease.

    “Show yourself you coward.” He didn’t raise his voice, though it was riled with irritation.

    “You don’t hate me, do you?” Xigbar’s shadow could be seen in the veil of fog before he voluntarily emerged from the cover. His condescending tone only aggravated Sora more. “Tch, it’s about time.” He walked on the border of fog and clearance as Sora matched his movements.

    “You’ve been a pansy for so long that I never thought the day would come!” The satire dripped from his lips.

    “Cut to the chase, Xigbar.” Sora bent his knees, ready to fight. “I’m not in the mood.”

    “Xigbar? As if!” He brought his pistol-esque weapons to his side. “The name’s Braig now. Is that so hard to remember?”

    So he was complete again.

    “Just came to finish what we started, kiddo.” Braig’s weapons vanished as other coated figures emerged from the fogbound city. There were four, then seven, then twelve altogether. They all stood on the ring that bordered the cover of fog.

    Sora’s countenance of determination and agitation suddenly turned cold to futility. He could fight all of them, but the odds of him winning were slim to none. Luckily, he’s beaten those odds before.

    His chance to prove himself came as the first coated member charged him. He or she had the hood up so he couldn’t know who it was.

    “Ragh!” Sora charged forward to meet the opponent half way. He aimed for the legs and just narrowly missed them as the coated individual did a front hand spring off of Sora. Dark aura shot out from the stranger’s hands and the hero swung his keyblade to deflect them.

    His attention held, the other members began to attack in held formations. Keeping their circular pattern to hold in their prey before launching the final strike.

    Sora ducked and rolled through hand strikes as the confrontation heated up. He watched as several members began to bring out their prime weapons of choice. Several differentiated copies of Xemnas’ weapon, the Ethereal Blades, began to phase into the enemies’ hands while a unique few held legitimate keyblades.

    Weapons began to clash as Sora struggled to keep up with each hack and maneuver that was thrown at him. His pacing became induced with anxiety and his technique quickly deteriorated as no relief came from the endless onslaught.

    “Is this what you call a fair fight?” Sora managed to get out before a claymore swung down to meet him. He braced for impact while using his keyblade as a shield. The smack sent his shoulders reeling with the increased weight behind the attack.

    “Fair?” Braig retorted while keeping an idle position, “Is the little keyblade wielder getting tired?”

    Teeth gritted and jaw tightened, the wielder pushed back the attack with every ounce of strength he possessed until the weight shifted off of him.

    “I have to get out of here.” Sora panted. “These guys are crazy.”
    Braig’s laugh prevailed through the fight long enough for Sora to gaze that way. Braig now had his hood up like the rest of them.

    “You don’t understand, do you?” The hooded mass of figures moved in closer. Their weapons drawn, but not aimed for attack.

    “I sure do.” Sora dug through his pocket to grasp the oddly shaped item in his pocket. The Star Shard brought him here and it can take him away. “You’re all insane. Allowing your bodies to become copies of Xehanort and trying to start another Keyblade War…Do you have any idea what could happen?”

    “Does it matter?” Braig crossed his arms. “Besides, we’re not just a part of him-" He took his left hand and jerked off his dark veil of a hood. Sora recoiled in horror at the sight that was beheld in front of him.

    “We’re a part of you.” Braig’s haunting voice permeated as Sora saw his own face. Braig’s face resembled Sora’s exactly. “All of us, Sora.”

    Sora craned his neck as he whipped around to each member. Their hoods falling from their faces only to wield the same results. The Ethereal Blade users: Sora’s face. The Keyblade users: Sora’s face. The claymore that belonged to Isa, even his face resembled Sora’s except for his stoic expression that was still worn even on his now youthful face.

    His grip loosened on the Star Shard and it eventually dropped from his hand. Everything seemed to slow and his own grip of the situation also loosed until a blow to the back of his neck pushed him face first into the ground.

    Sora’s cheek pressed into the uneven pavement before being jerked over onto his back, coming face to face with himself. He readied his fist in retaliation, but was stopped by a choke hold on his throat. The vice grip tightened as Sora looked into the malice filled eyes of his enemy.

    Then something else happened. The eyes lost their blue sheen and turned into a nauseating yellow. Sora watched as his own face seemed to burn away in black flames. The attacker’s coat also burned away, leaving a less familiar set of clothing in its place.

    He now stared into the face of Master Xehanort, the sole perpetrator in everything that’s happened. The worlds’ descent into darkness, the formation of both Organization XIIIs, and ruin of so many lives that happen to be in the way. That man’s eyes now permeated into his soul.

    He leaned down towards the fear stricken teen.

    “Time’s up.” He whispered in the tone that only he could have before smiling maliciously and crushing Sora’s throat.

    His eyes opened in a flash as he shot up in bed and smacked it on the ceiling above.

    “Agh!” Sora held his forehead as he heaved in massive amounts of air.

    What? Sora’s thoughts raced as did his heart. A dream? It was only a dream?

    Indeed it was only a dream. Sora awoke on one of the two bunk beds that sat on both sides of the room. He had taken the top bunk the night before and now he was regretting it.

    “Oh man,” he sighed in relief before he wiped his sweat dotted brow with his thumb. “I thought for sure—

    A sudden creak caught his attention as the door to the room came open. Trace amounts of light permeated through oddly shaped entry way. Sora didn’t know why Master Yen Sid couldn’t keep things a bit more normal in the mystical tower.

    The light trails evaporated as a figure walked through and closed the door. The figure noticed the movements on the top bunk.

    “Oh, sorry man, didn't mean to wake you up.” Riku said groggily as he scratched his head before pausing, “You smacked the ceiling again, didn’t you?”

    “We’re inside a dimension altering tower that is headed by a wizard. You’d think he’d make the ceilings taller in here.” Sora rubbed his sore head.

    “That’s how it goes.” Riku yawned. “You should get back to bed though.”

    “I know,” Sora rolled over face first into his pillow. “Kairi and Lea’s mid-mark exam is tomorrow.”

    “You don’t want to miss that, do you?” Riku chuckled. “Kairi would be pretty disappointed…”

    Sora was glad that he was suffocating in his pillow; that way his friend wouldn’t see him blushing. Kairi...

    “I’ll be there.”

    Riku climbed back into his own bed before responding, “You all right up there?”

    “Nightmare.” Sora answered back in a dead pan tone.

    “You wanna talk about it?”

    Sora remembered the black flames that melted away to Xehanort’s malice filled eyes and shuddered.

    “I’m good.”

    Riku shrugged, “If you say so. ‘Night.” He rolled over and brought the cover over his head.

    “Yeah.” Sora stared at the ceiling.

    It was only a dream, right? He exhaled through his nose. Then why am I feeling so on edge? He tried to shrug off his thoughts as he closed his eyes to greet the coming dawn and the events that would come with it.

    ______


    Thank you so much for reading! Any constructive criticism, comments, etc. is always welcome!
    So thanks again so much, I hope you enjoyed it.
    Last edited by Cometstarlight; 9th August 2013 at 3:54 AM.
    † I am a Christian and proud of it! Copy and paste this if you are too.†


    Credit goes to FairyWitch at Flower Paradise Graphics

    Fanfic Status: Currently postponed-- Kingdom Hearts: Memories' Reflection. Last updated 8/17/13

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    New York City
    Posts
    4,224

    Default

    Got it to you early. I totes didn't want to delay this when I finally got the chance to do it.

    Chapter 02

    low lighting seemed further beat into his head that he was in The World That Never Was.
    “His head now that he was . . .”

    “Six months.” Sora mused out loud, “It definitely hasn’t done this world any favors.”
    When you start the second part quotation, it should be lowercase. So it would be something like “loud, ‘it definitely.’”

    Close to the center of the once large but dead city
    I don’t believe you need to add “but dead city” here. You’ve already established the fact that it’s a dead city will all of the rubble and silence. Multiple times I might add. I’d suggest getting rid of that part and merging this sentence and the previous sentence.

    “We’re a part of you.” Braig’s haunting voice permeated as Sora saw his own face. Braig’s face resembled Sora’s exactly. “All of us, Sora.”
    omg that’s so creepy. I actually imagined that and got freaked out.

    A dream? It was only a dream?

    Indeed it was only a dream.
    This may just be a personal qualm of mine I’d rather you just show us it was all a dream rather than telling us that it indeed was a dream.

    I liked the chapter overall. It was a good set-up for the coming events in my opinion. I’m definitely going to have to reread chapter one though since it’s been a while but no complaints from me so far

    Fighting for real American turtles everywhere. Pro-Turtle since 6/30/13

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    Riding on my Crimson Loftwing
    Posts
    1,489

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Vernikova View Post
    Got it to you early. I totes didn't want to delay this when I finally got the chance to do it.

    Chapter 02



    “His head now that he was . . .”



    When you start the second part quotation, it should be lowercase. So it would be something like “loud, ‘it definitely.’”



    I don’t believe you need to add “but dead city” here. You’ve already established the fact that it’s a dead city will all of the rubble and silence. Multiple times I might add. I’d suggest getting rid of that part and merging this sentence and the previous sentence.



    omg that’s so creepy. I actually imagined that and got freaked out.



    This may just be a personal qualm of mine I’d rather you just show us it was all a dream rather than telling us that it indeed was a dream.

    I liked the chapter overall. It was a good set-up for the coming events in my opinion. I’m definitely going to have to reread chapter one though since it’s been a while but no complaints from me so far
    Fixed! Thanks for the help and I'm glad you like it so far. I still can't believe it took me so long to get this one out there. I'm going to try and do better on that, but since my first year of college is quickly approaching, I may have some trouble. Somehow or someway I always find some free time, though, so I'll keep this updated ; D
    † I am a Christian and proud of it! Copy and paste this if you are too.†


    Credit goes to FairyWitch at Flower Paradise Graphics

    Fanfic Status: Currently postponed-- Kingdom Hearts: Memories' Reflection. Last updated 8/17/13

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    Memories' Skyscraper
    Posts
    324

    Default

    My thoughts (I'm terrible at organization and click on the last hyperlink first if you click on any.):

    The idea of the organization entirely with sora's face was creepy. Memories of the Xion Attacks cutscene from 358/2 days come to mind and it's really unnerving.

    There is some greatly used mood whiplash with Sora smacking his head on the ceiling.

    If I said the last chapter was intense, well, you just took it up to eleven with the dream sequence.

    I will probably make hyperlinks to tv tropes when I make a reference to it so, yeah.


    Dammit, I've been practically dead. Too busy fighting demons and shadows.......* points evoker at head*....... back to work...* fires*



    † I am a Christian and proud of it! Copy and paste this if you are too.†

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    Riding on my Crimson Loftwing
    Posts
    1,489

    Default

    Yay! I managed to get another chapter up before college starts XD I made it long b/c it may be a while before I post again

    Chapter 3: The Reflection
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    Raine’s muscles twitched as she regained feeling in her fingers. The digits curled towards her hand instinctively as light permeated into her eyes.
    Her eyelashes fluttered as she waited for the light to darken into shapes and colors, but they never did. The room remained a solid eye cringing white.

    Pushing herself up from the floor, Raine casually observed the room that she was confined in. Everything from the floor to the ceiling was white. As far as she could tell, all of the surfaces were as smooth as marble, although they did not share the reflective surface. The corners were almost nonexistent since they all seemed to mesh together in the all-encompassing white.

    A still silence kept a grip on the room as Raine approached one of the ‘walls’ with one arm extended. She did not know how far the extensions of her nursery prevailed, but she certainly did not want to run into it face first. Sooner than expected, her hand met the cool and pure surface of the wall. It would seem that the boundaries of the confines were not as infinite as they appeared.

    One down, she thought, three to go.

    Raine pushed both hands to the wall as she attempted to get a feel of her surroundings. She pressed until she found a corner and then began to move along the adjoining barrier until she came to another corner. The process repeated until she felt as if she had surveyed the entire premise. The room was in the shape of a perfect square, well, at least that is what she surmised. With this in mind, she figured that each wall was somewhere between ten and fifteen feet long.

    Even as she felt around the spotless cube, she never felt the urgency to look for an exit. Fear did not permeate through her as it had before. Instead she felt calm and almost…relaxed.

    The mesmerizing pure stillness in the space sat well with her as she readied herself to sit down on the floor. The teen was mildly surprised when she landed sooner than expected on a chair. Despite all of her effort, however, she could not come to contemplate how it got there.

    The room’s dizzying spell continued to fall over her before she tried to think of how long she has been in this room.

    Have I always been in this room? Her slow methodical process of recollection only built up more questions. If I haven’t always been here; where was I prior?

    A hazy face came to mind and, slowly but surely, she managed to remove the fog.

    Leon? Is that his name?

    The bubble burst and so did the spell as a more alert Raine shot up from the chair. She kept her hands at the ready as she surveyed the room again with intensified scrutiny.

    Looking down she could see the petite wooden chair that had supported her ponderings. Its basic coat of white gave off a modest appearance.

    This isn’t right, she thought as her mind continued to be sharpened by awareness, I know that wasn’t there before. What is this place doing to me?
    Where am I?


    With that interrogative thought, she turned abruptly to her right to see that one of the four walls had become a mirror in and of itself.

    “What?”

    Hesitation loomed as Raine inched closer to the newly arrived addition to the white room. The reflection of a teen with silky smooth brown hair and crisp green eyes looked back at her. Her skin was a fair color that made her stand out against the stark and plain background. A brown sweater lightly hugged her skin as a pair of khakis did the same.

    Raine continued to approach the mirror. The girl was very pretty, beautiful some might say, but something seemed off. This was a mirror so the reflection had to be her. The confused girl looked over herself while looking back to the reflective surface for reference.

    She flashed the back of her hand to the mirror and her double did the same. While she had fair and clean skin, the mirrored double’s skin seemed to be radiant and lively. Raine pulled back her sleeves and gazed at the purple splotches that were, no doubt, left by the creature she had encountered in the darkness. The splotches were ugly in comparison to the duplicates delicate texture.

    Raine almost did a double take. She turned her arm over in the mirror and could see again that the sickly purple spots were not on the double’s arms. She quickly pulled several pieces of hair in front of her and could see that, while they were brown, some of the ends were split and in need of a trim.
    She took on step back from the false reflection, “You’re not me.”

    The shock continued as the double mimicked her movement, but then leaned forward and placed her hands on her knees.

    “Yes, I am.” She smiled in a friendly manner.

    Raine gasped but never broke eye contact with the apparently friendly doppelganger.

    “What’s wrong?” The girl tilted her head. “Are you ok?” Her voice was genuine as her face turned to concern.

    “Um…sort of.” Raine reached toward the mirror’s surface. She might as well try to ask while she could. “Do you know where I am?”

    “We’re in a safe place.” The girl straightened up and smiled briefly.

    “That doesn’t really answer my question.”

    “Of course it does,” the copy walked down the length of the mirror, only adding to the strange situation. “We’re in a safe place.” She repeated.

    “Well, how do I get out?” The original asked bluntly.

    “What?” The girl’s eye’s welled up. “You want to leave?”

    Raine wasn’t prepared for a sudden mood shift like the one her copy was experiencing.

    “Do you not like me, you, I guess I should say?” The poor reflection hung her head while folding her hands behind her back, her voice defeated.

    “Me?” She murmured. “No, no, don’t cry, please?” She felt the urge to soothe the disruption of emotions. “It’s not you, er, me,” confusion wrapped her brain in its sticky hold, “I’m just confused is all.”

    Raine reached to console her only to be stopped by the mirror’s surface. She had been so enticed by this reflection that she had thought it was another person!

    Regardless, the girl tenderly wiped her reddening eyes and sniffed.
    “I’m sorry,” she shifted her eyes up to Raine, “There are never any visitors and I get so lonely in here.” She sniffed again before wiping her nose. “There are only troubling things in here to keep me company.”

    Troubling things?

    Raine peered past the girl to see the room had changed. Only fog blanketed the backdrop behind her.

    “Let me through.” Raine pressed her hand against the glass. “Let me help-

    “NO!” The copy gasped before pressing her hands on the mirror in response. “Don’t do that!”

    Raine pulled her hands back in fear of doing something wrong.

    “You can’t ever do that!” She pleaded. “The glass keeps us safe. It keeps you safe.”

    Why was she constantly changing the pronouns? Us, you, me? What is this?

    Finally, Raine thought of something else to soothe the torn up other.

    “Well, do I have to stay here forever?” The word forever almost caught in her throat.

    “Well, I guess not.” The double kicked the ground like a kid kicking up dirt. “You can always come back here if you need some peace.”

    Freedom? I can leave?!

    “You will come back, won’t you?” The girl’s puffy red eyes were accompanied by her runny nose. She looked desperate for companionship. It was almost pathetic, but she didn’t want to think such harsh things.

    Kindly decline. It’ll be ok. Just say, no.

    The double’s eyes poured into Raine’s before replying, “Yes, I will.” She gave a sad smile.

    “Promise?”

    Really?

    Raine relinquished a sigh of defeat before smiling again.

    “I promise.”

    The double gave, in turn, an excited gasp before clasping her hands together in affirmation. Raine, while feeling happy for granting the girl some stability, was feeling a little tired from the emotional rollercoaster this girl had provided.

    “So, how do I get out of here?” Raine asked again.

    “Oh!” The girl beamed, “Oh yeah, it’s really simple, actually.” She pointed to her originator. “You just-

    Raine suddenly found herself lying on her back in a significantly darker room than the one she was talking to…herself in? Regardless, her arms ached with all of the tension and stress they had experienced prior to the white room and her head wasn’t doing so hot either.

    Her consciousness swirled in a wash cycle of sorts and created nausea as she sat up. Raine’s stomach seemed restless as she leaned towards the nearest object. In this case, it was the stone cold wall just to her left. She kept one hand on her stomach and the other on her pounding head as she let the wall support her.

    “I think I’m gonna be sick,” she quietly moaned while trying to keep a lid on anything else that decided to go haywire in her body.

    “Kid’s awake.” A gruff voice broke through everything that seemed to be breaking down inside her. “Ugh, and bring her a bucket while you’re over there.”

    “I’m on it, Cid!” The holder of the cheery voice’s footsteps could be heard approaching quickly before grasping the back of Raine’s sweater. She jerked her away from the wall, upsetting the nausea even more and rattling her brain around like a peanut in its shell.

    She couldn’t hold it anymore; her shoulder’s lurched forward as she proceeded to lose any and all of her stomach contents.

    “There we go!” She could hear Yuffie’s voice again, far too cheery for Raine’s current state. “Got the bucket just in time!”

    The sickly teen opened her eyes and could see a rapidly aging bucket in front of her as Yuffie held her by the nape of her sweater. Raine reached out and snatched the bucket from her before finishing her use with it. Once she was done, Yuffie hurried off with the bucket and released the grip on her sweater. Raine toppled over the edge of the bed she had been put in and laid crumpled on the floor.

    “Ow,” she held her head with both hands. If her brain wasn’t scrabbled enough, it was now. She tried to get a grip on her pain as she looked around the room. When she had fallen off the bed, she had apparently knocked over a large stack of books that had been set beside it. Books covered the area around her, their covers worn with age as Raine pushed one aside.

    “Yuffie…” She looked up to see the man, Leon, from earlier getting up from his seat; his palm rested over his face. “Hold on there, kid,” he slid his shoulder under her right armpit and grasped her other arm before helping her sit on the bed she had fallen out of.

    “Thanks.” Raine put her head in her hands while placing her elbows on her knees.

    “Yeah,” Leon quickly moved on to his next task without much indication of where he was going. “Hey, Merlin, Aerith, she’s awake.” He called in a moderately loud voice before Raine could hear another door open.

    Raine didn’t bother to pay attention to the noises for a while after that. She merely focused on keeping her head together as time went on. She felt as if she was going to be sick again before the urge suddenly vanished and her aches in her arms were gone as well.

    “There we go.” The kindly woman, Aerith, stood in front of her.

    “Ah, that always does the trick!” Raine noticed that everyone from before was around the side of the bed facing her. “Your Curaga has improved vastly, my dear.” The strange accent from before came from the old man that had come down to the fountain.

    “Thank you, Merlin.” Aerith bowed her head briefly before backing off to give Raine her space.

    “Now then,” Merlin placed a hand on her shoulder, “How are you feeling?”
    Raine inhaled deeply before responding. Everything seemed to be in working order again. The headache was gone, the nausea had dissipated, and the bruises on her arms had vanished altogether. How did that just happen?

    “Tired, but I’ll live.” She smiled sheepishly.

    ____

    There we go! Hope you guys enjoyed! It may be a little while before the next chapter, since I'm going to be in college starting this week. I will still do my best to write though, so look forward to that. And again, thank you so much for reading! If you have any comments/criticisms/suggestions etc. feel free to say so
    Last edited by Cometstarlight; 17th August 2013 at 11:59 PM.
    † I am a Christian and proud of it! Copy and paste this if you are too.†


    Credit goes to FairyWitch at Flower Paradise Graphics

    Fanfic Status: Currently postponed-- Kingdom Hearts: Memories' Reflection. Last updated 8/17/13

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    New York City
    Posts
    4,224

    Default

    Chapter 03

    A pretty nice chapter overall. I don’t normally like describing a character’s appearance like you did but it was pretty short so I won’t fault you for it. I didn’t actually find much wrong with it personally and any criticism that I have would be extreme nit-picking. The chapter wasn’t so but it wasn’t really fast either. It felt like it was appropriately paced for what happened in the chapter. The overall story is still being set-up I guess but it’s not at a snail’s pace or anything.

    Fighting for real American turtles everywhere. Pro-Turtle since 6/30/13

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    Riding on my Crimson Loftwing
    Posts
    1,489

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Vernikova View Post
    Chapter 03

    A pretty nice chapter overall. I don’t normally like describing a character’s appearance like you did but it was pretty short so I won’t fault you for it. I didn’t actually find much wrong with it personally and any criticism that I have would be extreme nit-picking. The chapter wasn’t so but it wasn’t really fast either. It felt like it was appropriately paced for what happened in the chapter. The overall story is still being set-up I guess but it’s not at a snail’s pace or anything.
    Thanks and you are correct, I'm still setting up for the story, but I understand that you feel like things may be slow. I'm still an aspiring writer and all of the critiques I receive (thanks for that btw ) are things that really help me. I'm trying to set the pacing at a middle range, but sometimes it doesn't come across that way.

    And I apologize for any personal qualms that may occur XD I'm just thankful for the advice, criticism, and support that I receive from anyone and everyone. Things should pick up very soon from here. Thanks again lol
    † I am a Christian and proud of it! Copy and paste this if you are too.†


    Credit goes to FairyWitch at Flower Paradise Graphics

    Fanfic Status: Currently postponed-- Kingdom Hearts: Memories' Reflection. Last updated 8/17/13

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •