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Thread: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Seekers of Legends [PG-13]

  1. #1
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    Default Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Seekers of Legends

    Ignore the [PG-13], will you? I put it there because some other people did and then realized I might not need it. And I can't seem to change it. This fic isn't rated PG13. At least, not yet. It'll depend on how I write the... darker... chapters.
    Welp, here we go. I'm an amateur writer and I've been wanting to write a PMD fic for some time. Then I finally got around to doing it.
    Please tell me what you think. Don't be afraid to criticize harshly - I know I'm not very good and want to improve. Thank you very much if you do! The thing I'm most concerned about is probably description, which I suck at.

    This is also posted on my fanfiction.net account, the link to which you'll find in my signature, though there really isn't any point in clicking it because this is the only thing I've written.

    EDIT: I added a prologue. I had it planned, and then entirely forgot about it.
    EDIT OF EDIT: The prologue got changed a bit because I realized I had something I didn't want in there.


        Spoiler:- Chapters:


        Spoiler:- Prologue:


        Spoiler:- Chapter One:
    Last edited by icebolt; 12th May 2013 at 11:22 PM.

  2. #2
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    I honestly really enjoyed these first two chapters. The characters are likable and diverse. Not to mention your amazing description. It feels like its been planned out and executed very well. I can't wait until I can read the next chapter .
    Gaming is not always about the victory and the conquest of your foes. Enjoy the journey for what it is. It all pays off in the end

    My level 100 dream team


    [img]http://oi44.*******.com/107s2vk.jpg[/img]

    Hey do you like manga? If you do check out my collaboration with orochi of my story Blood Type P . Just click on the link below
    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...0-Blood-Type-P
    [IMG]http://i44.*******.com/2uhy7m9.png[/IMG]
    [IMG]http://i40.*******.com/24fhc3d.gif[/IMG]

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Codeepfly View Post
    I honestly really enjoyed these first two chapters. The characters are likable and diverse. Not to mention your amazing description. It feels like its been planned out and executed very well. I can't wait until I can read the next chapter .
    Thank you for the positive comment ^_^

        Spoiler:- Chapter Two:
    Last edited by icebolt; 12th May 2013 at 11:23 PM.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by icebolt View Post
    Thank you for the positive comment ^_^
    Of course. This series has some good potential. Plus you have poochyena as a protagonist. I approve. I've never really read any mystery dungeon series before but I like this a lot.
    Gaming is not always about the victory and the conquest of your foes. Enjoy the journey for what it is. It all pays off in the end

    My level 100 dream team


    [img]http://oi44.*******.com/107s2vk.jpg[/img]

    Hey do you like manga? If you do check out my collaboration with orochi of my story Blood Type P . Just click on the link below
    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...0-Blood-Type-P
    [IMG]http://i44.*******.com/2uhy7m9.png[/IMG]
    [IMG]http://i40.*******.com/24fhc3d.gif[/IMG]

  5. #5
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    It's a really good beginning. I'm really liking the whole mystery of who Keira really is and what her mission. The story is also very well written so congratulations on that. Definitely will be watching and reading the story.

  6. #6
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    Hey there - as a reminder, you shouldn't have multiple chapters in the same post. It's fine to have the prologue and chapter one in a post together, but chapter two should be in its own post, and so should chapter three and so on.

    That said, your fic is looking pretty good so far. I only skimmed it, but from what I saw your writing is solid, and I liked the way you described Keira's focus on walking on four legs and how it feels foreign - it's a nice detail you don't always get in PMD fics. My main suggestion would be to be careful with your dialogue, since sometimes it doesn't sound 100% authentic. Read your dialogue out loud - that will help you get an idea of if it sounds realistic. For instance, "Just listen to what I’m about to say" isn't really something someone would say in real life; they'd more likely phrase it a little differently, like "Just listen to this." It's a small detail, but it really helps.

    And two small nitpicks:

    Quote Originally Posted by icebolt
    "Huh…" he murmured, glancing at his empty basket. "I've come all the way out here, and there still isn't any food… The land here's dead, too. It must be late spring now…"

    "But… why… are all the plants wilted? Why aren't the berries growing?" he asked the grey sky above him.
    Since it's still the same character speaking, you don't need to start a new paragraph. It's generally not necessarily. However, if it makes sense to divide up the dialogue like this, don't put a closing quotation mark at the end of the first paragraph (but keep the opening quotation mark at the beginning of the next one). So for example:
    Max looked around worriedly. "Hello?

    "Is...anybody there?"
    (Yep, it looks kind of weird, so it's not used very often, haha.)

    Quote Originally Posted by icebolt
    This Zigzagoon... he's so... ah, I suppose I don't really have anywhere to go. I don't really have any choice. And if this place is anything like what he said...
    For bits of narration that are actually thoughts, you should either put the thoughts in italics, or add something like "Keira thought" at the end of it to make it clearer and differentiate it from normal narration.


    Anyhow, these are just small nitpicks - like I said, it looks like you're off to a good start. Please just put the second chapter in a separate post and you'll be golden. Best of luck!

    ~Psychic

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThatYellowGuy View Post
    It's a really good beginning. I'm really liking the whole mystery of who Keira really is and what her mission. The story is also very well written so congratulations on that. Definitely will be watching and reading the story.
    Thank you~

    Quote Originally Posted by Psychic View Post
    Hey there - as a reminder, you shouldn't have multiple chapters in the same post. It's fine to have the prologue and chapter one in a post together, but chapter two should be in its own post, and so should chapter three and so on.

    That said, your fic is looking pretty good so far. I only skimmed it, but from what I saw your writing is solid, and I liked the way you described Keira's focus on walking on four legs and how it feels foreign - it's a nice detail you don't always get in PMD fics. My main suggestion would be to be careful with your dialogue, since sometimes it doesn't sound 100% authentic. Read your dialogue out loud - that will help you get an idea of if it sounds realistic. For instance, "Just listen to what I’m about to say" isn't really something someone would say in real life; they'd more likely phrase it a little differently, like "Just listen to this." It's a small detail, but it really helps.

    I haven't thought about reading it out loud. Thanks for the tip.

    And two small nitpicks:


    Since it's still the same character speaking, you don't need to start a new paragraph. It's generally not necessarily. However, if it makes sense to divide up the dialogue like this, don't put a closing quotation mark at the end of the first paragraph (but keep the opening quotation mark at the beginning of the next one). So for example:

    (Yep, it looks kind of weird, so it's not used very often, haha.)

    Ooh. I didn't know that.

    For bits of narration that are actually thoughts, you should either put the thoughts in italics, or add something like "Keira thought" at the end of it to make it clearer and differentiate it from normal narration.


    Anyhow, these are just small nitpicks - like I said, it looks like you're off to a good start. Please just put the second chapter in a separate post and you'll be golden. Best of luck!

    I originally had all the thoughts in italics, see, but I copy-pasted from my fanfiction.net. Therefore, I lost all of the formatting and had to go through the entire thing to put the italics back in. I must have missed that section.

    ~Psychic
    Thank you very much for such a helpful post.

  8. #8
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    I got chapter three done, woot. Been trying to use the advice I've been given. Anyway, the plot is going to pick up from here out.

        Spoiler:- Chapter 3:


    One last thing. What are PM lists? Are they like lists of people you PM when you've finished a new chapter? If that's the case and you want to be listed, tell me!

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    So far I've really enjoyed this story. Only read up to chapter two so far but it's picking up at a good pace and being described quite well. Good job so far on this work.

    I believe a PM list is a list of people you send the next chapter to, to help proof read the chapter before its done to help you fix certain parts up in case it's needed or suggestions of things to take out or add to make it feel more "realistic."

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    Quote Originally Posted by Chakra1412 View Post
    So far I've really enjoyed this story. Only read up to chapter two so far but it's picking up at a good pace and being described quite well. Good job so far on this work.

    I believe a PM list is a list of people you send the next chapter to, to help proof read the chapter before its done to help you fix certain parts up in case it's needed or suggestions of things to take out or add to make it feel more "realistic."
    Oh. Okay. Guess I won't have one then.

  11. #11
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    Chapter four is done.
        Spoiler:- Chapter Four:

    Plot's kicking off now so expect longer chapters from now on.

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    I liked this chapter! Ziggy's sort of suspicious and mysterious, and when he talks about his dad at the end, it instantly made me think "There's got to be something on his dad."
    I don't have any problems that I can see so far, but I'll let you know. Keep 'em coming!


  13. #13
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    I'm glad my comment helped, but I see you still haven't put Chapter 2 in a new post like I asked, so please be sure to do this soon.

    Also, PM lists are just lists of people who ask to be informed when a new chapter is released. Members can ask to be added to a PM list, so when you post a new chapter, you PM them saying "the new chapter of my fic is up." Chakra1412 is thinking of a beta reading or editor, which is someone who volunteers to proofread your story before you post it to help you with anything from spelling and grammar to description to working on your plot. You might be able to find someone to help with this in The Beta House.

    ~Psychic

  14. #14
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    All hail chapter five.

        Spoiler:- Chapter 5:


    Now I just need to figure out how to link to posts.
    Last edited by icebolt; 20th May 2013 at 7:32 AM.

  15. #15
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    Can't seem to get post linking to work.
    Will link to thread pages instead.

        Spoiler:- Chapter 6:

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