Results 1 to 22 of 22

Thread: zΩē (Code Geass-Based Fiction)

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    HOW DID I GET UP HERE?!
    Posts
    656

    Default zΩē (Code Geass-Based Fiction)

    An Alternate Universe Fiction:
    ZΩĒ

    This fiction is somewhat based off of Code Geass (although, of course, you can already see that), even if it may not seem like it so far; it's the first fiction I've ever written for anything, and it ties in heavily with an RPG I posted recently. My RPG will gradually progress (hopefully), and I hope to update this not-so-Fan Fiction accordingly.

        Spoiler:- Chapter List:


        Spoiler:- Disclaimer:


    Prologue


    Two figures stood alone on an empty highway. One looked at the Other, then out to the coast. It was midnight; still, under the light of the stars, anyone could see discernibly.

    "You know the rules?" the second inquired.

    "Yes; of course I do..." the former responded.

    The respondent was dressed casually, and appeared to be about sixteen or seventeen. He was wearing a simple grey t-shirt and plain old jeans, and had jet-black hair, somewhat tan skin, and crimson irises. He was worn and beaten; His face, hands, and arms had been scratched up considerably. He looked back from the coastline to the Other, who, in turn, looked away from him. The second One had on a black collared shirt and khakis. He seemed to be quite young; hardly any older than the former, with pallid skin, dark brown hair coloration, and blue eyes. He was carrying an iPhone, looking at it, tapping the ground repeatedly, and twisting His hair to another beat; He appeared to be much more flamboyant, more eccentric, more kinky, and flat-out weirder than the other One.

    "It's too bad; I'll have to kill You."

    "...but You're the cocksucker who makes the rules!"

    "I could strike You dead right now..."

    "Agh; You d-"

    "But I won't. After all, if I did, I'd be violating My Agreement... Isn't that right?"

    "...right."

    "I'd love to kill You right here and now, really... but I won't."

    His image vanished into sudden darkness. The first One was left alone, looking down the highway, inwards. He kept walking.

    Worst... Friday night... ever... especially for Me...

    He just kept walking, going back over his thoughts. Another voice resonated in His mind; that same voice He had heard just less than a minute before.

    See You in 3 days...
    Last edited by Truly Deceptive; 25th May 2013 at 4:07 AM.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Posts
    810

    Default

    Okay, let's do this.

    Two figures stood alone on an empty highway. One looked at the Other, then out to the coast. It was midnight, yet, still, under the light of the stars, anyone could see.
    'Other' should not be capitalised.
    'Still' isn't really needed.

    "Yes;... of course I do..." the former responded.
    Why is a semi-colon there? Remove it.

    The respondent was dressed casually, and appeared to be about 16 or 17; He was wearing a simple grey t-shirt and plain old jeans; He had jet-black hair and crimson irises. He was worn and beaten; His face, hands, and arms had been scratched up considerably. He looked back at the other from the sea; the latter had on a black collared shirt and khakis. He seemed to be quite young; hardly any older than the former, with pallid skin, dark brown hair coloration, and blue eyes. He was carrying an iPhone, looking at it, tapping the ground repeatedly, and twisting His hair to another beat; He appeared to be much more flamboyant, more eccentric, more kinky, and flat-out weirder than the other One.
    Many mistakes:
    I think you mean responder.
    16 or 17 should be in words, not in numbers.
    The 'He' after the semi-colon should not be capitalised.
    ^same mistake
    'His' should not be capitalised.
    There are too many adjectives; it is very hard on the eyes.
    'One' should not be capitalised.

    You capitalised 'you' a load if times.

    "But I won't. After all, if I did, I'd be violating My Agreement... Isn't that right?"
    'My Agreement' should not be capitalised.

    Worst... Friday night... ever;... especially for Me...
    'Me' shouldn't be capitalised
    Semi-colon shouldn't be there.

    Capitalisation errrors.


    Overall, this was very short and error-filled. You should edit it to make it longer and use a proofleader.


    Wild Future ~ Tyrone Walpole
    Credit
    I have claimed the Almighty Charizard.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    HOW DID I GET UP HERE?!
    Posts
    656

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by TheDarkKnightFalls View Post
    Okay, let's do this.

    'Other' should not be capitalised.
    'Still' isn't really needed.

    Why is a semi-colon there? Remove it.

    Many mistakes:
    I think you mean responder.
    16 or 17 should be in words, not in numbers.
    The 'He' after the semi-colon should not be capitalised.
    ^same mistake
    'His' should not be capitalised.
    There are too many adjectives; it is very hard on the eyes.
    'One' should not be capitalised.

    You capitalised 'you' a load if times.

    'My Agreement' should not be capitalised.

    'Me' shouldn't be capitalised
    Semi-colon shouldn't be there.

    Capitalisation errrors.

    Overall, this was very short and error-filled. You should edit it to make it longer and use a proofleader.
    "Respondent" actually is a noun.

    I know adding "still" is somewhat redundant.

    I'll delete the additional unnecessary punctuation.

    I capitalized all of them intentionally.

    I'll type the numbers as words; thank you.

    Also, "proofleader".
    Last edited by Truly Deceptive; 19th May 2013 at 6:07 PM.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    New York City
    Posts
    4,196

    Default

    I was actually reviewing this last night. I thought the thread was deleted since my post did not go through. Some of my criticisms are the same as as the poster's above though so I apologize in advance. Luckily for me, I save my critiques.

    Prologue

    This is the prologue. I am usually very fair in the first few chapters of a story and I will do the same here.

    I can’t really give any compliments that have some actual meaning behind them. The prologue was rather short so there isn’t much for me to compliment. An advantage for me though, I’m able to dissect and analyze this more effectively since I’m able to spend more time on each point than I would with something longer. Since this is your first fanfiction, I will critique accordingly:

    “Two figures stood alone on an empty highway.”

    “On” should be “in.”

    “One looked at the Other, then out to the coast.”

    The “O” in “Other” should not be capitalized.

    “It was midnight, yet, still, under the light of the stars, anyone could see.”

    There really isn’t any need for “yet” and “still” to be next to each in this sentence. Either would’ve sufficed. The end of this sentence also reads as an incomplete thought. Anyone could see what exactly? Could they see for miles? Could they see normally? A proper description would be helpful in setting up the scene for the readers so they can know what the characters know or experience.

    "Yes;... of course I do..." the former responded.”

    It’s best not to abuse ellipsis. They become bothersome to read the more often they are used in a story. You used it quite a few times in the prologue alone. A better way to show a character’s hesitation, or pause, is to show us how the characters are feeling through their actions. Or by simply adding “the other hesitated.” Both work. In this case, it doesn’t seem like the character was hesitating, so it could’ve simply been put as “Yes, of course I do.”

    “The respondent was dressed casually, and appeared to be about 16; He was wearing a simple gray t-shirt and plain old jeans; He had jet-black hair and crimson irises. . . . He looked back at the other from the sea; the latter had on a black shirt and khakis. He seemed to be quite young; hardly any older than the former, with pallid skin, dark brown hair coloration, and blue eyes. He was carrying a smartphone, looking at it, tapping the ground repeatedly, and twisting His hair to another beat; He appeared to be much more flamboyant, eccentric, kinky, and flat-out weird than the other One.”

    This reads as a list and it breaks the flow of a story. Description shouldn’t feel as though I’m reading a shopping list of what the character looks like. Describing one or two things about a character along with a trait that sets him apart from the other characters (his crimson irises or the other’s flamboyant personality) is just as good as a full description at the beginning of the story. As you go deeper, you can give out some more details about how your characters look like.

    “"It's too bad; I'll have to kill You."

    "...but You're the cocksucker who makes the rules!"

    "I could strike You dead right now..."

    "Agh; You d-"

    "But I won't. After all, if I did, I'd be violating My agreement... Isn't that right?"

    "...right."

    "I'd love to kill you right now, really... but I won't."

    He vanished in a sudden darkness. The former was left alone, looking down the highway. He kept walking.”

    At the beginning of this conversation, there’s no real indication of who is speaking. A simple “said the flamboyant man” would suffice well just to show us who is speaking. Even at the end where one disappears, there’s no clear indicator of who was the person making the threats. This will save your readers some confusion down the road.

    Worst... Friday night... Ever; especially for Me...

    Another voice resonated in His head; that same voice He had heard not even a minute before...

    See You in 3 days...

    I don’t think “Me” should be like that (“me”). Likewise with “head.” The voice really comes out of nowhere. You say that he had heard the voice just a minute before but this really comes out of leftfield. I think you would’ve been better off not mentioning that he had heard the voice a while before and gave it a more proper introduction.

    With all of that said, I’d like to see this continue since I don’t get to read too many CG fanfiction.

    Fighting for real American turtles everywhere. Pro-Turtle since 6/30/13

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    HOW DID I GET UP HERE?!
    Posts
    656

    Default

    I've corrected a few things since last night, and it was meant to be insufficient.

    I was hoping during my descriptions of the characters that everyone would be able to follow who was doing what and what the characters looked like easily.

    I decided to take a few things you typed into consideration, and I improved some things (for example, some words I hadn't capitalized).
    Last edited by Truly Deceptive; 19th May 2013 at 9:59 PM.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Posts
    810

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by PokeLegend View Post
    "Respondent" actually is a noun.

    I know adding "still" is somewhat redundant.

    I'll delete the additional unnecessary punctuation.

    I capitalized all of them intentionally.

    I'll type the numbers as words; thank you.

    Also, "proofleader".
    I see no need to correct me while I'm reviewing since it has little importance to the story. Also, why did you capitalise then?


    Wild Future ~ Tyrone Walpole
    Credit
    I have claimed the Almighty Charizard.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    HOW DID I GET UP HERE?!
    Posts
    656

    Default Chapter 1: Incubation

    Quote Originally Posted by TheDarkKnightFalls View Post
    I see no need to correct me while I'm reviewing since it has little importance to the story.
    I just found it amusive.

    Chapter 1


    I waited out in my room. Meh; it's not "my" room, really, but that's aside from the point. I thought I'd contact one of the people I know. Of course, I don't really know them (at least not yet), but it doesn't really matter. I need to try to make connections.

    Great; I've got about 2 days to prepare and find people... and I need to check: how is she?

    My aunt told me to head downstairs.

    "Nathan, you might want to get up! You don't want to be late for your job, do you?"

    "No; no, I don't!" I called back.

    I got my wallet and headed down.

    "God help me... I wish you would've at least spent Good Friday with me."

    "Didn't you know? Jesus didn't die on a Friday... also, Saturday was originally the Sabbath." I replied.

    "Don't talk back at me; that was one of the reasons why your parents decided to withdraw you, wasn't it?"

    "Actually, it was mainly owing to my violent propensities..."

    "Well, whatever; anyways, no one knows when Jesus died, really, so I guess you'd have to have been at the crucifixion to see..."

    ...

    "Anyways, I got your phone. It was on the charger in the kitchen. I love you. Have a good day."

    "Thanks; see you."

    For once, I don't really know how to feel about having picked a religiously overzealous family... God; is this what my friends back home felt towards their families?

    I stepped outside and started walking. I went down to the local theater; it wasn't far away (only about half a mile). I made it to the theater soon. It was my shift. I already got there this morning to apply for the job, then headed back to have lunch and take a rest; I had already worked here before (during the summer, but now I'd be working during the weekends). I waited and admitted a few dozen people, then...

    Right on cue...

    Some pale-skinned kid with black hair and dark eyes stopped by with a few of his friends. I caught sight of a few people; a pale girl with dark brown hair, a really tan blonde chick, a dude with sandy-colored hair, a brown-haired young man with sharp green eyes who had a high school t-shirt on which read "North Football" (it was probably given out to him during some fundraising event), and, lastly, an 11-year-old young girl who looked like she could be the kid's sister.

    "...so you're going to North as well... Are you a junior?"

    "...Ummm... Yeah. Why? I've never seen you around before."

    "I just got withdrawn... I'm going to be living with my aunt out here."

    "Oh; well... sucks to be you."

    Everyone else headed in.

    "I see your friend's in football. I think I might join; I was great back at my old school." I stated.

    "Neat..." he responded.

    "So, what's up? I'm Nathan; Nathan Kerdios."

    "Not much; I'm-"

    "C'mon, Josh! The movie's about to begin!"

    It's him.

    "I'm coming! See you, bro."

    "Alright..."

    I kept working for the rest of the day, primarily reasoning things out with customers who had ridiculous complaints. One of them who had glasses and seemed to have known what she was doing complained about having to see a 2D movie. Another one of them, on the other hand, complained about how he got to see a high definition movie. Later on in the day, my shift was over. I was glad to be the hell out of that chaos. I walked back home for about 15 minutes. After I made it back, I went upstairs to my room and continued planning.

    "How was your day, Nathan?"

    "It was great; thanks for asking."

    I made my way to my room.

    Well, now I know what they look like... but what if, last night, that wasn't His real appearance? What if that was the appearance of another student entirely? If it is, I might be at a disadvantage to Him... slightly. In fact, what if that really was what He looks like, and He, knowing I'd think something like that, appeared as He is simply to avert My suspicion? How does He know I didn't appear to Him as a false image? Wait; no... He already knows; they already saw me. Why the hell did I step outside today? Goddamnit!

    Ffffuuuck...

    I should've known... I should've known that I'd be giving Him a colossal advantage just by choosing to set foot in this city... ...ha; no matter... I already know what they look like... Who
    they are... That's good enough... I might almost call it a day. Except... I need to check in on how she's doing...

    Chapter Closed.
    Last edited by Truly Deceptive; 22nd May 2013 at 9:59 PM.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    New York City
    Posts
    4,196

    Default

    I was hoping during my descriptions of the characters that everyone would be able to follow who was doing
    I could follow it along clearly until you wrote the large paragraph. At that point, anyone could’ve been speaking.

    Chapter 01

    Onward to the next chapter.

    “mine”,
    A slip though one that can be spotted with a quick read through.

    Goddamnit!!!
    You shouldn’t use multiple exclamation marks to try to make something seem more surprising, exciting, what have you. One is enough to your point across.

    Let’s see now. I think the pacing in this chapter is very quick which hurts it since the details seem insufficient. While we are getting more of the story, it feels less like you leaving things out to tease us as much as it feels like you’re leaving things out just to be vague. Personally, I think this story has a lot of potential. Even with the vagueness, I can see something forming which could possibly be very interesting. I’d just like to see you use the narration to set up scenes better and let us into Nathan’s mind more than simply the one-liners we get when the unrevealed plan is going into motion.

    Oh, and you seem to use ellipses a lot. I'd recommend that you stop using them so many times within a chapter. When I read it, I imagine the characters speaking like they're trying to dub lines from an over-dramatic anime scene.

    Fighting for real American turtles everywhere. Pro-Turtle since 6/30/13

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    HOW DID I GET UP HERE?!
    Posts
    656

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Vern View Post
    I could follow it along clearly until you wrote the large paragraph. At that point, anyone could’ve been speaking.

    Chapter 01

    Onward to the next chapter.



    A slip though one that can be spotted with a quick read through.



    You shouldn’t use multiple exclamation marks to try to make something seem more surprising, exciting, what have you. One is enough to your point across.

    Let’s see now. I think the pacing in this chapter is very quick which hurts it since the details seem insufficient. While we are getting more of the story, it feels less like you leaving things out to tease us as much as it feels like you’re leaving things out just to be vague. Personally, I think this story has a lot of potential. Even with the vagueness, I can see something forming which could possibly be very interesting. I’d just like to see you use the narration to set up scenes better and let us into Nathan’s mind more than simply the one-liners we get when the unrevealed plan is going into motion.

    Oh, and you seem to use ellipses a lot. I'd recommend that you stop using them so many times within a chapter. When I read it, I imagine the characters speaking like they're trying to dub lines from an over-dramatic anime scene.
    Thanks for the advice; also, it's meant to be insufficient (not feel; be).

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    New York City
    Posts
    4,196

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by PokeLegend View Post
    it's meant to be insufficient (not feel; be).
    Why is it supposed to be that way? I don't know how many readers are going to continue reading if you're not giving any sufficient information to guess about other than "what's going on here"?

    Fighting for real American turtles everywhere. Pro-Turtle since 6/30/13

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    HOW DID I GET UP HERE?!
    Posts
    656

    Default Chapter 2: Enervation

    Quote Originally Posted by Vern View Post
    Why is it supposed to be that way? I don't know how many readers are going to continue reading if you're not giving any sufficient information to guess about other than "what's going on here"?
    It will be explained once everything is ready; first, I was kind of hoping for some people to join my RP (the first time I posted it, there were about 4 people who told me they would honestly consider joining; I deleted it a while ago, then re-posted it, and their reservations are all up, anyways; maybe I should PM them).

    Chapter 2


    "...hey!"

    "...What?"

    "Are you alright?!"

    I opened my eyes.

    "Oh, God!"

    Everything was burning. I wished I'd just gone back to sleep. It was terrible; I couldn't stop thinking about it.

    Agh; the pain!

    There was some blood from my arms and my face dripping out onto the firm concrete.

    "Aaron, are you okay?!"

    "...uhm... I don't really know whether or not I'm okay..."

    "Well, that's just f*cking g-"

    She stepped into my view. He hesitated and decided to let her talk. I watched; I watched everything all around us.

    "I called the hospital."

    Where am I?... The last thing I remember was... we were chilling out at the mall, he let his sister go hang out with her friends, and we met up with Helen and Jacqueline...

    "You were going to get some yogurt for us, and you just crashed down and passed out."

    I tried to stand up. I coughed out loud to clear my throat. A little bit of dust remained in my lungs; a little bit of blood fell on my cheek.

    "It looks like you just went and tripped all over the pavement; seriously, are you okay?"

    "Thanks, Helen."

    I stood up.

    "I think I'm going to be alr-f*ck!"

    I slipped. My hand was back on the hard cement. Everything was still bleeding.

    "Whoa; dude, you should probably lie down. You look like you're going to f*ckin' collapse again." Joshua suggested.

    "Probably." I responded.

    ...the f*ck just happened?! I mean, I know I'm always tense, but what the hell?! I hope I don't have to miss out on football practice this week. Goddamn! I mean, usually I just stumble, run into something, or lose my footing, of course, but what the hell?!

    It almost appeared as if I was going to fall right into the ground; not because it looked like the earth was flowing, but because it felt like I was dissolving.

    And... there goes my hand.

    I tried to get up. Helen gave me her hand. I leaned against a lamppost.

    "Thanks; seriously, I'm going to be alright."

    We spent the next few minutes waiting for an ambulance. I checked my phone for anything that might be important and decided I should call my mother.

    "Yeah, mom? Hi... I kind of... fainted onto cold, solid concrete about ten to fifteen minutes ago for little apparent reason."

    "What?!"

    "K, thanks; bye."

    "No; tell me, what exactly are you doing?"

    "Well, my friends called the hospital, and now we're waiting for an ambulance to arrive..."

    "...and?"

    "We're going to explain the entire situation to them, and then we're all going to go home."

    "No; that's not what any reasonable person would do!"

    "...Do you want me to go to the hospital?"

    "What do you think?"

    "I think I'm ready to get some lunch dinner at KFC and get going."

    "No; no; no. You are going to get on that ambulance and spend the night like a responsible young man so you'll be ready for school tomorrow, I'm going to stay with you, and then you are going to come home."

    I sighed.

    "Fine; just at least let me spend a few more minutes with them before it arrives."

    "Alright; I love you. Bye."

    "Bye, mom..."

    I got off the phone.

    "Ah, well; I was going to have to take my sister home a few minutes from now, anyways..." Joshua said.

    He found her after a few minutes.

    "Alright; see you."

    The ambulance arrived.

    "I guess I should take you both home, too." he said to Helen and Jackie.

    "Alright..." Helen said.

    "Do you mind if I spend, like, an hour with you?" Jackie asked Joshua.

    "Alright; just until your mom decides to pick you up." he replied.

    A few paramedics walked by.

    "K; see you." I said, stepping aside.

    Chapter Closed.
    Last edited by Truly Deceptive; 23rd May 2013 at 10:48 PM.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    New York City
    Posts
    4,196

    Default

    Your role-play and you story are two different things but they are connected. You made this story to help advertise your role-play right? If so, you should put more effort into the story since it’ll help draw more people into the story. Think of it like restaurants or bars since they’re pretty similar. If you had to choose between a place with a nice outside that appealed to eyes against a place that had little effort put into the exterior? Most would choose the former. Anyway, onward to the story!

    Chapter 02

    "WHAT?!"
    Don’t capitalize the entire word.

    Okay, if you’re not going to listen to my advice to be descriptive for whatever reason, at least hear me out on putting things like “he exclaimed” or “she asked.” Just put there something besides leaving the dialogue there with no one being attributed to what. Also, you seem to use semi-colons a lot. I would suggest that you tone down the usage of since they’re not always necessary. For example: “K; see you” and “Alright; see you.” Did you really need to use a semicolon here? Overuse makes them tiring to see.

    Also, your ellipses use: “Hi... I kind of... fainted onto cold, solid concrete about ten to fifteen minutes ago for little apparent reason.” It would look much better as something like “’Hi, I kind of…” Aaron said hesitantly. [Explanation of how he feels, why he’s hesitant, BLAH]. Aaron took a breath and continued . . . .”

    Something like that. It adds some insight into his mind, some more description, and makes it feel less like a script.

    Fighting for real American turtles everywhere. Pro-Turtle since 6/30/13

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    HOW DID I GET UP HERE?!
    Posts
    656

    Default Chapter 3: Subjection

    Quote Originally Posted by Vern View Post
    Your role-play and you story are two different things but they are connected. You made this story to help advertise your role-play right? If so, you should put more effort into the story since it’ll help draw more people into the story. Think of it like restaurants or bars since they’re pretty similar. If you had to choose between a place with a nice outside that appealed to eyes against a place that had little effort put into the exterior? Most would choose the former. Anyway, onward to the story!

    Also, your ellipses use: “Hi... I kind of... fainted onto cold, solid concrete about ten to fifteen minutes ago for little apparent reason.” It would look much better as something like “’Hi, I kind of…” Aaron said hesitantly.

    Something like that. It adds some insight into his mind, some more description, and makes it feel less like a script.
    Alright; I'll try to make it more emotive.

    Chapter 3


    We laid out in my room. She was lying down on my plain old bed to my right. I was chilling out in the corner to the left. Jackie began a conversation with me.

    "Do you think Aaron will be okay?" she asked me.

    "Hmm? Yeah. He was torn up pretty badly, but I'm pretty sure he'll be alright."

    "I'm surprised my parents would let me stay with you this late."

    "Yeah; I wonder whether or not they'd let you spend the night with me if you just asked them to," I responded.

    I'm still surprised they're letting her stay with me until 11:30. I mean, with that sort of exemption and release from obligation, I'd think they might actually let her stay all night, or at least until she called them, if she wanted to.

    I put my phone up, picked up the remote, and turned on the TV to USA.

    "You know, all my dad's other friends and their families live nearby, including Aaron." I stated.

    "Yeah; I know." she casually replied.

    "Anyways, he hasn't been home in, like, at least a week, and my mother's been gone for about a day, so we have the entire house to ourselves." I pointed out. She put her phone up, and started reading Fahrenheit 451.

    "That book was quick to read. So... would you like something to drink?" I brought up a couple new matters.

    "Yeah; thank you, although I'm not sure exactly what I'd like." she answered back to me.

    "I'm just going to go get some Coke." I said calmly.

    "Alright."

    I opened the door and headed down to the kitchen. I got a couple of Coke cans and poured them into clean glasses. I decided not to get ice; just to put it in glasses and bring them back to my room. I took a moment and contemplated my life.

    Life seems so routine... I wish there was something to break everything; the prosaic responsibility forced on me by this completely indifferent society. Everyone follows it as if we believe we're actually not nothing. I can't live with being their robotic manservant everyday. I may not be able to do so at the moment, but I want to spend my life to seriously accomplish something.

    These thoughts kept going through my entire spirit as I reached the door. For the moment, I was glad I would at least get to do something for Jackie.

    "I got it." I said with both glasses in my hands.

    "Thanks, Joshua." she said as she picked up her glass with gratitude, carefully.

    "You're always welcome..." I replied.

    Chapter Closed.


    Also, I know this chapter was ridiculously short, but at least is was substantially more detailed.
    Last edited by Truly Deceptive; 26th May 2013 at 12:08 AM.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    HOW DID I GET UP HERE?!
    Posts
    656

    Default Chapter 4: Δ

    Things finally get interesting...

    Chapter 4


    A figure stepped into an open building in the middle of the night. She silently made her way in, hiding. She saw another standing near the stairway. She walked over to him.

    He opened the door for her and moved up quickly. They walked up the stairs. A light and repetitive ambience resounded outside; footsteps were beating. She began running.

    He followed her, trying to walk calmly. She hurried up to the top as quickly as she could.

    He stood still amidst the silence, nearly up the first flight, listening.

    "They're inside. Yes; I'm sure. We'll have her in just a few hours, tops. She has absolutely no chance of escaping."

    He heard someone else in the lobby; someone else walking.

    He quickly dismissed the thought once he heard the doors swing open. Someone - no; multiple people - had entered the building.

    They came in; they set everyone up into their positions. He continued to move up until he reached the floor; the 7th floor. She made her way to the top.

    He stepped into the hall, closed the door, and got down. He heard a few of them make their way up the stairs. He caught sight of a couple of them stepping aside by the door. He shoved himself back against the door and hid.

    "It's, like, 3:00 A.M...."

    "So, we're going to settle out until 6:00 and then storm the building?"

    "Yeah; that's what they said."

    "God; we never pay any attention."

    "Yeah; I know."

    They all waited for a few hours. He saw one of them take out a cigarette and start smoking. A faint light shined in from the southeast at the end of the hall, over the coastal view.

    He steadily got up and focused.

    "Alright!" the point man who was smoking the cigarette said.

    He slammed the door open and saw...

    Nothing.

    "Well, she's not on this floor." the other one commented casually.

    "Wait... My God; someone's standing right over - agh!" the initial one stated.

    What?!

    He heard someone open fire on the lower floor. The one who had seen him drew his firearm. He immediately fired at him.

    F*ck...

    The bullets were shot out in midair and disappeared.

    "What the hell?!" they both cried out simultaneously.

    Damn it-

    His thoughts were suddenly interrupted; someone had hit him. The soldier gave him a beating, and he immediately crashed to the ground. All the bullets suddenly reappeared as they fell fell from the air in front of his face to the ground.

    They beat him down until they were sure he was completely senseless.

    He scanned them.

    Kill anyone you see. At least that's what they told me...

    They picked up their weapons. Suddenly, they began to freeze. They were thrown back violently against the metal wall. It bent, tore open, and stabbed them. They clamored. Gunshots sounded on all the other floors. They were forced back against the wall.

    He ran down the hall to that room; his best option. The door was locked. He quickly worked at it mentally.

    God; I hope she's okay.

    It opened. He headed inside. A young girl stood in a corner of the room.

    It's you.

    She screamed.

    The door down the hallway was thrown open. A few of them rushed down across the hall. They breached the door.

    He ran across the room.

    "Who the hell are you?!" she demanded from him.

    He jumped out of the way and into the corner. He gripped her around the back of her chest and her legs.

    She yelled again.

    "Don't touch me!" she shouted defensively.

    He thought to her.

    Do you want to live?

    "What?!" she took a moment to consider what the hell just happened.

    He picked her up, ran across the room, and leapt right out of the window.

    "Agh!"

    He beat his hand into the concrete wall. It clawed in as if the building was made of sand. The young girl leaned back against him, experiencing this strange horror yet unable to do anything; not even fall. A few of the soldiers looked out over the window.

    They all froze. A few of them lost control, slipped, and fell down onto the concrete some hundred feet below. Many of them (about 20) just slowly kept on leaning over the awning and trying to get a good look at them. Several of them tried to get out their guns, but they all suddenly got heart attacks, were forcibly thrown out the window against their wills, began convulsing horribly, or even just exploded right in front of the young girl's eyes before they had the opportunity to actually shoot at them.

    At a certain point, it all stopped.

    That should keep them busy for at least a couple of hours.

    He took his other hand out of the side of the building and put it back around the girl's chest, jumping off the side of the building as he steadily levitated down into the alley.

    "What... the hell - who the hell..." she struggled to catch her breath, "...are you?" she asked him.

    "What's your name?" he, in turn, asked her.

    "My mom told me I'm not supposed to talk about myself to strangers." she said.

    "I'm not some stranger. Your brother's Joshua. Josh Nafisu. Right?"

    "How the hell would you know that? You just saw him with me at the theater a couple of days ago; you haven't really met him." she argued with due suspicion and curiosity.

    "So, who are you?"

    "First, you tell me. What's your name?" she asked him.

    "Nathan Kerdios."

    "Huh... Is that even really your name?"

    "Yes; at least during the last moment I checked in this reality it is." he replied immediately.

    "...what?"

    "You're very inquisitive. By the way, don't worry about your brother; he should be hiding out in his room for a few hours now. You need to stay safe. Also, your end of the deal: what's your name?"

    "...Zoe."

    Chapter Closed.
    Last edited by Truly Deceptive; 17th June 2013 at 8:43 PM.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    New York City
    Posts
    4,196

    Default

    Chapters 03 & 04

    Whoa, two chapters in two days. That worries me that you’re writing a little too quickly but we’ll see.

    just asked them to." I responded.
    I believe a comma should replace the first period.

    Next chapter.

    That was quite a jump in that action. There was no real lead up to it that I noticed. One chapter he was pondering his boring life and the next there are exploding bodies and stuff. At least you got a bit more descriptive so I can give you that much at the very least. I don’t think most of your lines should be simply one line paragraphs. There should be actual paragraphs in your work unless it’s a script and this isn’t any script if I’m looking at this correctly. Maybe it’s just my personal style but using semicolons a lot don’t really seem that appealing. I don’t know why but it might just be me.

    Since I've given you all of the grammar and writing advice I can, it's up to you to follow it or not. I will now focus more on critiquing the plot itself since I'm being repetitive droning on about description and semicolons.

    "What... the hell - who the hell..." she struggled to catch her breath.

    "...are you?" she asked him.
    Keep these on the same line.

    Fighting for real American turtles everywhere. Pro-Turtle since 6/30/13

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    HOW DID I GET UP HERE?!
    Posts
    656

    Default Chapter 5 - Overregulation

    Someone interfered and this was posted before I intended it to be.

    Chapter 5


    She made her way to her school.

    We both made it to our schools well enough. For the moment, she's going to have to be living with me. I didn't leave any one of them alive who had noticed her.

    The bell rang out clearly.

    "Alright; ready for Chemistry." Aaron droned to himself over in the corner.

    He had a cast over his left arm. The doctor had suggested he procure one, and his mother, concerned as she was, convinced him to make use of it. Aaron probably didn't really need it; in fact, he might have been even better off without it.

    ...and there and then, right in the other corner, was Him.

    Well, I wasn't sure entirely it was Him, but he seemed to be acting exactly as I had imagined Him; surrounding Himself with His friends, of course, not giving off any clear indication of how He is who He is, or even just who He is, or, occasionally, just the simple fact of how He is. He made everything seem as if it was about how he claimed he cared or seemed to be interested in everyone else. I did that before; back at home. It almost seems as if He's giving Himself away to Me.

    However, I could be wrong.

    Wait; why don't I just read all of them? After all, I already just did that anyways.

    I scanned everyone just for an instant, before the teacher began speaking. I learned all of their names and what they were thinking; 8 strong bases, PTSD, a rhetoric essay, football team has a winning streak, quantum gravity, US History, that eccentric kid in the corner is a natural blond, but from him (the kid himself)...

    NOTHING.

    It's Him.

    The Chemistry 2 lesson was about certain chemical interactions; nothing new, just as my last Chemistry teacher had talked about a few days ago. He handed out worksheets, and most people decided they'd take care of them at home. I got to listen to all of them.

    "So, how is Lucy doing? I haven't seen her at school today." one of them, Caitlin, asked.

    "...I heard she got pregnant." he responded to them.

    "What?! Who with?" she asked him.

    "How the hell should I know?!" he tersely answered in return.

    "Huh. Sorry, Jacob. I'm not even really that sure anymore, considering how you're not really one of her closest friends."

    I decided I should walk by and talk to them.

    I overheard Aaron talking with Helen.

    "I missed you yesterday. Are you alright?" she asked him.

    "Yeah... my doctor told me I probably just have post-traumatic stress disorder."

    "...from what?"

    "I don't know; what do you think?" he answered her.

    The period ended.

    Everyone just immediately left, leaving Jacob and I to talk alone. The teacher just walked outside and headed to the administration building; he had to pick up something. I took the opportunity to talk to Him.

    "...what the hell, man?!" I asked Him.

    "What do You mean, 'what the hell'?! You know, I could've killed You right there and then, in front of everyone, and no one would have seen, felt, heard, or even considered it. I could just erase You from existence right now. You should've known better. I knew what You would consider to be the worst possible circumstances. Everyone deserves to burn in hell. I like to make people suffer as much as I can."

    "...f*ck."

    He's right about that; besides, at the moment, I can't even do anything... I guess I'm just going to have to wait it out.

    "You know it's true..." he said out loud as I walked out the door. His voice resonated.

    You should see your face... I'm beginning to think you really don't know any better.

    I stepped out of the room and headed for my next class.

    Chapter Closed.
    Last edited by Truly Deceptive; 27th May 2013 at 6:45 PM.

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    New York City
    Posts
    4,196

    Default

    Chapter 05

    and this was posted before I intended it to be.
    If you’re talking about this chapter then I would advise that you not do that. You should take the time to look over your work and make sure that it’s the best that your ability can make it. Anyway, onward ho!

    She made her way to her school.

    We both made it to our schools well enough. For the moment, she's going to have to be living with me. I didn't leave any one of them alive who had noticed her.
    I still don’t understand why you need to put these on two separate lines. They fit well enough to form one paragraph.

    Reading on, you don’t need to write “He,” “Himself,” etc like that. I know you said you were doing it on purpose but you really don’t even need to do that, I don’t even think they capitalize those letters when referring to the Christian God so I really don’t think you need to do that in this case.

    I don’t like how you had Nathan just scan everyone’s mind to help him decide who was who. You could’ve written a chapter or two (a chapter really) on trying to figure out if the kid who he suspected of being “Him” was actually him or not. That could’ve led to some character interaction between him and Zoe or Aaron where we could’ve learned more about him or them or whatever the plot is. Also, I don’t understand what’s going on with the plot. When is it actually going to pick up? You said you were being intentionally vague but that can only go on for so long. You actually have to make things clear for the reader because I’m reading your work and I literally do not know what is going on. I know “He” is coercing Nathan into doing something (which we don’t know anything of) and that for some reason Zoe and Aaron are special. Other than that? I don’t get anything else. I don’t know what anyone that isn’t human actually is. I don’t know why the group of men in chapter four wanted with Zoe or anything. You’re not giving the reader enough information for them to speculate and thus find out what’s happening.

    The first thing a writer wants to do is have the reader turn the page. Preferably, they’d turn each page. It means that the reader is interested, that they want to know what happens next, that they are committed to the story and the characters. How do you expect people to interested or committed if you don’t give us some information? We’re five chapters in and we don’t know why anything has happened. I strongly urge you to give us information but not in the form on info dumping. Let it all come through the story in a natural seeming way. I still think your story has a lot of potential if re-worked but you need to commit the time to make that potential become realized.

    The Chemistry 2 lesson was about certain chemical interactions; nothing new, just as my last Chemistry teacher had talked about a few days ago. He handed out worksheets, and most people decided they'd take care of them at home. I got to listen to all of them.

    "So, how is Lucy doing? I haven't seen her at school today." one of them, Caitlin, asked.

    "...I heard she got pregnant." he responded to them.

    "What?! Who with?" she asked him.

    "How the hell should I know?!" he tersely answered in return.

    "Huh. Sorry, Jacob. I'm not even really that sure anymore, considering how you're not really one of her closest friends."

    I decided I should walk by and talk to them.

    I overheard Aaron talking with Helen.

    "I missed you yesterday. Are you alright?" she asked him.

    "Yeah... my doctor told me I probably just have post-traumatic stress disorder."

    "...from what?"

    "I don't know; what do you think?" he answered her.

    The period ended.

    Everyone just immediately left, leaving Jacob and I to talk alone. The teacher just walked outside and headed to the administration building; he had to pick up something.
    Most of this is filler. The last paragraph also seems very convenient. Everyone just immediately leaves and the teacher just happened to need to pick something up. It seems forced. Anyway, why did they have to have that conversation and why did you show it to us? Just to let us know that He was in the school? If so, I don’t think that you executed that in a proper way for the reasons I stated above.

    Anyway, I’ll still read your story but I really think you should reveal more for the reader.

    Fighting for real American turtles everywhere. Pro-Turtle since 6/30/13

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    HOW DID I GET UP HERE?!
    Posts
    656

    Default Chapter 6: Unappreciation

    Chapter 6


    It was lunch period.

    "What's up, Nate?" Aaron asked courteously.

    "...not much." I responded with my eyes turned down, casually.

    "Are you okay?" he asked me.

    ...says the person who nearly died just yesterday.

    "Yeah; I'm okay. I just-"

    My statement was interrupted suddenly; everything faded out as He stepped up to me.

    "Hey, Nathan; you're in football, right? That means you have the same lunch period as me!"

    F*ck!

    "Anyways, you already said you're not going to have lunch earlier this morning. Aaron, you should probably get going."

    "Right..."

    "-but-" I interjected.

    Aaron tuned out my screams and just fled immediately.

    I froze completely. He looked at me. We walked out the building and moved calmly across the courtyard, and I was forced to the wall, keeping my head down in the cornee

    "'But' what? You did say you weren't going to bother waiting around in line this morning."

    "You know I have something to do!"

    "Of course I do; as I said before: I like for other people to have to suffer."

    It's more than just that. He needs other people to suffer. He hasn't even been taking care of anything; just wholeheartedly burning everything.

    "You're a-"

    "'-a monster; toying with people's emotions and memories in order to accomplish my own ends.' Is that by any measure reminiscent of what you were thinking? It seems so familiar. Doesn't it? Well, listen to me: 'Not a righteous person exists on the earth who does good and never sins.' Right? Besides, it's all going straight to hell anyways."

    "Only because you're sending them to it!" I immediately responded.

    You've neglected - no; specifically gone against - our responsibility!

    "Having considered what you've done just this morning, you know I have a right to ruin you personally." he declared openly.

    "So, how do you think she's doing?" he asked me.

    "You shouldn't have left her alone, if you ask me... not that you even care, really. You wanted to help her to at least some degree. You really thought I'd give you that opportunity? You haven't even considered how susceptible all of you would be to me... You don't even know any better, to be honest. You're vulnerable... and weak. That's just as you should be. You failed to even take care of her. You poor, f*cking stupid sap! Damn you and her; all of you... by the way, you know your greatest pawn is going to turn insane eventually."

    I'm not even going to think "How could it get any worse?" or anything remotely alike.

    "Oh, and by the way: she's going to die in a few minutes if she doesn't have anyone else to do something... I think I'll just leave you to your burning."
    Last edited by Truly Deceptive; 3rd June 2013 at 1:10 AM.

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    New York City
    Posts
    4,196

    Default

    Chapter 06

    "-but-" I interjected.

    Aaron tuned out my screams and just fled immediately.
    You should change up Nate’s dialogue here because it doesn’t look like he’s screaming or even panicked in the dialogue you added for him.

    You’re still being very vague but at least something seems to be starting up in the plot department. Still, it’d be a bit better if your chapters were longer. I hope we learn what’s the overall plot of this soon since you can’t really appreciate lines like these without knowing what is going on: "You shouldn't have left her alone, if you ask me... not that you even care, really. You wanted to help her to at least some degree. You really thought I'd give you that opportunity? You haven't even considered how susceptible all of you would be to me... You don't even know any better, to be honest. You're vulnerable... and weak. That's just as you should be. You failed to even take care of her. You poor, f*cking stupid sap! Damn you and her; all of you... by the way, you know your greatest pawn is going to turn insane eventually."

    Fighting for real American turtles everywhere. Pro-Turtle since 6/30/13

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    HOW DID I GET UP HERE?!
    Posts
    656

    Default

    Chapter 7

    The flames were tearing at me/Me.

    I guess this means... it's over. For Me; for humanity...

    "Oh; by the way, I have something to confess: I screwed Lucy. She initially didn't even agree. That, however, was really no matter; I eventually got her to want me."

    I looked up at him silently. My face was beginning to burn horribly. It had already sunk halfway in. The fires were just under my eyes.

    "So-" he attempted to resume speaking uninterruptedly.

    "What; is she going to have some kind of devil child?" I asked him curiously.

    I heard a loud pop and splattering.

    ...and there goes my right eye.

    "Probably." he responded to my question.

    It burned. It burned, but it was alright; as long as I was trying to do what's right...

    Does he really think that, or is he just saying that to try to piss me off? God; it hurts...

    It went on for hours. It came to be late in the afternoon eventually. He stamped his foot into my neck. I was bleeding pitifully; but, soon, she called me.

    I saw her with my eye. It was Zoe. She was at my aunt's place.

    Are you alright?

    I was glad she couldn't see me.

    Someone came by and said he knew you. Can you see him? she said to me.

    Look clearly. I heard someone talk to Me.

    I saw him.

    So, who are you, exactly? she asked.

    "That depends; are you addressing me, or - you know - Me?" I responded out loud. He heard me and kicked me in the face; I saw my skull crack open and bleed.

    You know what I mean.

    I decided to not reply; I continued sinking.

    Goodbye, Zoe... I guess I'll see you soon... hopefully.

    I sank in completely. I lost my other eye shortly. I felt my remains blow away and saw Him staring at Me. It was late in the night already once He finally opted to speak to Me again.

    They deserve it.

    It went out with a ceaseless ringing.
    Chapter Closed.
    Last edited by Truly Deceptive; 7th June 2013 at 9:13 PM.

  21. #21
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    HOW DID I GET UP HERE?!
    Posts
    656

    Default Chapter 8

    Chapter 8


    He stood outside the building and talked with her.

    "...Delta," he decided to speak out after a moment of thinking.

    "What?" she said in response.

    "...what do you call yourselves?" he asked her.

    "...Achilleans." she replied.

    Achilleans... he thought to himself about just who the f*ck she was and what he was going to do.

    "Oh, right; I haven't asked you: what's your name?" she spoke up to him.

    "...Joshua." he responded.

    "You know, Joshua, it's really convenient that I met you-"

    "What; considering that we almost got shot in the head and burned alive just earlier today?"

    "Yeah; exactly." she responded unwittingly.

    She continued. "Maybe it has to do with-"

    "So, why the hell are you following me?!"

    "...what?" she asked nervously. She turned her head down and thought to herself. "Why are you trying to walk away from me?" she answered.

    He sighed; she wouldn't stop following him.

    So, where the hell am I going to stay?...

    "What do you think might have happened to my sister?" he asked, trying to give a kind tone.

    "...I don't know." she replied.

    ...F*CK.

    "...so, why the f*ck were they following us?" he asked her.

    "Hm... I think they were after you because you resemble your father closely..."

    The f*ck?! How does she know who my dad is?!

    "I heard he did something."

    He looked on at her silently.

    "As for me... I don't really know why they're after me."

    "Well; that's just really f*cking helpful." he said responsively.

    "Really?"

    He remained silent for a moment; he wanted to determine whether or not she had sufficient common sense for the cognisance of even the simplest type of device in common rhetoric as a sarcastic tonality.

    "...really."

    "Oh; you're welcome. I thought for a moment you were kidding."

    Ugh...

    He gripped his left arm; it was still bleeding. He began to feel extremely fatigued. He burst out suddenly.

    "F*CKING-"

    He beat his head against the jagged concrete brick-and-mortar wall repetitively.

    She looked at him confusedly.

    How could I just let her get taken away from me?! F*ck! I should've been with her right after - no; even while - I heard the first shot this morning! Taking care of her was... my... responsibility.

    The entire upper right side of his face was bleeding.

    "Are you okay?" she asked him unawarely.

    It hurt severely. He looked at her and said nothing. They kept walking.

    Chapter Closed.
    Last edited by Truly Deceptive; 10th June 2013 at 3:23 AM.

  22. #22
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    New York City
    Posts
    4,196

    Default

    Chapters 07 & 08

    me/Me
    Just stick to “Me.”

    I saw my skull crack open
    How?

    I was pretty confused as to what was going on in this chapter. Mainly speaking about the Zoe scene though. She simply came and left pretty quickly. It was weird.

    Still don’t see the importance of most of these other character right now outside of Joshua, Him, and the other guy. I want to say “Me.” You should attempt to remind the reader as to who Delta is since, well, you never introduced her via name before and it’s been a while since we went into Josh’s POV.

    Fighting for real American turtles everywhere. Pro-Turtle since 6/30/13

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •