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Thread: The Adventures of the Brothers M

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    Default The Adventures of the Brothers M

    This is a collaboration fan fiction by Blany and TheDarkKnightFalls. Either of us can post the chapters.

    Collaborations can be tricky, but we somehow made it.

    We would rate it 12+, due to some content that could be inappropriate for younger children... though both of us are younger than twelve, too...

    PM List

        Spoiler:- PM List:


    Chapter List

        Spoiler:- Chapter List:


    So... without further ado... here we go!


    PROLOGUE


    "The path is clear..." said Mew cautiously, in the deep darkness of night. He quietly flew in the fog, his pink body unnoticeable and his pink tail flowing freely.

    He sneakily flew over the hard and rocky stone pavement in the thick fog, trying to not get lost. His catnip had been stolen by the king and he had to retrieve it.
    Mew cautiously knocked a guard out with Hypnosis, transforming into him to avoid detection. He then boldly walked into the tall and magnificent castle.

    Mewtwo appeared, its hand raised. His body was a shade of gray, with a purple tail and thin limbs.

    "Do not do it, brother; there is an evil in there which even I cannot fully comprehend."

    "There you go again with the clichés, authors! Why do we always have to face an incomprehensible evil which seems so intimidating! These dramatic adventures have grown overused and boring!", said Mew, looking at the fourth wall.

    A huge explosion rocked the very earth and several guards run out of the castle.

    "Uhhh... I feel my power diminishing. What is this?" said Mewtwo, surprised.

    "Just an old, boring cliché," said Mew, transforming back to his normal form. "The guards will probably attack us now."

    The aggressive guards, who seemingly did not hear their discussion drew swords and pointed it at Mewtwo, unaware the guard next to him is really Mew.

    "Kill that anomaly!"

    "Fear not, brother, for humans are not a threat, seeing our power, they will be out of breath.” said Mew, not phased at all.

    "It is not just humans, but an unknown evil to comprehend. It has an iron will, which even we cannot bend." said Mewtwo, trying to cut down Mew's confidence.

    "Over with the rhyme, brother, for we do not have time. We have to flee or attack, else we would be crushed into lime." said Mew, pointing at the guards' swords.

    "There you go again, brother, doing what you said to stop. However, you are right, we must sweep them like a mop.", said Mewtwo, fully aware that it did not make sense.

    "OH! What are you authors making us say, will we just chat and talk? Tell you what; your rhymes are lame, just like a rock!" said Mew, flailing his arms around.

    "Aargh! No time for that! We have to start fighting right out of the bat!"

    Mewtwo formed a sharp, blade with psychic energy, causing Mew to look at him weirdly, even though Mewtwo tried to hide it.

    "What?" said Mewtwo. "I like Assassin’s Creed!"

    "Assassin’s Creed? What in Arabia is that? Surely, I know about no Altair, nor I know any of his Chronicles!"

    Mewtwo stared at him.

    "What? It is not that only you can be a fan of it,” said Mew, drawing his razor sharp extra all-purpose catnip.

    Mewtwo's eyes grew wide.

    "What now? I am just a little kitten!" said Mew, impatiently.

    "Talk later, fight now!"

    Mewtwo kicked several guards in the head, knocking the guards, who were startled at the sudden developments.

    "For whaaaaa-" Mew did not get a chance to complete his phrase, as Mewtwo grabbed his brother and flew out of the city.

    Mewtwo rolled his eyes.

    "Your catnip was described as razor sharp and all-purpose. Explanation?" said Mewtwo, trying to change the topic.

    "Woah! You are breaking the fourth wall! Is that allowed?" said Mew, startled.

    Mewtwo stared hard at Mew.

    "Well, I did break it a couple of times, but..." muttered Mew.

    "What has happened? I feel weak... our powers have been taken from us! I have only a little!", said Mewtwo, his speed of flight slowing down.

    "WILL YOU STOP USING THE LAME CLICHES, YOU DIM-WITTED... DENSE... DUMB... DAFT... DIPPY... DORKY... DOLTISH... DOOFUS AUTHORS?" said Mew, flailing its arms around again.

    "Uh... calm down, calm down... let us talk about your interests," said the frightened Mewtwo, trying to calm Mew down.

    "Well, I like the TV Series named Pokem- oops, breaking the fourth wall... I like Samurai Jack!"

    "Ah, it has 8.2 on the IMDb. Looks like you may actually have a good taste!" said Mewtwo, trying to flatter Mew to calm him down.

    "I guess so..."

    "Alright, there should be a small establishment at the foot of Mt. Esttainofrica. We should head there."

    "Googy what?"

    "Never mind. Let's just go there for the night. Can you transform us into humans?"

    "Yes, of course!” said Mew, prepared to show off some skills.

    Mewtwo picked up Mew, who transformed them both into humans - Mewtwo looked about seventeen, with combed black hair and grey eyes, standing straight and looking quite disciplined, while Mew looked like a small boy of about ten, donning short brown hair and hazel, kitten eyes - which he always had and looking spoilt.

    "Aargh! Stop looking so cute and adorable!” said Mewtwo, horrified.

    "What? Is that even possible?"

    "Ah, well, how could I say this to such a cute little bundle of joy and happiness?"

    Mewtwo's eyes grew wide, as he realized what he just said.

    "Wait, what? What did I just say?"


    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    This is our first collaboration, so it might have not gone that well... reviews are appreciated!
    Last edited by Mew The Gato; 25th May 2013 at 4:36 PM.


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    This is sorta okay... The thing is that you need to check on your grammar. You're switching styles of talking for mew, and the fourth wall is sorta overused (even though I've used it in an unposted chapter in my book). So, yeah, just keep working on this. Collaborations are tough, so don't be surprised if it's hard.

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    Chapter 01

    Black text on a black style! Ah.

    The path is clear!" said Mew cautiously.
    Firstly, these two don’t match up. Why use an exclamation mark when the character is speaking cautiously? It doesn’t make much sense. It would be better to remove that to keep the dialogue and the story in-sync.

    His catnip had been stolen by the king... and he had to retrieve it!
    The ellipsis seems out of place here along with the exclamation mark. It seems rather out of place so early into the story since nothing much has happened yet.

    we must sweep them like a mop."
    Hm. Even if just for the rhyme, this doesn’t really make sense.

    I don’t have much of a problem with the rest of it. Perhaps you broke the fourth wall a little much but that isn’t a huge deal. The dialogue was flowed pretty well though it did get a little tiresome at points since it was mainly Mew and Mewtwo just going back and forth trying to outwit the other. Dialogue is certainly your strong point. All you need to do it show more variety in what they are saying really.

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    Pleeeaaase do not change the colour of your font. Like many others, I use a black forum skin, so your fic was impossible to read. Please remove this asap.

    I'm really not sure what you guys are going for, here. You have elements of a parody fic, but you don't seem to be parodying anything in particular. Literary devices such as breaking the fourth wall can be effective, but only if done well. Breaking the fourth wall just for the sake of breaking the fourth wall doesn't contribute anything to your story. The same can also be said for random humour in general - while some readers and writers love random humour, many others don't find it amusing on its own. You have to do more than just be random to make readers laugh. This circles back to my question of what you're trying to parody here - randomly parodying things isn't all that funny on its own because there's no point to it. You need to parody something specific - like a specific writing genre or character type - in order for it to be effective.

    I also notice your story is almost entirely made up of dialogue, and while the dialogue is fun and quip-y, the story really lacks description. You do seem to have a certain genre in mind - medieval - which is a good start, but that means you need to take the time to set the scene and transport the reader into that world. To do that, you need to describe it. You say Mew is infiltrating a castle, so what does it look like? Where it is? What time of day is it? What's the weather like? How many guards are there? How are they dressed? While you don't need to go into as much detail here, some description of the characters helps as well. This includes some basic description of what Mew and Mewtwo look like in their Pokemon forms, and the transformation into their human forms. Also, when describing people, don't just focus on their age, hair colour and eye colour - are they short, tall, wide, thin, athletic, scrawny, pale, tanned? How do they carry themselves - do they stand tall and confident, do their eyes dart about nervously? Don't forget to describe actions and emotions as well, especially during battles, such as the guards looking at each other in confusion while the Pokemon argue in rhyme, or crying out in pain and being knocked onto the ground from Mewtwo's kick.

    Overall, your grammar is pretty good! You mostly have punctuation down, and I didn't see many errors, so you're doing well in that aspect. The were a couple small mistakes, however, such as switching tense. The majority of your fic is in past tense, but sometimes it switched to present, such as:
    The guards draw swords and point it at Mewtwo, unaware the guard next to him is really Mew.
    It should be "drew" and "pointed" and "was," and in
    Mewtwo kicks several guards in the head and knocks them out.
    It should be "kicked" and "knocked." Be sure to proofread your work carefully in the future, and look out for these changes in tense (trust me, I make the same mistake too)!

    In addition, your use of the semicolon isn't always correct, such as:
    "Over with the rhyme, brother, for we do not have time. We have to flee or attack; else we would be crushed into lime."
    The rule of thumb with semicolons is that the phrase on either side of it must be able to stand as a complete sentence. "Else we would be crushed into lime." is not a complete sentence, so either change the semicolon to something like a dash or change this phrase to something like "we don't want to be crushed into lime."

    "What has happened? I feel weak... our powers have been taken from us! I have only a little!", said Mewtwo, weakly.
    Dialogue should only ever have one punctuation mark, and it should be before the quotation marks, so remove the comma here. This is also a place where you need description. Instead of Mewtwo just saying "I feel weak" or saying "Ash looked sad" or "Arceus was excited," describe them looking weak or sad or excited. Mewtwo's body can sag so it's an effort for him to stay standing, tears can be coming from Ash's eyes or Arceus can be jumping around energetically. This kind of "show, don't tell" is a key to writing good stories.


    Another nitpick: I'm going to guess 'Mt. Tryphonladeusfiladadelmartéouniculadus" is a reference to Mount Kilimanjaro? If so, it's a neat idea, but you need to work on the execution of the joke. This is another case of the parody not being all that effective. I had no idea that this was a reference to anything until you had to point it out at the end of the story. A good rule of thumb is that if you have to point out what makes a joke funny after the story, then it's probably not a very good joke. If you want it to be more clear what your made-up mountain is a reference to, take note of how many letters are in "Mount Kilimanjaro" and what kinds of syllables and sounds are in the name, and use a similar number of letters and syllables and sounds. Alternatively, you can take another route, like "Mount Kili-a-man-in-jaro" or "Mount Jarakiloman."



    Anyhow, it sounds like you guys have a solid idea here, but you really need to work on your execution. Remember that comedy doesn't work all that well if you just randomly throw in things you think would be funny. Humour should have a particular aim, such as to parody something specific in a way readers will notice, recognize, and find clever. Also remember to watch your verb tenses, and be sure to add description of places, people, actions and emotions. Your dialogue is great, though, so keep that up!

    I look forward to seeing improvements to this story based on what I said, because I think you guys can do well with this if you put in the effort. I wish you the best of luck!

    ~Psychic

    I'm making 151 Pokémon as cupcakes
    Check out Project Cupcakedex


    ~Psychic's Nerdy Desserts Thread~

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    Quote Originally Posted by Psychic View Post
    Pleeeaaase do not change the colour of your font. Like many others, I use a black forum skin, so your fic was impossible to read. Please remove this asap.

    I'm really not sure what you guys are going for, here. You have elements of a parody fic, but you don't seem to be parodying anything in particular. Literary devices such as breaking the fourth wall can be effective, but only if done well. Breaking the fourth wall just for the sake of breaking the fourth wall doesn't contribute anything to your story. The same can also be said for random humour in general - while some readers and writers love random humour, many others don't find it amusing on its own. You have to do more than just be random to make readers laugh. This circles back to my question of what you're trying to parody here - randomly parodying things isn't all that funny on its own because there's no point to it. You need to parody something specific - like a specific writing genre or character type - in order for it to be effective.

    I also notice your story is almost entirely made up of dialogue, and while the dialogue is fun and quip-y, the story really lacks description. You do seem to have a certain genre in mind - medieval - which is a good start, but that means you need to take the time to set the scene and transport the reader into that world. To do that, you need to describe it. You say Mew is infiltrating a castle, so what does it look like? Where it is? What time of day is it? What's the weather like? How many guards are there? How are they dressed? While you don't need to go into as much detail here, some description of the characters helps as well. This includes some basic description of what Mew and Mewtwo look like in their Pokemon forms, and the transformation into their human forms. Also, when describing people, don't just focus on their age, hair colour and eye colour - are they short, tall, wide, thin, athletic, scrawny, pale, tanned? How do they carry themselves - do they stand tall and confident, do their eyes dart about nervously? Don't forget to describe actions and emotions as well, especially during battles, such as the guards looking at each other in confusion while the Pokemon argue in rhyme, or crying out in pain and being knocked onto the ground from Mewtwo's kick.

    Overall, your grammar is pretty good! You mostly have punctuation down, and I didn't see many errors, so you're doing well in that aspect. The were a couple small mistakes, however, such as switching tense. The majority of your fic is in past tense, but sometimes it switched to present, such as:

    It should be "drew" and "pointed" and "was," and in

    It should be "kicked" and "knocked." Be sure to proofread your work carefully in the future, and look out for these changes in tense (trust me, I make the same mistake too)!

    In addition, your use of the semicolon isn't always correct, such as:

    The rule of thumb with semicolons is that the phrase on either side of it must be able to stand as a complete sentence. "Else we would be crushed into lime." is not a complete sentence, so either change the semicolon to something like a dash or change this phrase to something like "we don't want to be crushed into lime."


    Dialogue should only ever have one punctuation mark, and it should be before the quotation marks, so remove the comma here. This is also a place where you need description. Instead of Mewtwo just saying "I feel weak" or saying "Ash looked sad" or "Arceus was excited," describe them looking weak or sad or excited. Mewtwo's body can sag so it's an effort for him to stay standing, tears can be coming from Ash's eyes or Arceus can be jumping around energetically. This kind of "show, don't tell" is a key to writing good stories.


    Another nitpick: I'm going to guess 'Mt. Tryphonladeusfiladadelmartéouniculadus" is a reference to Mount Kilimanjaro? If so, it's a neat idea, but you need to work on the execution of the joke. This is another case of the parody not being all that effective. I had no idea that this was a reference to anything until you had to point it out at the end of the story. A good rule of thumb is that if you have to point out what makes a joke funny after the story, then it's probably not a very good joke. If you want it to be more clear what your made-up mountain is a reference to, take note of how many letters are in "Mount Kilimanjaro" and what kinds of syllables and sounds are in the name, and use a similar number of letters and syllables and sounds. Alternatively, you can take another route, like "Mount Kili-a-man-in-jaro" or "Mount Jarakiloman."



    Anyhow, it sounds like you guys have a solid idea here, but you really need to work on your execution. Remember that comedy doesn't work all that well if you just randomly throw in things you think would be funny. Humour should have a particular aim, such as to parody something specific in a way readers will notice, recognize, and find clever. Also remember to watch your verb tenses, and be sure to add description of places, people, actions and emotions. Your dialogue is great, though, so keep that up!

    I look forward to seeing improvements to this story based on what I said, because I think you guys can do well with this if you put in the effort. I wish you the best of luck!

    ~Psychic
    Hm... that is strange... I do not remember changing the font... but when I used the edit button, I saw hundreds of coulour tags... I removed all of them... is the font okay now, or is it still black?

    Hm... that is correct. I did not find it too amusing, while TheDarkKnightFalls thought that it was hilarious.

    The reason for so many grammatical mistakes is due to the fact that we decided that to make this kind of story, doing an RP and converting it would be the best way.
    However, it was entirely in present tense and it left behind some mistakes, despite us proof-reading it many times.

    We tried to give it a name which cannot be pronounced easily. I edit it to another name...

    Thank you. We would do our best!
    Last edited by Mew The Gato; 20th May 2013 at 2:47 PM.


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    First reaction: LOL!
    I found very entertaining, and very funny!
    Especially the bit about Assassin's Creed, IMDb and all!
    Add me to the PM List, please!
    Quote Originally Posted by BNator92
    shiny Klefki has the hidden ability GTA where you can jack cabs in Luminose City and transport yourself to various areas without a fee.
    ----
    Quote Originally Posted by HEB View Post
    I think Diancie is the regional mew not Hoopa. Hoopa is more like... Kami trio master or something...
    Quote Originally Posted by Excitable Boy View Post
    maybe it's a Pokemon and not a regional anything

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    Quote Originally Posted by ReshiZekyurem View Post
    First reaction: LOL!
    I found very entertaining, and very funny!
    Especially the bit about Assassin's Creed, IMDb and all!
    Add me to the PM List, please!
    Thank you; we tried our best to make it entertaining and funny, though I guess we shouldn't have rushed into it so quickly. *glances at Blany* I love movies and Assassin's Creed, so I couldn't resist that part.
    Last edited by Volcer; 20th May 2013 at 6:47 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by TheDarkKnightFalls View Post
    Thank you; we tried our best to make it entertaining and funny, though I guess we shouldn't have rushed into it so quickly. *glances at Blany*
    And I think this is too long for a prologue. *glances at TheDarkKnightFalls.* Nor should we leave it in Script form. *glances at TheDarkKnightFalls again.*

    Also, I made some edits.


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    Everybody, Esttainofrica is based on Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakit anatahu in New Zealand. I know it isn't really a mountain, but...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Blany View Post
    Hm... that is strange... I do not remember changing the font... but when I used the edit button, I saw hundreds of coulour tags... I removed all of them... is the font okay now, or is it still black?

    Hm... that is correct. I did not find it too amusing, while TheDarkKnightFalls thought that it was hilarious.

    The reason for so many grammatical mistakes is due to the fact that we decided that to make this kind of story, doing an RP and converting it would be the best way.
    However, it was entirely in present tense and it left behind some mistakes, despite us proof-reading it many times.

    We tried to give it a name which cannot be pronounced easily. I edit it to another name...

    Thank you. We would do our best!
    Thanks for fixing the font - it's back to normal now, and much easier to read!

    Everyone has a different sense of humour, so that's fair. If you're not happy with the humour in your own fic, then you have a great opportunity to learn how to make people laugh and what makes for good humour. Read other humour fics, find books about humour, watch funny shows, listen to comedians, and see what you can learn from them. What works? What doesn't work? Making people laugh isn't an easy thing, but the people who know what they're doing can use humour to make people fall on the floor laughing, and you want to learn how to do the same.

    RPing a story is a fun idea, but it means you have to do a lot of editing if you want to make it into a fan fic. This includes fixing verb tenses as you did, but it also means finding places that need more detail and description. I've been an RPG mod longer than I've been a fan fic mod, and often in RPing you see there's more of an emphasis on dialogue and action than there is on description. This makes sense in the context of a role-play, but turning it into a fic is a whole other story (pun intended), and it means you need to spend a lot of time tweaking it to make it a good fic. This means you have to reread it four or five times before posting it to find all the little mistakes and places that could use improvement. For instance, it's a bad sign that there are still verb tense mistakes, like "several guards run out of the castle" when it should be "ran." Making a good fic takes a lot of time and energy, and you have to be willing to put that in to make it the best it can be.

    On the plus side, I see you've started adding some description, which is great! Unfortunately, you really didn't add very much - I asked questions about the setting to help you guys and give you ideas about what to think about in terms of setting. To reiterate, "What does [the castle] look like? Where it is? What time of day is it? What's the weather like? How many guards are there? How are they dressed?" These are all great questions that you should try to answer in the story using description. If you need inspiration for medieval stuff, you can look at popular TV shows or movies that take place in that kind of setting, like Game of Thrones. Draw inspiration from wherever you can find it, and then use description to bring your ideas to life.


    Quote Originally Posted by TheDarkKnightFalls View Post
    Everybody, Esttainofrica is based on Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakit anatahu in New Zealand. I know it isn't really a mountain, but...
    Ahhhhh, you see I did not realize that you guys were trying to reference this place. Again, it helps to be clear about your references. That said, I personally had never heard of this place before, and maybe other readers have, so maybe it's just me. Pick your references wisely.


    I also want to specify that I did not mean you should make this a parody fic. I said "I'm really not sure what you guys are going for, here" and I added that "You have elements of a parody fic" because of the comedy and breaking the fourth wall. If that's not what you're going for, then make it clear. Again, it helps if your comedy has some kind of direction or point. Don't just randomly break the fourth wall if you don't have a reason to. Either way, I wouldn't recommend you write a parody fic unless you want to parody something specific, so please don't misunderstand.

    Also, you should use a consistent tone throughout the fic. Don't just have humour in a few chapters, then never have any humour again after that. Changing it up will confuse your readers; your prologue needs to set the tone for the entire fic, and based on the prologue readers will know what to expect for the rest of the fic. So if your prologue is very humourous, readers will expect the entire fic to be humourous, and they'll decide whether or not they want to continue reading your fic based on what they saw in the prologue.


    You guys still have a ways to go, but I hope this helps. Remember that writing a good fic takes time and effort, and that's not a bad thing. Take your time to really look at your fic and figure out what you can do to make it the best it can be. Good luck,

    ~Psychic

    I'm making 151 Pokémon as cupcakes
    Check out Project Cupcakedex


    ~Psychic's Nerdy Desserts Thread~

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    I don't really read fanfics, only sometimes. But this has been pretty nice to be honest. Other, way more experienced people gave you hints. Me as a "casual" reader have enjoyed it. =)

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    Quote Originally Posted by Nightstar1994 View Post
    I don't really read fanfics, only sometimes. But this has been pretty nice to be honest. Other, way more experienced people gave you hints. Me as a "casual" reader have enjoyed it. =)
    Thanks but... mind telling us what you liked about it?

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