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  1. #1
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    Default The Quest of Justice and Truth

    This is my second time posting and writing a fan-fic (the other time being a short story for a Guardians of Ga'Hoole forum), so I am relatively new at this. Please enjoy the story!

    P.S. I may change the title of the story once it progresses, so please don't get mixed up with which story is which if I decide to do so! Just wanted you all to know! Oh, and I would love any feedback on how the story is and how it could be better, since I may want to become a writer once I grow up. And by the way, I am thirteen in case you were wondering. Alright, enough with my ramblings! Let the fun begin!

    Chapter One: A Chase Begins

    The night was dark and eerie. The clouds hung low to the ground while the Serperior, Charizard, Pikachu, and Cyndaquil all raced along, in a hurry to run away from the horrible humans chasing them. The Pokemon seemed to be in a distressed state, and the Cyndaquil's paw seemed to be badly hurt. They hurried down an alleyway in the effort to make it back to their safe home, but the humans behind them were racing towards them with eager hands. They were scared.

    "Guys, hurry! We have almost made it!" the Pikachu said, trembling with fear.

    "Oh no! It is starting to rain," the Charizard said in a trembling voice, "the fire on my tail mustn't go out!"

    "Mine either!" Cyndaquil wailed.

    "Don't worry...we will make it! Follow me!" The Serperior yelled over the harsh wind and rain that had just begun showering over the city.

    The humans yelled after them: "You Pokémon will be ours! Don't worry, we won't hurt you, we just want to battle you."

    "Yeah, right." Cyndaquil thought to herself. "They want to lock us up in those tiny things they call 'Poke Balls.' Who would want to live in those things to only be beat up in battles every day with some stupid humans taking care of us? We are far more intelligent than them!"

    "There...I can see it! Our home! We just have to race through that door! Hurry!" Pikachu quickly cried.

    The Pikachu sounded the call, and they all raced through the door, just narrowly escaping the greedy trainers' fingertips. They then locked the door with the secret key Pikachu always carried with him.

    "Phew, that was close. Is everyone all right?"

    "Yes, Pikachu. I am. But is Cyndaquil? She looks like she is badly hurt..." The Serperior said nervously.

    "I'm ok...OWWWW!"

    "No, you aren't." Your leg looks very badly wounded. Here, let me get you some bandages..."

    The Serperior took off into the darkness of the secret room, which could only be accessed through a rather small crack in the wall. Charizard and Serperior could just barely squeeze through it. The walls and floor was cracked and dusty, and there was a rather small pile of food (garbage) on the floor in the corner of the room. The only light came from the flickering fire on Charizard's tail.

    "Charizard, can you please come here? I could use some light...I can't see a thing."

    "Sure thing, Serperior!"

    "No no, I am fine...really," Cyndaquil pleaded.

    "I can tell you are wincing, Cyndaquil. Stop trying to be so tough. Everyone gets hurt once in a while...it's a part of life! But not a pleasant part unfortunately..." Serperiors's sentence trailed off.

    Cyndaquil just turned her back from Serperior, and ignored her.

    "Ah, here's some! Thanks Charizard."

    "No problem, Serperior."

    "Here you go, Cyndaquil." Serperior said while applying the bandage to Cyndaquil's wound. "This scrap of bandage should be just enough to cover up your wound. I am so glad that we found this in the dumpster last week...now, how did this get hurt again?"

    "I tripped on a stupid rock...that's all." Cyndaquil replied, now trying to turn her back from Serperior. She clearly didn't want any help from her.

    "Hmmm... well, I am glad it isn't anything super serious. Now, how about I get you some water?"

    But no sooner had Serperior said that when the roof of the building started to shake.

    "Huh? What is that? Is it thunder?" Pikachu said hesitantly.

    But it wasn't thunder...it was those pesky humans again!

    "You didn't think we could get into this old shed did you? Well you guys must've forgot that we could move the roof of it! And why is there no door leading into this thing anyway?"

    While the human pondered about this question, he took his eyes off of the Pokémon for just a moment, giving them a chance to escape.

    "Charizard, let us hop onto your back! You can fly us to safety!"

    "I-I'm sorry...but I can't. I am too weak...the fire on my tail is starting to go out..."

    "Mine too", Cyndaquil said weakly.

    "Oh no! Well... lets run! If we are quick, we may be able to get to that forest over there! Lets head out!"

    They ran through the small crack in the shed until they reached the fence separating them from the forest.

    "How are we supposed to get over this? We can't go out the door we usually go because it leads to a different part of town!" Cyndaquil yelled. Serperior was letting her ride on her back.

    "Serperior can slither us over this in no time, and Charizard can easily climb over it. No big deal."

    So they did, but the pesky humans knew how to climb over it as well.

    "Grrr...they followed us! On to plan B. Follow me over to that cave!" Pikachu cried.

    The Pokemon ran over to the cave in five seconds flat, and ran inside of it.

    "Charizard, your tail is almost out; and Cyndaquil, your back's fire is almost out as well. Are you ok?"

    "Yeah, we'll be fine..." Cyndaquil weakly said.

    "No, you won't be. You are coughing and hacking up a storm! You can't even walk right!"

    "Shhh...they are coming!" Serperior hissed.

    "Where did those ridiculous Pokémon go...could they have gone into that cave? Lets go find out." The human boy said to his friends.

    "No...NO!" Pikachu thought desperately.

    "We must DO something, Pikachu! But what?" Serperior said, worried.

    "Don't worry, I've got a plan. You see that small crack behind us? Well, we must get through it!"

    "But how will Charizard and I EVER get through there?" She replied back.

    "Don't worry, we will. Just squeeze through it tightly! Go, go, go!" Pikachu was clearly very confident with his plan.

    "Hey...I heard some Pokémon whispering over there. Lets go look!"

    The humans hurried over to the area that they had thought they had heard Pokémon coming from, only to find that no one was there.

    "Hmmm...well that was weird. Lets go check over there!"

    Unknown to the humans, the Pokémon were all squished tightly behind the area that the crack had been seen.

    "Phew, that was close. But lets stay here just a little longer in case they come back." Pikachu warned the others.

    But luckily, they didn't. The Pokémon then slowly crawled out from behind the crack, and lay down to finally sleep.

    The next morning, the Pokémon crawled out of the cave to see a horrible site.

    "What happened here?!" Serperior shrieked.

    "I-I don't know..."

    The forest trees and grass were scorched and burnt. There were flames bursting from all sides of the Pokémon. The thick scent of smoke hung in the air. It was a terrible site.

    "This is awful! We must get out of here!" Pikachu said, astonished at the site.

    "But what about all of the poor Pokémon whose homes have been ruined? We can't just leave them!" Serperior quickly said back.

    Miniccino, Aipom, Onix, Pachirisu and more were all scattered everywhere in the need of help. Their only home had been destroyed.

    "We need to find some water Pokémon, and fast!" Charizard said.

    "Hey, look! There is some human already out there with his Dewott! It looks like it is using the move Water Gun to put out the fire!" Cyndaquil said observantly.

    "A human forcing that poor Pokémon to do what he tells it too? That's just terrible! You will never catch me dead with one of those trainers!" Pikachu said with a hint of disgust in his voice.

    "Hey, that was quick! The fire has already been put out!"

    "Good observation, Charizard! This is just perfect! Now we can leave and go home!"

    "Alright...if you say so Pika-"

    But Charizard's sentence was interrupted by a Pachirisu racing in circles around the four friends.

    "Hey, what's the big idea?" Cyndaquil huffed.

    "Leave him alone, Cyndaquil. He is just being how a Pachirisu should be, playful!"

    "Yeah, well he is also being annoying as well... he better stop before I use the move Flame Thrower on him."

    "Cyndaquil! Can't you learn to play nice?"

    "Yes, can't you, Cyndaquil?"

    "Huh? I don't know that voice..."

    Pikachu and his friends turned around, to see someone they had never seen before...
    Last edited by Cassafrass1999; 19th July 2013 at 8:35 PM.
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

  2. #2
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    Chapter 01

    Skipping some bits but:

    and they all raced through the crack, just narrowly escaping the greedy trainers' fingertips.
    How could a Charizard get through the crack but not people?

    The night was dark and eerie. The clouds hung low to the ground while the Serperior, Charizard, Pikachu, and Cyndaquil all raced along, in a hurry to run away from whatever was chasing them. They seemed to be in a distressed state, and the Cyndaquil's paw seemed to be badly hurt. They hurried down an alleyway in the effort to make it back to their safe home, but the humans behind them were racing towards them with eager hands. They were scared.
    Okay, okay, okay. While there is nothing inherently wrong with this paragraph, I think you could make this feel a lot tenser. The way you describe their situation as they’re running away lessens it. “The Pokemon are currently running away from whatever it was that were chasing them.” That decreases the tension by a lot in my opinion. It makes it feel whatever is chasing them isn’t that big of a deal to the reader. Furthermore, you reveal what’s chasing them, like, two sentences later so there was no reason to hide whoever they were in the first place.

    the Pikachu said in his Pika voice.
    You should probably leave out descriptions of Pikachu using their Pika voice. Primarily because “Pika” doesn’t give much of a description of the tone of the voice but instead tells us that all he said was “Pika pika pika pi” in real life. You should stick with adjectives that describe his emotions so we know how he feels and to what degree.

    worry...we
    Space after the ellipsis.

    'Poke Balls'.
    The period goes inside of the quotation marks.

    We are far more smart than them!"
    You should reword “far more smart” to “far more intelligent” or “far smarter.”

    And why is there no door leading into this thing anyway?"

    "Some mysteries will never be answered," one of his friends replied simply.
    This comes off as a bit awkward. Almost out of place considering the mood you seem to want to portray with the Pokemon running for their lives and such.

    "A human who is actually using is Pokémon for something he could have been doing himself? How terrible! I pity his Dewott...but anyways, I think there isn't much left to do, since the fire has puzzlingly almost stopped! The water Pokémon have already begun putting out the fire! That was quick...but anyways, I guess it is ok if we leave now."
    There are a couple of things funny about this line. I’m going to the first part of it since that may be a characters issue that you seem to be trying to instill in the Pokemon. It’s the part of the quotation after “Dewott” that’s getting me. He simply moves from the Dewott topic so nonchalantly. “I don’t agree with what this human is doing, nut I will ignore him an move onto the next topic.” Then you give us this weird line where the fire has almost puzzling stopped but it’s not so puzzling. We find out that the Pokemon have been putting it out as revealed in the next sentence. It makes it very weird to read that since it makes whoever is speaking look kind of slow.

    Continuing on, you should note who is speaking and when you have a large group of people speaking. It helps the reader keep track of who is saying what.. You can see my confusion above when I’m critiquing someone’s line but I don’t even know who is speaking. Also, do not capitalize entire words or sentences. An exclamation mark at the end of the sentence has the same effect and it looks nicer.

    It seems like the idea of the story is pretty good. You have to fix some grammar mistakes and work on your description though. Dialogue should not be 90% of your chapter in this set-up. Your dialogue is okay for the most part. Some lines come off as a little clunky but it isn’t too bad for the most part. I can’t wait to see the next chapters since the apparent premise seems very interesting.

    Fighting for real American turtles everywhere. Pro-Turtle since 6/30/13

  3. #3
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    Thanks for your advice, Vern! I will try to fix all of that most likely tomorrow...so keep your eye out for my next chapter to appear! ;D
    Last edited by Cassafrass1999; 30th May 2013 at 5:19 AM.
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

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    I fixed those mistakes and made some changes to chapter one, Vern, so anyone who has already read that chapter may want to reread it again before they read this new chapter! Please tell me if I missed anything and if you think the chapter looks better now than it did before! Thanks!

    Chapter 02: The Chosen Ones are Revealed

    "Hey, who are you?" Pikachu asked curiously. "I've never seen a Pokémon like you before!"

    The Pachirisu ran off the moment Pikachu said this.

    "Well, you have now. My name is Samurott. We are quite rare since we are usually only given to trainers at the start of their "journeys" as they call them. They try to collect as many Pokemon as they can, and do an endless amount of battles, so they will become the best trainer of all trainers! I think that is absolute rubbish! I was given to a trainer as an Oshawott about three years ago, and oh how he treated me! It was just horrible... I can't even describe it. He fed me nothing but grass, and he forced me to battle day and night, and-"

    "Ok, ok, I can see that you have a terrible backstory, but we kinda got to get going here, you know?" Cyndaquil hurriedly said.

    "Cyndaquil!" Pikachu sharply said back to her.

    "Oh no, it's quite all right. I understand. But I have something very important I must tell you. Do you mind coming with me to my home for a while? I will feed you and get you back in shape. You seem to have had a rough night."

    "Oh, that would be just great sir! Thank you." Serperior told this seemingly wise "Samurott" as he called himself.

    The Samurott led them to another part of the forest, not too far from where the cave they had slept in the night before was located. When they arrived at the destination, they found that the Samurott lived in a very large tree, and were led through a large hole on the front of it. The walls were lined with a staircase that led to the very top of the tree, and bottles of what seemed to be potions were set on tables in the middle of the room.

    "Please follow me up here, to my observatory at the top of the tree, all of you." The Samurott said gently. "Watch your step, this old staircase is a little rickety."

    They climbed up the thick oak stairs until they reached the top. This took awhile since there were many, many stair steps to climb up since the tree was so tall. There were many windows leading up the stairs, and there was a railing to hold onto so you could keep your balance while climbing up the stairs. Once they reached the top, they opened a large wooden door which led into a very nice, furnished room.

    "Wow... you've got a nice place here, sir! I very much enjoy it!"

    "Why thank you! Your name is Charizard, is it?"

    "Yup, that's me!" Charizard chuckled.

    "Well, we are here!" Samurott proudly announced.

    The observatory, as he called it, was very large and surrounded by the leaves of the great tree. There was a large telescope in the corner of the room, and you could see the blue sky with the sun shining brightly overhead.

    "Wow...it's nice up here! Where did you get that neat telescope?" Serperior asked curiously.

    "I made it myself. You like it? It took me a whole year to find the right materials to create it!" The Samurott happily announced.

    "Yes, I like it very much! I think Pikachu likes it too," Serperior giggled.

    Pikachu was looking at the telescope very curiously, and seemed almost entranced by it for some reason.

    "Well that's good!" A great voice boomed out, and scared the four Pokemon half to death!

    "Who do you think you are, scaring us like that, you big overgrown pig... thing!" Cyndaquil quickly puffed as she usually did, looking very annoyed at the Pokémon who had disturbed their peace and quite.

    Standing in front of the Pokémon was a large Pokémon that looked like a giant boar. He stood on two feet, and had fire and swirling designs all over its body.

    "Woah there, missy! I am Emboar, and I am definitely not just an overgrown pig!"

    "I am so sorry sir, Cyndaquil can be a little too... straightforward at times, I guess you could say. Please excuse her." Pikachu said innocently.

    "What?! Why, you!" Cyndaquil said with an angry look on her face.

    "It's ok, Pikachu. I understand. But as I can see, you are a fire type like me! How amazing is that?" The Emboar was clearly trying his hardest to make friends with Cyndaquil.

    "I don't want your sweet talk... I don't like the looks of you." Cyndaquil said bluntly back.

    "Woah, hold on everybody. Emboar is my dear friend, and has a good heart. Please try to be nice to him, ok?" Samurott said softly, but sternly to Cyndaquil.

    "Fine, whatever." Cyndaquil said, and then stuck her tongue out at Emboar.

    Serperior sighed and thought to herself: "This is going to be a long week..."

    The Samurott then asked the Pokémon if they wanted some tea. They of course said "yes", and the Samurott hurriedly went to fetch it. As soon as he had and the Pokémon got settled with their tea, he began asking them loads of questions. They just politely told him the answers to them, while the Samurott intently listened. He seemed to be hiding something.

    "So, what are your favorite foods?" The Samurott asked the Pokémon seemingly innocently.

    All of a sudden, Cyndaquil got up, enraged.

    "This is the 5th billionth question you have asked us today! How long is this going to go on for?! You are hiding something, and I know it! You seem like some big old creep!"

    "Cyndaquil! How dare you say that to this kind Samurott?!" Pikachu quickly said to Cynadaquil.

    "Well, I don't care! Doesn't he seem kind of fishy to you? Come on sir, hurry up and spit it out! What is your secret?!" Cyndaquil stared hard at this Samurott, awaiting his answer.

    The room went silent for a split second, and then the Samurott spoke.

    "I-I have something to tell you. You are the Chosen Ones."

    "What do you think you are talking about?! The Chosen who's?!" Cyndaquil huffed.

    "The Chosen One's. You are going to save all Pokekind, and restore peace to the world. You see, these evil humans are getting out of hand. Just stealing us, Pokémon, just for the fun of it, and training us to hurt others of our kind! It is just unnatural, and must be stopped before it is too late!"

    "Woah, woah, woah. Hold it right there. So you mean to tell us that we are going to save the world?! But how?!" Charizard asked the Samurott curiously.

    "Yes, you four are. You are the only ones who can do it. I have been studying you all ever since you were little. I knew where you have lived all your lives. You see, I am not only three years old, as you have probably been thinking based on when I told you that trainer captured me in his little "Poke Ball" so many years ago, but 50. I had been one of the first Oshawott's ever, since we are a newer species. But the humans have just discovered us around three years ago. We were very good ninjas, and knew how to keep ourselves hidden from the pesky humans, until one day... yes, one day when an Oshawott, Dewott, or Samurott (we do not know which), gave us away. So you see, we are a very valiant species, but that does not mean that we are better than any other Pokémon. My point is that these so called 'trainers' cannot just keep going on like this. We must rise against them, in the battle of justice and truth!"

    "But why us? Why are we so "special" as to be the Chosen Ones?" Pikachu curiously asked the Dewott.

    "Because you are special. As I had said, I've been watching you. You four show great excellence! You must find Reshiram and Zekrom! They will help you with the rest of your journey!"

    "Wait, you want us to find Reshiram and Zekrom?!" Pikachu cried in an alarming manner. "Do you even know how powerful they are? They would literally crush us in battle! We can't just go and awaken them! And how will be able to find their special stones like the legends all state?!"

    "I know it may seem a bit far-fetched to you now, but soon you will understand what I mean by you being the Chosen Ones. Come, let us go to bed, for it is getting dark, but you will set off on your journey at sundown tomorrow!"
    Last edited by Cassafrass1999; 10th June 2013 at 3:12 AM.
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

  5. #5
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    Chapter 02, Chapter 02, Chapter 02

    so they will become the best trainer of all trainers
    “So they can become.” I would replace “of all trainers” with “in the world.” It sounds less, hmmm, redundant. Think of it like this: when someone says they want to be the best, for this instance Pokemon training, they say “in the world.” In other cases, they may say that they want to be the best in their town, department, in their school, etc. Usually they give us an area where they want to be the best. It’s already implied that they want to be the best trainer of all trainers when they say they want to be the best. Telling us in what area (location usually) gives us clarity as to what extent they want to be the best.

    horrible...I
    Space after the ellipsis.

    (oh, how I hate grass!)
    I don’t believe that you should include this quotation. Considering that he’s complaining about his trainer and telling them how terrible the time was, we can assume that every experience he has was a bad one including grass eating.

    the largest they had ever seen anyway
    No need for “anyway” to be here. You didn’t suggest that it was the largest tree in the world or anything. You just said that it was large and that’s good enough.

    "Please follow me up here, to my observatory at the top of the tree, all of you. Watch your step, this old staircase is a little rickety." . . . "Well, we are here!" Dewott proudly announced.
    You should have a description of the events going on here (and in other places of the chapter as well). It makes things easier for the reader to follow and helps give the reader an image as to where they are and what everyone is doing.

    in on corner of the room,
    In the corner.

    half scaring the four Pokémon to death!
    It would be best to reword this as “scared the four Pokemon half to death.” The way you have it written now makes it seem like he half-scared them yet they were still going to die. You’d have to figure out how much the trainers chasing them made them feel. Maybe quarter-scaring them?

    "Who do you think you are, scaring us like that, you big overgrown pig... thing!"
    I figured this was Cyndaquil but it would be easier to just put who said what after a period of time where no character has spoken or short period has passed and another character speaks up.

    You are the Chosen Ones," The Dewott Proudly announced to the four Pokémon
    “proudly.” And whoa. Where did the “chosen one” business come from? I guess you wanted to surprise the reader there but it came out of nowhere. There was no foreshadowing involved. You need to drop little hints about things like this. It’s fine if you want them to be the chosen ones but you can’t just drop it out of the blue. Unlike real life where things like that can (won’t) happen, you need to plant the seeds of there being a possibility of that happening. I want to make a tree analogy but I can’t word it correctly right now.

    We were very good ninjas, and knew how to keep ourselves hidden from the pesky humans
    I think this would be better if you just stuck with them knowing how to keep themselves hidden from humans.

    "trainers" can not just keep going on like this. We must rise against them, in the battle of Justice and Truth!"
    Cannot. ‘Trainers’ with the single apostrophes since it’s already within quotation marks. Is there any need to capitalize “Truth” and “Justice” or did you just do so because of the title? If it’s the latter then you should probably keep them lowercase.

    Pretty similar to your previous chapter. More narration would be a welcome addition to your story and re-reading after a day or two will help you catch some of the smaller errors. I personally think this is an improvement over your last chapter but I still feel you can do better. You should try working narration into one of your previous chapters (meaning re-write it with more narration ) and see how it comes out to yourself first.

    Fighting for real American turtles everywhere. Pro-Turtle since 6/30/13

  6. #6
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    Alright, chapter 02 has been fixed, and many parts have been changed completely. It would probably be worth another read so you can see if it is any better then before, thanks.

    I made the part where the Samurott (he is not a Dewott anymore, he wasn't supposed to be in the first place but I mixed up my Pokémon and their names. Oh well), where he is talking about the battle of Justice and Truth, and made the words lowercase. Thanks for all your help with everything by the way, Vern. I really appreciate it!

    Chapter 03: A Journey Begins

    The next morning, the Samurott helped the Pokémon get ready for their journey across Unova. He helped pack food, water, bandages, and other items they needed for their journey to continue. All the while, the Pokémon kept hearing a racket in the back room of the tree, which the Samurott claimed is where he kept his valuables and other goods, but the four Pokémon weren't so sure.

    "Fess up, Samurott!" Cyndaquil yelled at the old Samurott in a medling way. "What is in the back room? There must be something back there, because I keep hearing a racket!"

    "Well... you weren't supposed to know about her quite yet, but I suppose now is as good a time as any for me to reveal her to you four." The Samurott answered.

    "Her?!" Cyndaquil gasped.

    "Yes, her. Meet Eevee!"

    The old Samurott brought out a small creature that looked like a small brown puff-ball with legs. The little thing looked both sweet and ornery, but either way she sure was cute!

    "Awww...she is the cutest little thing I have ever seen!" Serperior sweetly said.

    "Yeah, yeah, whatever. But what does she have to do with us?" Cyndaquil asked Samurott, while rolling her eyes at Serperior.

    "Well, I was wondering if you could take her on your journey with you. She is still young, as I found her as an egg in the middle of the forest, and it seemed to have been abandoned by her mother. So I brought her back to my tree, and began to raise her, and her egg soon hatched. I have only had her for about a month or so, but between that time and now she has been quite a handful. Could you please take her and raise her for me? I have a feeling she will become a very good friend and helpful ally to you."

    The Pokémon didn't know what to say. They just looked at the little Eevee, who couldn't even barely talk yet. She looked pleadingly into their eyes with a look of pure love and innocence.

    "OK, we would love to take her! I have a feeling that she will fit in just perfect with us!" Pikachu announced.

    The Eevee just pounced around on the floor, crying words that could not be decoded. But one thing was for sure, and that was that she was happy! She tumbled around and around on the floor, in the cutest little way.

    "Well, she is cute. That's all I have to say." Charizard said.

    The Eevee just smiled at Charizard.

    "Well, you better get started on your journey, since you have a long one at that." The Samurott began saying. "All of your things are packed and ready to go. I hope to see you again in the future, since I very enjoyed your stay. Come back after your journey ends, alright?"

    "We will make sure to, Samurott. Don't worry! See you on the flip side!" Pikachu cried out.

    All of the other Pokémon said their goodbyes, but Samurott took Eevee a minute to talk and say bye to her alone. The four Pokémon could not hear what he was saying, for he had brought her outside to talk to her, but through the window the Pokémon could see that he was crying ever so gently while he hugged the Eevee one last time until they would meet again. About five minutes later he came back, fully recomposed, and told the Pokémon that they were free to go now. So the long and hard journey began.

    The Pokémon had no clue where or how to start their journey off, so they just went by the legends: The legendary Pokémon Zekrom's and Reshiram's stones were hidden in the Dragonspiral Tower, so that was where they decided to go first. They thought it was a absolutely ridiculous idea that they would ever awaken Reshiram and Zekrom, but they just went along with the old Samurott's accusations about them being the "Chosen Ones" anyways.

    Dragonspiral Tower was quite a ways from the forest which was where they were located at the time, so it would be a long and hard journey before they reached their destination.

    They were flying on the back of Charizard, on the middle of his back in between his great wings. The sky was sunny and cloudless at the moment, but heavy clouds were starting to come into view in the distance.

    "Pikachu, are we almost there yet?" Cyndaquil wailed.

    "We have only been traveling for an hour, Cyndaquil!" Pikachu replied, rolling his eyes at her. "You can't expect us to be there yet! It may take days, weeks even until we reach the Tower, even with Charizard flying us there!"

    "Oh... well I thought it would take a lot less longer than that to get us there!"

    Pikachu just sighed at the Cyndaquil.

    "Eevee, are you ok? You seem like you aren't feeling too good... here, have some water." Serperior tried to comfort her.

    "Is Eevee already home sick, or maybe even flying sick?" Pikachu asked Serperior with a nervous look on his face.

    "Could be... maybe we should land on the ground and let her have some rest for a bit. We don't want to tucker her out so much that she can't travel at all soon!" Serperior said back.

    "Ok, maybe for a little bit. But then we must get back on track with our journey!" Pikachu said, a little annoyed, but he new that his friend's health always comes first, before any silly little journey.

    The area they stopped to rest at was a large field of flowers, with only one tree in the middle of it. Under this tree, the five friends rested and had some lunch. The clouds that had been starting to come in earlier were starting to get nearer, and were becoming darker than ever.

    "Hey, guys? You may want to take a look at those clouds... they seem a little ominous." Cyndaquil said, hesitantly.

    "You're right, Cyndaquil." Pikachu said back. "Maybe we should pack up and try to outfly the storm?"

    "But Eevee isn't feeling well just quite yet!" Serperior said, being very protective of Eevee. "She looks like she is still pretty sick... don't you see how weak she is just trying to stand up?"

    The poor thing was trying to stand up, but every time it did it just toppled over because it was too weak.

    "Well, we better think of something fast, since that storm looks like it could hit at any moment!" Charizard said observantly.

    "Well, we could hide in that large drainage pipe over there. I know it may not be the cleanest, but at least we would stay dry!" Pikachu quickly said.

    So the friends hurried and ran over to the pipe, with Charizard just being able to sqeeze into it. The friends then closed their eyes for one second, and then found themselves asleep...
    Last edited by Cassafrass1999; 19th July 2013 at 10:11 PM.
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

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    Chapter 03

    That was a very fast update.

    He helped pack food, water, bandages, and whatever they needed for their journey to continue.
    Instead of putting “whatever” in the sentence you can change it to “and other items for their journey to continue.” Putting “other items” seems like less than a hand wave than “whatever.”

    Cyndaquil said, surprised.
    Instead of going with the “said” route, you could just put “gasped.”

    I have my problems with the Eevee dumping that happened in this chapter. Considering that they’re the chosen ones and our going on a journey to save the entirety of the Pokemon world, I don’t know what good a newborn Eevee is going to do for the group especially considering the attitude that it was described to have and the fact that they have to raise it as well.

    alright
    I don’t know if this is counted as an actual word yet. Last I checked it wasn’t but it may have changed since the last time I checked,

    Zekrom
    Unless they share the same stone, it should be “Zekrom’s.”

    Dragonspiral Tower was quite a ways from White Forest, which was where they were located at the time
    I didn’t realize they were in an actual location. You should’ve given us the information much earlier in the story. It was okay at first since I thought that they were in a random forest but knowing that they’re in an actual, canon location with a set distance kind of makes a difference for me.

    Also, you should’ve mentioned that Charizard was flying them towards the tower. I initially thought that they were walking there.

    but little did the friends know that a storm was coming.
    It kind of seemed that they did when they immediately noticed the clouds and made a plan to get out of the storm’s way. There really wasn’t any point to this line in my opinion since they did end up seeing it coming and acted accordingly.

    Anyway, I thought this was a step up from your previous chapter. Your description still needs a little work but it’s certainly better than what you started out with in chapter one. There were still some grammatical errors in the story and I stress that these can be caught quite easily by reading over your work a few days after completing it. This can also help with adding details and fixing up any awkward sounding dialogue.

    Fighting for real American turtles everywhere. Pro-Turtle since 6/30/13

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    Alright, thanks for the help, I really appreciate it!

    More on the Eevee will most likely be in the next couple of chapters, and will probably be more important soon as well. I just thought she would be a cute way to mix up the story. :3

    When I get the time (most likely tomorrow), I will fix those mistakes and such. Thanks again! You have been a HUGE help to me! I am so glad at least one person likes my story!

    P.S. Did you like the new version of Chapter 02? I am just not sure if you read it or not, and it would probably be good to do so if you haven't already since it has been changed drastically by some points.
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

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    Yes, I read it. As I said before, it's a step up from your previous version. The description, though limited, made things a little clearer and you eased into the "chosen one" business a little better than before.

    Fighting for real American turtles everywhere. Pro-Turtle since 6/30/13

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    Alright, thanks for the info Vern. :3 Here is Chapter 04!

    Chapter 04: The Legendary Stones Are Found!

    "It sure has been raining hard out there... I hope it stops soon so we can continue on our journey." Charizard worriedly said.

    It was now evening, and the five Pokémon were still taking shelter inside the old pipe. It was cold and clammy inside of it, and it was very dark. There was some dirty water slowly making its way outside from deep inside of it. The only light came from the flickering of Charizard's tail, and from the fire that was on Cyndaquil's back.

    "It sure is, Charizard... but right now I am worried about Eevee. She seems like she is in very much pain." Serperior said quietly.

    "Eevee... are you all right?" Pikachu slowly asked.

    The Eevee just looked at him with a scared look in her eyes.

    "Well, we should all get some sleep. It is going to be a long day tomorrow, and hopefully Eevee will be better by then." Pikachu commented, already curling himself into a little ball so he could get comfortable.

    So the Pokémon all lay down to sleep until the next morning.

    The next day, the Pokémon all got up. Outside was a mess from the previous storm, but at least it had finally stopped raining.

    "Hey... where is Eevee!?" Serperior asked, looking around in panic.

    "I don't know... we better go look for her!" Pikachu said back.

    "Hey, could that be her over there?" Cyndaquil said, speaking up for the first time all day.

    In the distance from within the pipe, they could see a shadowy figure moving back and forth all over the place. It seemed to be in a distressed state, and looked like some kind of Pokémon.

    "I don't know... let's go find out!" Charizard said, already making his way towards the figure.

    As soon as they came up to the Pokémon, they stopped and just looked at it, shocked.

    "Eevee... is that you?" Charizard asked quietly.

    In front of them was an Umbreon, with a nervous look on its face. It was the most beautiful Umbreon they had ever seen.

    "It looks like she evolved! But why so soon? She is only a month old, and can't even talk yet!" Pikachu said with a puzzled look on his face.

    "I-I can talk now", the Umbreon began, "but what has happened to me? I don't even know what I am! I am supposed to be an Eevee, not... this!" She gestured to herself.

    "You can talk now! That's great!" Serperior started saying. "But what you are now is an Umbreon, which is a Pokémon that levels up at night from high friendship I have heard... that must have been why you weren't feeling good last night! And all of us fussing over how you were feeling must have made you evolve, since we were being so kind to you!"

    "Yes... and I want to thank you all for your kindness. But I guess my name isn't Eevee anymore. It is now Umbreon!" She giggled.

    "Yes, but that doesn't explain why you evolved so quickly", Pikachu said, puzzled. "You don't seem to be any usual Eevee, Umbreon. There is something very special about you, that's for sure, but I can't place what exactly it is!"

    "Oh stop, you are making me blush!" Umbreon embarrassingly said. "But anyways, thanks all of you. But don't worry about me... we have a journey to continue on!"

    The friends then continued on their journey on the back of Charizard. The day was beautiful, and thankfully there were no signs of rain. It was what you would call a perfect day!

    Their journey continued for a couple more days, with small stops to rest and sleep in between. Luckily there was no interruptions, excluding some more rain showers, but they finally arrived at Dragonspiral Tower!

    "We are finally here! It feels like we have been traveling for weeks on end!" Cyndaquil wailed.

    "Yes, we know Cyndaquil, we know", Pikachu mused, "you complained about it every single chance you could on our journey here."

    "Guys, stop arguing. We are finally here, at the giant tower itself! Now we just have to climb to the top, take the stones, and hopefully they will recognize us as the true heroes and awaken!" Serperior said triumphantly.

    They started walking through the great doors of the tower, into the ruins of the structure. The first room they walked into was very dusty, with rubble from the building everywhere. Every step they took a great 'creek' sounded and echoed throughout the tower.

    "This place is really creepy... I hope we can make this visit quick!" Charizard said with a nervous look on his face.

    "Hey, there are Pokémon in here! Look, Zubat! Maybe they can-"

    But Pikachu was cut off as the swarms of Zubat came flooding towards the poor Pokemon. They had to duck to escape being hit by them!

    "Lets hurry up and get to the next room!" Cyndaquil cried.

    "Look, I see the way out!" Umbreon observed. "We just have to climb up those stairs, and close the door at the top of them to keep the Zubat from following us in! Hurry!"

    The Pokemon hurried and went through the doorway that led to the stairs. They then went up them and closed the door, just barely escaping the Zubats.

    "What was wrong with them? Cyndaquil pondered. "They were acting almost like they weren't thinking straight..."

    "I don't know Cyndaquil, but lets just hurry and get to the top of this tower!" Pikachu said, panting from the chase they had just had.

    The Pokemon then went through the next room, which seemed to be some ancient maze.

    "How are we ever going to get through this?" Serperior said, worried. "There are so many twists, turns, and dead ends..."

    "Don't worry... we will figure this out!" Pikachu said, trying to cheer up the rest of the gang.

    "Too bad Charizard couldn't just fly us over to the other side of the room, but the wall is too low in here for him to do so..." Umbreon said. She was clearly thinking hard about how to get through this puzzlingly hard maze.

    "Hey, look!" Cyndaquil said suddenly. "It's a Yamask! He is going through the maze effortlessly!"

    "Maybe we should watch him!" Pikachu spoke up. "Maybe he knows the easiest way to go through this maze."

    So the Pokémon all sat and watched the Yamask, who was paying no attention to the four Pokémon.

    "I see..." Charizard began. "He seems to be going straight through the whole maze, without stepping an inch away from the center of it! He is gliding effortlessly through the walls!"

    "Wow... I don't know how he is doing that, but let's go try it out ourselves!" Pikachu said, already starting to get up.

    The Pokémon all made it through the maze, doing exactly what the Yamask had - by staying in the center of the room, so they could glide right through the walls of the maze!

    After they had finally gotten through the maze, they made it to the next room - the room that held Zekrom's and Reshiram's sacred stones!

    "Look... there they are!" Pikachu cried. "The stones! Both Zekrom's and Reshiram's! Lets hurry and grab them, and then get out of here!"

    The Pokemon did just that, but when they went near the stones, they started shaking violently...
    Last edited by Cassafrass1999; 19th July 2013 at 10:17 PM.
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

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    Chapter 04

    Before I move on to the next chapter, I want to make another comment about foreshadowing in general. It should be done at little bit earlier in the story than just a few paragraphs above the revelation a lot of the time. It helps a lot if you plan out the major plot points/revelations in advance so you can set up little hints better for your readers to try and catch.

    There are a lot of grammatical errors that I’ve previously pointed out in previous reviews so I won’t point them out again. Honestly, you’re releasing your chapters too quickly at this point since this seems to be an ongoing trend. Your profile says you’re only thirteen so maybe you’re not a grammar genius yet (well, not many people are) but I’m sure that you’ve written essays at this point in your life. You should treat your chapters like essays: read them after you’re done writing them. It helps so, so much. If you don’t want to do that then ask someone you know to look it over for you. There are other options but those two are easier.

    Another thing I want to point out is your use of ellipses. It’s quite common in your dialogue and I suggest that you tone it down a bit. Instead of using them to show pauses in speech, you could simply use a comma and stop the dialogue there for a short description of what is happening, how people are feeling, or what not. The pauses, reading them as you write them, make it feel very awkward to read. Kind of like a bad dub. You also seem to rush things a lot. You simply skipped over a bunch of days of traveling with “Their journey continued for a couple more days, with small stops to rest and sleep in between, but they made it to Dragonspiral Tower with no further interruptions.” That isn’t exciting at all. At least the way you wrote it wasn’t exciting. It’s fine to skip the middle if there is nothing to tell but you shouldn’t gloss over it with a “nothing much happened.” Instead, describe to us in a paragraph or so about what happened in those days. If nothing happens, tell us about their emotions or something during those days.

    The evolution was kind of sudden in my opinion. We didn’t get to see Umbreon much as an Eevee but I’m not going to question the sudden evolution just yet. I want to see what plays out there. Other than that, I’ve got nothing much to say in regards to what happened. Let’s see what happens inside of the tower.

    Fighting for real American turtles everywhere. Pro-Turtle since 6/30/13

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    Thank you for your advice, Vern. I will take it into consideration, and today I think I will go over my story and kind of fill it out and fix any mistakes I see. Once again, I would like to thank you for your help since I started this thread. I really appreciate it!
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

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    Alright, I did a bunch of editing to the previous chapters, so you may want to look through them and reread them to see the changes I have made to them (some of them being pretty big changes!)

    Chapter 05: Zekrom and Reshiram are Awakened!

    "The stones... Zekrom and Reshiram are starting to awaken already! I can't believe it... they must recognize us as the true heroe's!" Pikachu said, while hurriedly running towards the outside of the tower with the stones in his hands.

    "Pikachu!" Umbreon yelled. "The stones are starting to flash really brightly in your arms!"

    "They are beginning to come out of the stones!" Serperior yelled. "I am astonished!"

    "Look, there is the exit to the tower! We must get through it before-"

    But Cyndaquil's sentence was cut off by some rubble that began to block the entrance.

    "The shaking from the stones must be causing some strange invisible waves that are radiating throughout the tower, thus causing the tower to collapse!" Umbreon observed.

    "Umbreon, how do you think up this stuff?" Pikachu asked curiously.

    "I have no idea... it just comes to me." She said back.

    "Guys, I would love to chat, but we need to hurry up and get out of here before this whole tower collapses, if what Umbreon said was true!" Charizard quickly said.

    "Well, what's the plan?" Pikachu asked him.

    "Ummm... we don't have one." Serperior slowly said.

    "Oh, yes we do!" Charizard grabbed onto all of the four Pokémon, and helped them swing onto his back while he began flying.

    "Charizard, what are you doing?!" Cyndaquil yelled.

    "I am doing... plan B!" He replied back.

    "Ahhh!" The Pokémon screamed.

    Charizard raced towards the ceiling of the room, and just as it began to crumble, he burst through it, and then onto the next room, and the next, until he reached the roof of the tower. When he reached this, he got ready to do the biggest "tackle" (the move he had been doing this whole time), that he had ever done.

    "Now guys, hold on! You're in for a crazy ride!"

    "Charizard, no, don't do it! Please don't! No-"

    But Pikachu was cut off by the force of Charizard's tackle, right when he burst through the roof. The impact the blow caused actually flung the four Pokémon off of Charizard's back, as well as the stones.

    "Charizard, help us!" Serperior cried desperately, but Charizard was too weak to do anything to help his poor friends, although he wanted too so badly.

    Just as the Pokémon were falling towards their most certain death, the stones finally flashed with a great burst of light, and out popped the legendary Pokémon - Reshiram and Zekrom!

    Meanwhile, at the same time, Umbreon also had some plans up her sleeve. She then leaped onto Reshiram's back while he was flying through the air, and while on him, grabbed the rest of her friends while she was at it. Zekrom grabbed the friends she couldn't reach to grab in time. They then settled down, back onto the ground safe and sound.

    "Y-you saved us, you three." Pikachu began. "Including you, Umbreon. You are truly a remarkable little Pokémon. And you are t-t-the legendary Pokémon Reshiram and Zekrom!"

    As soon as Pikachu saw Reshiram and Zekrom, he fainted on the spot.

    "Pikachu, are you OK?" Serperior asked the poor Pikachu worriedly. "As soon as you looked at these wonderful legendary Pokémon, you fainted!"

    "Oh, I'm ok... and sorry about that." Pikachu began, a little embarrassed. He had clearly been knocked out for a little while. "It's just that I have only ever heard of you in legends, but now you are here! This is amazing!" Pikachu said.

    "Oh, thank you for awakening us! We are ever so grateful, aren't we, Zekrom?" Reshiram glared at his brother.

    "Oh yes, of course we are! He he..." Zekrom replied.

    "But now we have a battle to continue. Don't we, brother?" Reshiram had an almost evil-like glint in his eyes.

    "What do you mean, "battle"?" Pikachu asked the legendary Pokémon.

    "Well you see, my brother always believed in ideals (which is such a silly thing to believe in), while I stand for truth, which is the true thing to believe in!" Reshiram told the Pokémon.

    "Oh yeah, I remember that from the legends!" Pikachu continued. "They said that you always battled with your other half, back when you used to be one Pokémon, because you each had such different points of views on certain things. This then caused you to become two separate Pokémon - Reshiram and Zekrom! But you can't start fighting again now! We have a war to start, and both truths and ideals to straighten out!"

    "What are you talking about? You can't fight for both truths and ideals! You can only side with one or the other! So who will it be, will you believe in truths, as I do, or what my ridiculous brother believes in - that silly thing called 'ideals'? Whose side are you on?" Reshiram had the evil glint in his eye once again, and was awaiting a solid answer from Pikachu and his friends...
    Last edited by Cassafrass1999; 6th June 2013 at 5:21 AM.
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

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    Okay, I read your entire story over. While you added some good stuff, you made some mistakes in revising such as calling Umbreon "Eevee" after it had evolved in the narration and calling Samurott "Dewott."

    As for your newest chapter, I'm happy to see that it's progressing. I don't have much complaints about in terms of story but I did lol at Pikachu telling Reshiram and Zekrom to start fighting since they wanted to start a war. Still, I don't know how I feel about that statement. Simply because we don't see much of the negative side of humans. We have three examples of humans doing something in this series: the opening scene where the humans chased the Chosen Ones, Samurott telling them that he had a terrible trainer, and a human telling his Pokemon to put out a fire. While two of the three are quite bad, it's really just a small sample size of the human population. You haven't been giving us much examples of this terribleness that these Pokemon are fighting. In fact, the Chosen Ones even complained when a human wanted a help put out the fire that they wanted someone to put out just a few sentences earlier. It makes them seem rather petty instead of the freedom fighters that you're trying to portray them as.

    Fighting for real American turtles everywhere. Pro-Turtle since 6/30/13

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    Ah ok... thank you for your thoughts! I didn't realize any of that... these next few chapters, I will have to try to add some of the things that you mentioned, such as adding more humans doing evil things. I will also fix the mistakes with calling Umbreon "Eevee", and Samurott "Dewott. I may also fix the sentence with the Pokémon and the person putting out the fire with his Pokémon. I may try to do this later, but it may happen tomorrow... we will just have to see.
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

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    Alright, I went back and did even more editing on the previous chapters, but only fixed the minor mistakes that you told me about (like me calling Umbreon Eevee at certain points). Well, here is the next chapter!

    Chapter 06: A Race to Escape the Enemy

    "I-I will side with no one!" Pikachu declared.

    "What?! You must side with either me or Zekrom! As I have already said, you can't side with both of the points of view!" Reshiram replied back, astonished.

    "You will of course choose ideals, right, Pikachu? What you just said was a joke, right?" Zekrom said.

    "What are you talking about, brother?!" Reshiram replied back to him.

    "No, you are both wrong," Pikachu began, "You can believe in both truth and ideals."

    Pikachu said this with a hint of determination in his voice.

    "What?!" Zekrom and Reshiram said at the same time. "You must be mad! That is not true at all!"

    But before Pikachu could say something back, the wind kicked up, and the area became very ominous.

    "Hey... what is a helicopter full of those pesky humans doing here?!" Serperior said, looking towards the sky.

    "I don't know... but if those humans have something to do with it, than they must be up to no good!"

    "Shhh!" Charizard hissed at both of them. He looked around and noticed some large trees surrounding the area. "Maybe we should hide behind those larger trees and listen to what they are saying. Good thing they left their loudspeaker on... humans can be so stupid sometimes!"

    "Well now, lets head in! I can't believe that we were so lucky as to have gotten the chance to take the legendary Pokémon, Zekrom and Reshiram! This is absolutely amazing!" One of the humans was saying.

    "I know right, Timothy? We are going to be rich! We can sell them for loads of money on the black market, and make a fortune!" The other human told his friend.

    "Either that, or we can train them ourselves and become the most powerful Pokémon trainers ever!" The human apparently named Timothy said back.

    "We better escape from here quickly, before they find out where we have gone!" Cyndaquil said back.

    So the Pokémon started running as quickly as possible.

    "Look over there! We can hide in that cave before they can find us!" Umbreon cried.

    "Why do I have a feeling of déjŕ vu all of a sudden?" Pikachu said to himself.

    Once they reached the cave, they hurried and ran inside.

    "There is no crack to hide inside this cave, Pikachu! What are we going to do?!" Serperior said, worriedly. "We don't have much time!"

    "Don't fret, we will figure out a way to get out of this mess... maybe should just follow the cave and see what is on the other side?" Pikachu replied back.

    "Good idea!" The other Pokémon said, simultaneously.

    They ran until they reached the end of the cave, where they stopped. It was a dead end, and the Pokémon had no idea of what they should do.

    "Pikachu... it's a dead end! And I hear those humans coming towards us this way!" Cyndaquil said.

    For the first time in a while, Reshiram spoke: "Maybe we could escape by trying to drill a hole through one of the caves walls with all of our powers?"

    "I don't think that would work, Reshiram... maybe ramming into it, but our powers would probably be too weak against it." Pikachu said back.

    "You are probably right." Reshiram replied.

    "Maybe we could fly out the way we came in?" Zekrom contributed.

    "No, that wouldn't work either... we don't want the humans to just keep following us!" Pikachu said back.

    Umbreon, who had been being quite the whole time they had been in the cave, finally piped up: "I have a plan."

    "What is it?" Charizard asked.

    "It isn't like the one plan you had on our way here, the one where you said 'Oh Cyndaquil, come on, it would be fun to ride upside down on Charizard's back!', right? Because I was sick the whole rest of the day!"

    The rest of the Pokémon just barely stifled a chuckle.

    "Hey, what are you laughing at? That was a horrible idea she had!" Cyndaquil huffed back.

    "Guys, we need to stop arguing! And I didn't know you would get sick from that awesome ride!" Umbreon tried to settle the argument.

    Cyndaquil just huffed at Umbreon, and stuck her toungue at her.

    "There's that déjŕ vu again..." Pikachu said to himself.

    "Guys, we only have about one minute remaining to get out of here! They are heading our way, and fast!" Serperior said hurriedly.

    "My idea is, that we should try to break this bit of cave wall right exactly here!" Umbreon said quickly, gesturing to a specific area on the caves wall.

    "Why?" Pikachu questioned.

    "No time to explain, just hit the wall as hard as you can!" Umbreon replied back.

    So the Pokémon began smashing into the wall as hard as they can, using their moves to hit it in any way they could. They smashed into it harder and harder, until it finally gave way all of a sudden, into a small space, which Charizard, Serperior, Reshiram, and Zekrom could just squeeze into.

    "Wow, I know I have said it before, but how do you figure out this stuff, Umbreon?" Pikachu asked her.

    "Well... I just do! I sense something... I am not sure how to describe it. But I just knew that there was something behind that piece of wall, so I knew it must have been our chance to escape!"

    "Shhh!" Reshiram said quickly. "These so called 'humans' are coming this way!"

    "Yeah... be quiet everybody!" Zekrom said as well.

    As soon as Zekrom had said that, he thought he heard some kind of siren in the distance. He didn't say anything for fear that the humans would hear him, however.

    The humans began to check out the area the Pokémon had just been in.

    "Hmmm... I am positive I saw the Pokémon coming this way! Where could they have gone?" One of them said to himself.

    "Well, maybe they ran into that crack in the wall right there?" His friend replied back.

    "Possibly... hey, what's that sound?"

    The Pokémon and humans heard what seemed to be footsteps coming towards them, and looked up to see five shadowy figures.

    "It... it can't be!" One of the humans stuttered.

    "You're under arrest!" The main officer said to the crooks, with a hint of pride at capturing these long sought criminals!
    Last edited by Cassafrass1999; 19th July 2013 at 10:30 PM.
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

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    Chapter 06

    "Shhh!" Charizard hissed at both of them. "They are talking! Lets all hide behind those giant trees and try to listen to what they are saying before they get too close! Good thing they left their loudspeaker on... those humans can be so stupid sometimes!"
    Oh. Firstly, you never described these giant trees ever being present in the first place. They magically arose to help the protagonists out of this situation which wouldn’t be a bad thing if not for the fact that they magically arose from nowhere.

    They want to steal you both, Zekrom and Reshiram, and either sell you for money or train you!
    No need to recap what we just learned especially if another character is repeating it for someone who was actually there for the event. It makes the person being explained to seem stupid.

    So the Pokémon started running, for they didn't dare run, for fear of the humans seeing them while in their helicopter.
    I don’t understand what you’re going with here.

    "Hey, there's a crack in the wall! Could they have squeezed through that? Maybe we should check it out!" The other human called out to his friend.
    It should be rather obvious where the Pokemon went considering that there was a hole large enough for Zekrom and Reshiram to fit in, no?

    Anyway, there were some spelling errors (new instead of knew, quite instead of quiet). One thing I want to bring up is that Pikachu was portrayed as a know-it-all character who I think I could make a case for being a Mary Sue. He shouldn’t have to point out obvious concepts to two legendary Pokemon who have been around for however long. Another thing is that he has a preachy attitude and actually talks about what is right and wrong while self-admittedly going on about wanting to start a war. This bothers me even more since the rest of the cast is pushed to the background even more. Charizard and Serperior are non-existent outside of some scenes where they need Charizard to fly or Serperior to do something. Serperior doesn’t add much to the story. Cyndaquil is only there to act like a snarker who whines a lot and Umbreon is only useful when they need her special powers to get them out of a tough spot though she doesn’t have it bad as the aforementioned three.

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    Alright...thanks for the advice! I see what you mean about me maybe needing to change my characters attitudes a bit... although that was kinda the attitude I was trying to get for Cyndaquil, but I see what you mean on maybe needing to tone it down a little... and I will have to try and make Charizard and Serperior a little more important to the storyline. I will also have to make Pikachu seem less preachy, and the Legendary Pokémon not so... well? Dumb I guess you could say. Although I was trying to make Pikachu seem like the "leader" of the story, but I will have to try to make him a little less so... :P I will also have to make Umbreon seem more "existent" as well, and fix the spelling errors that I must have missed. Once again, thanks for your help... I am learning a lot on what I can do to improve on being a better writer.
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

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    Yes, I realize why that that was what you were trying to do with Cyndaquil but that's the only thing going for Cyndaquil. You can write someone as a smart leader of a group without having to dumb down everyone else to do it. The way you're making it look like in my opinion is that Pikachu knows more than these supposedly powerful Pokemon that have been alive for years and years. It takes away from them when you have them debating over ethics but failing to some up with semi-realistic (within the story) solutions to there problems.

    Fighting for real American turtles everywhere. Pro-Turtle since 6/30/13

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    Quote Originally Posted by Vern View Post
    Yes, I realize why that that was what you were trying to do with Cyndaquil but that's the only thing going for Cyndaquil. You can write someone as a smart leader of a group without having to dumb down everyone else to do it. The way you're making it look like in my opinion is that Pikachu knows more than these supposedly powerful Pokemon that have been alive for years and years. It takes away from them when you have them debating over ethics but failing to some up with semi-realistic (within the story) solutions to there problems.
    Ah ok, I see what you mean. Later I think I will try to write a new chapter, and fix the old ones as well. Thanks for the feedback!
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

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    Alright, I did a bit more editing on the previous chapter, so you may want to reread it. Regardless, you should probably reread the ending at least, since I just made a huge plot twist and changed it. I also cut out practically the whole "Pikachu being preachy" thing.

    Chapter 07: New Friends are Revealed

    One hour later, the friends found themselves back on their journey.

    "Whew, that was a close one... good thing the police caught those thieves!" Pikachu said to his pals.

    "I know right? I can't believe they had stolen and sold that many Pokémon on the black market! Wasn't it something around one hundred different Pokémon they had captured and taken?" Serperior said.

    "Yes, from what I understand." Charizard spoke up.

    "Well, regardless of that, what are we going to do now?" Reshiram asked curiously.

    "We are going to start a war! That's what!" Pikachu said loud and proud.

    "Pikachu, do you really think that is what we should really and truly do?" Umbreon asked quietly.

    "Of course! That is what the old Samurott said, wasn't it? But where to start is the real question..." Pikachu's voice drifted of as he began to think.

    "Ummm...guys? What is that?!" Cyndaquil said with a astonished look on her face.

    "It looks like... Mew!" Pikachu said, shocked.

    "Mew?!" The rest of the Pokémon echoed.

    "Mew is another legendary Pokémon like us, correct?" Zekrom stated.

    "Yes indeed... but what is it doing here out in the woods all by itself? Because where there is Mew, there is usually Mewtwo as well..."

    "Mewtwo?!" Reshiram gasped at Pikachu. "He is the most powerful Pokémon in the world, correct me if I am mistaken?!"

    "Yes." Pikachu said simply.

    "Hey look! It is trying to say something." Cyndaquil observed.

    The friends all looked curiously at Mew.

    "Hi! Do you want to play? Since I love playing!" Mew said, talking very fast. "Who are you? You are new around here aren't you? I haven't seen anybody besides my friend Mewtwo is such a long time, but now you are here, we can play together! My favorite color is pink, what is yours? Do you like to-"

    "Ok, ok! Slow down there! We will play with you, but only after you tell us where your friends Mewtwo is." Serperior said, trying to reason with Mew.

    "Oh, he is just back at home where he usually stays. He is kinda boring sometimes, but I love him anyways. Even though he makes me stay very secretive, but I just couldn't resist seeing you once you came! So, how about it? Do you like pi-"

    "Ok, yes I like pink, but can you please actually take us to your home? We will give you cookies if you do!" Serperior told her.

    "She's good." Charizard whispered quietly to the others.

    "Oh, yummy! I haven't had cookies in such a long time! Follow me and I will take you straight to my home! Do you know why the sky is blue? I don't, but I would like to know why it is. Do you like rasberries? I love them! But I hate grass. I've tried it. Blech! It tastes gross! I don't recommend eating it. Hey, do you like-"

    The whole way to Mew's home, she blabbered on and on about random topics. The Pokémon just answered her questions and listened to her kindly, but by the time they finally got there they were about to scream!

    "Ok, we are here! Mewtwo, come on out! I found friends!"

    "What? Friends? How many times have I told you that no one is allowed to come here!" Mewtwo answered.

    "But they look like the friends you told me to say hi to if I ever saw them. They are really nice!" Mew said back, innocently.

    "What are you talking about... they can't be here so soon!" Mewtwo said, obviously getting annoyed at Mew. But as soon as he came out of the cave they called their home and actually looked at the seven Pokémon friends, he about fainted.

    "It is you! It is really you! Please come in, yes! We have so much to talk about!" Mewtwo welcome them warmly.

    "Well, his attitude sure changed quickly." Cyndaquil remarked.

    "Well, if he insists, we might as well follow him!" Pikachu said back.

    So the friends walked into the cave, following Mewtwo and Mew, until they arrived in a large room, stuffed to the max with potions and medicine jars. Mewtwo gestured for them to sit down on some rocks carved to look like chairs, with a table in between them.

    "Well, I have been waiting for this day for so long!" Mewtwo said, with a proud voice.

    "Why? Is it because this was the day we got to eat those yummy blue flowers you made for breakfast that tasted almost like peppermint? Because it was good... or was it because we went to the pond to gather herbs, and you found one with a horrible stench that smelled like wet lillipup? Or was it-"

    "Mew, please stop talking for just one minute!" Mewtwo interrupted Mew, placing his hand over his head with annoyance. "Is that too much to ask for once? And no, none of those things were the reason I am so overjoyed right now..."

    "Oh, sorry... but those flowers were good..."

    "Mew! Really!" Mewtwo quickly and sharply said.

    "Sorry again..." Mew quietly and nervously said back.

    Serperior than gave Mew the cookies she had promised her earlier, to help keep her quiet for at least a little while as Mewtwo spoke with them.

    "As I was saying before," Mewtwo continued, "I thought I may never see the day that the chosen ones and the legendary Pokémon Reshiram and Zekrom showed up at my front door!"
    Last edited by Cassafrass1999; 21st June 2013 at 4:40 AM.
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post

    "Well, regardless of that, what are we going to do now?" Reshiram asked curiously.

    "We are going to start a war! That's what!" Pikachu said loud and proud.
    This is where your characters are just not believable. If these so-called characters are "the chosen ones" then why would they let this obnoxious Pikachu follow them? If I were them, I would kick that rodent to the curb mercilessly for even suggesting to start a war. They are never pleasant and no decent person would actively endorse them.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    "Ummm...guys? What is that?!" Cyndaquil said with a astonished look on her face.

    "It looks like... Mew!" Pikachu said, shocked.

    "Mew?!" The rest of the Pokémon echoed.

    "Mew is another legendary Pokémon like us, correct?" Zekrom stated.
    You should know that Zekrom is huge. That creature would not be walking in the forest with them, not only because it is a legendary and clearly too good for them, but it would constantly be blocked by trees and other obstacles. There is no indication that it is flying overhead and, if it was, what's the point of asking a question no one will hear, flying out of earshot?

    This fits my advice category of thinking and picturing a scenario in your mind before adding it to the story.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    "Yes indeed... but what is it doing here out in the woods all by itself? Because where there is Mew, there is usually Mewtwo as well..."
    False, Mew and Mewtwo tend to keep a respectable distance from each other. From what I know, they don't live with each other.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    "Hi! Do you want to play? Since I love playing!" Mew said, talking very fast. "Who are you? You are new around here aren't you? I haven't seen anybody besides my friend Mewtwo is such a long time, but now you are here, we can play together! My favorite color is pink, what is yours? Do you like to-"
    Okay, so you capture Mew's personality perfectly here, from an American dub perspective, and consistently too. Obviously, you know and are keeping Mew in character here which is good, even though I think Mew was introduced too quickly which takes away all the awe of it being encountered.

    I wish the same was for Mewtwo.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    "What? Friends? How many times have I told you that no one is allowed to come here!" Mewtwo answered.
    This is a typical Mewtwo response. Stern and disappointed.


    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    "What are you talking about... they can't be here so soon!" Mewtwo said, obviously getting annoyed at Mew. But as soon as he came out of the cave they called their home and actually looked at the seven Pokémon friends, he about fainted.

    "It is you! It is really you! Please come in, yes! We have so much to talk about!" Mewtwo welcome them warmly.
    Mewtwo would not say this, not even to a Pokemon master. Mewtwo would look at these Pokemon and deny them entrance. Your characters have nothing to suggest they have skills better than a legendary Pokemon. The standards for the chosen-one (aka Messiah) are very small to nonexistent and that's a huge problem. Your characters shouldn't get special treatment just because they are the main characters.



    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    So the friends walked into the cave, following Mewtwo and Mew, until they arrived in a large room, stuffed to the max with potions and medicine jars. Mewtwo gestured for them to sit down on some rocks carved to look like chairs, with a table in between them.

    "Well, I have been waiting for this day for so long!" Mewtwo said, with a proud voice.

    "Why? Is it because this was the day we got to eat those yummy blue flowers you made for breakfast that tasted almost like peppermint? Because it was good... or was it because we went to the pond to gather herbs, and you found one with a horrible stench that smelled like wet lillipup? Or was it-"

    "Mew, please stop talking for just one minute!" Mewtwo interrupted Mew, placing his hand over his head with annoyance. "Is that too much to ask for once? And no, none of those things were the reason I am so overjoyed right now..."

    "Oh, sorry... but those flowers were good..."

    "Mew! Really!" Mewtwo quickly and sharply said.

    "Sorry again..." Mew quietly and nervously said back.

    Serperior than gave Mew the cookies she had promised her earlier, to help keep her quiet for at least a little while as Mewtwo spoke with them.

    "As I was saying before," Mewtwo continued, "I thought I may never see the day that the chosen ones and the legendary Pokémon Reshiram and Zekrom showed up at my front door!"
    I'll have to stop here. Essentially, my comments before still stand and there is literally nothing else I can add from looking at your new chapters. The improvements added are very marginal from the first chapter. To be honest, I would totally start the fanfiction from scratch if I were you. This time, go to the drawing board and think very, very deep about what you want to tell and what's new that you can bring to the table for readers. Make sure your characters, plot, and settings are believable and unique.

    Reviewers are just not going to review a story they do not enjoy or can't get into.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    And yes, I have indeed written a fanfic on another forum, but it turned out to be a disaster since it was my first one, no one reviewed it, and because I ended up making it REALLY short since I tried to cut it off so I could make a Pokémon fanfic instead (this one was based on the book series of Guardian's of Ga'Hoole).
    Award Winning Fanfics on Serebii Forums

    For most stories, interest is generated later on as the writer improves or the story gets more complex. Think about what the award winning stories have that yours do not. What percentage of the story is dialogue vs description? Who are the characters and how do they fit in the story?

    Look at winning fanfics for inspiration and compare them with your story. The better the story, the more reviews will come. I'd love it if we can get to the point that I can simply sit and comment on the story itself rather than all the problems with it.




    Want someone to review your fanfiction? Wish granted. I accept fanfiction review requests so just PM me!

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    Chapter 07

    The police coming out of nowhere qualifies as a deus ex machina. They literally came out of nowhere to save the Pokemon when they were in danger of getting caught.

    Other than that, I don’t have much to say about this chapter. It’s just a set-up chapter from the looks of it. There are still some grammar errors and a spelling mistake (“annoyence”) that you should look over after you have written your chapter. I honestly don’t have much to say about this.

    Fighting for real American turtles everywhere. Pro-Turtle since 6/30/13

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    Ok, thanks for the short review... but what do you mean by "set up"? Do you mean it is staged too perfectly or something? And I guess I can make the police coming out of nowhere a little less... crazy lol. XP But anyways, most likely tomorrow will be the day when I can fix the spelling mistakes and write the next chapter! ;D But although I really appreciate all of your help (my story would probably be completely messed up right now if it weren't for you, lol), I do wish some other people would take the time to review it, just so I could see what their opinions on my story were... :/
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

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    A set-up is what it says it is. It's setting things up for future chapters.

    Fighting for real American turtles everywhere. Pro-Turtle since 6/30/13

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