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Thread: The Quest of Justice and Truth

  1. #26
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    Chapter 7

    Sorry for the late review then. But it was only four days. That isn’t late at all.

    Mewtwo aka the “most powerful Pokemon in existence” joining the team? That’s a little shocking since he’d seemingly blow all threats out of the water judging from the hype he received in the previous chapter. The Mew bit turned me off a little to be honest since it was pretty rushed. You could’ve put in more impactful scenes where we see Mewtwo worried over where Mew is instead of a quick bit of narration telling us what he was feeling. The motto “show, don’t tell” should be in use here in my opinion. Show us that Mewtwo is sad. Now, I know that you had the scene where he was crying but in that scene that’s all we get in the scene. You telling us that he was crying is okay but try showing his body language during the search maybe some of the Pokemon trying to comfort him as he is losing hope.

    I suppose that I’m okay with Mewtwo having this blackout problem if he’s joining the team though. It’ll probably help stop him from being a mega overpowered Pokemon.

    Fighting for real American turtles everywhere. Pro-Turtle since 6/30/13

  2. #27
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    Alright, the previous chapter had a bunch of improvements, so I am pretty sure that you will want to read it over again.

    Chapter 08: Mew in Trouble!

    "What?!" Mewtwo sputtered. "Trainers?!"

    "Y-yes..." Mew said, her voice harshly stuttering. "when you did that... thing, some trainers found me and tried to capture me... I ran away from them, but they resorted to hurting me in order to capture me..."

    "Mew, you can hardly talk right!" Mewtwo said quickly. "We must hurry and save you!"

    "No! The trainers are heading this way right now!" Mew said urgently. "You need to get out of here!"

    "What?! No... no, I will not let them get away with hurting you like this! I will deal with them myself... you all must hurry and run away, and I will deal with them." Mewtwo said determinedly.

    "No, we can't let you do this by yourself!" Pikachu quickly said back to him.

    "No, it is me who must do it." He began, not willing to let go of his decision easily. "I am the most powerful Pokémon in existence, and Mew is my sister. I was made from her DNA, and if it weren't for her, I wouldn't be here. I owe her one, as her brother and friend. Those stupid trainers cannot get away with this!"

    Mewtwo was really starting to get a bad temper now, and began to get the steely look in his eyes once again, as he had happened earlier. He began doing the spherical motion with his hands, and starting floating in the air. The other Pokémon took this as a queue to leave before they got blasted to bits.

    "No big brother!" Mew desperately began yelling. "You mustn't do this!"

    "Mew, stay out of this!" Mewtwo began telling her in a mechanical voice. "These trainers don't deserve to live, and they will never get away with what they have done to you! They shall die right here, right now! See, here they come! Perfect timing!"

    The trainers began running up the steep slope, dodging the trees that ran straight up and down it, to see what the commotion up ahead was. But when they got to the top, they froze in their tracks to see Mewtwo getting ready to do some serious damage to them at any minute.

    "No!" Mew yelled, leaping out of Charizards hands, and began floating in front of Mewtwo right when he started charging the power to unleash his attack! "You can't do this!"

    "Mew!" Mewtwo gasped. Get out of the way! I am going to hit you!"

    Right when he was about to unleash his attack, he swerved his hands and thrust his aim at a nearby tree, just narrowly missing Mew and the trainers by less than an inch.

    Mewtwo than fell to the ground, while the trainers hurriedly ran away, terrified.

    "Mew! Look at what you have done! I about could have..." His voice trailed off.

    "I just couldn't let you kill them, brother!" Mew said, slinking to the ground with all of her strength used up. "They are beings, just as we are! don't you remember Ash, and the time you learned that everyone has a place in this world? Those very trainers have a place in this world too... you couldn't have just made them die!"

    Mew's voice then began to trail off, and her strength began to fade. She looked deathly pale, and had a cold stare in her eyes.

    "Mew! What has happened to you?" Mewtwo hurriedly rushed to her side, and looked straight into her eyes. "Mew, speak to me! Say something! Anything..."

    But Mew didn't say anything, and her breathing became more and more shallow...

    "No... this isn't happening." Mewtwo began saying, tears welling up in his eyes, while he held Mew in his lap. "You are everything in the world to me, Mew... you are my little sister... you can't just..." His voice trailed off.

    The other Pokémon just looked on with their heads low to the ground, feeling the horrible pain Mewtwo must have been feeling right now...

    "This is all my fault..." Mewtwo started saying, his voice once again trailing off, as he looked into Mew's cold-looking eyes, the tears streaming down his face, falling onto her fur...
    Last edited by Cassafrass1999; 8th July 2013 at 4:53 AM.
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

  3. #28
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    Chapter 08

    "W-when you did that... t-thing, some t-trainers found me and t-tried to c-capture me... I r-ran away from t-them, but t-they resorted to h-hurting me in order to c-capture me..."
    I can see what you’re trying to do here but I would stick with not using the technique you’re using here. A better way to with this is by simply saying that Mew was stuttering or had trouble speaking. It’ll save you the effort of typing like that for an entire sentence.

    before they got blasted to bits!
    There’s no need for an exclamation mark here. Exclamation marks should be used sparingly in a chapter or story. It loses its meaning if used too often which is something that you tend to do.

    Right when he was about to unleash his attack, he swerved his hands (which were containing the moves energy)
    You shouldn’t feel the need to include the parenthesis there. Beforehand, you can describe what’s going on with Mewtwo as he’s preparing to attack then you can tell us that the energy is in his hands.

    A shame that Mew had to die, but I will see where this goes for Mewtwo I suppose. What bothers me is that Ash is canon to this in which case mew should be as powerful as Mewtwo and that there are more powerful Pokemon than Mewtwo in the anime’s canon. Mewtwo’s inability to control himself also raises some concerns for me but it’s not critical to the plot I guess. I’m interested in where you’ll take Mewtwo from here.

    The other Pokémon just looked on, not knowing anything that they could do besides go back to the cave and fetch supplies for Mew, which half of them had begun to do.
    The way you wrote this made it a mood killer. It was a sad moment with all of the Pokemon downcast by Mew’s death and you state that half of them are already leaving to get supplies. While I have no problem with some Pokemon looking ahead to what they have to do, it doesn’t work as well when this was Mewtwo’s chapter and that it was stated so plainly like that without any follow up.

  4. #29
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    Sorry for not updating for a while (I have been kinda busy), but I just wanted to say that you should keep watch for a new chapter and fixing of my old chapter soon! (and thanks so much for the advice! I really appreciate it...) ;3

    P.S. Did Mew really die? We will soon find out, haha!
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

  5. #30
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    Alright, sorry for taking so long to get this chapter up, but here it finally is! I hope you enjoy it! (And by the way, the previous things that needed fixing in the last chapter are fixed as of now!)

    Chapter 9: Miracles and Surprises Galore...

    "Mew... you were everything to me... you can't leave me now!" Mewtwo said this, tears streaming down his cheeks. It was painful for the other Pokémon to watch this, but there was nothing they could do... Mew was gone now. Or so they thought.

    Once Mewtwo's tears, which were falling down his cheeks onto Mew's beautiful pink fur, touched Mew the air started to sparkle and shimmer around her.

    "What is happening?!" Mewtwo cried out. "Mew! Are you starting to wake up?!"

    Mew started to slowly be lifted out of Mewtwo's hands, and began floating above the ground. Her long tail swirled in and around her as the air around Mew began to become very distorted.

    "Mew!" Mewtwo yelled, looking up in wonder at his sister.

    Mew finally stopped floating once she was perfectly aligned with the shining sun, and suddenly opened her large, wonderful eyes.

    "My dear sister!" Mewtwo said, tears once again streaming down his cheeks. "You are alive!"

    "Brother!" Mew cried out, and raced as fast as she could until she reached Mewtwo's outstretched arms. As soon as she reached him, Mewtwo grasped her and hugged her as tight as he could. Mew just snuggled with her brother, so thankful to be with him once again.

    "I thought I had lost you... I am so happy that you are OK." Mewtwo said to her ever so gently. "But how could this have happened? Was it my tears that brought you back...?"

    I don't know, but I am just so happy to see you again too, brother!" Mew said back, tears now streaming down her own cheeks.

    The other Pokémon then rushed over to the two, embracing them in a huge hug of their own. Even Cyndaquil was hugging with the rest!

    All of a sudden, they heard voices call out. Everyone ran back to the cave, while Mewtwo stayed behind to see who was coming into his territory. Who he saw was just who he suspected, and his eyes began to grow wide.

    "Hey, hurry up guys! There are tons of Pokémon out here just waiting to be captured by me! There may even be some trainers to battle!" The boy called out.

    "Hey, you might want to look at your poor Pikachu! It can hardly walk!" Another person called out, but this time it was a girl.

    "Yeah, it looks like it is starving! You really need to pay more attention to it." One last man said.

    "Fine... I am starved anyways! How about you make dinner? Your cooking is the best!" The boy called out to him.

    "Just like always, you are hungry! How can you work up an appetite so quickly? Seriously..." The girl said.

    "Hey!" The boy replied hastily back to her, clearly very annoyed.

    As the man tried to settle this argument that had just started, Mewtwo look on in wonder. "I can't believe it... it is Ash, Misty, and Brock!"

    As the argument finally subsided, and the man named Brock began cooking dinner, Mewtwo hurried back and rushed to the cave.

    "You won't believe it!" Mewtwo started saying. He than told the rest of the Pokémon who exactly it had been that he had seen.

    "What?!" Pikachu yelped. "You saw that kid named Ash with his friends, and his Pikachu?! Seriously?!"

    "He will probably try to capture us!" Cyndaquil said defiantly.

    "Or worse!" Charizard hastily said.

    "Don't worry, it won't come to that." Mewtwo assured them. "I will talk to them. Trust me, they are actually very nice trainers, unlike many others. I would still be a bit weary of them, though." He then told the other Pokémon all about his previous adventures with the three trainers and their Pokémon.

    "Wow... so he was actually the one who taught you that everyone has a place in the world, and more?" Serperior said, albeit a bit astonished at the whole situation.

    "Yes indeed." Mewtwo said back, kindly. "I will have to go talk to them about this whole situation. Don't worry, it will be OK." He then gave them all a weak smile. They were all astonished at how well he was taking this, regarding the situation...

    Mewtwo than got up, and began to walk out of the cave, and towards the trainers so he could talk to them...

    (P.S. I didn't add Cilan and Iris to this story, even though it is set in the Unova region, just because I am not too familiar with them since I have kinda just recently began watching the anime, and don't know a whole lot about their personalities yet... I DO know a lot about Misty and Brock however, so I decided I would add them to this story instead. I hope you liked this chapter, it had a lot of surprises and twists and turns, haha! XD)
    Last edited by Cassafrass1999; 8th July 2013 at 5:30 AM.
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

  6. #31
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    Chapter 09

    No need to apologize. We’re all on summer break and all of us have things to do in real life. Like sleep.

    but there was nothing they could do... Mew was gone now. Or so they thought.
    You don’t need to you ellipses so much. Anyway, I would rephrase the “now. Or so they” part of this quotation. The reason being that when it’s read aloud, which is something you should do when re-reading your work, it sounds really weird. Kind of like a one of those awkward lines on tv shows where they try to pull of this sudden twist and those are mainly found in comedies with the “Dun Dun Dun” sound playing.

    Mew’s revival bothered me. Even though Mew died a few chapters ago, I feel it was way too early to bring her back to life considering that Mewtwo hasn’t actually done anything as of yet besides cry. Bringing her back so soon begs the question: why was Mew killed in the first place? It worked for about a chapter or so but the setting doesn’t change and she’s brought back to life causing the development Mewtwo went through being for nothing much. All we got is a new power for Mewtwo out of it. Plus, this may ruin the suspense for future chapters since the readers have in the back of their mind “Oh hey, it’s okay because Mewtwo can revive them with their tears.” You know?

    I like the introduction of the original trio. It’s been awhile since I read any fanfiction about them though so I guess it’s always nice to catch up.

    Fighting for real American turtles everywhere. Pro-Turtle since 6/30/13

  7. #32
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    Thanks for the review Vernikova. I will take the things you said into consideration. But anyways, sorry for taking so long to get the next chapter up, but it has been a crazy lately for me! >.< But I should be able to write it and get it up on here hopefully soon. Just thought you would like to know.
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

  8. #33
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    Chapter 10 is finally out! I hope you enjoy it!

    Chapter 10: A Not-so-Happy Reunion...

    Mewtwo slowly began to gain the courage to go up to the his old friends. He took a deep breath, and began to walk over.

    "Hurry up Brock!" Ash said to his friend. "I am going to eat my hat if I don't get something to eat soon!"

    Misty just looked at the boy with a clearly annoyed expression on her face, but didn't say anything. Brock kept on cooking the meal he was making for him and his friends - a delightful berry soup.

    Mewtwo hurried and ducked behind a tree, watching the trainers. He was having a hard time believing that they had actually shown up, here and now... it almost didn't seem possible. What should he tell them? Should he just scare them off, or have a chat with them to catch up on things he has missed?

    But at that moment Misty happened to glance over at the tree that Mewtwo was hiding behind. He tried to conceal himself from her gaze, but she saw the very tip of his tail coming from the side of the tree. She looked at it bewildered, but just shrugged it off... but when she saw it again, she was determined to go see what it was.

    "Hey guys?" She slowly said. "I will be right back."

    "Ok, Misty!" Ash said, hardly paying any attention as Brock finally gave him his plate of food, which he hungrily gulped down.

    "Gosh Ash, eat more slowly for Arceus' sake!" He said quickly to Ash, but then called out: "Misty, where you going?"

    She didn't answer, as she ran towards the tree. As soon as she reached it, she began to look behind the other side of it. Mewtwo knew what was going to happen next - he should have made sure it hadn't come to this.

    As soon as Misty saw who it was, she let out the biggest scream Ash and Brock had ever heard. It shook the trees, and actually made one of the apples growing off of the tree fall onto her head.

    "Owww!" She grunted in pain, but once the pain subsided she looked back at Mewtwo. "You... you're here! Mewtwo, it is really you!"

    She looked at him stunned, as Ash and Brock came running over.

    "What is it? What is wrong?" Brock yelled, until he stopped at a full halt, looking on at Mewtwo.

    "Mewtwo!" Ash cried. He looked on in wonder at his old friend, and then began to run towards him, enveloping him in a hug.

    Mewtwo was taken aback by this, but quickly pulled himself away from Ash. Brock and Misty hadn't expected Ash's move either, or Mewtwo's...

    "What's wrong, Mewtwo?" Ash looked back at him with confusion. "I thought you had turned good!"

    "Ash," Mewtwo began, "You must leave here. This is my territory, and my home. Even if we used to be friends, now we are enemies."

    Ash couldn't believe what he was hearing. "What do you mean by that?! We are friends! Don't you remember all of the good old days of me and you being friends? What happened to that? I want to know!"

    But their argument was interrupted by a sound that sounded like a 'mew'. Mewtwo dreaded what he was about to see, but slowly turned around.

    "Mew! What are you doing here?! Get back to the cave at once!" He ordered, looking at Mew angrily.

    "But I wanted to come see Ash and his friends too!" Mew said.

    "What is she saying?" Brock asked.

    "Oh, now I remember..." Mewtwo started saying. "Humans can't understand what Pokémon are saying, aside from the rare few that can talk via telepathy or some other form of communication, such as me... but it is none of your business what she is saying!"

    "Jeez..." Misty said under her breath. "A little bit of a grump, aren't we?"

    Mewtwo heard her and had to hold his tongue to prevent something from slipping out of his mouth that shouldn't. Not with Mew around, at the very least...

    "No! I want to stay!" Mew said with puppy dog eyes. Mewtwo just clenched his teeth as Mew began to fly over to Ash and his friends.

    "I said go back to the cave!" Mewtwo was beginning to get that steely look in his eyes again.

    Mew just gulped, but stayed put. "You have been nothing but a big sourpuss lately, brother! I don't want to listen to you anymore! You don't let me do anything fun!" she spouted back, clearly upset.

    Mewtwo was about to do something that he would probably have regretted later, right when he heard some other voices being called out. "No... not them too!" Mewtwo thought desperately. He slowly turned around, only to see all of his friends coming towards him.

    "Cyndaquil!" Pikachu was saying. "This is a bad idea! We need to turn back before those humans come and capture us! Listen to me!"

    "Oh, stop your whining." Cyndaquil hurriedly said back, still marching towards the humans and Mewtwo. "What is so scary about these humans anyways? I bet I could take them on any day I wanted to!"

    "But Cyndaquil!" The rest of the Pokémon said, but they couldn't just leave their friend to the risk of these humans... and they knew that when Cyndaquil set her mind to something, there was no way she was going to change it.

    "Hey, that's a lot of Pokémon!" Ash said with a happy look on his face, clearly forgetting about his troubles with Mewtwo. "I'm going to go catch them!"

    "Wait a moment, isn't that... Zekrom and Reshiram?!" Brock blurted out with an astonished look on his face.

    "It sure looks like it." Misty said back. "I heard they are legendary Pokémon!"

    "That just means I want to catch 'em even more!" Ash said, starting to run towards the Pokémon. But he was soon stricken with an unpleasant feeling only seconds later.

    "What are you doing?!" Ash cried out in pain, being held back by some mysterious psychic force.

    "You can't catch them! They are my friends!" Mewtwo than cried out, with an angry tone in his voice. "All of you trainers are just the same! You don't care about Pokémon! You just want to catch them and keep them locked up in those tiny Poke Balls of yours! Well, not anymore will you be allowed to do that! Not once the war begins!"

    He then flung Ash at the tree that he had been by not too long before. Ash hit it very hard, and grunted in pain upon feeling the impact from the tree.

    "Ash! Are you alright?!" Misty and Brock asked while they ran to his aid.

    "I think I will be OK... but what does Mewtwo mean by a "war"?!" Ash said back to them, with a fearful look in his eyes as he imagined one of his worst nightmares coming true - humans being separated from Pokémon forever.

    P.S. What do you think of the new banner for this story in my signature? Please give me your honest opinion!
    Last edited by Cassafrass1999; 28th July 2013 at 12:56 AM.
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

  9. #34
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    I actually have to go somewhere soon so I will make this brief since I'm already days late.

    "You... you're here! Mewtwo, it is really you!"
    I don't know if you're trying to keep the character's in-canon or whatever the term may be but I'm pretty sure that Mewtwo wipes their minds of the events from New Island.

    aside from the rare few that can talk via telepathy or some other form of communication, such as me... but it is none of your business what she is saying!"
    This is a bit wordy. I would just keep it short and simple by saying that humans can't understand what Pokemon say unless a Pokemon learns how to communicate in their language. Something along those lines. Mine is pretty wordy too but you get the idea I think.

    Sorry that the review is short but I gotta go soon. The banner looks okay. The Sugimori art and the anime art clash a bit but it's not too bad.

    Fighting for real American turtles everywhere. Pro-Turtle since 6/30/13

  10. #35
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    Thanks for the short review, Vernikova... I will fix those mistakes when I can, although it may be a while since I am gonna go on vacation this upcoming Sunday for about four days or so... there will be a new chapter up when I get the time, though, so don't worry about that!
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

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    That was a good story, and not to sound mean, I just want to give you some advice:

    Well, if it is not mistaken, you used repetition of the word "said" far too much!
    You should also make sure that you use your punctuation right... you see what I have just done with this ellipsis?
    You did this:

    "horrible...I"

    There were only a couple of errors that I would've liked to have pointed out... I hope this does not offend you!

    6/10 for this fanfiction

  12. #37
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    Thank you for the review! I will fix those errors as soon as I can... and don't worry, you don't sound mean. I like reviews that are truly, well, reviewed with honest opinions! And I thank you for that...
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

  13. #38
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    So you are thirteen? My favorite fics to review are fictions written by youth. There is so much improvement and growth that can happen. Consider yourself lucky you have stumbled upon serebiiforums.com. This is one of the finest places for Pokemon fanfiction in my humble opinion.

    Keep in mind that I specialize in plot, character development, and description. I don't comment on grammar.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    Chapter One: A Chase Begins

    The night was dark and eerie. The clouds hung low to the ground while the Serperior, Charizard, Pikachu, and Cyndaquil all raced along, in a hurry to run away from the horrible humans chasing them. The Pokemon seemed to be in a distressed state, and the Cyndaquil's paw seemed to be badly hurt. They hurried down an alleyway in the effort to make it back to their safe home, but the humans behind them were racing towards them with eager hands. They were scared.

    "Guys, hurry! We have almost made it!" the Pikachu said, trembling with fear....
    This is a nitpick, but I think it is important. I would make your chapter name stand out from the rest of the text. It leaves a better impression on the reader and makes it easier to read. Make it more like this:

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post

    ***
    Chapter One: A Chase Begins



    The night was dark and eerie. The clouds hung low to the ground while the Serperior, Charizard, Pikachu, and Cyndaquil all raced along, in a hurry to run away from the horrible humans chasing them. The Pokemon seemed to be in a distressed state, and the Cyndaquil's paw seemed to be badly hurt. They hurried down an alleyway in the effort to make it back to their safe home, but the humans behind them were racing towards them with eager hands. They were scared.

    "Guys, hurry! We have almost made it!" the Pikachu said, trembling with fear....
    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    The Serperior took off into the darkness of the secret room, which could only be accessed through a rather small crack in the wall. Charizard and Serperior could just barely squeeze through it. The walls and floor was cracked and dusty, and there was a rather small pile of food (garbage) on the floor in the corner of the room. The only light came from the flickering fire on Charizard's tail.
    EDIT:: Upon seeing this on another computer, it is 2-3 lines of text. I was using a little computer and it looked like four lines of text. So disregard the example I gave but not the advice.

    For fanfics posted on these forums, I recommend that paragraphs are 2-3 lines max. Avoid four lines of text at all costs.

    Spacing out the story makes it a lot easier to read and people will stay focused enough on the story. If people think reading your fanfic is more of a chore than it has to be, they will leave. Make it like the following:

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    The Serperior took off into the darkness of the secret room, which could only be accessed through a rather small crack in the wall. Charizard and Serperior could just barely squeeze through it.

    The walls and floor was cracked and dusty, and there was a rather small pile of food (garbage) on the floor in the corner of the room. The only light came from the flickering fire on Charizard's tail.
    Easier on eyes, right?

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    "Oh no! It is starting to rain," the Charizard said in a trembling voice, "the fire on my tail mustn't go out!"

    "Mine either!" Cyndaquil wailed.

    "Don't worry...we will make it! Follow me!" The Serperior yelled over the harsh wind and rain that had just begun showering over the city.
    You have dialogue almost perfected. It does flow naturally with the narrative. This is clearly your strength.

    The only problem is that sometimes, in your story, the characters just say the darnest things:

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    The humans yelled after them: "You Pokémon will be ours! Don't worry, we won't hurt you, we just want to battle you."
    Picture this exact thing happening in your head before you click the spoilers.

        Spoiler:- Reveal Critique:


    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    "Don't worry...we will make it! Follow me!" The Serperior yelled over the harsh wind and rain that had just begun showering over the city.
    You need to describe the surroundings more. What type of city is this? Why are wild Pokemon in the city in the first place?

    It becomes a problem when I am asking so many questions and filling in the description for you. That is less time I'm focusing on your fanfiction. And I might be painting the wrong picture than you are trying to give me, the reader.

    Final verdict:

    So far, there is nothing about this story by itself that would want me to keep reading it. The characters, plot, motivations, and locations are bland.

    The story just seems like a bunch of dialogue from characters that have the same personality type.

    If your story only takes a few hours to plan through and type up, you aren't spending enough time with it.

    It is hard to find inspiration in what you write when you have no idea where it is going. It shows in this story. I don't see passion and fire.

    Before writing another chapter, open a word document and start planning out your chapters and characters in advance. I'd recommend planning the whole story out if you have the patience and motivation. Make your own, private encyclopedia of your fanfiction.

    Need inspiration for your locations and people? Look at your everyday life. Look up exotic locations of the world and add your own twist to it.

    Look up ancient legends and other countries. Expand your mind. It will help expand your story.

    Write little biographies of each of your main characters. How do they fit in the plot? What unique skills do they have? Where did they come from? What are their personalities and natures like?

    You can make characters based off of people in your everyday life. Don't be afraid to maybe add some traits of yourself in your main characters.

    You might be surprised the amazing plot twists and characters you can come up with by doing this. It really does open the doors to creativity.

    Does this take time? It takes lots of time! Yet, let me tell you, it is fun. Four hours will pass so quickly because you're having so much fun. And you're thirteen and you have the whole summer vacation, right?

    I will continue following the story, because I am interested in the improvements I know you are more than capable of pulling off. Now go write a chapter that will blow us away!

    I'll review a few other chapters that will complement this review after I get a reply back from you (as I cannot double post).

    Last edited by Silent_Vibrava; 28th July 2013 at 2:03 AM.




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    Thank you SO much for your wonderful in-depth review! I really and truly appreciate it, and yes, I was thirteen at the time of starting this story (I am not fourteen). I will try to get around to doing those things on how to improve my story when I get the time (and yes, good thing it is Summer Vacation lol!) XD One question however: I don't want to sound demanding, so please don't take it that way, but were you thinking of doing a review for each chapter one by one? If so, I would be EXTREMELY grateful, especially since I know my older chapters aren't as good as my newer ones... plus the story changes a lot once the plot starts to thicken. But yes, once again, thank you so much!
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    I don't want to sound demanding, so please don't take it that way, but were you thinking of doing a review for each chapter one by one?
    Some further issues I see are shared in multiple chapters, so I won't do a review of each chapter per say but only chapters were more improvements can be made that haven't been touched upon. The way I review, I scan for issues and I address it at the source. That way, the author never makes the mistake again and my advice sticks for life.

    Do you read the other fanfics on the forums?




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    Quote Originally Posted by Silent_Vibrava View Post
    Some further issues I see are shared in multiple chapters, so I won't do a review of each chapter per say but only chapters were more improvements can be made that haven't been touched upon. The way I review, I scan for issues and I address it at the source. That way, the author never makes the mistake again and my advice sticks for life.

    Do you read the other fanfics on the forums?
    Ah ok, I see... that is a wise way to review. And yes, I have indeed written a fanfic on another forum, but it turned out to be a disaster since it was my first one, no one reviewed it, and because I ended up making it REALLY short since I tried to cut it off so I could make a Pokémon fanfic instead (this one was based on the book series of Guardian's of Ga'Hoole). If you really want to see the disaster of a fan-fic, look no further than here:

    http://www.owlpages.info/fantasy/viewtopic.php?t=6005
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

  17. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post

    "Well, regardless of that, what are we going to do now?" Reshiram asked curiously.

    "We are going to start a war! That's what!" Pikachu said loud and proud.
    This is where your characters are just not believable. If these so-called characters are "the chosen ones" then why would they let this obnoxious Pikachu follow them? If I were them, I would kick that rodent to the curb mercilessly for even suggesting to start a war. They are never pleasant and no decent person would actively endorse them.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    "Ummm...guys? What is that?!" Cyndaquil said with a astonished look on her face.

    "It looks like... Mew!" Pikachu said, shocked.

    "Mew?!" The rest of the Pokémon echoed.

    "Mew is another legendary Pokémon like us, correct?" Zekrom stated.
    You should know that Zekrom is huge. That creature would not be walking in the forest with them, not only because it is a legendary and clearly too good for them, but it would constantly be blocked by trees and other obstacles. There is no indication that it is flying overhead and, if it was, what's the point of asking a question no one will hear, flying out of earshot?

    This fits my advice category of thinking and picturing a scenario in your mind before adding it to the story.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    "Yes indeed... but what is it doing here out in the woods all by itself? Because where there is Mew, there is usually Mewtwo as well..."
    False, Mew and Mewtwo tend to keep a respectable distance from each other. From what I know, they don't live with each other.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    "Hi! Do you want to play? Since I love playing!" Mew said, talking very fast. "Who are you? You are new around here aren't you? I haven't seen anybody besides my friend Mewtwo is such a long time, but now you are here, we can play together! My favorite color is pink, what is yours? Do you like to-"
    Okay, so you capture Mew's personality perfectly here, from an American dub perspective, and consistently too. Obviously, you know and are keeping Mew in character here which is good, even though I think Mew was introduced too quickly which takes away all the awe of it being encountered.

    I wish the same was for Mewtwo.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    "What? Friends? How many times have I told you that no one is allowed to come here!" Mewtwo answered.
    This is a typical Mewtwo response. Stern and disappointed.


    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    "What are you talking about... they can't be here so soon!" Mewtwo said, obviously getting annoyed at Mew. But as soon as he came out of the cave they called their home and actually looked at the seven Pokémon friends, he about fainted.

    "It is you! It is really you! Please come in, yes! We have so much to talk about!" Mewtwo welcome them warmly.
    Mewtwo would not say this, not even to a Pokemon master. Mewtwo would look at these Pokemon and deny them entrance. Your characters have nothing to suggest they have skills better than a legendary Pokemon. The standards for the chosen-one (aka Messiah) are very small to nonexistent and that's a huge problem. Your characters shouldn't get special treatment just because they are the main characters.



    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    So the friends walked into the cave, following Mewtwo and Mew, until they arrived in a large room, stuffed to the max with potions and medicine jars. Mewtwo gestured for them to sit down on some rocks carved to look like chairs, with a table in between them.

    "Well, I have been waiting for this day for so long!" Mewtwo said, with a proud voice.

    "Why? Is it because this was the day we got to eat those yummy blue flowers you made for breakfast that tasted almost like peppermint? Because it was good... or was it because we went to the pond to gather herbs, and you found one with a horrible stench that smelled like wet lillipup? Or was it-"

    "Mew, please stop talking for just one minute!" Mewtwo interrupted Mew, placing his hand over his head with annoyance. "Is that too much to ask for once? And no, none of those things were the reason I am so overjoyed right now..."

    "Oh, sorry... but those flowers were good..."

    "Mew! Really!" Mewtwo quickly and sharply said.

    "Sorry again..." Mew quietly and nervously said back.

    Serperior than gave Mew the cookies she had promised her earlier, to help keep her quiet for at least a little while as Mewtwo spoke with them.

    "As I was saying before," Mewtwo continued, "I thought I may never see the day that the chosen ones and the legendary Pokémon Reshiram and Zekrom showed up at my front door!"
    I'll have to stop here. Essentially, my comments before still stand and there is literally nothing else I can add from looking at your new chapters. The improvements added are very marginal from the first chapter. To be honest, I would totally start the fanfiction from scratch if I were you. This time, go to the drawing board and think very, very deep about what you want to tell and what's new that you can bring to the table for readers. Make sure your characters, plot, and settings are believable and unique.

    Reviewers are just not going to review a story they do not enjoy or can't get into.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    And yes, I have indeed written a fanfic on another forum, but it turned out to be a disaster since it was my first one, no one reviewed it, and because I ended up making it REALLY short since I tried to cut it off so I could make a Pokémon fanfic instead (this one was based on the book series of Guardian's of Ga'Hoole).
    Award Winning Fanfics on Serebii Forums

    For most stories, interest is generated later on as the writer improves or the story gets more complex. Think about what the award winning stories have that yours do not. What percentage of the story is dialogue vs description? Who are the characters and how do they fit in the story?

    Look at winning fanfics for inspiration and compare them with your story. The better the story, the more reviews will come. I'd love it if we can get to the point that I can simply sit and comment on the story itself rather than all the problems with it.




    Want someone to review your fanfiction? Wish granted. I accept fanfiction review requests so just PM me!

  18. #43
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    Thanks so much for the review!!! I think I may end up totally starting over this fan-fic... I have an idea for a new fan-fic that I REALLY think I may want to try... but only thing is, is how do I delete this whole thread? :/ I think it would be good for me to start over, since now that I have had more experience with writing, I could start a new story from scratch... I think when I first created this story, I was in too much of a hurry, added to many characters to keep track of... but thanks so much for your detailed reviews (and yours too, Vernikova!) I REALLY appreciate them... they are helping me know what I should do so I can become a better writer. Oh, and Silent_Vibrava, did you read that abomination of a fan-fic I made on that other forum? Just curious... >.< But yes, how do I delete a thread? XD
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    Thanks so much for the review!!! I think I may end up totally starting over this fan-fic... I have an idea for a new fan-fic that I REALLY think I may want to try...
    Before investing too heavily in the new fic, go to the Author's Cafe and post your idea in the Fic Ideas thread. We can can give feedback on the idea; this includes whether the idea is overused or is interesting to us as readers. That way, you know whether you have an idea and vision worth doing a story on.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    I think it would be good for me to start over, since now that I have had more experience with writing, I could start a new story from scratch... I think when I first created this story, I was in too much of a hurry, added to many characters to keep track of... but thanks so much for your detailed reviews (and yours too, Vernikova!) I REALLY appreciate them... they are helping me know what I should do so I can become a better writer.
    I wouldn't delete this thread if I were you, unless keeping it is against the forum rules. I would keep it around. It might help other aspiring authors too. Plus, Vernikova and I worked hard to reply. If the thread was deleted, I think our post counts would go down, and all the advice we worked hard on would be erased forever.

    When you pull out a better fanfiction, it can be used as a source of inspiration; it can remind beginner writers what happens when authors make the effort to improve their craft.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    Oh, and Silent_Vibrava, did you read that abomination of a fan-fic I made on that other forum? Just curious... >.< But yes, how do I delete a thread? XD
    You have clearly progressed as a writer which is why I spent the time I did replying to your fanfiction.

    The progression is hard to show, because you rush things too quickly. However, if you follow my advice, I think you'll have a lot of fun and make a fanfiction that is enjoyable for most read. I had to delete a story of my own a while back. I was around your age. At first, I was embarrassed where the story went, but it came back being ten times better later on.




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    Alright, thanks so much for the advice! I really appreciate what you both did for me with this thread, and I will keep it around and won't delete it... the journey with this fic was incredible, but as of now I am gonna say that it has been canceled to make underway for a new fan-fic. I will post my idea in the Writer's Café area like Silent_Vibrava has said, to see if it sounds like a good concept for my new story... thanks so much once again you two!

    EDITL: I posted the idea in this thread! Check it out if you want, please... Thanks!

    http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthr...1#post16233682
    Last edited by Cassafrass1999; 2nd August 2013 at 9:57 PM.
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

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