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Thread: The Utopian Quest

  1. #1
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    Default The Utopian Quest

    Hello, everybody, this is my first fan fiction.

    Warning: Contains violence and swearing.

        Spoiler:- PM List:


    Any and all comments are appreciated; I want to improve and sharpen my skills. Without further ado, I present:

    The Utopian Quest

    ~Prologue~





    Cy, wake up! It's time to go!"

    "Uhh, what?" His mind scrambled from the sudden disturbance, he fell out of his bed. He stumbled around for a few seconds before grabbing a chair and sitting down.

    "Don’t you remember?! We’re shifting to Sunyshore City today! You should listen to me instead of always sitting at the computer. I’ve been telling you for the past eight years!" His mother let out an exasperated sigh as she walked hurriedly out of the room.

    “I remember something about Sunyshore…”

    Cyrus yawned and lay in bed for some more time before getting up. He brushed his teeth and got dressed.

    No point taking a bath now when I am going to be stuck in that putrid truck, he thought distastefully.

    “CYRUS! Come quickly and eat your breakfast!” His mother shouted from below.

    “Do I have to?” Cyrus retorted.

    “Of course you have to; I don’t want you to faint once you leave the house!”

    Cyrus sighed and walked down the flight of steps. He hated eating. All that disgusting cauliflower and carrot and radish made him gag.

    “Finally, you’re here. Eat your breakfast quickly.” said his mother.

    Cyrus sat down and ate while thinking about Sunyshore.

    I wish I could stay here. I am going to miss Logan and Trent. Cyrus thought.

    Cyrus finished eating and walked dejectedly to his father’s truck.





    And that's it for the prologue! Review please.
    Last edited by Volcer; 4th September 2013 at 9:33 AM.


    Wild Future ~ Tyrone Walpole
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  2. #2
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    Well, I can't find any spelling mistakes, so that's good!

    “Don’t you remember?! We’re shifting to Sunyshore City today! You should listen to me instead of always sitting at the computer. I’ve been telling you for the past eight years!” His mother let out an exasperated sigh.
    I believe the word you're looking for here is moving, not shifting.

    On the fourth to last line, said shouldn't be capitalized. And on the third to last line there shouldn't be a comma.

    Well, this is certainly going to turn out interesting, if I'm not very much mistaken. A story about the leader of Team Galactic as a youth? It's certainly not cliché, and is definitely an original idea.

    This is your first fic? I thought you did something in collaboration with AWildMew some time back. Or am I mistaken?

    Anyways, good luck with the fanfic in the future!

    Keep Writing!

    -Shymain

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    Quote Originally Posted by Shymain View Post
    Well, I can't find any spelling mistakes, so that's good!



    I believe the word you're looking for here is moving, not shifting.

    On the fourth to last line, said shouldn't be capitalized. And on the third to last line there shouldn't be a comma.

    Well, this is certainly going to turn out interesting, if I'm not very much mistaken. A story about the leader of Team Galactic as a youth? It's certainly not cliché, and is definitely an original idea.

    This is your first fic? I thought you did something in collaboration with AWildMew some time back. Or am I mistaken?

    Anyways, good luck with the fanfic in the future!

    Keep Writing!

    -Shymain
    I thought shifting was right as well...?

    I'll fix the capitalisation error, but the comma isn't wrong.

    It is, yes. About how he founded Team Galactic also. It's not only about his youth though.

    Yes, I did one with him, but it wasn't good. :/

    Thank you for reviewing, I appreciate you taking the time to post one.


    Wild Future ~ Tyrone Walpole
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  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Valaraúkar View Post
    I thought shifting was right as well...?

    I'll fix the capitalisation error, but the comma isn't wrong.

    It is, yes. About how he founded Team Galactic also. It's not only about his youth though.

    Yes, I did one with him, but it wasn't good. :/

    Thank you for reviewing, I appreciate you taking the time to post one.
    Technically, shifting is acceptable, but most people would go with the word moving because it flows better in the sentence.

    The comma is also one of those technical things, as it can go there, but doesn't flow right in the sentence. If you didn't have while it would be perfectly fine, but you shouldn't have both 'while' and a comma, but... Whatever you want!

    -Shymain

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    Hello! Thought I'd come along and give you an extra review to see if I could help you at all

    Well, it's short. Like, even for a prologue short. Like, not even having any paragraphs short--it's just multiple lines of dialogue and bits of action that took me about a minute in total to read. Being short isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's just that you could do so much more and easily flesh it out by giving it depth and description. For example:

    “Cy, wake up! It’s time to go!” The voice of his mother awoke Cyrus from his slumber.

    “Uhh, what?” Cyrus replied.

    “Don’t you remember?! We’re shifting to Sunyshore City today! You should listen to me instead of always sitting at the computer. I’ve been telling you for the past eight years!” His mother let out an exasperated sigh.
    While we get the idea that a boy is lying asleep in his bed and his mother trying to wake him up, that's all we really see. With a bit more time and description, it could become something more like:

    "Cy, wake up! It's time to go!" A boy groggily opened his eyes to find a woman standing over him, staring at him kindly with soft, hazel eyes. The gentility of her expression, however, was somewhat lessened by a sense of urgency.

    "Uhh, what?" His voice husky from hours of sleep, the boy stifled a yawn, pushing his silver hair out of his eyes as his mother gave a sharp reply.

    "Don’t you remember?! We’re shifting to Sunyshore City today! You should listen to me instead of always sitting at the computer. I’ve been telling you for the past eight years!" His mother let out an exasperated sigh as she walked hurriedly out of the room.


    Something like that; it allows three quick lines to become their own paragraphs, and shows the audience what's going on.

    While the idea is quite a novel one (an evil team leader as a then-innocent child? Cool!) not much really happens. Boy wakes up, finds out he's moving, and goes downstairs to eat breakfast and get in a truck. Even for a prologue, it's just not much. If it was meant to introduce the characters, then give us some more insight to their lives--what are they thinking? How are they feeling? You mention that Cyrus is going to miss his friends, which is easily relatable (it's what I was thinking when I moved as a child), but anything else? Is he excited to move, or does he resent moving? Any cold feeling towards his parents for making his decision? If you allow us into the minds of your characters a bit, it will help the audience gain a better idea of what's happening.

    Also:
    Cyrus sat down and ate, while thinking about Sunyshore
    You forgot the period at the end.

    This does have quite some potential, but go ahead and try to develope your writing skills more thoroughly. I have faith that this will end up being good, and if you ever want some help/a review, just give me a shout


    My fic, Drowning.
    Cye of the Torrent is my bishie.
    Credit to Sketchie of Coronet Designs

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    Quote Originally Posted by starliteevee View Post
    Hello! Thought I'd come along and give you an extra review to see if I could help you at all

    Well, it's short. Like, even for a prologue short. Like, not even having any paragraphs short--it's just multiple lines of dialogue and bits of action that took me about a minute in total to read. Being short isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's just that you could do so much more and easily flesh it out by giving it depth and description. For example:



    While we get the idea that a boy is lying asleep in his bed and his mother trying to wake him up, that's all we really see. With a bit more time and description, it could become something more like:

    "Cy, wake up! It's time to go!" A boy groggily opened his eyes to find a woman standing over him, staring at him kindly with soft, hazel eyes. The gentility of her expression, however, was somewhat lessened by a sense of urgency.

    "Uhh, what?" His voice husky from hours of sleep, the boy stifled a yawn, pushing his silver hair out of his eyes as his mother gave a sharp reply.

    "Don’t you remember?! We’re shifting to Sunyshore City today! You should listen to me instead of always sitting at the computer. I’ve been telling you for the past eight years!" His mother let out an exasperated sigh as she walked hurriedly out of the room.


    Something like that; it allows three quick lines to become their own paragraphs, and shows the audience what's going on.

    While the idea is quite a novel one (an evil team leader as a then-innocent child? Cool!) not much really happens. Boy wakes up, finds out he's moving, and goes downstairs to eat breakfast and get in a truck. Even for a prologue, it's just not much. If it was meant to introduce the characters, then give us some more insight to their lives--what are they thinking? How are they feeling? You mention that Cyrus is going to miss his friends, which is easily relatable (it's what I was thinking when I moved as a child), but anything else? Is he excited to move, or does he resent moving? Any cold feeling towards his parents for making his decision? If you allow us into the minds of your characters a bit, it will help the audience gain a better idea of what's happening.

    Also:

    You forgot the period at the end.

    This does have quite some potential, but go ahead and try to develope your writing skills more thoroughly. I have faith that this will end up being good, and if you ever want some help/a review, just give me a shout
    Thanks for the review!

    The characters will be flesh out more in the next few chapters. You're right though, I could do with some description.

    Thanks, I'll fix it.

    I would appreciate reviews. Id you'd like to be notified whenever a chapter comes out, I can add you to the PM list.
    Last edited by Volcer; 3rd August 2013 at 8:20 AM.


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  8. #8
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    Uhh, I gave you my version of it as an example, not for you to use (since those are my words, it's not proper for you to use them in your story). Additionally, I meant for you to try and flesh out all of your story, not just the little bit that I mentioned.


    My fic, Drowning.
    Cye of the Torrent is my bishie.
    Credit to Sketchie of Coronet Designs

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by starliteevee View Post
    Uhh, I gave you my version of it as an example, not for you to use (since those are my words, it's not proper for you to use them in your story). Additionally, I meant for you to try and flesh out all of your story, not just the little bit that I mentioned.
    Well, alright. I'm gonna change some more of it.

    Chapter 1 is on its way.


    Wild Future ~ Tyrone Walpole
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  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Valaraúkar View Post
    Hello, everybody, this is my first fan fiction.

    Warning: Contains violence and swearing.

        Spoiler:- PM List:


    Any and all comments are appreciated; I want to improve and sharpen my skills. Without further ado, I present:

    The Utopian Quest

    ~Prologue~




    Cy, wake up! It's time to go!"

    "Uhh, what?" His mind scrambled from the sudden disturbance, he fell out of his bed. He stumbled around for a few seconds before grabbing a chair and sitting down.

    "Don’t you remember?! We’re shifting to Sunyshore City today! You should listen to me instead of always sitting at the computer. I’ve been telling you for the past eight years!" His mother let out an exasperated sigh as she walked hurriedly out of the room.

    “I remember something about Sunyshore…”

    Cyrus yawned and lay in bed for some more time before getting up. He brushed his teeth and got dressed.

    No point taking a bath now when I am going to be stuck in that putrid truck, he thought distastefully.

    “CYRUS! Come quickly and eat your breakfast!” His mother shouted from below.

    “Do I have to?” Cyrus retorted.

    “Of course you have to; I don’t want you to faint once you leave the house!”

    Cyrus sighed and walked down the flight of steps. He hated eating. All that disgusting cauliflower and carrot and radish made him gag.

    “Finally, you’re here. Eat your breakfast quickly.” Said his mother.

    Cyrus sat down and ate, while thinking about Sunyshore.

    I wish I could stay here. I am going to miss Logan and Trent. Cyrus thought.

    Cyrus finished eating and walked dejectedly to his father’s truck.





    And that's it for the prologue! Review please.
    Perhaps I did not comprehend it correctly. Does Cyrus fall out of bed, grab a chair, sit up, then lay in bed some more before "getting up"?

    I could not find more mistakes or "continuity errors", so I would like to suggest that you add some more description. Perhaps describe what his bedroom looked like. For example, maybe make it messy and filled with complicated tech to imply Cyrus' "craziness" and genius when it came to mechanical things at the same time?

    Also, could I please get added to the PM List?



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    Quote Originally Posted by AWildMew View Post
    Perhaps I did not comprehend it correctly. Does Cyrus fall out of bed, grab a chair, sit up, then lay in bed some more before "getting up"?

    I could not find more mistakes or "continuity errors", so I would like to suggest that you add some more description. Perhaps describe what his bedroom looked like. For example, maybe make it messy and filled with complicated tech to imply Cyrus' "craziness" and genius when it came to mechanical things at the same time?

    Also, could I please get added to the PM List?
    Yeah, description isn't my forte. I'll have to improve on that.

    What I meant is, he did all that, then got back into bed.

    Added.
    Last edited by Volcer; 10th August 2013 at 8:24 PM.


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    I liked it, expecting this to get even better soon!
    Except for the little continuity error that AWildMew pointed out I did not find any more errors.
    Good luck and keep writing!
    Add me to the PM List!
    Thank you!
    I'll be back!

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    Quote Originally Posted by RzK View Post
    I liked it, expecting this to get even better soon!
    Except for the little continuity error that AWildMew pointed out I did not find any more errors.
    Good luck and keep writing!
    Add me to the PM List!
    Thank you!
    I'll be back!
    Thanks!

    Added.


    Wild Future ~ Tyrone Walpole
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    I have claimed the Almighty Charizard.

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    Hey, I checked up on that thing with the comma, and I was right.

    I just asked my English teacher, who has a degree in English. The reason why is that you are treating it as if the words on either side of 'while' as if they were sentences and 'while' as a conjunction, in which case you would be correct. Instead, it is used to represent time, becoming an adverb instead of a conjunction, rendering the comma incorrect.

    And I noticed that you still didn't remove the capitalization of the 'said'.

    -Shymain
    Last edited by Shymain; 12th August 2013 at 9:03 PM.

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shymain View Post
    Hey, I checked up on that thing with the comma, and I was right.

    I just asked my English teacher, who has a degree in English. The reason why is that you are treating it as if the words on either side of 'while' as if they were sentences and 'while' as a conjunction, in which case you would be correct. Instead, it is used to represent time, becoming an adverb instead of a conjunction, rendering the comma incorrect.

    And I noticed that you still didn't remove the capitalization of the 'said'.

    -Shymain
    Thanks a lot for that clarification; I'll edit it now. Thanks for taking the time to ask your teacher.

    I have now, I forgot to D;


    Wild Future ~ Tyrone Walpole
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    Yeah, that's fine! I don't mind spending my time to help improve fics!

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    Good to know. =)

    Chapter 1 is on its way.


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