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Thread: AngelShipping (PatamonxGatomon): The Ultimate Test

  1. #1
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    Default AngelShipping (PatamonxGatomon): The Ultimate Test

    (Prologue)

    It was a dark day in the Digital World and something just didn't feel right. Patamon looked at where Gatomon was, only to find her gone “Gatomon where are you?” Patamon shrieked in absolute fear. A few minutes later a gale force wind blew towards the scared Patamon...

    --------------------------------------------------------------------

    This is my first fanfic. I would love some advice and feedback

    "Well I'm walking by the red light
    Gonna find me all that I'm owed
    And I know where I'm gonna be then
    When the red light's gonna shine on me"

  2. #2
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    Awsome so far send me the link once finished XD
    I love Eevee!!!

    [IMG]http://i40.*******.com/2119lef.gif[/IMG]
    ~A credit to ShinyGirl for the Eevee lickie~

  3. #3
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    I am here with an update

    (Chapter 1: The Foreign Land)

    Patamon slowly awoke only to find himself in a place unfamiliar to him. The land was barren with a few trees but these were no ordinary trees, these trees were an odd black with what appeared to be control spires as branches. At this point Patamon was fearing the worst, what if he was separated from Gatomon forever, Patamon started to cry at his thoughts when all of a sudden he heard a dark, evil voice “If you seek the one you love, you will never find her” said the voice laughing at Patamon's fear before trailing off into the distance. The scared and now famished Patamon walked a few more steps before falling unconscious.

    The next day Patamon woke to find himself tucked into a bed inside of a nice, little cottage. “Is anybody here?” Patamon asked.
    The mystery Digimon approached Patamon then said “Oh good, you're awake, would you like me to get you anything?”
    “Yes please, some food would be nice” replied the famished Patamon.
    “Coming right up and by the way I am Lunamon” answered Lunamon. Lunamon then headed for the kitchen to get Patamon something to eat when all of a sudden Lunamon crashed to the floor, despite how hungry Patamon was, he got up to check on Lunamon. It was bad, she had a high fever and a weak yet stable pulse.


    Patamon looked in the cabinet for some medicine and gave it to Lunamon. The still weak Lunamon woke up and thanked Patamon, she then gave Patamon some unusual berries. “I've only heard of these berries in myths” said Patamon puzzled.
    “They only grow in this area of the Digiworld” answered Lunamon.
    “That is interesting to hear, thank you Lunamon” Patamon ate the berries at a breakneck pace “I have to get going now, there is someone I need to find who I am worried sick about”
    “Ok Patamon, take care” said Lunamon.
    Patamon nodded in reply then exited the house, Patamon thought about where he should go then started walking towards the east, but little did he know, there was somebody following him.


    EDIT: Adding to Chapter 1 soon
    Last edited by SilverChiko; 7th August 2013 at 9:15 AM.

    "Well I'm walking by the red light
    Gonna find me all that I'm owed
    And I know where I'm gonna be then
    When the red light's gonna shine on me"

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by HeroicRein View Post
    (Prologue)

    It was a dark day in the Digital World and something just didn't feel right. Patamon looked at where Gatomon was, only to find her gone “Gatomon where are you?” Patamon shrieked in absolute fear. A few minutes later a gale force wind blew towards the scared Patamon...

    This was just too short, I suggest you make it longer...

    Also...

    Patamon looked at where Gatomon was, only to find her gone
    You forgot to put a full stop ( . ) at the end.

    Patamon looked at where Gatomon was, only to find her gone “Gatomon where are you?” Patamon shrieked in absolute fear. A few minutes later a gale force wind blew towards the scared Patamon...
    The speeches in the inverted commas have to start from a new line. Press Enter two times to make sure.

    For example:

    Patamon looked at where Gatomon was, only to find her gone.

    “Gatomon where are you?” Patamon shrieked in absolute fear.

    A few minutes later a gale force wind blew towards the scared Patamon...
    That is how you should present it.

    Quote Originally Posted by HeroicRein View Post
    I am here with an update

    (Chapter 1: The Foreign Land)

    Patamon slowly awoke only to find himself in a place unfamiliar to him. The land was barren with a few trees but these were no ordinary trees, these trees were an odd black with what appeared to be control spires as branches. At this point Patamon was fearing the worst, what if he was separated from Gatomon forever, Patamon started to cry at his thoughts when all of a sudden he heard a dark, evil voice “If you seek the one you love, you will never find her” said the voice laughing at Patamon's fear before trailing off into the distance. The scared and now famished Patamon walked a few more steps before falling unconscious.

    The next day Patamon woke to find himself tucked into a bed inside of a nice, little cottage. “Is anybody here?” Patamon asked.
    The mystery Digimon approached Patamon then said “Oh good, you're awake, would you like me to get you anything?”
    “Yes please, some food would be nice” replied the famished Patamon.
    “Coming right up and by the way I am Lunamon” answered Lunamon. Lunamon then headed for the kitchen to get Patamon something to eat when all of a sudden Lunamon crashed to the floor, despite how hungry Patamon was, he got up to check on Lunamon. It was bad, she had a high fever and a weak yet stable pulse.


    Patamon looked in the cabinet for some medicine and gave it to Lunamon. The still weak Lunamon woke up and thanked Patamon, she then gave Patamon some unusual berries. “I've only heard of these berries in myths” said Patamon puzzled.
    “They only grow in this area of the Digiworld” answered Lunamon.
    “That is interesting to hear, thank you Lunamon” Patamon ate the berries at a breakneck pace “I have to get going now, there is someone I need to find who I am worried sick about”
    “Ok Patamon, take care” said Lunamon.
    Patamon nodded in reply then exited the house, Patamon thought about where he should go then started walking towards the east, but little did he know, there was somebody following him.


    EDIT: Adding to Chapter 1 soon
    First of all, you cannot just post part of a chapter and then edit it later. You must post the full chapter at once.

    (Chapter 1: The Foreign Land)

    Patamon slowly awoke only to find himself in a place unfamiliar to him. The land was barren with a few trees, but these were no ordinary trees, these trees were an odd black with what appeared to be control spires as branches. At this point Patamon was fearing the worst, what if he was separated from Gatomon forever? Patamon started to cry at his thoughts when all of a sudden he heard a dark, evil voice.

    “If you seek the one you love, you will never find her” said the voice laughing at Patamon's fear before trailing off into the distance. The scared and now famished Patamon walked a few more steps before falling, unconscious.

    The next day, Patamon woke to find himself tucked into a bed inside a nice, little cottage.

    “Is anybody here?” Patamon asked.

    “Oh good, you're awake, would you like me to get you anything?” said the mystery Digimon approaching Patamon.

    “Yes, please, some food would be nice!” replied the famished Patamon.

    “Coming right up and by the way, I am Lunamon.” answered Lunamon. Lunamon then headed for the kitchen to get Patamon something to eat, when all of a sudden, Lunamon crashed to the floor.

    Despite how hungry Patamon was, he got up to check on Lunamon. It was bad; she had a high fever and a weak yet stable pulse.

    Patamon looked in the cabinet for some medicine and gave it to Lunamon. The still weak Lunamon woke up and thanked Patamon; she then gave Patamon some unusual berries.

    “I've only heard of these berries in myths.” said Patamon, puzzled.

    “They only grow in this area of the Digiworld” answered Lunamon.

    “That is interesting to hear, thank you, Lunamon!” Patamon ate the berries at a breakneck pace.

    “I have to get going now, there is someone I need to find, who I am worried sick about.”

    “Ok, Patamon, take care!” said Lunamon.

    Patamon nodded in reply then exited the house. Patamon thought about where he should go, then started walking towards the east, but little did he know, there was somebody following him.
    This version has the grammatical and format mistakes fixed. However, you still need to make it longer.

    Please attempt to use proper grammar and this Fan Fiction would be much better.

    I love Gatomon and Patamon, so good luck with this!
    Last edited by Mew The Gato; 12th August 2013 at 10:43 AM.



    I have officially claimed Mew (Pokemon), Poo (EarthBound) and EarthBound itself.

  5. #5
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    Thanks for the advice, I will make it longer and edit it

    "Well I'm walking by the red light
    Gonna find me all that I'm owed
    And I know where I'm gonna be then
    When the red light's gonna shine on me"

  6. #6
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    Make sure your fan fic complies with the criteria that is mentioned in the rules. At the moment the thread is at risk of being closed as it could be considered too short. I think the prologue and chapter could be merged together and perhaps you could make it even better. Now there's nothing wrong with short fics and some people prefer short and some prefer long but I think you need to get the balance right. But like someone already mentioned, you have to post the whole chapter once it's finished.


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  7. #7
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    You've had plenty of time to read the rules and edit your fic accordingly and have not done so. Chapters need to be at least two pages long, and while there is technically no minimum length requirement for prologues, three lines is obviously much too short. You can only post chapters once they're finished - don't post something in-progress. Also, you should be starting a new paragraph each time a new character speaks, and skipping a line each time a new paragraph begins, like so.

    You should also be concentrating more on describing characters and places. Set the scene on the day Gatomon goes missing - where is she and Patamon, what's the weather like, what time of day is it? Readers might be more familiar with some Digimon, but for instance I have no idea what Lunamon looks like, so you can take a moment to describe them.

    Since this breaks so many of the rules, I am closing your thread. Please read the Fan Fiction Rules before posting again.

    ~Psychic

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