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Thread: Destiny Bonds

  1. #1
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    Default Destiny Bonds

    ~~~~ ANNOUNCEMENT ~~~~~

    I am going to be continuing this story only on fanfiction.net with the username "Whootowl" from now on. Thanks for understanding everyone! <3


    *credit to Sworn Metalhead of Dćdric Design ✠ for the banner!

    Well, after my old fan-fic called The Quest of Justice and Truth didn't do so well, it became canceled for this new fic to come underway. I hope it does better than my old fic did, and I would really appreciate any reviews or people who would take the time to read through my story to give their thoughts on it! Thanks so much! Enjoy!

    EDIT: Many of my fan-fic reviewers have been getting confused as to why Sky is a boy, and I am a girl. The answer is simple really - Sky isn't based on me at all. Even though this is a PMD fic (in a way), Sky is in no ways based on me. Just wanted to clear this up for everone!


        Spoiler:- PM List:


    Chapter One: The Machine and the Accident...

    As I walked through the laboratory, the wind began to pick up outside. I looked at all of the bottles full of liquid that were stacked high on shelves, and the machines that were scattered throughout the room in random spots. The tiles on the floor shined in the light of the thunder, and the lights that hung high above the ceiling flickered. I was beginning to wonder if it was such a good idea to have come here, despite what Professor Juniper had written to me in the letter I had received.


    "Hello?" I called out. "Professor? Are you home?"

    Suddenly, the lights flickered and went out. I figured that the thunderstorm must have knocked the city's power out. It was sure windy and blustery outside, and rain drizzled down on the windows as I walked through the suddenly dark room.

    "Is anyone here?" I cautiously cried out. This place was giving me the creeps.

    "Ah, is someone there?" I heard a gentle but firm voice call in the distance. "Sky, is that you?"

    "Yes, it is me Professor! I got your letter... what did you mean by you wanted to show me something? Or some new invention of yours, rather." I answered her back. I was relieved to know that the Professor was indeed here.

    "Ack, I can't see a thing... hold on while I get the generator going." She replied back, sounding a little flustered.

    "You have a generator?" I curiously asked.

    "Yes... as a back up in case the power goes out for my laboratory experiments." I could hear her trying to walk towards the right side of the room, thumping against the wall as I guessed she was trying to find the area with the switch for the generator.

    "Ah, here it is..." She then pulled the switch, and the lights began to gradually come back on. "Now, yes, I did indeed want to show you something. Follow me."

    As we walked along through a long hallway, I gained the courage to ask her something I had been pondering.

    "Professor, why do you want to show me this machine? Why not someone else? I am just curious..."

    "Sky," she began, "I have known you all your life, ever since you were a baby. We are great friends, and I wanted you to be the first to see my machine!" She said this with a soft smile on her face as she looked down at me.

    I just smiled back, while we entered another large room. This room looked much like the last, with potions stacking high up against the walls on shelves, with machines on every side of the room. There was one that stood out, however, in the very middle of the room, that was much larger than the rest. On the front of it there was a metal door, and on top there were two rather large antenna sticking out. It reached almost all the way up to the ceiling, and I gasped in awe at it as the Professor began explaining what it does.

    "I have been working on this machine for a very long time now, about five years, but it is finally almost complete! This machine has the ability to transform humans into Pokémon, but there are still a few kinks and glitches that I have to fix with it. But other than that, this machine is truly one of a kind!" She explained this all to me, with a proud air to her.

    "Wow, that is amazing Professor!" I replied back to her with surprise. "I didn't even know that was possible!"

    All of a sudden, a pink Minccino wondered into the room, with a sad look on its face.

    "What's wrong, Minnie?" The Professor asked the Pokémon. "You look kind of upset..."

    "Is that a Shiny Minccino, Professor?" I asked her.

    "Why yes, it is Sky! You are very knowledgeable about Pokémon, I can tell." She replied back with a smile on her face.

    "Min..." Minnie said with a look of pure sadness on her face.

    "Hmmm... what could be troubling you?" The Professor said as she scooped up the Pokémon and put it in her arms. "Wait, I think I know! It is almost eight o' clock, and way past your dinner time! Did I forget to feed you? I am so sorry... Sky, I will be right back after I give Minnie some food... you stay here, but don't touch that machine, got it? It is still being worked on, and isn't 100% complete!" She told me, as she began walking towards the kitchen.

    The room was quite for a moment, except for the thunder and pitter-patter of raindrops on the window. I tried to take my mind off of the machine, but couldn't... so I decided to go up to it and check it out. The inside was very nice looking, with a velvet seat and a nice interior. There was a large switch inside, which I assumed if you flipped would activate the machine. The door of the machine was cracked ever so slightly. I thought about going in, just to check it out. But what would happen to the Professor if she caught me sneaking into it? I reassured myself and said that it wouldn't happen as long as I was careful... I then crept inside of the machine.

    The machine was a cool temperature inside, as I went over to the seat to sit down. I looked around. There were many switches and buttons all over the place, and two large windows to look outside from. I then got up to look out of them, when I saw the Professor come into the room.

    "Sky!" She yelled furiously. "What are you doing in there?!"

    "Ack!" Her presence caught me so off guard that I bumped into the large switch I had seen earlier with my elbow, which caused the machine to turn on. I then fell backwards on the chair inside of the machine.

    "Sky!" The Professor yelled as she ran over to the machine, trying to open the door. But it had already automatically locked, and there was no way to get inside without doing serious damage to the machine. "No!"

    I yelled as the machine started to spin. I felt like I might be sick. Then all of a sudden, I got thrown into a large forest, with large trees surrounding me. Although, I didn't feel normal. I seemed hotter than usual.

    "I must be hallucinating..." I said to myself. "But where am I...?"

    "Hi!" A voice called from behind me. I jumped out of my skin.

    "Ahhh! Who's there?!" I yelled, freaked out.

    "Oops, sorry if I scared you... my name is Swoobat." Said the voice once again.

    "Swoobat...? Wait... that is the name of a Pokémon!" I slowly began to turn around. "You're a Pokémon! How can I understand you?!"

    "Uh... you are weird. No offense, but you should know why." The Swoobat said back. "What's your name?"

    "Sky." I said back quickly, starting to feel like I was going crazy.

    "Sky? That's a weird name for an Absol." The Swoobat chuckled back.

    "An Absol?!" My fears had been confirmed. I was indeed a Pokémon.

    "Uh... yeah. You always have been, silly! Come on, I think you need some help... are you hungry?"

    "Yeah..." I said back. "A little bit..."

    "Well, come on to my place. I have plenty of food. And you can meet my friend Joltik!" He said back to me happily. "Come on! Follow me!"

    "A Joltik?" I said back. I was starting to freak out on the inside. I am a Pokémon! But I had to figure out a way to get out of here... the machine was gone. I didn't see it anywhere! And how was I going to explain to these Pokémon that I wasn't one of them, but a human?!
    Last edited by Cassafrass1999; 30th January 2014 at 12:59 AM.

  2. #2
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    Ooh, a PMD fic! This looks interesting!

    I LOVE this spin on Bill's machine, it's hilarious and ominous all at the same time!

    So, you're an Absol? That's certainly an original one... Most people wouldn't choose Absol.

    You need to work on contractions and commas a bit, an example of where for the former being here:
    "Now, yes I did indeed want to show you something. Follow me."
    There should be another comma after yes.
    And for the former:
    "Sky? That is a weird name for an Absol." The Swoobat chuckled back.
    'That is' can technically stay the same, but it runs smoother when it's a contraction, 'that's'. Usually, 'that is' is used to emphasize when someone's speaking, but when you're just using it casually, it turns into 'that's'.

    Yeah, that's really all the crit I have! Please put me on the PM list!

    Keep Writing!

    -Shymain

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    Ohmygosh, a review!!! Thanks so much! But the funny thing is, is that I have never actually played PMD lol (as of yet anyways). XD And I don't know what Bill's Machine is as of yet, lol (I am kinda new to Pokémon, hehe...) XD But sorry for my lack of knowledge, but what exactly is a PM list? >.< I will fix the mistakes and such in the chapter when I have time (probably tomorrow), but you bet that I am gonna keep on writing! Haha! Oh, and I chose Absol since I love them and have never seen them in this type of fic before... thought it would be neat to have it be in the story! :3

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    Hmmm .... a trainer named Sky(You) visited professior Juniper's lab after getting her letter.
    Professor Juniper showed her new invention. When Pro. Juniper was away ..... Out of curiosity, Sky touched the Machine and after getting distracted, she accidently fell inside of it.
    Then the machine turned her into an Absol (wow, a reference to Bill's machine!) and now she's wondering if she can get back into human again?
    I think this is an interesting plotline ..... I'm still wondering about how she ended up in a forest?
    I hope you'll explain more about the machine's effects in the next chapters.
    Keep up the good work, I'll wait for more chapters.
    Last edited by PokemontrainerY; 6th August 2013 at 8:57 PM.

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    EDIT: Thanks for the review, NewPokemonTrainer! I really appreciate it... and yeah, there will be LOTS revealed in the next few chapters (hopefully, depending on where the story goes). I will be sure to keep you posted, but until then, here is chapter two!

    Chapter Two: New Friends, and a Secret is Revealed...

    "Here we are!" Swoobat announced, as we walked into a large room that was carved out of a large old oak tree. There was furniture on all sides of the room, such as a table with chairs. A large pantry stuffed full of berries was on the opposite side of where we were, and they looked delicious. I was about to go towards them after Swoobat had started to fly over to them when I heard a small but firm voice coming from under my left front paw.

    "Hey!" The voice said. "Watch where you are walking, please!"

    "Huh?" I said as I quickly lifted up my paw, to reveal a small furry spider that had been squished under it. "Oh my gosh, sorry! I didn't see you there..." I said sympathetically as soon as I had seen what I had just done to the poor little Pokémon.

    "Oh, it's OK... happens all the time." He said back to me as he stood up and shook his fur to fluff it out once more. "But who are you? Swoobat, where did you find this Absol?"

    "Oh, I met him in the woods." Swoobat told her friend. "His name is Sky. He was hungry so I brought him back here to have dinner with us.

    "Well hi then!" The small, but furry Pokémon began. "I am Joltik! It is nice to meet you!"

    We then shook paws (or claws? Whatever). It was rather amusing as he was so tiny compared to me or Swoobat.

    "Now, I was just getting ready to roast these berries... please hold on a second as I get them roasting on the fire." Joltik then skittered towards the berries. "Ah, here we go... a nice large and juicy one. Swoobat, could you please be of an assistance to me?"

    "Sure! To pick up the berries for you I assume?" She giggled back at him.

    "Correct Madame..." Joltik replied with a French accent, jokingly.

    "OK... these Pokémon are kinda creeping me out." I thought to myself.

    About ten minutes later, after being roasted over an open fire in the right side of the room, the berries were finally done. I was a bit hesitant to eat them at first, since I had never eaten berries like this - roasted on a fire.

    "Come on, Sky! Eat up! Haven't you ever had delicious roasted berries before?" Joltik said to me, as he ate his own berry.

    "No, actually I haven't..." I said back to him.

    "Seriously? That is just sad..." Swoobat said. She then leaned over to Joltik and whispered something in his ear. They both giggled.

    "Are you talking about how 'weird' I am?" I asked them, a little insulted. "Because if so-"

    "Awww, sorry about that Sky... I was just telling Joltik about how we met and stuff." Swoobat said this while smiling but trying to hold back some giggles.

    "Yeah!" Joltik said, trying to help Swoobat along with this.

    I just rolled my eyes... I was in a bad mood. I was starving now. I thought I should try to eat the berry... but should I? I mean, it looked gross... but as I pondered all of this, Swoobat came over and shoved the berry into my mouth!

    "What did you do that for?!" I said with my mouth full, trying to chew up the berry so I could swallow it. I was now really angry at the fluffy bat...

    "Well, I couldn't help myself! We told you to eat the berry, but you wouldn't... that is why I decided to help you with it. See?" Swoobat said rolling around on the floor holding her sides with her wings since she was laughing so hard.

    "Swoobat! That wasn't funny you know..." Joltik said menacingly to the bat, despite his small size.

    "Yeah..." I said back to Swoobat, trying to contain my anger. But surprisingly, there was a sweet taste in my mouth from the berry... it had actually been good!

    "So, you like my famous roasted berries?" Joltik asked me, with a slight proud air to his voice.

    "Yeah... yeah, actually!" I said slowly. "Can you make some more?!"

    "Haha, of course he can! Right, Joltik?" Swoobat said, winking at the spider.

    "Of course!" He replied back, giggling.

    Later that night, after we had all eaten our fill, we sat down together outside looking at the stars. There were more than I had ever seen before, millions, trillions, probably billions I assumed. I tried counting them to take my mind off of this whole predicament, but it didn't work. I then watched the Illumise and Volbeat who were lighting up the night with their blinking lights, but couldn't stay focused on that either. I then asked Swoobat and Joltik something that had been on my mind, as a Swoobat and Joltik (or any cross-species relationship), isn't a very common thing to see based on the books I had read...

    "So, how did you guys meet each other? I mean, no offense, but it is kinda strange seeing a Swoobat and Joltik be such great friends..." I gently asked the two Pokémon.

    "Well, when Joltik was in trouble I came to rescue him... it was when he was being mobbed by a band of Murkrow". Swoobat began, looking at her friend with warm eyes.

    "Yes, they were wanting to make me into a snack for them! But Swoobat soon swooped in and saved the day... for me at least." He chuckled, looking back at his friend with the same warm eyes.

    "I see." I said back to them, interested. "That sounds really cool."

    "Yeah... we have been friends ever since." Swoobat gently sighed.

    "I have something to tell you guys too... please don't freak out once I tell you this." I began. Swoobat and Joltik just looked back at me in sheer curiosity. "I actually... never mind." I said as I began to feel as if this wasn't such a good idea.

    "Hey, don't worry, you can tell us anything Sky!" Swoobat said to me softly.

    "Yeah, what's bothering you?" Joltik asked curiously.


    "Well... I wasn't sure if I should tell you this, but I am actually... not one of you. I am a human, not a Pokémon." I finally said after taking a deep breath.

    "What?!" The two Pokémon gasped. Had it been a good idea to tell them the truth about this situation? I would soon find out...
    Last edited by Cassafrass1999; 9th August 2013 at 12:30 AM.

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    It looks like Sky made two new Pokemon friends. After spending some time with them, she told them her secret ...... I wonder how they'll take it.

    This story is getting good, keep it up.
    Last edited by PokemontrainerY; 6th August 2013 at 9:22 PM.
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    Are we not just silly people writing silly complaints on this message board?

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    Haha, yup! Thanks for looking over the new chapter... oh and by the way, no offense, but just so you know Sky is a boy... although it does kinda sound like a girl name, but that is beside the point lol. ^^;

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    Noooooo! Evil cliffhangers!

    I really like the character development going on here, and the way that you dealt with the experiences that would seem strange to a Pokčmon that was formerly human.

    Really, you're a quite good author! I think that you're good with describing emotions, especially in awkward moments.

    Keep Writing!

    -Shymain

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    Thanks so much!!! This story is turning out to be a lot better than my last fan-fic I think, hehe... Here is Chapter Three (I have been in a real "writing" mood lately, hehe...)

    Chapter Three: Surprises and Incidents...

    Swoobat was the first to respond to my statement. "What do you mean, you aren't a Pokémon?! You've got to be joking, right?!"

    Joltik just kept sitting there with his mouth gaping open as he stared at me in disbelief.

    I took a deep breath, and slowly began to answer them. "No, it is the truth..." I then began to explain all what had happened with the machine, Professor, and everything else...

    "Woah..." Was all Joltik could utter. He was still shocked, I could tell. Swoobat was taking this a little better, but not by much.

    "So you mean to tell me that you are a human, but not a Pokémon?" She asked me, with a large frown on her face.

    "Yeah, I have already explained everything... why do you keep asking me this question over and over? That is all there is to it... I promise you that I am indeed a human." I was starting to get mildly irritated at the bat and all of her questions.

    "Well, I am sorry if my questions are being annoying to you... it is just that I am shocked to hear about this!" She replied back to me, in a soft tone.

    "Yeah, well now you know... we don't have to make this into a huge ordeal guys. I need to find out how to turn back into a human, and fast!" The more I talked about the subject, the more angry I got with this whole situation, but the more I got scared as well... what was going to happen to me?

    Swoobat and Joltik exchanged sad glances. "But then we won't have you as our friend anymore." Joltik told me.

    I looked at them sympathetically. I had to admit that I would miss them... but I still needed to figure out how to return back to human form, and how to get out of these woods (which I still didn't know how I had ended up in), so I could get home!

    "Guys..." I began. "I know this is hard for you, but it is for me as well. But I can't just stay here with you guys in this form forever... I have a home I need to get back to, and a Pokémon journey to keep going on!"

    "You are a Pokémon trainer?" Swoobat quickly asked me. "What is that?"

    "You don't know?!" I said back. I then explained to them exactly what a Pokémon trainer was and what they do. "Let me get them out of your balls so I can show y-"

    I cut off my sentence as I realized I didn't have my clothes, or my Pokémon Belt with my Pokeballs on it anymore...

    "What's wrong, Sky?" Joltik asked with a curious look on his face. "Aren't you going to get your Pokémon our of their balls so we can meet them?"

    "I... I actually can't, since my clothes seem to have been left in the human world or something, and my belt with my Pokeballs is gone." I said this with a disappointed look on my face.

    "Hey, isn't that a belt around your waist?" Swoobat pointed out. I hurried and turned my head, and sure enough there was a black strip of fabric going around my waist!

    "Hey, you're right, Swoobat!" I happily said as I tried to reach for my belt. I tried to get my paws to reach for the belt, so I could take it off, but I couldn't get them to reach... and even if they had, it would have almost been impossible for me to have unclasped it. "Uh, guys, a little help here please?" I said awkwardly at my friends who were now laughing their heads off as they watched me try to take off the belt.

    "Sure... haha!" Swoobat said as she flew over to me, and tried to use her wing to unhook the belt from me, but her wings wouldn't allow her to do so.

    "Uh... I can't get it either! Joltik, can you try?" She asked the spider Pokémon.

    "How am I supposed to take off that huge belt, at my size?" He quickly said back to her, getting irritated.

    "You're right, sorry." Swoobat blushed. As I continued to try to reach for the belt, and Swoobat tried to wrap her wings around it so she could yank it off, Joltik just sat there and laughed. Finally, after about ten minutes of this, he simply said: "Why don't you just try unhooking the belt clips, instead of trying to yank it off?"

    We just stared at the arachnid blankly. How stupid of us to not have thought to do that sooner. I guessed that Swoobat was thinking the same thing.

    "Yeah, why didn't we?" Swoobat asked as she glared at me. "You are the Pokémon trainer after all."

    "What does that have to do with anything?!" I said back, angrily. I sat up, and began to patiently wait for Swoobat to unhook the belt clips. It took another ten minutes or so, but she finally got them unhooked. Don't ask me how she did it with her wings, however.

    "Great job!" Joltik praised us.

    "Now hurry up and show us your new Pokémon, please!" Swoobat added.

    "Alright, alright..." I then tried to take off a random Poke ball from the belt. "Serperior, I choose you!"

    Then there was silence.

    "Uh..." Swoobat began. "I don't see a Serperior anywhere around."

    "Yeah..." Joltik said, eyeing me curiously.

    "Well..." I began, embarrassingly. "I can't get a hold of the ball with these paws."

    Swoobat and Joltik just stared at me, and then burst out laughing.

    "Seriously?" Swoobat said, as she began to come towards me. "Alright... let's try this instead."

    We then took a good half-hour just trying to get me to be able to hold the Poke balls so I could throw them. It took a while, but I finally was able to get a knack for holding the balls with my rather large paws.

    "Alright, let's try this again. Serperior, I choose you!" I yelled as I threw the Pokeball, correctly this time. The ball soon popped open, as my beloved Serperior came out.

    "This is Serperior!" I proudly announced to my friends. My Serperior just looked down at me cautiously, as it noticed my obvious change of form. "Don't worry, it is still me buddy!"

    "I know, silly." A voice suddenly said.

    "Huh, who was that? Was that you Swoobat; or you, Joltik?" The two Pokémon just shook their heads.

    "It was your Serperior, silly!" Swoobat chuckled.

    "What?!" I yelled. "I can actually understand my Pokémon now?!"

    "Well, yeah, duh!" Joltik said, trying to conceal some chuckles. "You are a Pokémon yourself now, remember? If you can understand us, you can obviously understand your own Pokémon as well!"

    "Is that true, Serperior?" I cautiously asked him.

    "Uh... duh! You just heard me a minute ago!" Serperior laughed, as he came over to me and gave me a hug, which about made me choke.

    "Ack, stop squeezing me Serperior! Please, you are making me not be able to breath!" I said as I gasped for air.

    "Oh, sorry about that..." Serperior than backed off with a sad look on his face.

    "Don't worry about it." I said back, forcing a smile. "You didn't mean to. And anyways, this is so cool... I can actually talk to you! Haha! Let's release everyone else as well so we can all chat!"

    I then began to throw my five other Poke balls, as one by one my other Pokémon came out. First, my Pidgeot came out of its ball. It looked curiously at me as an Absol.

    "Pidgeot, it's still me, I promise!" I said with a warm smile on my face.

    My Pidgeot came over and began to cuddle up against me. She had always been a very sweet Pokémon of mine, as she was one of the first I had ever trained to its last stage.

    Next my Pikachu was released from its ball. He sat up on its haunches and looked at me with a puzzled look on it's face, but he soon realized that I was indeed its trainer. He then hurried over and climbed up on top of my head like he always did back when I was a human.

    I released my Caterpie next. He squirmed over to me and crawled onto my back. I had always treated him as my little baby Pokémon, and he knew it. He was a special Pokémon, as I had prevented him from evolving any further on purpose, by using my Pokedex.

    Zoroark came out next. He was happily surprised to see me as a Pokémon just like himself, and we soon started up a decent conversation.

    Finally my Salamence came out of its ball. The large Pokémon looked even larger than before at my new, shorter height. But he hurried and jumped onto me in a huge dragon hug, which about crushed me to death.

    "Here are all of my Pokémon!" I proudly announced to Swoobat and Joltik, after I had been able to get Salamence off of me. As soon as I said this, they all took off together to play and talk. I ran after them.

    "Hey guys, wait for me!" I yelled playfully. My Pokémon hurried and ran over to me, and we all played in the grass together. It was fun being a Pokémon and being able to communicate with my own Pokémon, but I still missed being a human Pokémon Trainer. Would I be able to be one ever again?
    Last edited by Cassafrass1999; 17th August 2013 at 8:38 PM.

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    Oh, wow. That is sheer originality.

    Having your own Pokčmon in the Pokčmon world? Genius.

    I really loved the interactions and reactions that occurred after Sky revealed his secret. Distrust? Uneasiness? Spot-on.

    Just one mistake: at the very beginning, you said
    Swoobat was the first to respond back to my statement.
    You shouldn't say respond back, just say respond.

    Keep Writing!

    -Shymain

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    Wow, thanks for the great review! I will fix that mistake, and get to work on the next chapter ASAP (probably tomorrow or the day after, but most likely tomorrow).

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    Awesome Fan-Fic Cassafrass! absol-utely amasing! keep it up i am looking forward to reading to tommorow!


    Thankz to Astral Shadow for the team pose, and Myself for the banner!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    As I walked through the laboratory, the wind began to pick up outside. I looked at all of the bottles full of liquid that were stacked high on shelves, and the machines that were scattered throughout the room in random spots.
    Interesting, I wonder what type of bottles these are. I am assuming they are for scientific experiments? Regardless, I think first person is a good choice for you as the story already seems to flow better.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    I was beginning to wonder if it was such a good idea to have come here after what Professor Juniper had written to me in the letter I had received.The tiles on the floor shined in the light of the thunder and lights that hung high above on the ceiling.
    The second part of this sentence is a fragment, and I got confused. I would change it to this: The tiles on the floor shined in the light of the thunder, and the lights that hung high above the ceiling flickered.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    I was beginning to wonder if it was such a good idea to have come here after what Professor Juniper had written to me in the letter I had received.
    You have already made very good improvements to your story over the original one, so I think you are ready for a new lesson; let's learn about flow. This sentence is hard for me, the reader, to take in. It is a run on sentence, and the reader needs to pause. Try reading this sentence out loud without pausing until the period. Do you run out of breath?

    Like envisioning the scenario in your head before writing it, one must also pay attention to their sentences. When you are writing a story, you must be conscious of so many things. If in doubt that a sentence is too long, read it out loud. If you cannot comfortably read it due to running short of breath, chop it up. You can use a comma to accomplish this.

    Change the sentence to this: I was beginning to wonder if it was such a good idea to have come here, despite what Professor Juniper had written to me in the letter I had received.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    ...cities power out.
    Should be city's instead.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    "Sky," she began, "I have known you all your life, ever since you were a baby. We are great friends, and I wanted you to be the first to see my machine!" She said this with a soft smile on her face as she looked down at me.
    That's interesting. I can guess the main character is young based on Juniper being so much taller than he/she. By the way is Sky a boy or a girl? Sky is a unisex name from my living experiences in southern California.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    I just smiled back, while we entered another large room. This room looked much like the last, with potions stacking high up against the walls on shelves, with machines on every side of the room. There was one that stood out, however, in the very middle of the room, that was much larger than the rest. On the front of it there was a metal door, and on top there were two rather large antenna sticking out. It reached almost all the way up to the ceiling, and I gasped in awe at it as the Professor began explaining what it does.
    Good description.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    All of a sudden, a Pink Minccino wondered into the room, with a sad look on its face.
    Pink should be "pink"; there is no need to capitalize a descriptive word unless it is an official proper noun (like part of a name).

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    "Sky!" The Professor yelled as she ran over to the machine, trying to open the door. But it had already automatically locked, and there was no way to get inside without doing serious damage to the machine. "No!"

    "Ahhh!" I yelled as the machine started to spin. I felt like I might be sick. Then all of a sudden, I got thrown into a large forest, with large trees surrounding me. Although, I didn't feel normal. I seemed hotter than usual.
    I would remove the "Ahhh!" Basically, everyone knows what a yell is like, so it is sort of a redundancy.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    "A Joltik?" I said back. I was starting to freak out on the inside. I am a Pokémon! But I had to figure out a way to get out of here... the machine was gone. I didn't see it anywhere! And how was I going to explain to these Pokémon that I wasn't one of them, but a human?!
    Actually, I find this premise to be very interesting. Turning into a Pokemon by a freak lab accident? I haven't seen that yet... I wonder if there will be some snippets of Juniper explaining this to Sky's parents, and a separate story arc of her searching the countryside for the poor child. The end was rushed which is a shame, because it was the most interesting part of the first chapter.

    [
    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    "Well, I couldn't help myself! We told you to eat the berry, but you wouldn't... that is why I decided to help you with it. See?" Swoobat said rolling around on the floor holding her sides with her wings since she was laughing so hard.
    I like the personality of the Swoobat.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    Later that night, after we had all eaten our fill, we sat down together outside looking at the stars... it was a cool Summer night, and the Illumise and Volbeat lit up the night with their blinking lights. I then asked Swoobat and Joltik something that had been on my mind.
    I'd like to see this forest described in greater detail. It really seems like an interesting place. Personally, I think the interactions between Sky and the other Pokemon can be shortened, so some time can be spent on what Sky thinks of their predicament in detail and how they perceive the Pokemon world; this would be very interesting. So basically, maybe you can expand on Sky's internal dialogue like this:

    Later that night, after we had all eaten our fill, we sat down together outside looking at the stars. Never in my life had I seen so many, and this was even with the forest canopy partially blocking the view of the expansive sky. I shivered as a cool breeze began, uncharacteristic of summer time. A bunch of Illumise and Volbeat lit up the night with their blinking lights, normally they'd scurry off when sensing people, so this was definitely a new sight. Then I heard snickering between the two creatures beside me, and I found the duo to be an odd pair. Out of the many nature documentaries I watched, cross-species relationships tended to be rare between Pokemon.

    Not only did we just learn more about the awe-inspiring settings that Sky finds themselves in, and prevented the narrative from being rushed, but we also learned something about Sky (that she likes nature documentaries). She is now a person with personal tastes, likes and dislikes, and that's what makes the reader get invested in her as a character. This is what makes first person so great; use it to your advance.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    "Yeah... we have been friends ever since." Swoobat gently sighed.

    "I have something to tell you guys too... please don't freak out once I tell you this." I began. Swoobat and Joltik just looked back at me out of sheer curiousity. "I am actually... not one of you. I am not a Pokémon at all, but a human."

    "What?!" The two Pokémon gasped. Had it been a good idea to tell them the truth about this situation? I would soon find out...
    That came out suddenly, and seemed out of character for Sky. So far, Sky has come across as a careful person, especially when faced with uncertainty.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    Swoobat was the first to respond to my statement. "What do you mean, you aren't a Pokémon?! You've got to be joking, right?!"

    Joltik just kept sitting there with his mouth gaping open as he stared at me in disbelief.
    I'd think the Pokemon would be skeptical at first; Sky is a breathing, full-fleshed Absol. It would have been better if they demanded proof first, and Sky gave it to them. In the future, just make sure your characters respond to each other realistically. Get in the mind of your characters, per say.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    "Guys..." I began. "I know this is hard for you, but it is for me as well. But I can't just stay here with you guys in this form forever... I have a home I need to get back to, and a Pokémon journey to keep going on!"

    "You are a Pokémon trainer?!" Swoobat quickly asked me. "But... they keep Pokémon in those little balls, right, and make them fight battles! Isn't that a sad life to live?"

    "No, not at all!" I said, startled that these Pokémon thought trainers such as me were bad. "They are my friends and family! Let me get them so I can show y-"

    I cut off my sentence as I realized I didn't have my clothes, or my Pokémon Belt with my Pokeballs on it anymore...
    Wow, Sky is already an established Pokemon trainer? That's an interesting dynamic, and now I can see how Sky has a deeper bond with Professor Juniper. Sky could get the perspective of being a trainer from her Pokemon.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    "What's wrong, Sky?" Joltik asked with a curious look on his face. "Aren't you going to get your Pokémon our of their balls so we can meet them?"

    "I... I actually can't, since my clothes seem to have been left in the human world or something, and my belt with my Pokeballs is gone." I said this with a disappointed look on my face.

    "Hey, isn't that a belt around your waist?" Swoobat pointed out. I hurried and turned my head, and sure enough there was a black strip of fabric going around my waist!

    "Hey, you're right, Swoobat!" I happily said as I tried to reach for my belt. I tried to get my paws to reach for the belt, so I could take it off, but I couldn't get them to reach... and even if they had, it would have almost been impossible for me to have unclasped it. "Uh, guys, a little help here please?" I said awkwardly at my friends who were now laughing their heads off as they watched me try to take off the belt.
    Wow, and Sky still has their Pokeballs!? That actually surprised me, but in a good way. Still...it seems too convenient that the machine would take everything but that. Hopefully, we'll see an explanation of why is is in a future chapter.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    "Yeah..." Joltik said, eying me curiously.
    Change "eying" into "eyeing". This was probably a typo.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    Swoobat and Joltik just stared at me, and then burst out laughing.

    "Seriously?" Swoobat said, as she began to come towards me. "Alright... let's try this instead."

    We then took a good half-hour just trying to get me to be able to hold the Poke balls so I could throw them. It took a while, but I finally was able to get a knack for holding the balls with my rather large paws.

    "Alright, let's try this again. Serperior, I choose you!" I yelled as I threw the Pokeball, correctly this time. The ball soon popped open, as my beloved Serperior came out.
    I did find this situation realistic and humorous; humans have thumbs for a reason.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cassafrass1999 View Post
    I then began to throw my five other Poke balls, as one by one my other Pokémon came out. First, my Pidgeot came out of its ball. It looked curiously at me as an Absol, but I soon reassured it that I was still it's trainer. Next came out Pikachu and Caterpie. Finally, my Salamence and Zoroark came out of their balls.

    "Here are all of my Pokémon!" I proudly announced to Swoobat and Joltik. As soon as I said this, they all took off together to play and talk. I ran after them.

    "Hey guys, wait for me!" I yelled playfully. My Pokémon hurried and ran over to me, and we all played in the grass together. It was fun being a Pokémon and being able to communicate with my own Pokémon, but I still missed being a human Pokémon Trainer.
    I think this went by too fast. It would have been so interesting to see more detailed descriptions of the Pokemon being shocked that their trainer was now a fellow Pokemon. I would love to see the unique bonds she shares with each of them.

    Verdict (Chapters 1-3):

    Your descriptions are a lot better, especially in the first chapter, but there should be more meat to it.

    You still have issues with pacing, and things move by too fast. However, it has improved from the last work I critiqued.

    Make sure you read your story out loud to yourself before you publish it. Pretend you are the badass narrator with the deep, manly voice; this should not only be entertaining for you but also can improve the flow of the story, and avoid run-on and fragmented sentences.

    Chapter length is too short. You can realistically combine all three chapters together, make more transitions if you must.

    Your characters have more personality than before but there should be more. Take advantage of the fact you are using first person for us to really know Sky. Not only can Sky be a way for us to go on a journey, but Sky can be used as a device to compare and contrast humans and Pokemon, trainer and non-trainer. That would pull more readers in and flex your creative muscles.

    There are a lot of original concepts in this that create many interesting opportunities and scenarios, I'm impressed about how much more creativity the plot has.

    Good job; I'm glad that the energy I spent writing that advice to you wasn't wasted. At the same time, there is a lot more to improve upon, but I have full faith in you. You have a very interesting idea and premise; you just have to really own it and do more with it.


    Add me on the PM list please.

    Last edited by Silent_Vibrava; 8th August 2013 at 7:55 AM.




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    Thanks so much for the kind words and reviews the two of you!!! I REALLY appreciate it. I will DEFINITELY take your advice to serious consideration Silent_Vibrava, and will fix those parts of the story. Hopefully (since I will try to make my chapters a bit longer), it won't affect the story if the first couple of chapters are short, while they get longer later on (although that didn't really work with this chapter lol... oops). And Sky is a young boy, just so you know (I didn't base this story off of me at all, lol). Here is the next chapter, and hopefully it has turned out well!

    P.S. You may want to read my chapters over once again (or at least the part where Sky and her friends were looking up at the stars, and the part where Sky released all of his Pokémon), as I have made any changes to them.

    Chapter Four: Thoughts and a Possible Intruder Alert...

    "Wow, you look so cool!" Pidgeotto said.

    "Yeah! You look awesome!" Pikachu added.

    "Thanks guys." I said as I hugged them all. "But I need to figure out how to turn back into a human..."

    "You don't want to turn back into a human," Zoroark began to say, "you should stay a Pokémon like us..."

    "Zoroark, I can't stay like this forever." I said back. "This fur is driving me crazy, as it is making me super hot; I can't hardly pick up anything since I don't have any thumbs; it is really awkward not having any clothes... lots of things are harder now than they were before. And what are my parents and the Professor thinking right now? They are probably scared to death to know what happened to me! And there are no humans here... right?"

    "Yeah, you are correct." Joltik told me.

    "We have never seen one here, so we assume that there just aren't any..." Swoobat added.

    "I want to know why I was able to take my Pokeballs with me on this journey. Why did my clothes get left behind, but my belt stayed with me?" I had been pondering this for a while now, and was baffled as to the reason this had happened.

    "I don't know." Swoobat said simply.

    "Cater!" Caterpie said, squirming towards a tree full of some kind of berries.

    "Caterpie, what are you doing?" I said, following the little Pokémon.

    "Pie!" Caterpie said, gesturing towards the fruit in the tree.

    "Ah, I see." I said, starting to understand. "You are hungry, aren't you? But why can't you talk without just saying your name?"

    "Maybe it is because Caterpie is a baby Pokémon." Salamence said softly.

    "Well, that would make sense..." I said back, focused on figuring out how to get one of berries. Should I just climb up the tree so I could grab one? Wait, I knew what to do!

    "Salamence, please fly up and grab one of the berries from that tree from Caterpie!" I asked the dragon.

    "Sure thing!" Salamence than did as I had told him to do. "But it is kinda weird having my trainer in Pokémon form tell me what to do." He chuckled as he handed the berry to Caterpie, who took it and ate it up greedily.

    "Caterpie!" Caterpie said with joy. He looked happy now, and came over to lay by me. He then quickly fell asleep.

    "Well, I guess it is getting late." I said, yawning. "We should probably head to bed now."

    "Good idea." Swoobat and Joltik both said at the same time. "Jinx!"

    They then laughed their heads off at each other. They were starting to seriously creep me out once again.

    "OK..." I slowly said. "Well, where are my Pokémon and I gonna sleep?"

    "Right here, silly!" Swoobat said, gesturing at the hard floor. "Unless you want to hang upside down like me while you sleep."

    "Um... no thanks." I quickly said.

    "Suit yourself!" Swoobat said back to me, curling up upside down as she hung from a stick that struck out from the wall of the tree.

    "Joltik, where are you going to sleep?" I asked the small spider curiously.

    "Oh, where I always do... in this mug." He said, gesturing to a wooden mug that was turned onto its side, that had a soft piece of fabric inside of it.

    "Oh." I said simply. "Well, good night everyone!"

    "Night!" Everyone echoed.

    That night I got thinking... maybe I should take action immediately the next morning in finding a way to get back. Or maybe I should stay like this for a while and have some fun with my Pokémon. As I tossed and turned, I tried to get my mind of off all these things, but I couldn't... so I got up and walked outside to stare at the stars once more.

    ~ Back in the Human World ~

    "Oh my gosh." Professor Juniper said as she stared blankly at what had just happened to Sky. "This is bad... really, really bad!"

    She rushed out of the room, and immediately started her way towards Sky's house, so she could consult his parents on this predicament. Thankfully the storm had finally subsided, and the city's power had been restored. The streets were flooded with water, and it was rather muddy, but other than that the nighttime stars glittered more brightly than usual in the sky. Sky's house was right down the street from the Professor's lab, so it only took her a few minutes to reach the house. She hated waltzing in at a time like this, but she had no choice: she had to let them know what had just happened.

    ~ Back in the Pokémon World ~

    Sky sighed as he looked up at the glittering nighttime stars. He still had a lot on his mind, but he tried to settle down so he could go back and get some sleep. The Volbeat and Illumise's lights flickered in the darkness of the night. Although the night was still unusually cool, he felt hot underneath all of his thick fur.

    Suddenly, he heard a noise, and quickly darted his head back at the hollow. He saw the shape of a small figure coming towards him, but he didn't know who since it was too dark to see. Was it someone coming to attack him? He got his claws ready just in case...

    "Who's there? Who are you?!" I quietly shouted. "Don't you dare take a step closer!" My voice was starting to get a bit shaky now; my breathing came in short gasps. The figure got nearer and nearer... I then decided I should attack.

    I leaped at the figure and got my claws ready, but I soon gasped when I saw who it was.

    "Caterpie?!" I said surprised. "Look out!"

    I landed in a thump on top of the poor Pokémon, who squealed as he got crushed by my weight. I hurried and tried to get up and off of him.

    "Sorry Caterpie! I didn't know it was you... are you alright?" I said as I hurried and helped the poor Pokémon get up.

    "Cater..." Caterpie said, forcing a small smile. "Pie!"

    "I am glad to see that you are alright!" I chuckled at the small Pokémon.

    "Caterpie!" The small Pokémon said as it tried to crawl onto my back. I just laughed.

    "You crack me up sometimes, Caterpie." I said playfully to the Pokémon. He just smiled back at me.

    I then heard a rustling in the bushes. Caterpie heard it as well.

    "What is that?" I asked the Pokémon cautiously. The Pokémon just looked at me puzzlingly.

    We soon heard it again. We both wondered what it could be. I hugged the Pokémon tightly the best I could, which wasn't very easy in this new form. I began to growl, letting my Absol form start to take over.

    "Stay away, whoever you are!" I snapped at whoever was making the rustling. I had thought that it was just the wind before, but I was positive that it wasn't now. I began to get my claws ready once more... could this be a new threat to me, my Pokémon, and my two new friends? I would soon find out...
    Last edited by Cassafrass1999; 11th August 2013 at 3:13 AM.
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

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    Hiiii! I like new chapter!

    "You don't want to turn back into a human", Zoroark began to say, "you should stay a Pokémon like us..."
    First of all, that first comma belongs inside the quotation marks.

    Oh, that's interesting. Sky has his own personality– but the body that he's trapped inside does as well.

    There's a bit close to the beginning where Joltik says: "You are correct!"

    That's an example of very formal speech. Most characters/people would type it out more casually, like "You're right!" or "That's right!"

    Would you happen to speak a non-English language as your home language?

    Apart from the formality issue, this story is flowing really well, and I can't wait for the next chapter.

    Keep Writing!

    -Shymain

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    Thanks for the review! :3 I will fix those little mistakes as soon as I can... and nope, I don't speak any other languages hehe... only English (at the moment)! I am American, hehe. Although I am only fourteen.
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

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    Oh, cool. I'm American as well, but at the moment I live in South Africa, and I'm thirteen, and the best at English in my grade.

  18. #18
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    Oh ok, cool! A new chapter should be up soon... I just didn't get around to doing it today as I had a busy day. But I assure you that chapter five is coming soon... possibly tomorrow!
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

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    This story is getting really good. I liked how you potrayed Sky's personality in this chapter .... It looked realistic when Sky was talking about how he feels about being a Pokemon. The cliffhanger in the end was interesting, I wonder who's behind the bushes?
    Keep up the good work.
    Pokémon XY


    Kalos, Where Dreams and Adventures Begin!

    Quote Originally Posted by DaDonYordel View Post
    Are we not just silly people writing silly complaints on this message board?

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    Alright, sorry for the minor delay in getting this chapter up as I have been very busy lately with life, but here it is! I hope you enjoy it (and thanks for the review newpokemontrainer!)

    P.S. I am trying to get my chapter length to improve, but it always seems to turn out to be about this length... I don't know why. :/ Just wanted y'all to know!

    Chapter Five: A Chase Begins, and a New Foe is Discovered...

    I kept growling at the bushes as they rustled. My claws were ready, and I could feel my body being taken over by my Absol self... Caterpie went and crawled back inside the house. It was scared, and I could tell that it didn't want to be caught in this mess, however it would turn out. Then something leaped out of the bushes in a blur, and I leaped at it, my claws ready to attack. Then there was a clash of fur, teeth, and claws. But as I collided with the mysterious Pokémon, I gasped at what I saw.

    "An Absol?! But no, wait, you aren't a normal Absol..." As I pondered this I let my guard down, and my foe attacked me with sucker punch. When it made contact with me, I grunted as I was struck against the side of the tree that my friends were still inside.

    "Yes..." The strange Absol snarled. "I am not a normal Absol... and definitely not like a brat like you!"

    "Hey!" I cried out. "What gives you the right to call me a brat?!"

    "I can do whatever I want..." Was all the Absol said back.

    "Well, who are you, and why do you look so different than I normal Absol?" I said as I retaliated, and began to run back towards the Absol so I could use slash on him.

    "That is none of your business, stupid boy." At the word "boy", I was taken aback.

    "Do... do you know something about me?" I cautiously asked the Absol, as I ran up to him so I could slash at him. But he quickly dodged my attack, and used quick attack on me before I could do anything.

    "Why should I tell you if I do or not?" I could tell that he was trying to fool me somehow, in some way... but I wasn't sure exactly why or how I could tell. "Is it any of your business?"

    "Well yes, in fact it is!" As I tried to get up so I could attack the Absol again, out of the corner of my eye I could see my friends and Pokémon starting to head towards me, wondering what all of the commotion was. At this, the Absol turned to leave.

    "I'll be back... as this battle isn't over!" He snarled as he bounded away, back into the bushes.

    "Woah, who were you battling Sky?" Swoobat quickly asked me, with a puzzled look on her face. "And why are you out here so late at night?"

    I then explained the whole predicament to my friends. "He looked so strange... he moved so quickly I couldn't see him very well, but I did catch these few details: he was definitely a lot larger than I normal Absol, had red streaks all over his body, a scar running down his cheek, and the eyes of nothing I have ever seen... of pure evil."

    "That sounds like it was taken out of some cheesy movie." Was all Joltik said back to me.

    "Wait, you have movies here?" I said back, puzzled.

    "Yeah, goofy... you think we are so primitive that we don't even have that?!" Swoobat and Joltik said, as they rolled on the ground holding there sides as the laughed, like they always did. I just exchanged glances with my Pokémon.

    "Guys, this isn't the time to be joking around. That Absol really scared me... he looked as if he knew something about me... and as if he was out to get me, or even kill me..."

    "You serious?" Swoobat said as she immediately got up from the floor after hearing the word 'kill'. "You think he wants to kill you?!"

    "Possibly..." I said with a glum look on my face.

    "Well... we should I get back to sleep." Joltik quickly said. "We have a big day tomorrow as we try to find that good for nothing Absol..."

    "Wait... who said that we are going to go find him?!" I said back to the little Pokémon, trembling a little at the fact of meeting that Pokémon again. "I don't know if we are strong enough to go up against him... if I am strong enough!"

    "Don't worry, Sky!" Swoobat said back to me with a cheerful smile on her face. "All of us can stand up to him, no problem..."

    "You really think so?" I said doubting the bat's optimistic opinion...

    "Yeah, sure!" She said back smiling. "It's no sweat!"

    I on the other hand wasn't so sure... and needless to say I didn't sleep a wink that night.

    ~ Back in the Human World ~

    The door to Sky's house opened, revealing his parents, who greeted Professor Juniper warmly.

    "Come in, come in! Did you come here to bring our little Sky home?" Sky's mother asked her warmly, but with a puzzled look on her face, as she didn't see Sky anywhere...

    "Well, actually, no... well, there has been a little... accident I guess you could say". The professor was having a hard time finding the correct words for this. "Well, you see, here's the story..."

    ~ Back in the Pokémon World ~

    "Is it morning already?" I said yawing as I groggily got up. I was still tired from not being able to sleep last night.

    "Yup, rise and shine!" Swoobat said cheerfully.

    "My delicious berry stew is ready!" Joltik added.

    "Berry stew?" I questioned him.

    "Yup, berry stew." He said back. "Haven't you ever had it?"

    "No, in fact I haven't..." I said as I yawned again.

    "Jeez, you still tired or something? You don't seem all... how should I say? 'With it' today... no offense." Swoobat said, giggling at me.

    "Well, I didn't sleep at all last night, and some crazy weird Absol attacked me last night, so yeah, I would say that I didn't have such a great night last night..." I said back to her rather irritably.

    "Well jeez, sorry if I made you feel bad or something..." She said back, getting rather irritated herself now.

    "Sorry if that came out rather harsh... I am just not in such a great mood today." I said back, realizing that I may have been a little to harsh to her.

    "Yeah, we've noticed." Joltik muttered. I quickly glared at him.

    All of a sudden, we heard a banging on the door of the house (tree? Whatever...)

    "Open up, you stupid Pokémon! I have a battle with your Absol friend to finish..." I recognized the voice. The strange Absol from the night before!

    "Oh no, it's him!" I whispered, freaking out on the inside. "We can't let him in... what should we do?!"

    "I know... follow me, hurry!" Swoobat said as she began rushing towards the rug in the middle of the room. As she did this I got my Pokeballs and zapped my Pokémon into them. Swoobat then moved the rug, revealing a door, which she quickly opened.

    "Good thing the front door is unlocked, and that we have this secret passageway." She said as we began to walk down into the darkness of the corridor. The stairs creeked as we stepped onto them, as we made our way slowly down. We could still hear the banging from the Absol in front of the front door upstairs.

    "Open this door immediately, or I will bust it down!" He cried out. When he received no answer, he busted the door down in one blow. "Come out, come out, wherever you are... I won't hurt you." He said as he got his claws ready as he looked around the room for us. Luckily, we had had just enough time to get through the door while covering it with the rug. Don't ask us how we did it, but we did.

    "Blasted, where are you fools? Come on out already, will you? Or else I will kill you on the spot when I find you... well, I may just spare the Absol..."

    "Did you hear that?!" I whispered to my friends from within the corridor as we listened to what our foe was saying. He said he wants to kill us! Or at least you guys if he gets the chance!"

    "I know, I heard..." Swoobat said, starting to tremble.

    "Me too..." Joltik said as well, also trembling.

    "Huh? What's this..." The Absol said, as he noticed a corner of the rug was flipped over. "Could it be?"

    "Uh-oh..." I quickly said.

    "Ah-ha!" He said as he quickly moved the carpet, revealing the door that we were hiding right behind. "I got you know!"

    I didn't even have to say a word - we began to run as fast as we could through the tunnel, while the Absol quickly opened the door and began chasing us.

    "Get back here, so I can kill you! Well, at least your pathetic friends." He said as he slowly began to gain on us.

    Why did he not want to kill me, and why was he so desperate to catch us? I pondered this as I ran with my friends through the dark corridor, hoping that luck would find us so we could escape our doom...
    Last edited by Cassafrass1999; 18th August 2013 at 4:37 AM.
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

  21. #21
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    Yeah, admittedly the chapter's a bit short, but it doesn't really matter.

    Just a note– at the very beginning of the chapter, you used 'kept' twice in one sentence. Rather change one to another word i.e. continued.

    Now, in regards to the character, I have to say that you're not letting the main characters expand their, well, character! You really need to make less action scenes, and more just hanging around to have times where they're interacting and showing that they do ot, in fact, have multiple personality disorder, but have their own unique character.

    For the plot, I'd say it's improving, but admittedly the chapter length is holding it back a bit. I really did like the touch about how Pokčmon are also as advanced as humans, which really differs from the norm.

    Ooh, how could the Absol be, and what does he know?

    Keep Writing!

    -Shymain

  22. #22
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    Hmmm... OK, thanks for the review! I will keep all that in mind, and hopefully when my next chapter comes out it will be even better than the last!
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

  23. #23
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    Sure, anytime! I want to try and review every single chapter that you write! And I do hope you keep that advice in mind when continuing to write!

  24. #24
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    Awww, thanks! I really appreciate it... seriously. :3 And I will! Next chapter should be out within the next few days hopefully. :3 Plus a new banner for my fic (that I am gonna put in my sig) should be ready soon... yay! :3
    Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there... ~ The Real World by Owl City

  25. #25
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    This chapter was good .... but Like Shymain said, you need to expand the main characters personalities.
    So another Absol was behind the bushes? I didn't see that coming. This absol turned out to be evil, I guess he's going to be this story's antagonist.
    I wonder What does the Absol knows? And why is he keeping it a secret ?
    I hope it will be revealed soon, Keep up the good work.

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