23rd September 2013, 4:32 AM
CHAMPION LANCE (Pokémon Fanfiction)
Chapter 1: Enter the Champion
Ash Ketchum, a Pokémon trainer from Pallet Town training to ultimately become the very best like no one ever was, is currently challenging the Elite Four in the Pokémon League. The Pokémon League is a very large place made up of five huge platforms, each of which resembles an arena with a large Poké Ball symbol painted on the center of it. These five platforms are all connected together in a straight line by some stairways, with the lowest platform being closest to the entrance to the Pokémon League. This platform can normally be accessed by exiting a gigantic stone building located at one end of the platform. This platform is also the arena on which Ash had defeated Will, the first member of the Elite Four upon entrance into this League. At the end of this platform opposite to the gigantic building is a stairway leading upward, flanked by two large Poké Ball statues. This stairway leads from the lowest platform in the League to one end of the second lowest platform, on which Ash had defeated Koga, the second member of the Elite Four. At the opposite end of that platform is another stairway leading upward and flanked by two huge Poké Ball statues, and this stairway leads to the third platform in the League, which is where Ash had defeated Elite Four Bruno before. At the other end of that platform is another stairway flanked by two big Poké Ball statues, and this stairway leads to the second highest platform in the League. Ash is currently standing on the end of the platform closest to the stairway leading down to the platform where he defeated Bruno before, while Karen, the fourth and final member of the Elite Four, is currently standing on the opposite end of the same platform on which Ash is standing. The two trainers are currently facing against each other in a Pokémon battle, with Ash's Pikachu battling against Karen's Houndoom. Located behind Karen is another stairway flanked by a final pair of giant Poké Ball statues, with this stairway leading upward to the last and highest platform in the Pokémon League. At the end of this platform furthest away from where Ash and Karen are is a massive dragon statue. However, due to the fact that it is night time right now, only the statue's sihloutte can be seen from where Ash and Karen are battling, as the background behind the statue is only enlightened by the dim light of the stars.
Ash points at Karen's Houndoom.
Ash: Pikachu! Thunderbolt attack! Now!
Pikachu: Piiiika... chuuuuuu!!!
Pikachu jumps high up in the air and unleashes a massive bolt of electricity from its body at Karen's Houndoom, zapping it badly!
Houndoom takes a few steps back upon being struck by Pikachu's attack, and then it roars loudly in pain as it looks up at the sky briefly, before falling on the right side of its body and faints!
Ash: You did, it Pikachu!
Pikachu: Pika pika!
Pikachu runs towards Ash, who hugs his Pokémon, while it starts happily licking him in the face.
Karen looks at Ash while returning her defeated Houndoom back into its Poké Ball.
Karen: Well, aren't you good. I like that in a trainer.
Ash stands up and raises his fist up in the air.
Ash: That's it! I've defeated the Elite Four! Hahaha!
Karen: Strong Pokémon. Weak Pokémon. That is only the selfish perception of people. Truly skilled trainers should try to win with their favorites. I like your style. You understand what's important. Go on--the Champion is waiting.
Ash: The Champion?
Suddenly, Ash and Pikachu both notice something happening in the distance!
Ash and Pikachu watch as they see some gigantic torches located in front of and under the massive dragon statue in the distance lighting up! As the torches light up, the giant dragon statue, which could only be seen as a sihloutte before, is now gradually becoming completely visible! As the area around the statue is lit up by the torches, Ash and Pikachu also widen their eyes as they notice something on top of the statue, which they had not noticed before!
Music starts playing
The lit-up torches gradually reveal the sihloutte of a man with spiky hair and wearing a cape standing on the head of the massive dragon statue, with his huge cape blowing in the wind! Although he could only be seen as a sihloutte initially, the torches start to light up more and more. Eventually, the brightness of the torches reaches their maximum level, and as the darkness surrounding the sihloutte completely fades away, it is revealed that the man standing on the statue's head is none other than Lance himself, who is standing with his arms folded and looking down at Ash from the top of the statue!
Lance: It looks like even the ELITE FOUR couldn't stop you. I'm your last opponent in the POKéMON LEAGUE!
Ash looks up at Lance with his eyes widened, while some cold, night wind starts blowing his hair and clothes.
Ash: You're... Lance!
Lance smiles confidently as he looks down at Ash.
Ash continues looking up at Lance for a few seconds, while Lance's face is reflecting in Ash's large, widened eyes! After that, Ash looks at his Pikachu.
Ash: Let's go, Pikachu! We're now facing the Pokémon League Champion! All we need to do now is beat Lance and I'll be the Pokémon Master!
Pikachu: Pika pika!
Ash and Pikachu both run past Karen, and then they both start sprinting excitedly up the stairway behind Karen, approaching their final battle, located on the arena in front of the massive dragon statue where Lance is standing!
As Ash and Pikachu run past her, Karen turns around to look at the back of the young trainer and his Electric-type Pokémon as they are now running towards their final opponent.
Karen (thinking): Ash Ketchum... What an interesting kid... But he won't stand a chance against the Champion.
Lance wraps his huge cape around his body and smirks in anticipation from the top of the dragon statue as he watches Ash and Pikachu running towards his direction!
23rd September 2013, 8:40 AM
I'll leave this open for the time being, as it just makes the 2-page-minimum limit for chapters in its current form, but I'll leave a few pointers and suggestions you should look into editing before you post more, otherwise this'll be breaking the rules of the section.
- Have a line of spacing between each paragraph. That's the big one, because with stories on forums it's very hard to read otherwise. Computer screens aren't the best for the eyes in the first place, so you should go with a line of spacing between each paragraph/when someone else speaks. Plus formatting is one of the rules of the sections too. Check out other fics to see how they do it, if you're unsure, but just hit enter twice between each paragraph (note that more than a line of spacing can be too much, too).
- If this is a script fic, then you'd want to be more careful with your descriptions. You'd both want to add in more on how the lines are delivered, what the characters do, etc, and less on setting. Check the example in the fanfiction rules thread (top of the section) which has an example on it.
- If not, you'd still probably want to tone down the description of the setting. Knowing the exact structure of the room, how it can be accessed, etc, is not actually important to the plot and so is really more distracting than anything.
- Furthermore, if this is not a script fic, don't do dialogue like a script. Go with "Go, Pikachu!" Ash shouted or the like, instead.
- Try to be a bit more original. The setting seems to be very akin to the games, and pretty much most of Karen's dialogue, if not all, is straight from the games.
- Music should normally not be linked from the middle of the story, as it can distract the reader right then and there. In this case it doesn't seem to add much, so I'd advise against it.
On the flip side, the spelling and grammar is pretty solid, and certainly there's a basis there for a good leadup to a champion battle. Just needs more spacing and some consideration into what exactly you write about, and how.