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Thread: Requiem of a Dream

  1. #1

    Post Requiem of a Dream

    All reviews, comments, and criticisms are greatly appreciated. The story in itself will be rated PG-13, although not all chapters will warrant that rating. And note, this Prologue is longer then what standard prologues are, but there is a reason. Hopefully all those who read will enjoy this tale centered around the Disaster Pokemon: Absol.

    +Chapter Index+

    Prelude
    Overture
    Etude


    Negrek: I can't thank you enough for your review on FF.net. I posted it on the site before, in a rougher form, so I could get opinions while I waited to post the real Serebii version, so I could correct all of the errors that might have been hit upon before debuting it here. Your review helped a lot. I can't tell you how much. If you do happen to read this revised version, I hope you will find it improved. And yes, all the chapter names will be on music terms.


    Requiem of a Dream

    By: Saffire Persian


    Prelude

    A piece or movement that serves as an introduction to another section or composition and establishes the key.


    Thunder rumbled ominously across the midnight sky, while chilling rain pelted the earth below, mixing with the soggy dirt and grass. The wind was a violent maelstrom of activity, swirling and buffeting all the unfortunates that had chosen to weather out the storm, outside and unprotected. The sky above was clouded, darkened with a thousand shades of black. The stars and moon were all but gone, swallowed entirely by the dark, malicious clouds that now blanketed the sky above the city. They were greedy, swallowing everything that came into their path, blanketing the world below in darkness.

    Lightning raced across the sky, illuminating the ground below for a few brief moments, before whisking away back up into the clouds that sent them, only to dart down to tease the ground again. The pattern continued as if in some malicious jest upon the inhabitants helpless inhabitants, trapped in their pitiful dwellings. The thunder’s voice seemed to echo that statement, voice laced with unprecedented malice. It was mocking them, especially mocking him.

    Castor was alone, perched atop a flat roofed building, ruby eyes gazing upon the desolate city. The wind buffeted his thick, silky fur, while the rain soaked his already bedraggled body to the core. He was cold, but found he did not care. The Absol’s gaze was fierce and watchful, but obviously distressed. Castor’s emotions and thoughts were as tumultuous as the storm that now assaulted the island city of Sootopolis. Confused and for once at a loss of what to do, he sat there, watching, waiting . . .

    For what?

    A friend. A light in the darkness.

    Why?

    To prove everything wrong. To prove himself wrong.

    But was he wrong? Was he some how at fault?

    Castor did not know. He could only hope.

    He felt powerless, like a blind newborn that relied upon its mother for constant care and vigilance. A newborn could do nothing. Nothing. His efforts sitting, ever watchful, had yielded nothing. For three hours he had sat, an immovable sentinel upon the rain soaked roof, scouring the ground below with desperate eyes, wishing to catch a glimpse of a certain Pokemon. He had braved the torrential winds and rain, ignoring all physical and mental discomforts in hope of waylaying his friend, and reviving the wings of hope that had died in him some time ago. If he could at least save one life – one life that actually meant something to him – he would be satisfied.

    But Castor had not seen her. He knew she must have already crossed the paved walkways in the darkness, determined to pursue her ultimate fate. How he had missed her, he did not know. All of his attention had been devoted to that one task: finding her. It was a simple task that anyone should have been able to do. But he had failed . . . again.

    Crrracck!

    Lightning flashed again, followed by an ominous roar. Castor braced himself against the buffeting wind as it slammed into his body with all the might of a deadly tidal wave. Thrown back a few paces, Castor closed his eyes, claws digging into the cement surface, trying to find purchase as best he could.

    A vision assaulted him then, far more powerful than whatever disaster could beset him. The vision came upon him so fierce and sudden, he cried out, terrified.

    To think the things that occurred in the realm of imaginary could be so much more terrible than the things that existed realm of reality. He knew what the vision was about before it had the chance to fully make itself known, but that did not stop it from coming. The world around him faded. The screaming of the wind lessened, and the chilling drops of water evaporated, until all that was left to his perception was that of what the vision willed.

    He was in almost completely enveloped in darkness, the ancient smell of wet and stale air assaulting his sense of smell; but even more overwhelming was the smell of death; the smell of rot and blood. His vision began to come into focus, pupils dilating to take in all of the available light.

    Even the dark could not protect him from the scene before him. Castor saw the blood, the twisted bodies, and most of all, the shadowed faces in all their hellish glory. He had seen this all before, but that did not take away the sting – the sting the pain, fear, and revulsion that he had been left to deal with from the first encounter. Dizzy and nauseous, Castor noticed the million shards of rock littering the ground around him, points as sharp as a Scyther’s blades, stained with the blood and flesh of those who had met their unfortunate demise. The bodies were broken and cut, twisted at every hideous and unimaginable angle, and the blood that mingled with the rocky earth had almost a life of its own.

    Castor found his eyes unwillingly lingering on the faces of the dead. Their smiles were haunting, deepening the dark ambience that permeated the cave. Castor wanted to close his eyes, reluctant to look upon the faces of the dead, but they would not let him go. Their eyes were staring at him, beckoning him with their magnetic gazes. Join us! they seemed to say. Join us in this dance of death, and find out where you truly belong.

    Castor flinched, trying to tear his spirit-self away from the scene that had long haunted his deepest nightmares and hunted him in his most pleasant of dreams. It was a plague, a never-ending curse. He hated it. He hated these visions with every fiber of his being. Nothing could ever change that.

    Castor’s vision lurched, and was magnified a hundredfold. His vision panned around the scene of destruction, focusing and unfocusing until he found his gaze fixated on a familiar face dashed with cuts, her eyes crying tears of red. Castor’s throat constricted. Bile rose in his throat.

    “No!”

    He threw his spirit body aside, tearing himself away from the fibers that bound him to this alternate reality.

    He landed hard on his shoulder. He was back on the cement roof, gasping for air. The rain felt welcoming, and the thunder was a glorious herald back to the kingdom of reality. The elated feelings were quickly siphoned away, replaced with the feeling of dread. Castor arose, ignoring the pain that shot through his right shoulder.

    “I won’t let it!” he hissed. “I won’t let it!”

    He bounded off the building, landing in a swirling mixture of grass and mud. Without a moment’s hesitation, he darted down the deserted streets, paw-falls echoing eerily through the deserted alleyways. Castor ignored the rain, he ignored the thunder, he ignored everything but the place of destination:

    The Cave of Origin.

    It was a place of beginnings where everything was rumored to have begun.

    But was it really? Or was it merely disguised to take on a more fortunate light?

    To him, it felt like the beginning of the end.

    &&&

    Entering the Cave of Origin was like breaking into an alternate world that was beyond reality's jurisdiction. Time itself seemed to freeze as the momentum of Castor’s bound carried him into the cave that had appeared often in his visions. The darkness that pervaded the cave was like a voluminous ebony cloak, chasing away any light that dared to try to shine through.

    Nocturnal though he was, Castor’s eyes still had trouble adjusting to the sudden lack of light; and the atmosphere only continued to darken, taking on a more sinister shade with every step. A deep sense of reluctance flooded his body and he found himself gazing back to the entrance of the cave, looking longingly out into the storm. Castor’s pace slackened as he forced himself to continue on, repeating an Absol rhyme in his head. He loathed the things it spoke of in regards to he and the rest of his kind, but it still brought him a small sense of peace in the growing darkness.

    ‘I am a walking beast of chaos, disaster follows me in my stride,
    Heed me, reject me, but do not ignore me,
    For not only am I the warrior of Life that holds Salvation’s key,
    But also the unwilling herald of Death to you who keep your foolish pride.’

    The pathway was beginning to spiral downwards, a chill wind blowing from some unseen crack in the cavern’s walls. The Absol continued his descent into the very heart of Origin, a colony of Zubat the only ones to mark his silent passage. Faintly, he could smell human here, as well as a mixture of other scents both new and old, including one of which he never which he never expected. Eyes narrowing, Castor raised his head, pondering the new development.

    “What could he . . .”

    So absorbed in his recent thought, Castor didn’t notice the approaching body, until it was almost upon him. Forced to think upon his feet, Castor turned abruptly, legs splaying in hopes to regain balance as his paws scrapped across the rough floor. His foe was relentless, already coming after him in a headlong charge. Speeding up, Castor leaped over the humanoid figure, landing hard on the rocky terrain, using his right forepaw to pivot him to the side.

    The sudden twisting movement on his right leg had had proved too fast, too harsh, for his previously injured leg, and within the first sharp wrenching movement, it did what Castor had always feared it would do: give out.

    His stability and sense of balance broken, Castor was only quick enough to avoid a lethal blow to the neck, the vice-like jaws instead snapping over his right forepaw with a hard, sickening crunch.

    Castor cried out in pain, struggling instinctively to pull free his broken paw. But the jaws refused to release it, clamping down harder with every pull. Grimacing at the thought, but seeing no alternative, he went into a Swords Dance. The newly created adrenaline coursed through his veins like fire through ice. The pain in his limb began to fade away into a dull ache as the Swords Dance reached its peak. His body twisted and writhed with the newfound rhythm that pulsated through his body, and with a last hard twist, he tore his foreleg free. Not even the Swords Dance could block the sudden, acute onset of pain that radiated from his leg as skin and fur were ripped from it, leaving him a bloody, though luckily intact, limb. The pain, however, was quickly receding.

    Castor limped closer to the other wall, tucking the bloody paw close to his body, not daring to put any weight on it. It was fractured, there was no question about it. Running away was definitely out of the question, so he assumed a defensive stance as best he could. His attacker hadn’t moved from its spot, instead, turning towards him. The great brown jaws spat out a great clump of white fur as shimmering red eyes materialized out of the gloom, doe-eyed and vulnerable. The creature’s face quickly followed, radiating pure, untainted innocence as it looked at him just like as a cold, starving child would. Had it not bitten him, Castor might have been moved to sympathy.

    Castor growled. It was a Mawile.

    Absol and Mawile made eye contact. The Mawile’s ruby eyes brightened up considerably at the connection, its dainty mouth curling up into a fanged smile.

    “Kitty, kitty, are you lost, little kitty?” It was a feminine voice, as sweet and pure as honey. A sweet fragrance reminiscent of wildflowers seemed to fill the air at the Mawile’s words as she twirled around, her second jaw making a clip clip noise. He shook his head, trying to ward off the feelings of unwariness and relaxation that were suddenly coming upon him.

    “It’s none of your concern,” he finally said, sounding braver than he actually felt. “Get out of my way. Now.”

    “Lost kitty must learn to be patient, yes?” She laughed, her body quaking with unsuppressed mirth. She took a step forwards, hands clasped behind her back. “Poor kitty, all lost and all alone. Just like the other kitty, but not for lllooonnngg.”

    “What other ‘little kitty’?” Castor said sharply. “Where?” Castor’s attention was roused, and despite the newfound feelings of security, Castor remained defensive. Carefully, he slowly began backing up, hobbling towards the other end of the cave. She mimicked his moments, taking one leisurely step at a time. Her gaze was sympathetic, accepting.

    Like an angel, Castor’s mind began to say, the flowery scent filling his mouth and nostrils. His muscles were fast becoming liquid; his mind relaxed; and his fears and worries were gushing out from his body in great waves. He stumbled in his backwards progress, his white body swaying as he leaned against a cave wall for support.

    The Mawile made a swirling motion with her tiny finger. “Down, down, down. All-l-l-l the way down. Deep down in Origin’s belly, all alone. Back to the beginning kitty went, yes.” The Mawile noticed the Absol’s perplexed expression. Her grin became wider. Her angelic appearance was beginning to look far more sinister. “Dead.”

    Castor’s posture became rigid, jolting him out of his growing reverie. Castor’s red eyes shown with a sudden understanding. Rage filled him, one single thought overpowering all: she had to be wrong. “You lie!”

    The Mawile giggled, shaking her head. “Poor kitty.” Her glance became thoughtful, as if recalling some fond memory. She began skipping toward him, her beautiful singing voice resounding off the cave’s walls, each word accented by a skip.

    “Bound, Broken, Searching, Fighting . . .”

    At the Mawile’s words, images of the broken bodies from the previous vision began to surface once more, but none of them occupied his mind as much as hers did. Her eyes were still crying, red rivulets coursing down her face. She was crying because he had failed. He had failed her. Yet another name was added to Castor's book of the dead.

    Castor’s muzzle curled into a fierce snarl, the relaxed emotions quickly turning into feelings of anger. And even though the flowery aroma was making his head spin, making it increasingly harder to concentrate, Castor could see now what this thing was. She was no angel of mercy, but a fallen one: thrust out and dammed from whatever heaven that existed upon the earth.

    “Ripped, Twisted, Fading, Crying . . .”

    Castor had heard enough. He began to hobble along the downward slope. He knew he had to get out – clear his head of all the horrific images that were now flashing spontaneously in his mind’s eye with each new syllable.

    “Lost, Alone, Bloody, Dying . . .”

    The song was becoming louder and more rhythmic, but Castor ignored it. Instead, he made himself focus on the thick tendrils of smoke curling around him, enveloping his body in their gentle grasp.

    “Writhing, Reaching, Passing, Sighing . . .”

    He was phasing out, beginning to disappear in the ebon haze that now surrounded him. The scenery wavered, fading into nothing as he pictured the destination in his mind in all its horrid glory. He had never been there before, but he could see every detail clearly in his mind. He hoped that alone would be enough.

    The Faint Attack complete, the atmosphere gave one more sudden jerk before Castor vanished entirely. Castor pushed his physical body through what seemed to him to be the very fabric that made up the earth, and appearing in a sort of limbo – a pathway between the previous location and the next – that was real, but not quite real.

    But he couldn’t pay attention to that. Full and complete concentration was a must; he knew that a loss of focus could easily spell disaster. A body, wrapped in the same Dark-type energy as he, suddenly slammed into his ribs. The exultant face of the Mawile filled his vision, one of her tiny fingers wagging back and forth. Concentration disrupted, both Castor and the Mawile were flung out of the pseudo-dimension, phasing back into existence with a loud, echoing crack. Now, they were both falling deep into an abyss neither beginning nor ending in sight, entrapped between two thick walls of stone.

    At least, Castor thought, grimly evaluating the area my head is clearing. But his eyes soon narrowed in confusion and anger as he took into account the other body that was falling with him.

    She was laughing. The Mawile was laughing.

    Growling, Castor twisted around as he fell, scratching and biting the steel skin of the Mawile to his best ability, in attempts to ward off Mawile’s persistent advances, as well as to quiet her horrendous, mocking laughter.

    In an act to further distance himself from the Steel-type, he waited until he was on top of the spiraling mass, before surging forward into the Mawile’s body with a Quick Attack, using her as a push off to further distance himself from her, and he succeeded. Now, he was falling faster and deeper into the expanding crevasse.

    There was no sign of pursuit on the Mawile's part, her ruby eyes shifting down in what either could be curiosity or amusement. However, Castor knew it was only a matter of time before the Mawile got frustrated and attempted to catch up with him.

    Castor then forced himself upright, a growl rising in his throat as the faint silvery glow of Iron Defense covered the Mawile’s body, adding not only to her defense, but to her weight. No doubt she was trying to catch up with him, and she wanted to do it slowly -- to make him suffer. Castor snorted at the idea. He would turn this situation into his advantage and her downfall; he would make certain of it.

    He bared his fangs, chancing a glance down at his oozing leg. The sharp pain beginning to surface as the Swords Dance’s effects began to decline. He would have to work quickly.

    Focusing on the task at hand, Castor’s eyes glowed a pure white as he focused on calling an otherworldly force that had been in his family's line for centuries. At his call, the very atmosphere shivered, and vague images of what was to come flashed rapidly through his brain, though nothing was detailed and definite enough for Castor to make out clearly. The glow in his eyes gradually faded and his vision cleared. Outwardly, nothing appeared to have happened, but Castor knew better.

    Now, all the Absol had to do was wait.

    The Mawile was using Iron Defense again, her laughter bouncing off the abyss’s walls. Despite the added weight, she appeared to be no closer to Castor then what she had been before. The Mawile appeared to have noticed this, shouting angrily: “Dead, dead, dead!”

    Castor didn’t answer the Mawile’s taunt, feeling the subtle changes in the cave’s atmosphere as it prepared to host the coming attack. Even now, Castor could see evidence of its approach. Small pinpricks were slowly beginning to eat their way through the darkness, gathering energy. The air was beginning to take on a staticy quality to it while the fur on the back of his neck was starting to rise. Castor himself, however, continued to fall.

    A fierce gale tore through the abyss, but the Mawile showed no sign of comprehension of what was coming, insisting on repeating her angry taunt in rapid, quick-fire succession.

    “Dead. Dead. Dead!”

    The light had now formed into a perfectly symmetrical orb, surging upwards with a deadly intent, its energies swirling in a plethora of colors. It brushed past Castor with a silent, deadly efficiency, leaving a cold, dead chill like the breath from a tomb in its wake.

    Mawile’s continuous jeers ended as abruptly as they had started as she finally beheld the coming attack; however, the Mawile made no move to evade the Psychic assault. She didn’t even cry out when the Future Sight fully enveloped her tiny body; instead, giggling like a happy child while the orb held her body aloft, as if to show her mercy.

    But the orb held no mercy for the laughing Mawile within, just as there was no mercy in Castor’s glassy eyes, as he fell deeper into the abyss, himself becoming no more than a pinprick of white. The Mawile’s giggles quickly turned into high-pitched screams as the Future Sight finally took hold, its energy coursing around the Mawile like electricity. The Mawile’s body spasmed and jerked as the Future Sight shattered her steel defenses, and her pained cries fell on deaf ears.

    Castor could only listen as the screams slowly faded away, until they finally stopped altogether just as the Future Sight began to wane, fading away like it had never been. She made no sound afterward, not even a whimper. Whether she was unconscious or dead, Castor did not particularly care. His objective had been accomplished, and now his mind was strangely blank. An odd numbness was coming over his body, and he suddenly felt cold. Terribly cold, but he could do nothing about it. He couldn’t even move, only think jumbled thoughts, until finally, he surrendered to the abyss, the Mawile’s chant echoing oddly in his head.

    Bound
    Broken
    Searching
    Fighting
    Ripped
    Twisted
    Fading
    Crying Lost


    Alone
    Bloody
    Dying
    Writhing Reaching

    Passing
    Sighing…


    &&&
    Falling… Falling… Falling…
    &&&
    Last edited by Saffire Persian; 5th February 2006 at 5:32 PM.

  2. #2
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    Okay, 10/10, right off. No spelling errors, grammar mistakes... Description was perfect! I could see everything in my head perfectly. There's an element of mystery, plus a cliffhanger-type ending (to me at least) which has gotten me hooked right away. Even though this was just a prelude, I can tell that this is going to be awesome.

  3. #3
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    O_O

    Just...


    Wow.

    The description was vivid and concise, the Cave of Origin Concept wonderful. The poor Mawile....poor thing. I loved her though. THe dancing, the taunting, THE VERBS AT THE END!

    “Lost kitty must learn to be patient, yes?” She laughed, her body quaking with unsuppressed mirth. She took a step forwards, hands clasped behind her back. “Poor kitty, all lost and all alone. Just like the other kitty, but not for lllooonnngg.”
    Very coy and violent, all in one. Made me go, WHOMG HAHA WAIT EWWW.

    xP

    Awesome, all in all.

    Keep it up, and I will continue to read.

    ^^

    Saber
    My Author Website

    First book sold to Viking/Penguin! ^^


    .__relive the legend__.

    *

  4. #4
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    Yes. Just...yes. Good 'n' creepy, just as I like it. I have to commend you for the description, as it was delicious. I already like Castor; I always enjoy a solid, significant Pokémon character. And the Mawile was just frickin' boss, instantly appreciated; not only because I have rarely seen that species used, but also because that was my very favorite kind of creepiness: The unwholesome mockery of innocence! ^_^ Fwee.

    And BIG ol' kudos for the Mawile's rhyme. Yum. Reminds me of an Alice In Chains lyric ("Sinking, draining, drowning, bleeding, dead..."), and for that, I hug you. *hugs*

    A very promising start. This is one to watch, right here.

    Current Chapter: Chapter 18 – Remnants

    COMPLETE
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    ...

    wow...

    'course, I expected nothing less from you.

    the Mawile's chanting kind of reminded me of the goblin songs from The Hobbit.

    I don't remember exactly how they go, but they were eerily similar.

    yeah...

    if it's gonna be this kind of spookiness the whole waythrough, I probably won't read it, because i don't really like that kind of stuff, even though I know it'll be really good. nothing againstyou, personally...

    and for some reason, I kept expectingthe Mawile to say. "Yes, my precious. They hates us, don't they?"

    or something else Gollumish...
    Following in His Footsteps--Rising from the ashes of defeat, a young girl must rise up to fill her father's shoes, and face his legacy.

  6. #6

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    Thanks for all the reviews... I was expecting so many, actually.

    if it's gonna be this kind of spookiness the whole waythrough, I probably won't read it, because i don't really like that kind of stuff, even though I know it'll be really good. nothing againstyou, personally...
    Ash_Junior: I can easily answer your question right now: and it's no. It is definitely not a full-fledged Horror story or anything like that. The Cave of Origin, I felt, deserved that kind of atmosphere and what I was trying to portray.

    If it was like this the whole way through, I doubt I could do it. It's a mixture of different genre's, now that I think about it. The next chapter will probably set the tone of what the majority will be like. Thanks for reviewing. And yes, I wouldn't put it past her to say Gollum would. ^^; I love that character, though it has been awhile since I read the Hobbit.

    XxSaberxX: I'm quote fond of the Mawile, too. I left it hanging whether she was unconscious, or dead as a doornail, so maybe she hasn't yet bit the dust. Thanks for reviewing! You have noo idea how much I appreciate it.

    Sike: I must listen to that song! Yes, the Mawile is a good example of the mockery of innocence. I wanted a character like that in the Prologue, and after searching through the inhabitants of Origin Cave, and reading the Mawile's Pokedex entry, she was definitely the one. Thanks for reviewing.

    Nirarekdan: A fellow Persian obsessor, I see! Thanks for reviewing. ^^

  7. #7
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    Hmm, you know something, I really like the title. One of my favourite phrases when I wrote essays for literature. A great attempt at descriptive writing, and I am truly glad to see that you have acquited yourself well. I like the format at the end, and would also like to see Castor fleshed out. Seems interesting. Good luck and carry on. Did I mention I like the title?

  8. #8
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    yay!

    then I'll keep reading.

    this is a keeper, defintiely, saffire.
    Following in His Footsteps--Rising from the ashes of defeat, a young girl must rise up to fill her father's shoes, and face his legacy.

  9. #9

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    mmm, you know something, I really like the title. One of my favourite phrases when I wrote essays for literature
    It's one of my favorite phrases, too. For some reason, I like the more elegant sounding titles. (Perchance to Dream, A Simple Twist of Fate, Spiraling Eternity. Stuff like that.)... Dunno why. But thank you very much for the review.

  10. #10
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    Wow, this does look quite different than the FF.net version. There are fewer errors here, to be sure.

    Somehow is only one word, though. Also, you don't need to use space between your elipses. Some words are still being misused here; one exapmle that I don't like in either version is the use of coalescing right there in the first paragraph. It's not technically wrong, but it's not technically right, either, since the water and dirt aren't really joining or fusing, simply being mixed. There's also stuff like torrential wind, which is just plain wrong. Also, I think you have a tendency to miss hyphens in compound words (rain-soaked, I'm pretty sure, should be hyphenated, as an example).

    The second section has more errors, though they're in general different from the ones made in the FF.net versions. The bit error remains however--it should be had the absol not bitten him.

    Rhythmatic's not a word. Rhythmic. Spellcheck should have caught that.

    The quick attack paragraph has a bunch of stuff about the mawile's body that's reapeated and gets very garbled.

    The falling scene was better, but that last paragraph of it was straight copied from the other version, wasn't it? How would Castor know that the mawile had gone limp and begun falling if he can only hear, not see her?

    I do like this version much better than the last. In general, I think that you handled the actions better in this one, though some of the errors in it seem a bit silly. The falling scene could still use work, but it's better now--just a little confused in some of the action sequences.

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  11. #11
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    Saw the preview at TPTF. Must say I'm impressed, this is great. Definately hope the Mawhile isn't dead, I'd love to see more of her.

    Sorry for the lack of detail, but it's all been covered already, perhaps next time.

  12. #12

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    Negrek: Thanks for reviewing again. This story is still nowhere near perfect, and I thank you for pointing out all those errors I seem to miss. I was unaware you didn't need the space in between the hyphens--my typing instructor always insisted that we do that, so I got into the habit. I'll try to get over it though, since it seems to be the proper way.

    I was aware that rhythmatic was not a word, but I used it anyway - though rhythmic is definitely the right word for the situation, it just didn't occur to me to use it. "Spasmed" is also not a word, but I still used in the Prelude, as not of the synonyms for spasm sounded right to me. Hopefully, though, most people will forgive that stretch of license, if they even notice that at all.

    And you're correct about the action scenes - I think they're the hardest thing for me to write most of the time, and I'm trying to get better at it. I'll change the text to fit your suggestions, which I appreciate, as I often can't see my own shortcomings. Thank you again.

    BenJS: Personally, I'm grateful for any review, no matter how short. As for whether or not the Mawile's dead, well, I'll let you leave it to your imagination. I didn't expect that many people would like her. Thanks for your review.

  13. #13
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    *applauds*

    Well done. Truly a lovely entrance into this story. I must commended your description, it was very detailed, but not over the top. Perfect for getting an accurate pictures in my head. I actually like this style of morbidity, I find it interesting, and fun writing.

    The mistakes I noticed:
    The pattern continued as if in some malicious jest upon the inhabitants, helpless inhabitants, trapped in their pitiful dwellings.
    Should be a comma between inhabitants and helpless, otherwise it sounds mixed up.

    Gah, I saw another one, but I can't find it now.

    Anyway, to sum up, excellent. Truly a fabulous start to what I hope will be a very good story. True, it did seem a bit long for a prelude, but meh. Kudos to you. Great job.

    -

    P.S. Loved the musical terms for beginnings...
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    Saffire Persian, what a lovely way you have with the Mawile character. I found her character to be creepy, yet fascinating, with how she manages to be coy and demented at the same time, like a haunted doll. My favorite piece was when she was singing. ^^

    Your description was astounding, particularly in the start where you described the lighting "teasing" the earth.

    However, there WERE errors, as Negrek's pointed out, but they're minimal (forgive me if it's spelt wrong, my brain's a bowl of oatmeal at this time of the morning) and there were parts where the description seemed a little garbled, such as when the Absol and the Mawile were falling. May I suggest you try to explain the scenery a little more in depth during battles? I was unsure whether they were PHYSICALLY fallnig or it it was taking place in a mental otherworld. *feels silly*


    I was also a little thrown off-guard by the Absol's name, because I couldn't help but think of castor oil every time I read it. But that's just me. ^^ I loved that little Absol rhyme you wrote. If only I could do rhymes like that, but as you see, the best I could come up with was "Akuma Akuma unlucky dumb old Akuma yah yah yah." XD

    This is quite a creepy, scary piece of work you've done, especialy with the field where the bodies were pierced on the stone shards. Since you were. and are, so devoted to my story, I shall return the favor and follow this story also. ^^

  15. #15

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    Typlogirl: I also stupidly repeated myself in that sentence you quoted, whether you noticed it or not... I shall go and kill that as we speak, and add in the comma. And yes, the Prelude is a bit long as far as Prologue's go, but I see the Prelude as actually something in between an actual chapter and a prologue. You'll see what I mean whenever the next chapter comes out. Thank you so much for your reviews!

    Scrap: Thanks for pointing those mistakes out.. I'm trying to make this as good as I possibly can, and every bit of help I can receive towards the story, helps a lot. Glad you like the Mawile character... everybody seems to be fascinated with her. ^^

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    53

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    Quote Originally Posted by Saffire Persian
    A fellow Persian obsessor, I see! Thanks for reviewing. ^^
    Obsessor is an understatement. And you're welcome. Titles like these catch my eye, too, and I'm glad I saw this one!

  17. #17

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    ^^; Glad you liked the title... Obsessor as an understatement? ^^ I believe that. I'm a Persian fanatic.. now if only they hadn't been given the Absol history of doom and destruction.. or I would've used them instead of Absol. ^^

  18. #18
    Calcos the Destroyer Guest

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    Oh God! *dies*

    Woah. This is one frell of a story you have here. And it includes Absol! Yippee!

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Somewhere dreaming forever
    Posts
    511

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    Wow. This is a really great story you have here. I thought that the describtion was perfect. I love what I see of Castor's personality so far already. You would think that an Absol would have horrible visions like that and feel like this. Anyway, wonderful story and I look foreword to reading more of it.
    Claims: Yami Yugi[Bishie Thread 2.0] Ashita Tenki ni Shite Okure[Favorite Anime Song Thread]

  20. #20

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    Calcos: Thank you. It means a lot. I love Absol, too.. Absolutely awesome things.

    Hidden Mew: Thanks. If I wasn't in Nanowrimo right now I'd have already reviewed your story, but I will soon enough.. you'll just have to forgive the lag.

    And Nirarekdan: If you have a story, I have not seen it. But I real review if you have one.. just post a link or something.

  21. #21
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    53

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    My story's in the Non-Pokemon section. Anyway, I'm really looking forward to the next chapter. From the quote in your siggy, it sounds interesting...

  22. #22

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    Well, the First chapter should be up momentarily.. it's going through the editing process.

  23. #23
    Insincerus Guest

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    Ew. Me. God. O.o

    Saffire, that was EXCELLENT. I sooo envy you for your powerful description! You just lit that entire prelude on fire with kerosene and dripping words of uberness. You got this cat's tongue for sure. The description of the Absol and its feelings, the poisoned-honey Mawile, and the mangled scene of bodies, occurrences, visions, and practically everything that needed to be told was there, and I find no mistake in it whatsoever, though I found like, two misspelled words (which not be important). You would kick my arse in a writing contest any day ;-;

    Fantastic. I will be watching this thread.

    ~TCC

  24. #24
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    On a Mars bar. :)
    Posts
    1,584

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    Wow... This is really amazing.

    Nice and spooky, described well, and I loved that little chant that the Mawile created. This looks to go far, and I will definently be there for the ending. Well done!


    Floating over your rocky spine
    The glaciers made you and now you're mine


    Pair: duncan | Lyrics: Great Lake Swimmers

  25. #25

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    The Cheshire Cat: Thanks, I'm glad you liked it. Hopefully the next chapter won't disappoint, though at this point and time, though it's already written, it's no where near post worthy. As for beating you in a Writing Contest? Doubt it. ^^ Thanks for the review.

    Katiekitten: Everybody likes the Mawile, sheeesh. Maybe I'll have to spare her from an untimely death then *idea sparks* ... XD... That would be good. Of course, what happens to he and the Mawile likely won't be had until far into the future.

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