Page 2 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Results 26 to 50 of 94

Thread: Requiem of a Dream

  1. #26
    Chaos Absol Guest

    Default

    o.o


    This thing has already tied as my favorite because it includes everything perfect and absol.Absol is my fav poke of all time, and mawile was like a demented haunt-happy doll.Awsome.It has the horro bit too, an added bonus.I hope you keep on writing, because I want to keep on reading.Thanks for making my day!

  2. #27

    Default

    Haunt happy? XD.. Guess it was. Thanks for your review - and yes, I'm working on chapter one as we speak...along with the rest of the story.

  3. #28
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    tumblr
    Posts
    1,794

    Default

    You were kind enough to give me a review, now I shall return the favor.

    This is truly amazing work. Your descriptions are vivid and plentiful, your sentences vary in structure, and the plot, originality, and length were all things I underestimated. You have awed me. ^^

    The stars and moon were all but gone, swallowed entirely by the dark, malicious clouds that now blanketed the sky above the city. They were greedy, swallowing everything that came into their path, blanketing the world below in darkness.
    Beautiful, but the word "dark" was repeated. Perhaps "blanketing the world below in shadow" would help?

    Overall, you scored a fantastic A! ^^

    Ratiasu
    My tumblr or something: x

  4. #29
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Posts
    532

    Default

    Ya know... Now that I actually went into this thread I rememba readin part of the prelude way back when the preview was in the author's cafe forum. lol, I didn't know you was the one who wrote it Saffire!

    The description was beautiful, dark and it flowed together perfectly to me. God, you make it look so damn easy, I only wish I could write like you.

    Well... At least I was lucky enough to be paired up with ya. *Does a James Brown dance*

    *Sees several guys glare at him evilly*

    She's mine damnit! You can't have her.
    Last edited by whit19; 7th December 2005 at 3:43 AM.

  5. #30

    Default

    Thanks for the favor, Ratiasu.

    Whit: XD... I NEED to finish betaing your Slayers fic! Gah! I forgot all about it.. too much making banners, too little editing. Sorry.

  6. #31

    Default

    A/N Here it is.. chapter one. This was actually supposed to be a part of a longer chapter, but since I'm doing a few different projects for Christmas, along with an AP psych class, I didn't have a ton of time. So, this chapter's a bit shorter then I would have liked. Plus, the old version of it looked it had been run through the paper shredder so I pretty much had to rewrite the whole chapter. No doubt there are mistakes.. as my proof reading eye isn't as great as I'd like. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy, although I don't quite feel it's on par with the Prologue .

    Also of note, the beginning of this chapter is different than was previously posted, due to some critique I received, I decided to write a new section. Whether this was silly on my part or not, I guess I'll find out.

    Part I: Bound

    Chapter 1:

    Overture

    An instrumental Composition intended especially as an introduction to an extended work.


    ++

    Continuing to fall, Castor tried to regain some sense of mobility, as the odd feeling in his limbs and body faded away, replaced by the absolute weariness that seemed to accompany every use of the Swords Dance. The adrenaline that had once been flowing through his veins – from the Swords Dance as well as by the natural panic that had overtaken him when the Mawile had attacked – was now subsiding. Now, he was consciously aware of the pain from his paw coming in frequent, sharp jolts.

    Castor’s breathing slowed, gritting his teeth to try and dismiss the pain as best he could as continued to fall. Now that the Mawile was - at least - incapacitated for the moment, he wouldn't have to worry about being followed. Castor closed his eyes, trying to concentrate once more on his place of destination, imagining every detail of horrid place with all the attention he could muster, while trying to ignore the pain coursing through his leg.

    He could feel the dark aura of the Faint Attack begin to surround him, enveloping him in the shadows as he phased away into the realm that he had been in moments before. It took only moments of strained concentration for him to come out of the limbo, emerging back into existence with a loud crack that rebounded of the walls. Once more, he found himself falling.

    Except, this time, the ground was there to break his fall.

    He slammed into it, shoulder first, plowing through the shards of sharp rocks that were littered about the ground. He didn’t even have time to cry out in pain as his head met the rocky wall, and his leg was no better off from the endeavor. His mind began to swim, accompanied by the pain issuing from his leg – which had not in the least appreciated the jarring movements from the fall and landing – and the weariness that had now overtaken his body.

    So, it was no surprise to Castor that he felt unconsciousness setting in, looming over him like a great bird of prey, waiting, watching, as his swimming vision erupted into black dots. He did not fight the impending nothingness as his vision wavered and dimmed. He could barely think coherently, and the sleep that came from unconsciousness seemed welcoming.

    As his mind drifted, his eye lids closing over red, narrowed eyes, his thoughts couldn’t help but travel back to the time when this had all began, and he began to dream.

    It had all began with a dream, so perhaps it was fitting that it ended with one.


    &&&

    Falling, falling, falling, falling…

    Castor abruptly awoke, his voice, which had uttered a loud explanation, now fading into a ghostly whimper. His eyes were wide and narrowed, and his breath was coming in harsh gasps. It took him a moment to realize he was sitting up, his mind trying desperately to recall the events that he had just experienced. He distinctly remembered the last moments of his dream.

    He had cried out.

    He had also been running through a slew of hard rain and wind.

    He had been panicked about something.

    Faces, he had seen faces, bloody and gashed.

    Anger.

    Singing. A scream. Silence.

    But in a moment, the memories were gone, the rest of them fading into nothing, like sand through a crack. Slowly, Castor was forced to take in what reality lay before him. He found that he was shaking, cold sweat drenching his snow-white fur, but he found no reason for it; he was afraid, even though he was safely enclosed within the Absol civilization; cold, even though he clad in thick fur meant to brave the elements; alone, despite the fact his brother lay beside him, deep within the realm of sleep.

    Shaking his head, Castor tried to grasp the fleeting remnants of the dream, but they, like the rest, were slipping through the cracks, until he was, as always, left with nothing: he was a sufferer without a cause. Only the feelings of fear and dread lingered, for the body could not forget what was instilled in it, even if it could not remember how it had come about; after all, one did not forget the feel of pain, even if the cause was all but forgotten. But that did not help Castor -- it did not tell him why.

    He strove to understand, because without understanding, he felt like he was bound with untruth. But how could he understand if he knew nothing? For this reason, part of him wanted to remember every minute detail, down to the last piece of bone, even though he knew deep within himself that whatever he unearthed would not be pleasant. The other half of him, the piece of his soul that was just as young as his body, wanted nothing to do with it, recoiling away from each notion of recall like a Togepi from rotting flesh. That half of him wanted nothing more then to run to his mother for comfort, even though he couldn’t allow himself to do so. He hadn’t run to his mother’s side since he was forced into the start of his Absol independence after eight months under his parents’ care, along with his brother.

    Such was the way of the Absol clan.

    Independence was stressed. Learn to walk on your own four paws, they said. When you have the ability to walk, use it. To have others carry you is to be lame.

    Castor shuffled his paws in a melancholy frustration through the fur bedding till the tips of his claws met the hard rock, stilling as the body of his brother moved, his red face becoming even more apparent in the dying sunset light filtering in from the entrance to the den.

    A picture suddenly seared through his brain, as intense and blazing as a flame: it was a picture of a face not unlike his own, rivulets of red coursing down it, seeping into the skin and dyeing it red. Castor jerked, but latched on to the gruesome imagery with a fervid determination. The magnetic gaze drew him in, and he was as reluctant to let it go as it skewed and twisted, becoming more distorted then it already was. He could barely discern the features, now fuzzy and marred by earthy shards.

    But if he knew anything, he knew the figure was dead. No one could look like that and not be dead.

    It was a start; it was something. Something to distinguish himself from the rest.

    “Castor?”

    Castor jumped automatically, head jerking around to the voice of the speaker, another shot of adrenaline coursing through his body at the sudden fright. Heart thumping in his chest, Castor found his brother, Pollux, looking at him, his features unreadable, although his jade eyes were piercing, like they always were. More often then not, Castor found himself wondering whether his brother could see through him.

    “It’s nothing. Just a dream... nothing but a dream,” Castor slowly replied, trying to add surety to his faltering tone.

    “Mmm…” Pollux absently turned his head to where the remains of the dying sky were shining through. His voice was monotone, revealing nothing. “Do you remember anything?”

    Castor shook his head. “… well, not really. No.” The dead face flashed through his mind again. He doubted it would go away now.

    His brother favored him with another piercing glance, but only for a few moments. Pollux’s head was once again resting on his paws, and he curled into a tighter ball, eyes closing. “Then it is of no consequence.”

    It is of no consequence… That was what Pollux always said, never actively pursuing anything that came before him. Pollux never badgered him, interrogated him, or anything of the like during the course of his life, he just watched – always watched with those jade eyes that seemed not his own. In some ways, Castor always felt a slight tinge of disappointment at Pollux’s answers, as if his heart expected him to say something different. Although, Castor thought, I have given him no reason to.

    It is of no consequence.

    Was it? Was it really?

    “Go back to sleep, Castor,” Pollux continued, staring out the exit of their tiny den once more. “The moon hasn’t even risen yet.”

    Castor watched Pollux curl deeper into the bedding, feeling suddenly empty, while at the same time finding the flitting rays of sunset strangely unwelcoming. He didn’t want to go back to sleep. He doubted that sleep really did anything for him at all. Castor then vaguely wondered if any of the other Absol slept. He knew that foresight – visions, the knowing of the unknown -- were something to his kind, though he had never heard another say anything about it: it was a kind of instinctive intelligence that he knew from the time he was born and was only later certified as truth. It was the same kind of intelligence he and the rest of his kind possessed concerning the weather -- a certain change in air pressure could mean rain and thunder, or an updraft of cold air could signal a storm, even if it was days in advance. It was intelligence that was often without truth or founding, but was there. Never had he known those predictions to be wrong.

    What Castor didn’t quite understand was why his kind insisted on keeping everything to themselves. It was a mystery to him that he hoped to later uncover. Though as time went by Castor found, somewhat to his dismay, he was showing the same characteristics, yet he didn’t know why. This bothered him, almost as much as the marred face did now.

    Castor looked over at his brother again, not bothering to take up Pollux’s command. Instead, he stared blankly at the den’s wall, as if by doing so, he would stumble upon some revelation. The bedding shuffled, and a few minutes went by before finally his brother spoke again.

    “Do you want me to get Mother for you?” Pollux made a movement to stand.

    Castor’s face showed a brief flash of emotion at the mention of his mother, her lithe, outlandish frame filling his mind. Castor’s feature’s brightened.

    Learn to walk on your own four paws. To have others carry you is to be lame.

    His face fell, and he felt his brother staring at him. Pollux said something that Castor did not catch, though the sound of his voice, level and steady, betraying no emotion, was enough to snap Castor out of some sort of some impending thought. Castor met his brother’s eyes. “No,” he said, finally. “I think… I think everything will be fine now."

    Pollux gazed at him blankly, as if trying to discern his twin’s emotions. “As you will.”

    Instead of lying back down, the red-skinned Absol moved purposefully towards the den’s exit, out into the twilight that was fast ushering in the moon. Pollux didn’t even look at him as he walked past.

    “Where are you going?” Castor found himself asking.

    “Out,” he answered, shrugging. “I can’t find sleep any longer, so there’s no use trying. Are you staying?”

    “For a time, anyway,” Castor said dismissively. “I’ll find you later.”

    “As you wish.”

    Pollux continued to move toward the exit, but just as he reached the outlet, he stopped, and turned toward him once more.

    “Castor.”

    “Yes?”

    “You said you couldn't remember?”

    “I did.”

    “Do you want to remember?”

    Pollux didn't even bother to hear whatever Castor's reply might have been, leaving Castor to stare at the wall of their small den and wonder.

    Do I?
    Last edited by Saffire Persian; 16th January 2006 at 3:37 AM.

  7. #32
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Posts
    532

    Default

    Ha! First to review!

    Nice chapter. As always it was beautifully written. It was very mysterious and it made me think. (lol, somethin I neva do.). I didn't see any spellin errors. It looked perfect to me. The endin like the prologue made me wonder what will happen to Castor next. I can't wait!
    Last edited by whit19; 13th December 2005 at 4:21 AM.

  8. #33
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    NC
    Posts
    414

    Default

    A picture suddenly seared from his brain, as intense and blazing like a flame
    Shouldn't it be "as intense and blazing as a flame" or "intense and blazing like a flame"? I don't think what you have sounds quite right.

    [QUOTE]Castor found his brother, Pollux,[QUOTE]

    I expected as much. As soon as I saw the name Castor I began wondering if you'd have a Pollux. Named after the Gemini twins no doubt.

    [QUOTE]as if trying to discern his twin’s emotions.[QUOTE]

    So, they are twins as well, just as their starry counterparts. Should've thought of that, but I didn't.


    Sounds interesting, Saff. It's about an absol, so of course I'm intersted in it. NOw I wondering how the gaps between vision and reality are to be filled. In an intriguing way, most likely, but as to how exactly I am completely lost.


    BTW, I know you reviewd my fic, but since you only did the first chap, whenever you get the chance cold you please do the rest as well? I'm in the process of revising it and I need as many opinions as I can get.

    I remember when "The Authors' Cafe" was still "The Author's Cafe".
    Scrap, purple_drake, Ryano Ra, and Burnt Flower are my fanfic idols.


    --fics--
    NEW:Emory In Viridian- A more realistic spin on a new trainer trekking through Viridian Forest. [one-shot]
    NEW:Pallet Evening News [on DeviantArt and not Serebii due to short length] - A disturbing report from Pallet Town's evening news concerning three new trainers. [one-shot]
    Tómur -Dark contemplations of an undisclosed Pokemon about nothingness and the end. [one-shot]
    The Traveler - A lonely traveler encounters a malevolent pokemon during the night on Route 8. [one-shot]
    Redead - A Redead's perspective on its own life. [Legend of Zelda one-shot]

    More at my DeviantArt



  9. #34
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Posts
    3,049

    Default

    OOOOOOOhhhhh....so they're named after the Gemini twins! I never realized that. How clever! o.o Bravo. ^^

  10. #35
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Earth
    Posts
    1,984

    Default

    Okay. Pollux fascinates the frell out of me. It took you only one chapter of his presence to achieve that, wihch is QUITE boss. I like the look into Absol society you're presenting. Things are nicely described, and the introspective looks behind Castor's eyes are intriguing. He's shaping up to be an intersting character, that's for sure. But Lord, am I hooked by Pollux...

    Pollux continued to move toward the exit, but just as he reached the outlet, he stopped, and turned toward him once more.

    “Castor.”

    “Yes?”

    “You said you cannot remember?”

    “I did.”

    “Do you want to remember?”
    And there, in a nutshell, is why. Bossness. ^_^
    DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK
    (Or do. I don't actually mind.)
    The Origin of Storms | Communication

  11. #36
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    wrong one.
    Posts
    1,293

    Default

    like I said before, this looks like a keeper.

    not very long (compared to my stuff ), but just long enough to get the job done.

    I liked the way you made a culture for the Absol as a whole.

    took me a little hwile to realize that Pollux was shiny.

    btw, are you gonna have all your main chars be named after Greek mythology?

    just wondering.
    Following in His Footsteps--Rising from the ashes of defeat, a young girl must rise up to fill her father's shoes, and face his legacy.

  12. #37
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    53

    Default

    I liked it. I'm hooked by both Absol, personally. No spelling mistakes... grammar's good... Thumbs up! ^u^

  13. #38
    Chaos Absol Guest

    Default

    I JUST noitced near the end that his brother was a shiny.I think you should change the part where it says there twins, because if one is half red and green eyes and the other is half white and red eyes, that doesn't really look alike.

    I like how Pollux' is so calm about everything, it seems as if he is smarter but not showing it.I wonder where hes going, maybe somewhere importent.

    Hope l get to read more soon, because this is good.I liked the length as well, it more fits to what l usually read.


    Cya next chappie!

  14. #39
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    wrong one.
    Posts
    1,293

    Default

    Chaos, not ALL twins look a like.

    forget what that's called, but it's a condition.

    I think that most twins don't look a lot like each other.
    Following in His Footsteps--Rising from the ashes of defeat, a young girl must rise up to fill her father's shoes, and face his legacy.

  15. #40
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    NC
    Posts
    414

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Ash Junior
    took me a little hwile to realize that Pollux was shiny.
    What? Pollux was a shiny? *goes back to re-read the end* Wow, I missed that. Guess that explains the green eyes then.

    I remember when "The Authors' Cafe" was still "The Author's Cafe".
    Scrap, purple_drake, Ryano Ra, and Burnt Flower are my fanfic idols.


    --fics--
    NEW:Emory In Viridian- A more realistic spin on a new trainer trekking through Viridian Forest. [one-shot]
    NEW:Pallet Evening News [on DeviantArt and not Serebii due to short length] - A disturbing report from Pallet Town's evening news concerning three new trainers. [one-shot]
    Tómur -Dark contemplations of an undisclosed Pokemon about nothingness and the end. [one-shot]
    The Traveler - A lonely traveler encounters a malevolent pokemon during the night on Route 8. [one-shot]
    Redead - A Redead's perspective on its own life. [Legend of Zelda one-shot]

    More at my DeviantArt



  16. #41
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    tumblr
    Posts
    1,794

    Default

    “No,” he said, finally. “I think… I think everything will be fine now.

    Shouldn't there be a quotation mark after the end?

    Actually, really, I don't mind the length (because today was a long day and if this was a really long chapter, I would've groaned and saved it for later XD). Short and sweet. Overall really good.

    Agh, can't really give criticism (because I liked the length). Or maybe it's because I'm really worn out now. See you later, and thanks for the PM!
    My tumblr or something: x

  17. #42
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Somewhere dreaming forever
    Posts
    511

    Default

    Great first chapter. I loved the way that you described all of the surroundings. I also thought that it was interesting that you defined the Absol culture. The names are really neat too. I didn't even noticed when I was reading it that Pollux is a shiny. That is also really cool. I can't wait for the next chapter and please feel free to send me a message for the next chapter.
    Claims: Yami Yugi[Bishie Thread 2.0] Ashita Tenki ni Shite Okure[Favorite Anime Song Thread]

  18. #43

    Default

    SnoringFrog: Thanks for the review, when I get the time, I will review your story. As for your questions:

    Shouldn't it be "as intense and blazing as a flame" or "intense and blazing like a flame"? I don't think what you have sounds quite right.
    It could go either way, but I meant like.

    So, they are twins as well, just as their starry counterparts. Should've thought of that, but I didn't.
    Ding! The prize goes to you on that one. I named them after that particular constellation. And as for the shiny bit, I only decided to make Pollux shiny because of how Pollux (the star) is described as a "red star". I saw the shiny Absol was red, and I was like, "I have to make him shiny!"

    Sike: Thanks so much for the review again... Glad you like Pollux ^^.. He's one of my favorites myself. ... and I have nothing more to say.. boing!

    Ash_Junior: I was wondering if anyone would notice that Pollux is shiny.... but yeah, he is. As for the names, not after Greek names persay. It is true that that some of the names in the story (The Absol, at least) might be Greek, but in truth, they are named after stars and constellations. For instance, Pollux and Castor's father is named Kaitos - which is part of a constellation.

    Chaos Absol: Yes, Pollux is very quiet and observant.. g lad you saw that, it was what I was trying to portray. And yes, I realize they don't look like each other, and AJ's right in saying that not all twins look alike - the term is Fraternal , which is what Castor and Pollux are.

    Ratiasu:
    No,” he said, finally. “I think… I think everything will be fine now.

    Shouldn't there be a quotation mark after the end?
    No. His statement "I think everything will be fine now." Is not a question - a statement rather. If I wanted Castor to sound more unsure, maybe I would've put a question mark for emphasis, but really, it's just a plain statement.

    To everyone else: Thanks for the reviews. And to all the Closet Readers out there, thanks for reading.

  19. #44
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    NC
    Posts
    414

    Default

    No. His statement "I think everything will be fine now." Is not a question - a statement rather. If I wanted Castor to sound more unsure, maybe I would've put a question mark for emphasis, but really, it's just a plain statement.
    Saff, you might want to look at what Ratiasu said again. It says QUOTATION MARK not question mark.

    I remember when "The Authors' Cafe" was still "The Author's Cafe".
    Scrap, purple_drake, Ryano Ra, and Burnt Flower are my fanfic idols.


    --fics--
    NEW:Emory In Viridian- A more realistic spin on a new trainer trekking through Viridian Forest. [one-shot]
    NEW:Pallet Evening News [on DeviantArt and not Serebii due to short length] - A disturbing report from Pallet Town's evening news concerning three new trainers. [one-shot]
    Tómur -Dark contemplations of an undisclosed Pokemon about nothingness and the end. [one-shot]
    The Traveler - A lonely traveler encounters a malevolent pokemon during the night on Route 8. [one-shot]
    Redead - A Redead's perspective on its own life. [Legend of Zelda one-shot]

    More at my DeviantArt



  20. #45

  21. #46
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    On a Mars bar. :)
    Posts
    1,583

    Default

    Brilliant. Pure magic. I absolutely loved this chapter. It was cleverly written, beautifully written, and I loved every second of it. I like Pollux's character, he has a nice perosnality from what I saw. So that was all a dream before? It makes sence... Very well done and I can't wait for the next chappie!


    Floating over your rocky spine
    The glaciers made you and now you're mine


    Pair: duncan | Lyrics: Great Lake Swimmers

  22. #47
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    tumblr
    Posts
    1,794

    Default

    Aye, it's alright, I was kinda weirded out for a sec when I saw your post...o_O
    My tumblr or something: x

  23. #48

    Default

    Mhm.. I've also been wrong in my assumptions twice. Upon reading through the chapter in hopes to edit once more, I noticed that SnoringFrog was also right in his observations after reading the context... like does sound odd there.. Makes me feel stupid... ^^

  24. #49
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Lurking
    Posts
    815

    Default

    Well, I must admit that after waiting for such a considerable time for this chapter it has a surprising number of errors. Briefly:

    It took him a moment to realize he was sitting up, his mind trying desperately to recall the events of which he had just experienced.
    The last part of this sentence ("of which he had just experienced") doesn't make much sense and is garbled. Try something simpler like "the events that he had just experienced".

    Faces, he had seen faces, bloody and gashed.
    Shaking his head, Castor tried to grasp the fleeting remnants of the dream, but they, like the rest, were flying away, vanishing like a horde of transparent butterflies, until he was, as always, left with nothing: he was a sufferer without a cause.
    "Horde of transparent butterflies" made me giggle. Not the impression you were trying to give?

    Only the feelings of fear and dread lingered, for the body could not forget what was instilled in it, even if it could not remember; after all, one did not forget the feel of pain, even if the cause was all but forgotten.
    That's a paradox (stripped down, it says that the body could not forget but it couldn't remember). I don't know if that was your intent, so if it's not, then consider rewording.

    A picture suddenly seared from his brain, as intense and blazing as a flame: it was a picture of a face not unlike his own, rivulets of red coursing down that face, seeping into the skin and dyeing it red.
    I don't think that seared from his brain is the way to go here... also, I'd suggest "it" to go in for the second mention of face here. But points for spelling it dyeing and actually having it be right in context.

    It was unrecognizable enough that he would not to be able to pick out a face of the owner if he wanted to, yet it wasn’t so vague for him to dismiss it as nothing.
    I don't really know what you're saying there.

    Something to differ himself from the rest.
    I don't believe that differ is the best word there. Perhaps something more like distinguish?

    - You seem to be getting then and than mixed up. Then is used only to indicate the passage of time or the order of events. By contrast, than is used when comparing two things. For example, "It then became blacker than the purest obsidian," or something similarly silly.

    Just a dream... nothing but a dream
    You did most of your elipses right, but you seem to have missed those .

    That was what Pollux always said, never actively pursuing anything that came before him.
    Castor then vaguely wondered if any of the other Absol slept. He knew that foresight – visions – the knowing of the unknown -- were something to his kind, though he had never heard another say anything about it: it was a kind of instinctive intelligence that he knew from the time he was born and was only later certified as truth.
    I'd suggest a comma between visions and "the knowing of the unknown" as well. Obviously, this is also quite a long sentence.

    Instead, he stared blankly at the den’s wall, allowing the streaks of red, purple, and gold to play across his face.
    If he's staring at the wall (thus turned towards it) how can the sunset's light be playing across his face? The sunset is behind him, and the wall is presumeably not reflective.


    Castor’s face showed a brief flash of emotion at the mention of his mother, her lithe, outlandish frame filling his mind.
    Outlandish? It's not wrong, but it seems an odd word. Just wondering what makes her outlandish.

    Instead of lying back down, the red-skinned Absol strove purposefully towards the den’s exit, out into the twilight that was fast ushering in the moon.
    I don't think that strove fits here; to my mind, it implies too much struggle or undue hard work. Pollux seems like a cool cat, not someone who would make it obvious that he was working hard to gain something--and it seems odd that he would be having difficulty reaching the exit of the den. I actually thought that this was just a typo for "strode" when I first read it, until seeing that word used not much later.

    So, anyway, I overall liked this chapter. I was a bit disappointed by the whole dream sequence thing--it's always kind of a letdown to have someone set you up with a real good cliffhanger, and then come back with the good ol' "Oh, don't worry about it, it was just a dream." It's a minor gripe and a personal preference, but meh.

    Pollux seems an interesting character. Your description of him makes him vaguely sinister--there seems an odd detachment between the brothers, though you'd expect them to be very close to one another, having grown up together and all. And yet Castor seems hardly to know or understand Pollux. An interesting dynamic, possibly resulting from the Absol clan's fierce independence? I did like that part--it seems very fitting for the species.

    An enjoyable read and a nice, slow introduction to the characters. You've improved a great deal from what I can remember of your first fanfic.

    Banner by Sworn Metalhead of Dćdric Design



  25. #50

    Default

    Negrek: Thanks so much for reviewing again..and absolutely proving I have a horrible proof-reading eye. There's a few reasons it has so many errors.. Which, I am not very proud of.. the first of which is that I used this story for Nanowrimo (The Goal is to write 50,000 words in a month), so really, I hadn't touched Chapter 1 since I first wrote it when November started until the very beginnings of December... and to tell the truth, I knew it had been a long time in coming, and I pushed myself to get a chapter out, which I had to totally redo. Personally, I'm rather ashamed that there were so many errors, and thanks so much for pointing them out. The next chapter, I hope, will be better in that category... as I won't rush myself this time.

    And yes, the cliffhanger. Well, there were a few ways I could have started out this story - one of which was to directly continue on from the now "Dream Sequence" and go about what happens after, and it would have very likely ended up back here after that scene concluded... it was one of my options, but I decided not to for various reasons, which may or may not be better in the long run, though I hope it will be for the best, though I suppose I could put in the original beginning I had for it that would help close the cliffhanger a tad.. *shruggs*

    When you pointed out "Outlandish" as an odd word to describe Castor's mother, I can see where you're coming from, and perhaps a different word would be better, but though his mother may not seem "outlandish" to, say, Pokemon Trainers or the like, she does seem very outlandish to the Absol in this clan - even to her own sons, because, as I will go into in future chapters, because she is an "Outsider", as in, she came into the Clan some years previous, which is not a very common occurrence, and thus her bloodline is a bit different from the Absol portrayed here. So the Absol view her as a bit outlandish . . . although maybe there's a word better for this situation.

    And as for Castor and Pollux's relationship, well, it's an odd one, I'll say that much.

    Again, thanks so much for pointing out all those errors.
    Last edited by Saffire Persian; 16th December 2005 at 5:01 AM.

Page 2 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •