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Thread: Eternity's Prison

  1. #1
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    Another day, another short story by Serpent Syra. Over the last weekend, I have gotten inspiration to write three one-shots, since my brain just started producing so many fantasy-themed short stories to work my mind while writing my chaptered fantasy story, Sky. Then today, I was released from school 22 minutes after I arrived (a burning building was nearby and the smoke got into our school, so we evacuated and they sent us home immediately), so I spend that time doing homework and writing one of the planned one-shots, Eternity's Prison.

    Eternity's Prison is a rather fantasy one-shot with horror elements, more like describing what a virus is doing to a dying warrior inside. Burning stomach, bloodstained bowels, just small spats of horror here and there. Anyways, the meaning is quite simple, though enhanced beautifully in my eyes. Some might feel as if the meaning should have been stronger, which I can understand, and I'd be glad to edit this. I consider this one of my best works yet, and revising parts would be a pleasure. If you find anything abnormal, weird, or mistakes, please let me know immediately. Well, here's Eternity's Prison.

    -[::::ETERNITY'S PRISON::::]-
    We’re all searching for a magical spell that’ll bless our lives with an eternal soul. It is dreamt by thousands, it becomes a goal to many adventurers, and blossoms into thoughtful measures in a scientist’s mind. Having to live in such a marvelous, money-producing world would be a vacation to some, a cruise to others, and the rest will find out what joy it’ll bring.

    Once, humans wondered if they would reach the top of their lives before death would wither their souls away forever, to haunt the bone yards and many gravesites. In another era of time, we contemplated over whether it was worth struggling to become the best when your fatality was already set, possibly coming as soon as we were given a life.

    Now, our mind continues to wander the breadth of the world and its divine surroundings, feeling the need to sacrifice everything to get an eternal life in return.

    We try, each and every one of us, to fight hard in our battles, learn and gain knowledge, and journey across different terrains to find our purposes. We are destined to fulfill certain dreams, certain accomplishments, to walk diverse paths and obtain happiness. Having a life that will never be wasted away by scars, blood, and feelings can be an utter luxury, though we fail to realize that this enchantment doesn’t necessarily have benevolent sides.

    Very few find ceaseless souls as a curse. Bewildering as it may be, it is the more courageous enigmas of the land, the ones who have already blossomed their fantasies. Those few humans are the black spots on the white paper, arousing imperfection wherever they stand tall and proud. They fear of misery, depression, wrath, sins of the heavenly world, for being around at a timeless cost is an absolute hex.

    We tend to disregard their opinions and continue to hope, every single day and night, that the world will be blessed with magic. That way, we can summon powerful forces and put our spirits under a perpetual spell.

    + + + + + + + + + + +
    A waterless desert.

    The blinding white sand stretched across acres and acres of land, silver pearls of the moonlit sky dancing in the balmy winds. The velvety, dark-cobalt skyline was deeply defined against the actual sky, spotted with motionless golden stars and a full, silver-blazing moon.

    Torrid, howling gales blustered around wildly, blowing tumbleweeds about. The heating temperatures heightened to the high nineties, baking the dunes and the grounds. Large, jagged brown rocks, with stripes of white, rose up from the surface, slashing at the hot airstreams. The day was searing, magical, and dying.

    A lone shadow shifted in the distance, staggering and stumbling while wandering into the open sandbanks. He moved along the smooth surface of the arid vicinity, weaving paths around the rocks and the hallucinated sandcastles and glowing spheres. Footsteps stamped in the soft sands, the muscular warrior found himself in pure distress, screaming in his very mind.

    But, he was in no hurry to find assistance from anyone. It would be only a matter of seconds before the pain would ease away, blessing him with purity and healing wounds.

    His large, toned, light-skinned body was covered in slate gray armor. Once polished, mirroring surfaces, it was now covered in dust and soot and sand. A long, gray cape flapped wildly against the warrior’s back as wind blew clouds of powder past him. His face concealed in a burgundy, horned mask, the swordsman hid all of his indignant expressions under the slate of featured steel.

    His immense, gold sheath crossed behind his back, bloodstained and dirty. It had been several long, heating nights and boiling, blistering days for the lost warrior, wounds slowly healing while blood hardened around the openings. But, he just tottered at his normal pace, concentrating to easing the hurt rather than finding help.

    He was out in the open, deserted lands of Galabonia, a vanishing soul of the dunes. The warrior had suffered from a great battle nearly three weeks ago with an adversary, finally losing the brawl and punished by his own clan. They sent him here, the rolling wastelands of the western section in the magical world. Three excruciating weeks, twenty-one unfolding days, several unbearable hours. The swordsman still kept faith, hoping that he would still live to at least see the next daybreak.

    He was well aware of the boisterous winds and searing temperatures as they climbed to the low hundreds, stomach churning in hunger and bowels shifting with infection. He had become a victim of a drugged virus, one that would leave many in ache for such a long time, finally fading away for a brief second or two before it would sting again. His fellow gang purchased the bug from a wealthy scientist and tricked him into taking the medicine with a delicious plate of food.

    It was his punishment. He would have to live with it, until he would be naturally cured at a hospital. But, the treacherous desert went on for miles and miles, and he was alone. A wanderer of a wasteland.
    A shadow of the sandbanks.

    A withering host for a virus.

    A soul locked in his fatality.

    The warrior went stammering forward, legs shaking as bones itched of the traveling disease. It was spreading quickly in his bloodstream, though he was realizing exactly what was happening to him.

    In a matter of time, it would tear through his skin, hungrily devouring it while rotting his bones away and clogging his throat with blood and black spats of biological compounds. He would be suffering from a vast deal of severe hemorrhage, screaming and shrieking and calling out for help.

    His ribcage throbbed, feeling as if it was slicing his organs throughout his pain-filled body and sending the virus in all directions. The swordsman’s toes tingled slightly as weary, tired eyes glanced in the distance.

    A silhouette of a flying beast came into view, dust and sand and ash twirling around the blackened frame. The figure spread its sharp, thin wings, bulleting out of the cloud and disappearing into the darkness of the night skies. Surely, the warrior had been hypnotized by the heat waves and collision with the sandy grounds, thinking that it was something that could assist him.

    The virus was becoming worse and worse, burning his heart and starting to journey to his upper body. He could feel himself moving slower and slower, his intestines rippling like slicing daggers. Taking just a single step forward, a cold block of air exhaled out of his throat, nearly choking him with all of its might.

    He screeched.

    The man collapsed weakly on the sandy grounds, feeling a rush of energy being flushed out of his well-built body. He was dangerously ravenous and growing weaker as the virus began to attack his hard bones and muscle tissue. He watched as the blue-enveloped silhouette plummeted to ground, determination gleaming in its red eyes. The blackened glow of shadows quickly bolted away from its body, swirling and whirling in the hot gale, revealing its dragon features. The warrior observed the dragon beast, surprised and shocked and bewildered.

    There, bulleting towards the surface was the legendary that could heal him. He carried natural powers around, maneuvering through disastrous weather in attempt to cure or curse the benevolent and malevolent organisms. The warrior had hope. The warrior could be healed of all his torture, his anguish, and his guilt. After such a long time carrying the virus in his body, it would be vanquished by the Latios’s draconic energy.

    A change in the future was looking very, very promising to the swordsman.

    “Oh Latios, cure me of this horrible pain and set me free from the virus!” the warrior begged, throwing all of his energy and strength into the loud, clearly spoken words.

    The blue dragon beast shook his head silently, instead circling around the dying swordsman. The warrior thought of this as a trick, hoping that the legendary was gathering all of his power to zap him in one blast, treating him. He clenched his chest as it shifted; the sickening bug was definitely starting to take a toll on the man. The legend-dragon only observed with curious eyes, knowing he wasn’t worthy of being washed away of his aches.

    All through the warrior’s life, he had been fighting other men, protecting his clan as they sabotaged environments and created castles throughout Galabonia. The Latios had been watching as the man took away natural homes for Pokémon, scaring them away with cloned, monstrous horses and strength-building, man-made robots. He had accidentally murdered smaller infant creatures of woodlands and forests, though he wasn’t aware of it. Nevertheless, that didn’t excuse the fact that Latios didn’t like it.

    The warrior started to grow impatient, cursing words in his mind. The legendary was taking too long. Although he suffered of extreme pain, the dragon needed to rid it. Latios sent a bolt of green lightning at the warrior, shocking him with a more blinding curse. The warrior closed his eyes, allowing the legend to escape. He went climbing in the atmosphere, disappearing into the beautiful heavens above.

    The warrior was left there to be suffering from the eternal bug, for Latios had done was what necessary from his perspective. Once the swordsman broke away from the emerald bolt of lightning, the pain had gotten worse. He went collapsing on the ground, struggling and desperate for air. His lungs were shriveling, barely inhaling and exhaling oxygen from the dusty atmosphere.

    His bowels were soaked with blood and his stomach burned in hunger and corruption. He balled his fist, punching at the sand while a deep thought came to his mind. Latios had cursed him with a greater deal of pain, one that would never go away. He knew that the blue dragon beast had trapped him inside of a malicious cage, for they usually did one or the other. Free the soul or trap the soul.

    He was left there to be staggering in the sandbanks, to be the wanderer of the wasteland. He would never die, but his ache and agony would always haunt him. The swordsman would soon be diagnosed with from the ultimate spark of hurt from the virus and he would never be alleviated.

    He would be caged in eternity’s prison, never to be let out.

    A cloud of dust enveloped him in its body, trapping him in the acres of blinding white sand, their prisoner forever.
    Last edited by Ryano Ra; 27th November 2005 at 11:34 PM.
    ~ COMING SOON ~


    Shiftry leapt into the air, shrieking and roaring as she started glowing and absorbing the sun’s light. Leaves shifted and curled at the edges as footsteps sounded on the grass. Her eyes were wide open and crazed, glazed with a white radiance. A slim, dark figure spontaneously crossed overhead, elegant and mysterious as it disappeared within the rose-colored vortex. It all seemed like a medieval fantasy; only reality blended in to make it all seem practical. The new otherworldly essence drifted in, allowing the illumination to bless the woman and reveal herself to the world. Karen had arrived

  2. #2
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    Good ol' Latios..."No healing for you!!!" Seriously, though, I liked his decision. It would have been...I don't know, somehow less satisfying if the guy was fully healed and got to spend the rest of his days in peace or such. So, let him writhe. ^_^

    Only found error in one place:

    His large, toned light-skin body was covered in slate gray armor
    Just change that to "light-skinned", and add a comma after "toned", and that'll take care of that.

    Couple of highlights here:

    In a matter of time, it would tear through his skin, hungrily devouring it while rotting his bones away and clogging his throat with blood and black spats of wax.
    That is officially cool. And I am officially morbid.

    He watched as the blue-enveloped silhouette plummeted to ground, determination gleaming in its red eyes. The blackened glow of shadows quickly bolted away from its body, swirling and whirling in the hot gale, revealing its dragon features. The warrior observed the dragon beast, surprised and shocked and bewildered.
    Terrific entrance for Latios, there.

    A lovely portrait of suffering, this. Good show. ^_^
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    Man, you sure learned a lot from me. XD This reminds me SO much of the prologue of Sin, too, and my one-shot, They.

    But why wax? o.o;; I didn't think wax was a biological component of the human body. XD

    Your description for this one really broke all of your previous stories, I think. Went right through the fucking roof. You weren't kidding when you said you loved to describe deserts and so on.

    I spied a mistake-- you wrote "moonlight" when it should have been "moonlit." You also forgot "the" or "a" before "malicious cage."

    My favorite part was the entrance of Latios. ^^ The whole thing was so much like how I write, but infused with your own style, so it was really neat. XD

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sike Saner
    Good ol' Latios..."No healing for you!!!" Seriously, though, I liked his decision. It would have been...I don't know, somehow less satisfying if the guy was fully healed and got to spend the rest of his days in peace or such. So, let him writhe. ^_^

    Only found error in one place:

    Just change that to "light-skinned", and add a comma after "toned", and that'll take care of that.

    Couple of highlights here:

    That is officially cool. And I am officially morbid.

    Terrific entrance for Latios, there.

    A lovely portrait of suffering, this. Good show. ^_^
    ^_^ Thank you a lot for reviewing, Sike, it really means a lot to me. I will exterminate those mistakes sometimes tomorrow, for I don't have much time on the computer for the rest of day - today. XD Yeah, I was worried about bringing the message forward, since I definitely focused on the details and the Latios and the virus and stuff. I also enjoyed writing the entrance for the Latios and how he cursed the warrior went an eternal life of pain. He'll be suffering forever. ^^ Again, thank you so much for reviewing!
    Quote Originally Posted by Scrap
    Man, you sure learned a lot from me. XD This reminds me SO much of the prologue of Sin, too, and my one-shot, They.

    But why wax? o.o;; I didn't think wax was a biological component of the human body. XD

    Your description for this one really broke all of your previous stories, I think. Went right through the ****ing roof. You weren't kidding when you said you loved to describe deserts and so on.

    I spied a mistake-- you wrote "moonlight" when it should have been "moonlit." You also forgot "the" or "a" before "malicious cage."

    My favorite part was the entrance of Latios. ^^ The whole thing was so much like how I write, but infused with your own style, so it was really neat. XD
    Oh yeah, I forgot to edit that part. I just went back and changed it to biological compounds, since that does happen when the throat is met and clogged with blood. I won't go into details, for it grosses me out. And yes, I learn so much from you and your scenes. I tried not making it too much like your scenes and stuff, but yes, I do love writing about people dying in the deserts. My description was just great and I think I did it in a shorter amount of space, no?

    I'll find those nasty mistakes! ;_; Again, glad to hear that you enjoyed the Latios entrance, since I like writing about dragons and how they enter specific terrains. They deserve a more unique entrance in my eyes. Again, thank you so much for reviewing, I really appreciate it. It means a lot.
    ~ COMING SOON ~


    Shiftry leapt into the air, shrieking and roaring as she started glowing and absorbing the sun’s light. Leaves shifted and curled at the edges as footsteps sounded on the grass. Her eyes were wide open and crazed, glazed with a white radiance. A slim, dark figure spontaneously crossed overhead, elegant and mysterious as it disappeared within the rose-colored vortex. It all seemed like a medieval fantasy; only reality blended in to make it all seem practical. The new otherworldly essence drifted in, allowing the illumination to bless the woman and reveal herself to the world. Karen had arrived

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    I really liked this. A wonderful tale of human fault, perfectly depicted in both the literal sense and the literary sense. (If that even made sense. XD) You definitely have a knack for description- your depiction of the desolate wasteland of Galabonia was fulfilling and lush. It amazes me that you can fill so much space just vividly describing the setting... koolness. I really liked how you tied both the beginning interlude-sorta-thing and the main peice together by using key phrases like this:
    A soul locked in his fatality.
    Ooh, that's good stuffs. XD
    But it was not without its own faults; I thought that there really wasn't much concrete information given about this warrior and his lifestyle to make his predicament seem meaningful. But alas, I could be wrong- this may have been witheld for that very reason, as you have more experience in this field than me. ^_^ But this right here caught my eye:
    The blinding white sand stretched across acres and acres of land, silver pearls of the moonlight sky dancing in the still, balmy winds.
    Um, I get the basic idea you're talking about, but "still winds" seems like a concept that does not seem... well, possible! But once again, I could be missing the mark- maybe this is symbolism, or foreshadowing. That would make sense.

    But overall an extremely impressive, as always, piece on human nature. Great job! *gives Official Drill O' Approval*
    ***

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    Quote Originally Posted by Quackerdrill
    I really liked this. A wonderful tale of human fault, perfectly depicted in both the literal sense and the literary sense. (If that even made sense. XD) You definitely have a knack for description- your depiction of the desolate wasteland of Galabonia was fulfilling and lush. It amazes me that you can fill so much space just vividly describing the setting... koolness. I really liked how you tied both the beginning interlude-sorta-thing and the main peice together by using key phrases like this:

    Ooh, that's good stuffs. XD

    But it was not without its own faults; I thought that there really wasn't much concrete information given about this warrior and his lifestyle to make his predicament seem meaningful. But alas, I could be wrong- this may have been witheld for that very reason, as you have more experience in this field than me. ^_^ But this right here caught my eye:Um, I get the basic idea you're talking about, but "still winds" seems like a concept that does not seem... well, possible! But once again, I could be missing the mark- maybe this is symbolism, or foreshadowing. That would make sense.

    But overall an extremely impressive, as always, piece on human nature. Great job! *gives Official Drill O' Approval*
    *kills error* Yeah, it looks like I didn't actually read carefully when I was deleting the errors and proofreading it. Actually, what you said is true, though I didn't want to go into too many details. Keep it mysterious and all, wondering if what he actually did was sickening enough for him to be locked in pain forever. But basically, he killed good men (he was a bad warrior, not a good one. ^^), took homes from Pokemon, scared them off, and murdered some. And Latios didn't like it, so when the warrior would be at the peak of dying, he'd come and curse him; the warrior would be at the peak of death forever. ^^ I just didn't want to go into too many details about his past.

    Thank you so much for reviewing this, Quackerdrill, it has put a smile on my face. <3 Galabonia is such a lovely land (and it'll be traveled in my upcoming chaptered fantasy fanfiction, Sky) and I love describing its magical wastelands and moonlit sandbanks. ^^ And desolate sounds like a nice word - thank you for introducing me to it. ^^ *scurries off gleefully* Thanks again!
    ~ COMING SOON ~


    Shiftry leapt into the air, shrieking and roaring as she started glowing and absorbing the sun’s light. Leaves shifted and curled at the edges as footsteps sounded on the grass. Her eyes were wide open and crazed, glazed with a white radiance. A slim, dark figure spontaneously crossed overhead, elegant and mysterious as it disappeared within the rose-colored vortex. It all seemed like a medieval fantasy; only reality blended in to make it all seem practical. The new otherworldly essence drifted in, allowing the illumination to bless the woman and reveal herself to the world. Karen had arrived

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    =D =D =D

    This was great. Description was great, I shouldn't even have to go over that with a fic of yours. The plot was relatively simple with a nice, juicy twist thrown in to liven it up, which was perfect and gave the story that flicker of originality that made it such a quality work. I was absolutely hooked about when Latios arrived, which you should know is great since I usually read the first couple of paragraphs and leave. >_>

    Anyways, this was truly a great fanfiction, truly a model one-shot. The only thing that caught me off guard was...

    scaring them away with big technological machinery and electronic, strength-building robots.
    When I first began to read, I thought this was a sort of medieval-esque fic with warriors and whatnot, so that kind of caught me off-guard, leaving me dumbfounded. o_O Other that that "scratch-of-the-head" type deal here, I this is a great piece. I really hope your future one-shots are of this calibur.

    On a side-not, I notice you and I have similar sigs... hmm... =P
    Last edited by FloatingFlames; 22nd November 2005 at 7:59 PM.
    Last chance to evacuate Planet Earth before it is recycled.

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    Like, ze OMG, I'm reviewing. =O

    Beautiful, Ry. Absolutely beautiful. I've always admired your descriptions, but this... It blew me away. I felt like I was drinking the words all flowing together in an enchanting mix. I really, really loved it. There is really only one thing I'd like to comment on:

    All through the warrior’s life, he had been fighting man, protecting his clan as they sabotaged environments and created castles throughout Galabonia. The Latios had been watching as the man took away natural homes for Pok&#233;mon, scaring them away with big technological machinery and electronic, strength-building robots.
    This part confused me. Who was fighting man? The dying warrior? I was sort of lost when I read it, and I was still a bit puzzled until you said that he killed good men. I suggest saying "other men" instead of simply "man". Other than that, it was a smooth read. =) Amazing job.


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    Quote Originally Posted by FloatingFlames
    =D =D =D

    This was great. Description was great, I shouldn't even have to go over that with a fic of yours. The plot was relatively simple with a nice, juicy twist thrown in to liven it up, which was perfect and gave the story that flicker of originality that made it such a quality work. I was absolutely hooked about when Latios arrived, which you should know is great since I usually read the first couple of paragraphs and leave. >_>

    Anyways, this was truly a great fanfiction, truly a model one-shot. The only thing that caught me off guard was...

    When I first began to read, I thought this was a sort of medieval-esque fic with warriors and whatnot, so that kind of caught me off-guard, leaving me dumbfounded. o_O Other that that "scratch-of-the-head" type deal here, I this is a great piece. I really hope your future one-shots are of this calibur.

    On a side-not, I notice you and I have similar sigs... hmm... =P
    ^^ Yeah, I see how that would have completely pointed itself in your direction. I'll be sure to reedit that part when I have available time on my hands (in which right now, I should be reading my historical novel for a book report due next week Friday. >.o) Anyways, thank you so much for the review, Flames, it means a lot. I figured that the plot was relatively simple, which made it hold a special touch of simplicity, which made me enjoy writing it. I hope that my next short story, Heartless Dreamer will be a piece I enjoy writing as much as this one, or possibly even more. ^^ Thanks again, Flames! Or shall I call you "Masked Horror Prince"? XD

    Quote Originally Posted by lilbluecorsola
    Like, ze OMG, I'm reviewing. =O

    Beautiful, Ry. Absolutely beautiful. I've always admired your descriptions, but this... It blew me away. I felt like I was drinking the words all flowing together in an enchanting mix. I really, really loved it. There is really only one thing I'd like to comment on:

    Quote Originally Posted by Eternity's Prison
    All through the warrior’s life, he had been fighting man, protecting his clan as they sabotaged environments and created castles throughout Galabonia. The Latios had been watching as the man took away natural homes for Pokémon, scaring them away with big technological machinery and electronic, strength-building robots.
    This part confused me. Who was fighting man? The dying warrior? I was sort of lost when I read it, and I was still a bit puzzled until you said that he killed good men. I suggest saying "other men" instead of simply "man". Other than that, it was a smooth read. =) Amazing job.
    *zaps mistake* Yes, yes, yes, I shall immediately get rid of these mistakes before I tottle away and read fifty pages of my novel. o.< Yes, the dying warrior fought 'man', which was suppose to symbolize more than one man, which is mentioned somewhere in the story. But, nevertheless, it will sound much better with "other warriors" or "other men" rather than simply man, so thanks for pointing that out to me. ^^

    Also, thanks for the warming review, Blue, I dearly appreciate it will all of my heart. ^^ One of my main focuses in short stories are descriptions because since they are rather short than chaptered fanfiction titles, I need to apply nice descriptions in a shorter span of space, paragraphs, and/or sentences. And plus, I'm a grand fan of writing these type of scenes, especially in a desert. My next short story will be taking place in a lovely castle room, involving a dreaming prince and a horrible dream. <3 Fantasy means action. ^^ Again, blue, I really appreciate that you took the time out and reviewed. It means a lot coming from such a talented one-shot writer.
    ~ COMING SOON ~


    Shiftry leapt into the air, shrieking and roaring as she started glowing and absorbing the sun’s light. Leaves shifted and curled at the edges as footsteps sounded on the grass. Her eyes were wide open and crazed, glazed with a white radiance. A slim, dark figure spontaneously crossed overhead, elegant and mysterious as it disappeared within the rose-colored vortex. It all seemed like a medieval fantasy; only reality blended in to make it all seem practical. The new otherworldly essence drifted in, allowing the illumination to bless the woman and reveal herself to the world. Karen had arrived

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    Absolute best description of a desert, ever. Beautifully evocative and thought-provoking. A few minor grammatical errors aside, this is a terrific story.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady Barbara
    Absolute best description of a desert, ever. Beautifully evocative and thought-provoking. A few minor grammatical errors aside, this is a terrific story.
    Awww...*feels ecstatic* Thank you SO much for reviewing, Lady Barbara, I really appreciate it coming from you. ^^ I don't believe I've seen you here before, so first, it is a pleasure meeting you. I'm glad that you dropped by and decided to leave a review behind. ^^

    Yeah, this time around, I had a few grammatical errors, and I still know there's at least one or two still out there, hiding in the sentences and the description that I haven't noticed. XD Yeah, I love writing about deserts at nighttime, and imagining that the air gets hotter at dusk rather than dawn, which brings up the torrid gales and steaming zephyrs. ^^ Again, thanks a bunch for reviewing, Lady Barbara.
    ~ COMING SOON ~


    Shiftry leapt into the air, shrieking and roaring as she started glowing and absorbing the sun’s light. Leaves shifted and curled at the edges as footsteps sounded on the grass. Her eyes were wide open and crazed, glazed with a white radiance. A slim, dark figure spontaneously crossed overhead, elegant and mysterious as it disappeared within the rose-colored vortex. It all seemed like a medieval fantasy; only reality blended in to make it all seem practical. The new otherworldly essence drifted in, allowing the illumination to bless the woman and reveal herself to the world. Karen had arrived

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    Quote Originally Posted by Serpent Syra
    *zaps mistake* Yes, yes, yes, I shall immediately get rid of these mistakes before I tottle away and read fifty pages of my novel. o.< Yes, the dying warrior fought 'man', which was suppose to symbolize more than one man, which is mentioned somewhere in the story. But, nevertheless, it will sound much better with "other warriors" or "other men" rather than simply man, so thanks for pointing that out to me. ^^

    Also, thanks for the warming review, Blue, I dearly appreciate it will all of my heart. ^^ One of my main focuses in short stories are descriptions because since they are rather short than chaptered fanfiction titles, I need to apply nice descriptions in a shorter span of space, paragraphs, and/or sentences. And plus, I'm a grand fan of writing these type of scenes, especially in a desert. My next short story will be taking place in a lovely castle room, involving a dreaming prince and a horrible dream. <3 Fantasy means action. ^^ Again, blue, I really appreciate that you took the time out and reviewed. It means a lot coming from such a talented one-shot writer.
    ^^; It just confused me because usually when I hear the term "man" used as such, I think of "mankind", so I thought "Wha? He was fighting himself?". oO; Then the most logical explanation I could come up with was that you were actually referring to Latios in that sentence, but then the rest of the paragraph screwed up that theory...

    8O Me? Talented? You must have mistaken me for someone else. ._. I no talent. I haven't even written a One-Shot in the longest time...


    ~*~
    epona, epona, soba ni oide,
    futari de ireba, kanashiku nanka nai
    dakara, epona, koko ni ite
    watashi no uta wo kiiteite ne



  13. #13
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    Wow. This is a great one shot, too bad I’m a terrible reviewer from lack of practise (Note: though I write a fic, I rarely read other people’s). I like how you managed to do the main character’s thoughts, them seamlessly tied in how Latios thought of him, most fic writer’s stuff up big time (At least I do) when adding multiple perspectives in at once.

    Destiny of Understanding is currently up to Chapter
    Ryan’s Intermezzo: Part the Second
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    I will help any active fan/reviewer of my fic in any way I can, no matter how much time I have to waste.

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    Wow Syra, this is by far my favoritest work written by you (I normally don't get interested your writings..no offense). I noticed your vocabulary was toned down A LOT and I think its a really good thing since its important to know the words you're using. Oh, and btw, please learn other words for blue besides cobalt, if I see that word one more time written by ANYONE, im going to killl someone. I noticed one mistake, boneyards is one word. I really liked the introductory part but couldnt really see how it was linked to the actual one shot (thats probably my stupidity...yeesh I shouldnt be taking AP literature). I really loved the way you described him suffering and the appearnce of Latios and how he chose to let him suffer for letting the guy die at the end, that was powerful. One thing I noticed was that I coudlnt really tell what time period this was. You talk about clans and this guys armor makes him sound like a samurai, yet you also talk about him buliding robots and creating castles and cloning? That really has to be cleared up.

    Overall, this is really really nice. Good to be back in the fanficiton business

    9/10
    A Championship Battle
    FINISHED: Johto's top psychic trainer and the granddaughter of an Elite Four member go head to head for the Silver Cup championship. Features underused pokemon including Tropius, Slowking, and my personal favorite, Jynx



    This story is too fleshed out and completed in my head for me not to finish it. I'm determined to finish my first real, fleshed out fiction. And I'll wait until it's done before posting it. Chapters 6/18.

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by lilbluecorsola
    ^^; It just confused me because usually when I hear the term "man" used as such, I think of "mankind", so I thought "Wha? He was fighting himself?". oO; Then the most logical explanation I could come up with was that you were actually referring to Latios in that sentence, but then the rest of the paragraph screwed up that theory...

    8O Me? Talented? You must have mistaken me for someone else. ._. I no talent. I haven't even written a One-Shot in the longest time...
    Yes, Blue, you are very, very talented with one-shots. Though, I do miss reading all of your excellent short stories, they are just enjoyable and great in quality, especially the last one you wrote, Champion. Yeah, I cleared it up, so now it sounds much, much better than simply MAN. ^^
    Quote Originally Posted by Kawaii Kyuubi Kitsune
    Wow. This is a great one shot, too bad I’m a terrible reviewer from lack of practise (Note: though I write a fic, I rarely read other people’s). I like how you managed to do the main character’s thoughts, them seamlessly tied in how Latios thought of him, most fic writer’s stuff up big time (At least I do) when adding multiple perspectives in at once.
    Same here. o.o I've been busy reading a historical novel and writing a future chaptered fanfiction (Pokemon, Fantasy/Action-Genred) as well as brainstorming ideas for so many one-shots that I don't have time to read all of the fanfictions I do. Plus, I get very picky for some strange reason. If it's Horror or Fantasy, you'll see me there. Action, sometimes. Anything else, I'm not quite sure. >.< Anyways, first and foremost, I love your username. ^^ Second, thank you so much for revieiwng, Kitsune, I really appreciate it. ^^ Doing perspectives can be a tricky thing, and I'm continuously working on to make it better. ^^ Thanks again!
    Quote Originally Posted by Iceking
    Wow Syra, this is by far my favoritest work written by you (I normally don't get interested your writings..no offense). I noticed your vocabulary was toned down A LOT and I think its a really good thing since its important to know the words you're using. Oh, and btw, please learn other words for blue besides cobalt, if I see that word one more time written by ANYONE, im going to killl someone. I noticed one mistake, boneyards is one word. I really liked the introductory part but couldnt really see how it was linked to the actual one shot (thats probably my stupidity...yeesh I shouldnt be taking AP literature). I really loved the way you described him suffering and the appearnce of Latios and how he chose to let him suffer for letting the guy die at the end, that was powerful. One thing I noticed was that I coudlnt really tell what time period this was. You talk about clans and this guys armor makes him sound like a samurai, yet you also talk about him buliding robots and creating castles and cloning? That really has to be cleared up.

    Overall, this is really really nice. Good to be back in the fanficiton business

    9/10
    Non taken, Iceking. ^^ I think I have a clue as to why you rarely read fanfictions from me (Description and vocabulary, perhaps?). The warrior is a true warrior, not a samurai. Warriors are usually packed together, serving kingdoms and castles and royalties as 'enhanced soldiers' to be more protective and secure their lives. So, they built castles around to move in the royalty families and you know, hide them from contact with lots of people and such. The cloning is simply more of a fantasy-touch metaphor of some sort, referring to them cloning horses to increase their size, in attempt to scaring away the packs of Pokemon. ^^

    Also, thank you SO much for reviewing this, Iceking, it means a lot coming from a friend. ^.^ I went ahead and patched up some of the flaws of my description, which I think brought a more powerful presence since I used words that I am greatly familiar with. As for the introduction, it explains how humanity (in the future, though in a present tense. It's in the future, though in present-future tense, if that's possible. x.x) lusts for eternity while very few know that it can end in a curse. ^^ And you see, eternity is necessarily not always a good way, not if you're rich and you're blessed to live forever. That'd be a luxury for all of us. But, the way the warrior will suffer forever in a curse, hence, eternity can be a curse as well as a blessing. Thanks again!
    ~ COMING SOON ~


    Shiftry leapt into the air, shrieking and roaring as she started glowing and absorbing the sun’s light. Leaves shifted and curled at the edges as footsteps sounded on the grass. Her eyes were wide open and crazed, glazed with a white radiance. A slim, dark figure spontaneously crossed overhead, elegant and mysterious as it disappeared within the rose-colored vortex. It all seemed like a medieval fantasy; only reality blended in to make it all seem practical. The new otherworldly essence drifted in, allowing the illumination to bless the woman and reveal herself to the world. Karen had arrived

  16. #16
    UnholyWeather Guest

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    Wowness.

    Pretty good one-shot. Your description has improved immensely. I remember reading Switchblade Corruption and having to stop because the sheer amount of description just...bored me. I did enjoy the battle at the beginining of that story though.

    I liked this little tale of cursed immortality. Thumbs up on the desolate setting. I too enjoy persons struggling against the harsh environment while slowly losing thier minds. I would recommend reading Stephan King's "The Gunslinger". It has a nice chase across the desert. I also enjoyed how you mixed past and future elements like the warrior using robots.

    Anyway, great 'shot and I twitchingly await your epic Sky.

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by UnholyWeather
    Wowness.

    Pretty good one-shot. Your description has improved immensely. I remember reading Switchblade Corruption and having to stop because the sheer amount of description just...bored me. I did enjoy the battle at the beginining of that story though.

    I liked this little tale of cursed immortality. Thumbs up on the desolate setting. I too enjoy persons struggling against the harsh environment while slowly losing thier minds. I would recommend reading Stephan King's "The Gunslinger". It has a nice chase across the desert. I also enjoyed how you mixed past and future elements like the warrior using robots.

    Anyway, great 'shot and I twitchingly await your epic Sky.
    ^^ Thank you, UnholyWeather, that review means so much to me. Yes, from that point in time, when I was writing Switchblade Corruption, my description has greatly improved, though I still feel that the first two beginning chapters of Sky are flowing with nice description, possibly just a little too much. But, it wasn't as much as the first chapter of Switchblade Corruption, so all is good. (And I loved that battle so much, I can't wait until next fall when I start grand-revisiong Switchblade Corruption. ^^)

    I love the environment that I chose, a desert under moonlight with harsh, torrid gales. That is love. <3 Anyways, again, I thank you for reviewing the one-shot and I'll be awaiting the review for Sky (when it comes out). ^^
    ~ COMING SOON ~


    Shiftry leapt into the air, shrieking and roaring as she started glowing and absorbing the sun’s light. Leaves shifted and curled at the edges as footsteps sounded on the grass. Her eyes were wide open and crazed, glazed with a white radiance. A slim, dark figure spontaneously crossed overhead, elegant and mysterious as it disappeared within the rose-colored vortex. It all seemed like a medieval fantasy; only reality blended in to make it all seem practical. The new otherworldly essence drifted in, allowing the illumination to bless the woman and reveal herself to the world. Karen had arrived

  18. #18
    UnholyWeather Guest

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    This will probably be considered spam but what the hey.
    Don't shoot me.

    ~EDIT~
    True. Ok, this post was for rating Syra's one-shot "Eternity's Prison".
    The reason I posted like that was because I forgot to rate it when I reviewed.
    That is all. *Goes looking for "The Fairy-Tale Sea".*
    Last edited by UnholyWeather; 25th November 2005 at 3:45 AM.

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by UnholyWeather
    This will probably be considered spam but what the hey.
    Don't shoot me.
    I wouldn't consider it SPAM, just go back and edit the post saying that you rated my thread. It is pertaining to the topic, so...yeah. ^^

    And thank you for rating this short story five stars! It is a true honor. ;_; My last one-shot, The Fairy-Tale Sea, was overall rated four stars, and I feel that this was a great improvement from then, though I slightly liked that one-shot more than this one (it has angels and Latias. 8D) Again, thank you so much for the rating, the review, and everything; I really appreciate it.
    ~ COMING SOON ~


    Shiftry leapt into the air, shrieking and roaring as she started glowing and absorbing the sun’s light. Leaves shifted and curled at the edges as footsteps sounded on the grass. Her eyes were wide open and crazed, glazed with a white radiance. A slim, dark figure spontaneously crossed overhead, elegant and mysterious as it disappeared within the rose-colored vortex. It all seemed like a medieval fantasy; only reality blended in to make it all seem practical. The new otherworldly essence drifted in, allowing the illumination to bless the woman and reveal herself to the world. Karen had arrived

  20. #20
    Shadowcat Guest

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    Syra! Finally, I've stopped becoming a Closet Reader for your fics. Anyway, the scene is a desert, which makes in very interesting, as most authors do not used deserts as places to where their characters would go. Nice Name! (Gives 5 Star Rating) I love it.

  21. #21
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    8D Those darned two word titles of yours. I can never seem to figure them out and they elude my brain. D: That didn't even make sense. DAHHHHLING DONT LISTEN TO ME! YOUR HEAD WILL SEXPLODE!

    Beautiful. That sounds so repetitive. Darn you and your way of writing! Too good! I noticed the description was toned down from your previous works, which is definetly SAYING something. Latios=Healing? I figured that would be more of a Latias thing. Hoe wells. Don't listen to me plz.

    The knight deserved to squirm. D: *looks at Sike* We are sadists, HEAR US ROAR!

    As always, wonderful, dear. Sublime and yummy like chocolate pudding and pot roast. :3 Can't wait for the whole thing. *dance* Scrap helped ya, eh? Yes, I noted the similarity between writings. I hope though, that you can morph a more.....hmm....different way of writing after you have absorbed what she sought to teach you. Two Scraps=NO GOOD! 8D I know you will, just making sure.

    *hugs*

    I luff you. ^^
    My Author Website

    First book sold to Viking/Penguin! ^^


    .__relive the legend__.

    *

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    Quote Originally Posted by xXSapphireXx
    Syra! Finally, I've stopped becoming a Closet Reader for your fics. Anyway, the scene is a desert, which makes in very interesting, as most authors do not used deserts as places to where their characters would go. Nice Name! (Gives 5 Star Rating) I love it.
    Awww, thank you SO MUCH for the rating and the fabulous review, Sapphire, I really, really appreciate it. ^^ You typically do not see a desert within fanfictions, let alone a short story. I got the inspiration from reading a desert scene in Scrap's Sin (I believe it was Chapter Ten, when the Dodrio was walking in the desert), and experimented with it. I wrote different desert scenes to help me have a great opening with a new scene, and I did. The inspiration came from Scrap. ^^ Anyways, I'm glad that you love it, and I'm glad for the review and rating. ^^ THANK YOU!
    Quote Originally Posted by xXSaberXx
    8D Those darned two word titles of yours. I can never seem to figure them out and they elude my brain. D: That didn't even make sense. DAHHHHLING DONT LISTEN TO ME! YOUR HEAD WILL SEXPLODE!

    Beautiful. That sounds so repetitive. Darn you and your way of writing! Too good! I noticed the description was toned down from your previous works, which is definetly SAYING something. Latios=Healing? I figured that would be more of a Latias thing. Hoe wells. Don't listen to me plz.

    The knight deserved to squirm. D: *looks at Sike* We are sadists, HEAR US ROAR!

    As always, wonderful, dear. Sublime and yummy like chocolate pudding and pot roast. :3 Can't wait for the whole thing. *dance* Scrap helped ya, eh? Yes, I noted the similarity between writings. I hope though, that you can morph a more.....hmm....different way of writing after you have absorbed what she sought to teach you. Two Scraps=NO GOOD! 8D I know you will, just making sure.

    *hugs*

    I luff you. ^^
    Scrap was my inspiration when she wrote the desert scene, and I somehow took on her way of writing in a small way. Trust me, I am only gaining knowledge about writing, and I will definitely craft inspiration into my own writing. I have a very different writing style that authors, since I love to describe and I really love fantasy. >.o;; So don't worry, all of my stories will be plainly original, and oh course, I just possibly cannot take upon Scrap's writing style. We have various distinct features between the two. ^^

    THANK YOU so much for the review and such, and I luff you, too. 8D Yes, description was toned down, which will definitely be displayed in my chaptered novel, Sky. ^^ And I thought about using Latias, but since she was already featured in A Fairy-Tale Sea, and plus, I feel as though all dragon-type Pokemon have some sort of healing abilities upon humans. ^^ More of a personal opinion which I apply into fantasy to make it seem so realistic and magical. Again, thanks!
    ~ COMING SOON ~


    Shiftry leapt into the air, shrieking and roaring as she started glowing and absorbing the sun’s light. Leaves shifted and curled at the edges as footsteps sounded on the grass. Her eyes were wide open and crazed, glazed with a white radiance. A slim, dark figure spontaneously crossed overhead, elegant and mysterious as it disappeared within the rose-colored vortex. It all seemed like a medieval fantasy; only reality blended in to make it all seem practical. The new otherworldly essence drifted in, allowing the illumination to bless the woman and reveal herself to the world. Karen had arrived

  23. #23
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    Yeah, because if I tried writing purple prose like him my head would explode and bleed out.

  24. #24
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    Yes, yes, and if I would even try to attempt the beautiful action scenes, horror elements, and violence within my stories, I'd suffer from a gruesome heart attack or an immediate stroke. She's excellent in horror, I love writing fantasy. ^^ Differences between the two, although sometimes, I do think that our minds work alike some days. ^^

    Again, I thank everyone for reviewing this short story! You all can go rate the thread, if you'd like, but either way, I still appreciate that you all commented. It means so much. ;_;
    ~ COMING SOON ~


    Shiftry leapt into the air, shrieking and roaring as she started glowing and absorbing the sun’s light. Leaves shifted and curled at the edges as footsteps sounded on the grass. Her eyes were wide open and crazed, glazed with a white radiance. A slim, dark figure spontaneously crossed overhead, elegant and mysterious as it disappeared within the rose-colored vortex. It all seemed like a medieval fantasy; only reality blended in to make it all seem practical. The new otherworldly essence drifted in, allowing the illumination to bless the woman and reveal herself to the world. Karen had arrived

  25. #25
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    *Flies into thread on Lugia plushy.*
    Silverwing: Uh oh, make way, teh psycho one-shot reader is here!!!

    Yup, I actually showed up! ^^ Actually, I managed to keep my head this time long enough to spot some "errors" something I usually can't do. I say "errors" because they're not really wrong, but just sort of bugged me.
    A cloud of sand enveloped him in its body, trapping him in the acres of blinding white sand, their prisoner forever.
    Ack, same word twice in the last sentence no less. Needs a synonym for the first sand, methinks.
    The blinding white sand stretched across acres and acres of land, silver pearls of the moonlit sky dancing in the balmy winds. The velvety, dark-cobalt skyline was deeply defined against the actual sky, spotted with motionless golden stars and a full, silver-blazing moon.

    Torrid, howling gales blustered around wildly, blowing tumbleweeds around. The heating temperatures heightened to the high nineties, baking the dunes and the grounds. Large, jagged brown rocks, with stripes of white, rose up from the surface, slashing at the hot airstreams. The day was searing, magical, and dying.
    Okay, is it daytime...or night? oO The first paragraph screams night, but the second says day. Last time I checked, it rarely gets beyond eighty at night in the desert. And in some, like the Sahara fr'instance actually gets pretty cold with so much lost heat.
    Speaking of which, you get a cookie. *waves around "I love deserts" flag.*
    Silverwing: *Sigh* That's our Chibs. Vegas kid now and forever.

    OH! I gots it! It's daytime and night at the same time!!! *crickets.* Well, it was worth a shot...
    Torrid, howling gales blustered around wildly, blowing tumbleweeds around.
    "Around" twice just sort of bugged me. Second one should be "about" methinks.

    Okay, now...how would the virus be "naturally cured at a hospital"? I didn't get that part...and how did he go three weeks without water? I know Latios's curse was for endless pain without death, but did the virus prevent him from dying as well until it had fully consumed him?

    Well, that said...I guess...description...
    Silverwing: Oh great, not again. >>

    Honestly, you know anything and everything that I could and would say, as I'm sure you've heard it enough out of me. ^^;;; I astounds me to no end how much your description PWNS mine. Seriously, not just the big words, or even how you use them, but just that feel...that feel of when you know what you're reading is quality...that stupid feeling that I incidentally have never been able to shove into any of my one-shots except possibly Inevitable.

    Yeah...

    I reeeeaaaallly need to write a one-shot. Especially with the Christmas awards coming up.

    This thread hath been Chibified!!! *stamps thread and flies away on giant mystic Lugia plushy.*

    ~Chibi~<?>
    Last edited by Chibi Pika; 25th November 2005 at 10:28 PM.


    Ever wondered what would happen if humans had the power to overthrow the Legendaries? To either use them for their own ends, or eliminate them altogether? One thing is for certain...the balance between human and Legendary is unstable.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    8/30/12: CHAPTER 7: “Into the Fire” POSTED!!!
    Chapter 8 progress: 9/12 pages


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