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Thread: Desperate Secrets (An AAMayL Novel)

  1. #1
    travis_and_chelsea Guest

    Default Desperate Secrets (An AAMayL Novel)

    Desperate Secrets

    ~An Ash And May Love Novel by me
    T.D. Mashburn~

    Chapter One

    Why Can’t I admit?

    Walking in the middle of Hoenn trying to get to Orre, there were three pokemon trainers and a smart guy walked down a road. Max was smart. He had jagged black hair. He had tan skin and wore glasses. He had a green shirt with a dark collar.

    Beside him was his older sister. She was a trainer. She had a Blaziken beside her. She wore a red shirt with a black and white collar. She wore a short navy blue skirt with a fanny pack. It was yellow.

    Beside her was a kid he had been a trainer for quite a while. His name was Ash. He was wearing a black t-shirt with blue jeans on. He was not in his normal uniform. He is usually in a blue shirt sweater with a Hoenn Symbol with black jeans.

    Then beside him, was a stern fellow. His name was Brock. He wore a green shirt with a pokeball symbol and wore orange like pants with a lot of side pockets. He was really dark skinned. He also had spiky black hair.

    “Good job Ash with the Evergrande Conference,” May said.

    “Thanks,” Ash said. “You did good at the contest, even though you lost.”

    “Ah I’ll make it up,” May said.

    They liked each other really good. They just didn’t want to admit it. Ash thought, Why Can’t I Admit Anything? As May always blushed. She couldn’t have any good conversations with each other. It was about battling usually.

    “Well when we head to Orre I’ll get my first Pokemon! I can’t wait! I is only discovered in Orre too.” Max said excitedly.

    “I know but you have to wait two weeks until your birthday,” Brock explained.

    “I know,” Max, said all bummed out.

    “Brock,” Ash said. “You are such a joy kill. You always ruin the fun.” Ash admitted.

    “I know,” he said.

    Max looked down. His stomach was growling.

    “Brock, I know its only 15 minutes til’ we get to Orre but I’M HUNGRY!” Max shouted.

    “A lunch break sounds good,” May said.

    They sat in a beautiful area. Green trees were everywhere, there were flower blooming. Brock was good at making food so he was the one who made lunch.

    “I need someone to get firewood,” Brock said.

    “I will,” said May. “I got things to think about.”

    May walked off with Blaziken.

    “Blaziken, I am thinking,” May said. “I can’t tell Ash that I like him. May looked threw the bushes. Ash was just walking alone. He was thinking too.

    Why can’t I tell her? What is wrong with me? I have to tell her sometime or another. I’m just scared.

    “I don’t know what to do,” May said.

    “Blaze Blaze Kin,” Blaziken said.

    “Yeah I guess your right,” May said.

    May walked back with wood and Ash walked back with sticks.

    “Ash why did you get those?” May asked. “I got us some wood.”

    “Well I went off thinking and didn’t realize what I was doing,” Ash said.

    “Common mistake,” May said.

    Brock made them some soup. It was white with chunks of carrots, peas, salt, and beans.

    “Watch out for a little something I put in there,” Brock said. “Beans, Beans the musical fruit.”

    “That was nice to know,” May said.

    “What do you think of it?” Brock asked.

    “AWSOME!” Ash, May, Max yelled.

    “Good!” Brock said.

    May finished her soup and walked off with her Cell Phone. She was text messaging her friend Ruth. The message was like.

    Hey Girl! What’s up! I’m fine. I’m just having some love problems with Ash. I mean 8i like him and all but I don’t want to tell him. I hide this just in case he reads it! I am also afraid someone is going to steal him from me! Good Luck with your Mudkip too. Text me back Bye!

    She put her phone away and went back with the others. They were finishing up their meals. They were full. BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!

    “I have a text message to look at PRIVATE! So I’ll be right back.” May said.

    She walked over far away so she could look at the message from her friend.

    Thanks! Mudkip is fine. Well I dunno what to say. You’re a smartest 10- year- old I have met. If you feel that way I don’t really know what to say. But all I know is you better think of something. Well I hope Blaziken is doing fine! G2G I have to go bye!

    May walked back to where everyone was. They weren’t there. They were by the exit out of the forest. May started to cry.

    “Where are they?” she cried.

    Someone came her way. She looked. It was a pretty girl. She had red hair with overalls on. He carried an Egg like pokemon in her hand. Its name was Togepi. Her name was Misty.

    “Hi,” Misty said. “I’m Misty.”

    “Hi,” May said. “Have you seen three boys named Ash, Brock, and Max?”

    “Yes!” Misty said. “Ash, Brock and I traveled but now I’m back.”

    “Can you take me to them?” she asked.

    “Sure,” Misty said.

    They walked to the exit. May saw all three of the boys. Her face was turning red.

    “This is not funny!” May said.

    “Ash I thought you were a good friend,” Misty said. “The same with you Brock!”

    “It was Max’s idea,” Ash said.

    “You didn’t have to go along with it,” May said.

    May was mad at Ash. Ash could even tell me the look in her eyes.


    Well Misty and May are rivals. They both like Ash and Misty will stop at nothing to tear May away. Misty used to be a good friend. What happened? Well read and you’ll find out!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Manila, MM, Philippines.


    Huh? Why isn't May's name mentioned in the description parts..... Anyway, Ishould read on to find out why.....Anyway, as the start, it's good but with a lot of grammar errors and spelling...chapter's a bit long.... That's all for now....

    GPXPlus Profile | Electromaster | Alert; Obsessions
    Paired with the awesome Orion-Sama~

  3. #3
    Mermaid Guest


    Nice chap
    G2G Can't wait until the next chap

  4. #4
    Shiny May Guest


    well so far it looks like the common May x Misty rivalry
    Try to make the feelings more descriptive and all and don't rush things !!

    Keep it up!

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep 2004


    Hey that was pretty good! Could be a little longer but it's ok!

    All your base are belong to US.


  6. #6
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    (44.5, 56.7)


    HEY! I've already written an AAMAYL parody!

    J/K, well kinda. This is just an average AAMAYL, no originality whatsoever.


  7. #7
    travis_and_chelsea Guest


    trust me with length it gets better. In chapter two I lost count of pages and I ended up with 6.5 page(s)

  8. #8
    Ember Guest


    It's pretty good. It could use a little bit more description though, otherwise, keep up the good work!

  9. #9
    travis_and_chelsea Guest


    Chapter Two
    When New Friends Go Bad!

    “That’s typical Ash,” Misty admitted.

    “That wasn’t funny though,” May said. “I was scared!”

    Misty knew what May was thinking. I might be mad but I still like him. Misty took her to the side and whispered You’ll never get him. I will

    “So much for a good new friend,” May said. She pulled Misty over to the side and whispered Try Me.

    Misty and May were enraged at each other. They wanted to hurt each other really bad. They eyed each other deeply.

    “What the heck are the furious about?” Brock asked.

    “Dunno, and dun care.” Max said.

    “Probably a girl thing,” said Ash. Ash looked at May knowing if they were arguing over someone he would keep out of it. He admired the way May acted when something was wrong. He always figured things out with her.

    They walked onto the road and saw a big banner on the side of the road. It looked like a forest and had big white letters. It read Noah Forest 2 miles and beneath it said Orre 10 miles.

    “Yay we’ll finally be there!” Max said. “Soon I’ll get my first pokémon in Orre!”

    “Max,” May said. “You have waited long so you deserve this.”

    “Thanks!” Max said.

    They walked and saw a turning point with a big sign that said. Noah Forest ŕ. They walked threw the forest. It was dark green with lots of bug pokemon crawling around.

    “EEEEWWWW!” Misty said. “I HATE BUGS!”

    “What a woos,” May whispered laughing.

    They walked on threw the forest looking at all the forest. They had stopped. Misty had time to set up a thorn for May to trip. May saw what she was doing. Once they continued she jumped over, and Misty tripped over it. May chortled. They walked on.

    “That was not funny!” Misty said.

    “Okay!” May said. She whispered to herself You Disserved It!

    The ground started to get marshy. They had to stomp threw it. Misty was giving Ash certain looks. May would have hit her but Brock would say something. So she kept her hands in her pockets.

    “How far until we’re out,” Max asked.

    “About 4 miles,” Brock said. “4 stinking marshy miles.”

    They were about out of the forest. They saw a really dark exit and walked threw it. When they were out it was like a desert area. It looked like Arizona with the road and desert combo. May covered her eyes. She pierced threw to see where she was going.

    “Look there is the sign into Orre!” May said.

    The walked in and there was a sudden transformation. It was all green and pretty. There were 10 buildings. 5 stores, 1 hotel, 2 houses, 1 lab, and 1 PokemonCenter.

    “YAY!” said Max. “The day will come soon!”

    “Sure will,” May said.

    “I just wonder what they have,” Max stated.

    “Good question,” Brock said.

    “We need to get hotel rooms,” Misty said.

    “Good idea!” Ash said.

    They walked into the hotel. It was beautiful. It was painted white with flowers and grass pokemon on it. The floor was wood and they had a big screen TV. It also had a place for a continental breakfast place in it.

    “This looks expensive,” Max, said.

    “Its only $15,” said the clerk.

    “We need two rooms,” Max said.

    “I won’t charge so go ahead to your rooms,” The clerk said.

    They walked up the stairs to the second floor and saw two rooms.

    “May and Misty together in a room and Ash, Max, and I will take this one. They went to there rooms. May eyed Misty.

    “I will get him,” May said.

    “I will,” Misty said. “Good luck though.”

    “I’ll do whatever it takes,” May said.

    “I set up the trap that I fell over,” Misty said. “You just had to jump.”

    “I love that I’m good,” May replied.

    “Ash is mine and I will not let you get him,” Misty stated furiously.

    “Then let the games begin,” May said.

    They looked into each other’s eyes and stood up.

    “I’m not scared,” May said.

    “You should be,” Misty replied.

    “Why?” May asked.

    “Because I’ll win,” Misty said.

    Misty looked desperate to win the way May’s attitude was. They were even more enraged at each other.

    “I’m tired of this,” May said. “We have to settle this.”

    “You’ll win or I will that’s all we can whether,” Misty said.

    May walked back to a wall and flipped around like Britney Spears doing a dance move. The only reason she did was Misty tried to grab her.

    “Don’t push it Mist,” May said.

    “That’s what I’m here to do,” Misty said. “Push you off the edge.”

    “You think you can wrestle me down just for Ash,” May said.

    “Duh!” Misty said.

    May took of her red shirt into this blue belly button shirt. It had loose see-threw strands on the edge. Mist took of hers into a red one like it. May raised her hand and shaped them like claws.

    “Meow,” May said.

    They jumped at each other and started to fight. Soon Max went in then he closed his 9 year old eyes.

    “Brock you settle this my eyes are too sensitive for this stuff,” Max said and ran out.

    “What is the deal?” Brock asked.

    “Private stuff,” May said.

    “Well break it up,” Brock said.

    “Okay!” Misty said.

    They got off of each other and lied on two separate beds. They could literally blow up.

    “You should never have shown up,” May said.

    “I should never had left the journey,” Misty said.

    They looked at the ceiling. They were thinking of plans to get each other. May smiled. I’ll set her up! It’ll be easy. Make her fall in something nasty. Such as garbage. she thought.

    Misty had a plan to do the same thing. One had to succeed before the other. Then they heard something outside. “SINGING CONTEST TONIGHT” May sounded interested. She liked to sing. She would sing La, La from Ashlee Simpson.

    “Well there is something good around here,” May said. She walked into the bathroom and got out her suitcase. She took off her red outfit into super shorts blue jean shorts. But she kept the blue shirt she hand on.

    “I feel like dancing,” May said.

    She turned on her radio and started to dance to Jessica Simpson’s With You. That was her favorite song. She searched for a faster song than found it. Like I Love You by Justin Timberlake.

    She came out smiling. Misty looked at her funny.

    “What’s with you?” Misty asked.

    “I’m entering a contest,” May said.

    Misty thought she was doing it for Ash. So she planned to try and crash it.

    “Security will be there so watch out,” May said.
    Last edited by travis_and_chelsea; 11th December 2004 at 3:16 AM.

  10. #10
    travis_and_chelsea Guest


    Chapter Three
    Performance Screw Up

    May walked out and knocked on Brock, Ash and Max’s door. They opened and saw May standing there in the doorway. Ash was stunned.

    “Where are you going?” Brock asked.

    “Contest,” May said. “Singing Contest.”

    “Can we come?” Max asked.

    “I don’t care,” May said. She shut their door and walked out to the place they were having a contest at. Little did May know that Misty was stalking her. May went to the back of the building and saw the people ready to dress her up.

    “Ready to go on stage?” They asked.

    “Wait until my friends get here,” said May. “They wanted to see me perform.”

    They looked out of the red curtains and Ash, Misty, Brock, and Max sitting down in the front. The place was beautiful. It had flower wallpaper and wood floor. There were tables with waiters walking around to give the people food.

    “Ready?” They asked.

    “Yes,” May said.

    She walked out on stage and said hello. Misty snuck to the back and turned the volume way low and they couldn’t here a thing. Than she turned it way too high. Than just right.

    “What the hell is up with the microphone,” asked May.

    Than she started to sing

    You can dress me up diamonds
    You can dress me up in dirt
    You can throw me like a line-man
    I like it better when it hurts
    I have waited here for you
    I have waited....

    Than it got lower and you couldn’t here it. May was furious. Then it went back to normal.

    You make me wanna La, La
    In the kitchen on the floor
    I’ll be your French Maid
    Where I’ll meat you

    Than it got way too high. May said STOP! And walked back stage to see Misty messing with the knob. She pushed her to the ground.

    “Why in the hell are you messing up my performance?” asked May.

    “Ash is here,” Misty stated.

    “I ought to kill you,” said May.

    Than security set everything right.

    “Sorry for the technical stuff,” said May.

    She went back to singing the song.

    You can dress me up diamonds
    You can dress me up in dirt
    You can throw me like a line-man
    I like it better when it hurts
    Oh, I have waited here for you
    I have waited
    You make me wanna la la
    in the kitchen on the floor
    I'll be a french maid
    When I meet you at the door
    I'm like an alley cat
    Drink the milk up, I want more
    You make me wanna
    You make me wanna scream
    You can meet me on an airplane
    Or in the back of the bus
    You can throw me like a boomerang
    I'll come back and beat you up
    Oh, I have waited here for you
    Dont, keep me waiting
    You make me wanna la la
    in the kitchen on the floor
    I'll be a french maid
    When I meet you at the door
    I'm like an alley cat
    Drink the milk up, I want more
    You make me wanna
    You make me wanna la la
    in the kitchen on the floor
    I'll be a french maid
    When I meet you at the door
    I'm like an alley cat
    Drink the milk up, I want more
    You make me wanna
    You make me wanna scream
    I feel safe with you
    I can be myself tonight
    It's alright, with you
    Cuz you hold, my secrets tight
    You do, You do

    You make me wanna la la, la la la, la la, la la la la la la la
    la la
    You make me wanna la la, la la la, la la la, la la la la
    You make me wanna la la
    in the kitchen on the floor
    I'll be a french maid
    When I meet you at the door
    I'm like an alley cat
    Drink the milk up, I want more
    You make me wanna
    You make me wanna la la
    in the kitchen on the floor
    I'll be a french maid
    When I meet you at the door
    I'm like an alley cat
    Drink the milk up, I want more
    You make me wanna
    You make me wanna scream
    You make me wanna la la, la la la, la la, la la la la la la la
    la la
    You make me wana la la, la la la la
    You make me wanna la la, la la la, la la, la la la la la la la
    la la
    You make me wana la la, la la la la
    You make me wanna la la, la la la, la la, la la la la la la la
    la la
    You make me wanna la la, la la la, la la, la la la la la
    May finished the song and everyone clapped. She was happy that everyone liked her performance.

    “Thank you!” she yelled.

    Misty looked at her jealously. She went up to May.

    “You got lucky Maple,” she said.

    “Ha, ha, ha,” said May.

    “Good job May!” Brock, Ash, and Max said.

    “May I haven’t heard better,” Max said.

    “Thanks,” said May.

    When Misty and May got back they got in their bathing suit and knocked on the door. Pikachu answered. Pikachu was Ash’s first pokemon.

    “Pika Pikachu,” Pikachu called to Ash. He asked them what was up. They had their arms around each other saying they were going to the pool.

    “I have some business with you at the pool,” said May.

    “So do I,” Misty replied.

    They were out by the pool. May was in front of Misty. They looked at each other madly.

    “I’m tired of what you’re doing,” said May.

    “I’ll do it until I get Ash,” Misty said.

    “Do you want to know what I think?” May asked.

    “Yeah,” Misty said.

    She pushed Misty into the water. Misty swam out and grabbed May.

    “Well you’ll never get him,” Misty said. Than she pulled her in. Misty started dunking her face in and out.

    “This is what you get,” Misty said.

    May jumped and pushed her in and held her down.

    “That’s what you get for being an *** hole,” said May. Than let Misty. Up. Than Misty jumped and pushed her down.

    “You shouldn’t have got in my way of being with Ash,” Misty said.

    “I’m going to get him if I tell him what you’re doing and I’ll confess my feelings too,” said May. “He might like one of us but hasn’t told us yet. You just never know!”

    Than May pushed Misty to the bottom. Than security came and grabbed them both. Brock and Max went out there.

    “What is the problem,” Brock said.

    “I told you,” said May. “Private stuff!”

    “I was just asking,” said Brock.
    The security pulled them out as Misty went to grab May but they stopped her. They brought them in. May ran into the hotel room and put a towel around her and got under the covers.

    “You had to mess with me,” said May. “You just had to.”

    “I wasn’t letting you have him,” Misty said. “And I never will.”

    “You have said that but it’s not going to happen,” said May.

    Misty was asleep in another bed. May looked at her.

    “I thought we were friends,” said May. “But just because of Ash we had to become enemies.”

    She sat in the bed watching Jimmy Neutron. She turned off the TV and went over to where Brock was. They were awake and May decided to talk with them.

    It was 12:00 AM and they all went to bed. May slept on a cot instead of with Misty. She had enough with Misty.
    Last edited by travis_and_chelsea; 6th December 2004 at 2:29 AM.

  11. #11
    Ember Guest


    It's good, but what is it with the humongous spaces inbetween each line?

  12. #12
    travis_and_chelsea Guest


    Oh darn it the stupid PokeCommunity thing must have screwed it up i'll edit it

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jun 2004


    (Excuse the yucky review, didn't feel like going into detail)

    ^_^; Lala . . . such a . . . er . . . weird song.

    Anyways, plotwise . . .

    Well, I've read a lot of Misty/May rivalry with both competing for Ash's love/affection/attention/etc. so hopefully you know where your going plotwise.

    Spelling/grammar were good with the exception of the occasional typo and grammatical error. Closer proofreads or spellchecks should catch up.

    You description is rather choppy especially when you first started describing characters. Adding some more detail and perhaps combining some of those choppy detail sentences would help.

    Characters . . . Too OOC for Misty and May. I know that there supposed enemies right now but IMO, it would be more realistic for the Pokémon world if you stayed true to their character or at least close to it.

    When using song lyrics, instead of just posting the song, perhaps adding how the crowd reacted to May's singing or something like that in between some lyrics would be better. I usually end up skimming song lyrics when its just the lyrics themselves.

    So overall, not bad I suppose. Keep working on it. ^^

    LaTeR dAyZ!

  14. #14
    travis_and_chelsea Guest


    With some grammer erros I post on my own (I like to make the characters talk that fast)

  15. #15
    Shiny May Guest


    Well first focus on the grammar and spelling. I've seen some mistakes
    Also work on description and don't use numbers, for example like this one:

    The walked in and there was a sudden transformation. It was all green and pretty. There were 10 buildings. 5 stores, 1 hotel, 2 houses, 1 lab, and 1 PokemonCenter.
    First the numbers should be gone and should be numbers in words. Also more description. What do the houses look like and the stores and all those buildings. I couldn't imagine the town.

    That's the most point you have to prove, description. Because it makes it more fun to read imo

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Sep 2004


    Well it was pretty good. I wonder what will Misty do when May gets Ash... She's gonna get him, right? O_o

    All your base are belong to US.


  17. #17
    travis_and_chelsea Guest


    I'll post next chappy later

  18. #18
    travis_and_chelsea Guest


    Chapter Four


    May lie on the cot trying to sleep. She was thinking of disturbing things. May finally fell asleep.

    May’s dream P.O.V.

    “What the covers aren’t blue, where am I” pulls of tarp. “Misty stop!” “Never” Drounding noises, “Please stop!”

    End of dream

    “Ah!” May screamed shooting straight up. Everyone got up and looked at her.

    “What’s wrong?” Brock asked.

    “Just a dream,” May said. She was trying to force herself to sleep. She fell asleep luckily. She was having another dream. This dream was just cold. Misty and Ash were doing something horrible.

    May’s Dream P.O.V

    “Its so romantic isn’t it Ash?” “It is alright.” “Hi Ash” “Hey Misty” “Oh Ash I love you” “I love you to” Ash gets up and starts making out. May breaks in. “Your my boyfriend! Ash!” “Not any more!”

    End of Dream

    May woke up again. She was tired of the dreams she was having dreams. She wished she could haunt Misty.

    “This is getting to be stupid,” May, state.

    She lies on the cot trying to think. She got out her C.D. player from her bag and turned on Britney Spears Greatest Hits, My Prerogative.

    “This will calm me down,” said May.

    She tried to sleep as Toxic the remix was playing into her ears.

    This time she wasn’t the one who had the dream. It was Ash. His was quite stupid. His was about May and Misty in a wrestling match.

    Ash’s Dream P.O.V

    “May is winning!” May punches Misty. “This is what you disserve.” “Really.” “Yeah!”

    End Of Dream

    Ash woke up. He looked at May with the music jamming in her ears. He walked over to see what she was listening to. He liked Britney Spears so he was tuning in to My Prerogative.

    “Man May knows good music,” Ash said.

    He walked back to the bed and tried to sleep again. He was hoping not to dream again. If he did he would just stay awake. He fell asleep.

    He started to dream about something stupid. That he loves May and it’s all over Orre.

    Ash’s Dream P.O.V.

    “May it’s all over Orre!” “I put it there.” Misty steps in crying. “I guess your happy now.” “No Misty I’m not!” Ash walked over to Misty. He put his arm around her and chuckled. “I like you better.”

    End Of Dream

    The alarm went off and they all woke up.

    “Did you sleep good May?” Brock asked.

    “2 dreams,” she said. “Yeah!”

    “Good,” Brock said.

    May went into the other room and saw Misty dancing.

    “Hi May,” she said.

    “Hi Misty,” replied May. “Come to haunt me in my dreams like last night?”

    “No,” Misty said. “But you haunted mine.”

    “You haunted mine too,” smirked May.

    They eyed each other.

    “Why can’t we get along?” asked May.

    “You are trying to win Ash over me,” Misty said.

    “Duh,” said May.

    “We’ll talk later,” said Misty.

    May walked away she went down to eat a continental breakfast.
    Last edited by travis_and_chelsea; 11th December 2004 at 12:41 AM.

  19. #19
    Ember Guest


    It's good but it is definatly way to short. It needs a little more description to.

  20. #20
    travis_and_chelsea Guest


    I wanted this one short *Only three pages*

  21. #21
    Shiny May Guest


    It may sound a bit harsh the next line but it's my opinion.

    Rushed, short, non-descriptive, not a great chap imo

    And three pages? this way three pages ?! What size and font do you use?

    First of all, I hated the part where you just posted May's dream POV or something like that. You've easily could have posted it like this. (not the best thing I've typed. i had to do it quickly!) I also added a part myself just to add stuff

    “Just a dream,” May said happily. She tried to make herself go to sleep but she couldn't. Thoughts crossed her mind which made her not able to fall asleep. Who did she need to talk about with this? She wanted to tell somebody, so she could share this and perhaps it would make her feel better. Forcing herself going to sleep didn't help at all so she decided to put on some music. After listening for a while, she drowsed away and finally fell asleep.

    Now she was having another dream and it was horrible and cold. It gave her goosebumps and she shivered all the time. She could see in the far distance how Misty and Ash were doing something horrible ánd the words she heard Ash saying were horrifying:

    “It's so romantic isn’t it Ash?” Misty said all dreamy.

    May walkes to closer to Misty and Ash and she keeps telling herself it's allright and that they're just there as two friends sitting next to each other.

    “Hi Ash and Misty!" May said as she saw how the two were looking into each other's eyes deeply. They couldn't keep their eyes off each other, but May got ignored completely, which angered her.

    “Oh Ash I love you” Misty confessed.

    “I love you to” Ash also confessed and he gets up. He moves his head towards Misty and they start to kiss.

    “Your my boyfriend! Ash!” May starts to call out

    “Not any more!” Ash replies

    with these words, May wakes up and looks around here as she sees Ash and Misty apart from each other.
    Not the best part I've written and I've added a few things just as an example. Also those sentences were really confusing, who said what. I hope I understood it correctly

    Also work more on description, express the feelings some more and don't forget about the surroundings. They can really make dreams or other scenes look better in a fanfic.

    Also a bit rushed with those dreams. You described an entire dream in a few lines. Describe it a bit more and don't have so many dreams in one chap and follow after one another

  22. #22
    travis_and_chelsea Guest


    I know your supposed to trash me off a little because that teaches me to do better so I agree that was a bit choppy but It will get better. meant for story chap to be short didn't you read that. Well thanks anyway and my font is Microsoft Word - Times New Roman - 12

  23. #23
    travis_and_chelsea Guest


    Chapter Five


    May finished her breakfast than went upstairs to change. She was going to look around at the stores. She went upstairs to the bathroom and changed into blue jean pants, a green shirt with the belly button sticking out.

    “Well, today you will get Misty so bad.” Said May.

    She walked out to see Misty looking at her. She was peering with a deep look.

    “Trying to win Ash with your clothes?” Misty asked.

    “No!” said May. “I’m going to look at the shops.”

    May walked out of the hotel and took a big breath. She walked over and looked at a store. OLD ANTIQUE STORE. She walked in and looked around. It looked like an old building with carpet and antiques everywhere. May was amazed.

    “Wow,” she said. “They’re beautiful!”

    She walked over to an antique. It was shaped as a Torchic and Pikachu playing leapfrog.

    “You can buy these if you want,” said the keeper.

    “I don’t have any money,” stated May

    “If you like you can have that one,” the shopkeeper said.

    “Gee thanks!” May said. “But how much did it cost?”

    “5 dollars,” the shopkeeper said.

    “I can pay for it then,” said May.

    She gave him the money and she walked out of the store. She walked into the hotel and knocked on Brock, Ash, and Max’s door. They opened it.

    “That is so cool May!” Max said.

    “It’s a cool antique for a low price,” said May

    “You might have been ripped off on this Pokémon statue,” Brock said.

    “What do you mean?” May said.

    “He could have gave you a cheap deal for nothing,” Brock said.

    May took the antique back to the store. No one was there to bust her or anything just the shopkeeper.

    “I was just seeing if you set me up,” said May. “But the cops weren’t on my tail.”

    “No I didn’t,” the shopkeeper said. “I’m not like that.”

    “Okay,” she said. She walked out and into the room with Misty.

    “May that is cool,” Misty asked. “Where’d you get it.”

    “The ole antique store,” said May.

    “I don’t know why we’re getting along,” Misty said. “STOP GETTING ALONG!”

    “Gee calm down you baby,” said May.

    May walked out of the room to go to another store. She saw another store that had just toys and needs.

    “I ought to bring Max here,” said May. She walked around isles and saw a singing Microphone. You could try it out. May walked up to it.

    She walks around like she’s a movie star. It’s like she knows who you are. She is striving, pushing looking for a little something to tug at. She is just another, just another D.Q. She is drama queen girl trying to make it in the music world. She only believes in herself. Won’t let anyone stand in front of her. And then you’ll all see. That girl is me!,” sang May.

    People crowded near to hear her sing. They looked at her cheering.

    “Thanks! Even though it’s a kids toy it’s cool.” May said.

    She walked out as the rest of the people were shopping again. She never knew people really liked her singing.

    She walked over to the third store and looked at the sign. Music Palace. She walked in and saw a lot of CDs.

    “Maybe they the Poké songs of the year?” said May.

    Someone ran in.

    “There is a burglar out there in some store so we need to stay here!” the guy said.

    May looked worried. She had to get out in some way. She didn’t know how she was going to though. Soon she saw a black suited man with a gun and she ran into the utility closet.

    “Come out, come out.” The guy said. “Or just hide, hiding is a great idea.”

    May hid in the clothes. She tried not to make a sound as she saw a figure come that way.

    “Why am I by the utility closet?” said the burglar. “No one is there.”

    May felt a sigh of relief as he walked away. Than he walked around more isles. May got a mop and a broom. She walked out.

    “If your going to get these people you gotta get me first,” said May.

    “Really?” said the burglar. “It’ll be easy beating you.”

    “GO BLAZIKEN!” yelled May.

    Blaziken a bird stepped out. Blaziken had fire at his wrist and ankle. He had bird claws. It had blond long hairs and a red body.

    “I send out Sceptile!” said the burglar.

    The battle got underway. Blaziken blasted a fireball at Sceptile the green lizard. Sceptile got up and jumped on Blaziken and head butted it. Blaziken stood up and pelted up into the air. Than it came down knocking out Sceptile.

    “Good battle.” He said. “NOW I’LL TAKE YOU!”

    He grabbed her and ran out. She stumbled on trying to break free of his grip. She was hopeless.

    “ASH, BROCK, MAX, MISTY HELP!” yelled May.

    The burglar ran into a building and locked her inside a room.

    “Have fun!” said the burglar.

    “HELP!!” yelled May again.

    Ash and the rest of them ran outside. They heard May. They split up. Ash went into the Music store, Max into the toy store, Brock into the antique store, and Misty stayed where she was.

    “Misty!” Brock yelled. “She was trying to be your friend you should help her!”

    “No!” Misty said. “Now we’re enemys!”

    Ash ran into the music store running down isles. He saw Blaziken crying.

    “Blaze, buddy what’s wrong?” Ash asked. Blaziken looked up at Ash.

    “Blaze, Blaze, BLAZE!” Blaziken said.

    “May was kidnapped!” Ash said. “We have to tell everyone.”

    Ash and Blaziken ran out of the store. Ash ran into the toy store.

    “Max!” Ash said. “May was kidnapped!”

    “What?” Max said.

    They ran out and told Brock they ran out of the store and ran inside.

    “Office clerk!” said Brock. “Can you help us? Our friend was kidnapped.”

    “I’ll see what I can do.” The office clerk said.

    They walked outside to see the town clean as a whistle. Ash was nervous. They all were nervous actually. They didn’t know if they would see her again.

    “May,” said Ash. His eyes started to water. He looked at Misty. Misty looked like she didn’t care.

    “I can’t believe I was your friend,” said Ash.

    … With May In The Building

    May was feeling around trying to look for something to sit on. She felt something like a couch. She found a match and lit it. There was no snakes and a couch. She sat on the couch and hugged the covers on it.

    “I hope they find me!” said May. “I’m scared.”

    With those words she started to fall asleep.

    She woke up a few minutes later from noises.

    “Who’s there?” she whispered.
    Last edited by travis_and_chelsea; 11th December 2004 at 3:59 PM.

  24. #24
    Mermaid Guest


    Nice, well it was kind of short
    Can't wait until the next chapter!

  25. #25
    travis_and_chelsea Guest


    Chapter List

    6. Finding May
    7. Misty's Trick
    8. Party Fight
    9. Tornado Alert
    10. The Truth
    11. Confession

    Thats all the chapters but I'll make them longer and more stuff. i'm trying to make so Misty gets so close (I litterally act out my chapters)

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