Hell's Summer /AdvacnceShipping

[Prodo32]

Chapter 1 behavior

It was the beggnning of summer as Ash Ketchum walked out of The Battle
Pyramid with his friends Brock, a Pokemon Breeder and good friend to Ash during the begginng of his journey, May Maple a Pokemon Cordinater(hope i spelled it right), and her little brother Max."Wow the summer really has begun this is so great now I can sit back relax and have a good time!" May said loud.Brock grinned as he saw the young trio say what they were going to do this summer.Then Brock spied his sqinty eyes atb a piece of parchment."FUN PLAY AND GREATNESS AT THE POKeRESORT."It showed a girl and a boy with an relaxing Munchlax.Brock started to say lhey to the, but they interrupted him with loud talking... as in Shut the hell up.Brock just cried the cry of lonlieness. Then May got a glimse of the parchment."Is that one of those awesome resorts with all customs if we went their..."May stood with glowy anime eyes."...AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH That would be so full of cordinaters to battle Swwweeeetness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" There was a quick silence as every person in the nearby town looked at her in shock.Then Ash broke out"What hell the lookin at dammit, Just go and get the **** out of here!" Everyone walked away from the scary Ash."Uh thanks Ash..." May blushed red."No problem these people need to to mind they business."Ash said annoyed as they wind to get their tickets from the airport."Well at least there is a protecter out there for me...at least its Ash" May said in her mumbled softly.

[pokemaster3000]

Its okay,but its way too small and there was some spelling and grammar mistakes.

[Haruka_San]

The plot is nice but you have to make it longer or else they'll close it. And also you should put a rating.

[shadow_shipper]

sorry, but WTF ??!?!!

OOC, too short, undescribed, and no plot so far...

damn, this is the first time I bother to actually point out the really bad stuff at the beginning of a fic...could you improve that and maybe we will be able to read more of this before it gets closed ? cause something just caught my eye in this fic...in a good way of course...

[Prodo32]

Dont worry makin a another chpter 2 it

[darkjigglypuff]

Holy s*** on s*** sandwhich... Please, use your spacebar inbetween sentences. It's right under the Z, X, C, V, B, N, and M keys. Also needs to be longer. If it can at least take up the screen, it's okay. After being dumbfounded by your inability to seperate sentences, I attempted to read it.

1. WTF is with Ash getting angry? He just randomly got P*ssed off.
2. May praises Ash for... getting p*ssed at nothing o_0? WTF?
Really, they're looking at a sign, and Ash go's off the hook telling them to get the f*ck out of there, and then May thanks him.

Plot
I fail to see the foreshadowing of any event to happen in the future. Nothing much else to say. However, I'll give you that this was the (craptastic) first chapter. Raiting: 5/10


Character Devolopment
See my above rant on Ash and May's action. Brock didn't even say anything. 0.1/10. At least there was dialoge

Setting
Airport. Summer. You didn't give three words to describe anything. Failed completely. 0/10

Length & Description
You completely missed this one. Heck my review is as long than the chapter!
0/10

Grammer & Spellling
Good God... my eyes, they burn X_X
0.5/10

Overall Rating
1.12 out of 10. It would take a miracle to pull this out of the pit. At least use spaces inbetween sentences, or give five words to describe the setting, clothes, faces, ect. Try harder. Re-read your fic for mistakes, and Preview it to make sure of it's length. (3 pages on word will do the trick). At leat it has a (deformed) spine for the plot. Advice for Aspiring Authors will do the trick, too.

End Critique

[leafy-the-hedgehog]

you said it.
just when you find a advanceshipping fic it's short and needs a lot of improvement

[Michiko.Majikaru]

Plot looks good. Thank for supporting this pairing.

[ankokuryu]

ok... this was pretty bad. really short, and has no clarification in the plot/ character/ setting. it was confusing and OMG! bad spelling and grammar.
also, wtf? why does May suddenly go AHHHHH! Then, Ash just goes phycho at everyone just because everyone's staring at May. I'd stare too, if someone just Yelled AHHHHH! still... ADVANCESHIPPING ALL THE WAY!

[Forretress Fan]

.....................................
I have no idea what that chapter was about none nada zulch!
also there is a space bar!!!!!!!!1Its like the longest bar on the key board!

hoping second chapter has spaces.....

~FF

[Encyclopika+]

And why doesn't someone report that this fic is too short and is breaking rules.
...
*closes*