Honor Among Thieves (PG-13)

[PsiUmbreon]

Yeah, this is chapter 1 of my first fanfic. Before reading it, you may want to know that it takes place in my made up region, Altairon, and there are Pokemon that I made up featured in the story. If you need any clarification on how they look, or whatever, I'll clear it up for ya. However if it's important I'll put a description of the Pokemon myself. I'll try to post a chapter every couple of weeks.

Honor Among Thieves

Chapter 1: The Remorseless Criminal

The sun had set on the dirty, criminal-riddled slums of Murdock. The streets were mostly quiet, with a couple of cars occasionally flying past the dimly lit roads. Nocturnal Pokemon, such as Virat, could be seen pawing through the dumpsters. An atmosphere of fear settled over the town at night. During the day, the streets are fairly crowded. However, at the first sign of sunset, most people scurried home like rabbits.

This was the perfect time for Vyle, a common thief, to prowl the alleys, looking for his next victim. Vyle was short and skinny, and wore a tattered black robe, with a hood on it that covered his face. He crept along the darkest alleys, his robe making him nearly invisible. Vyle wasn’t a person that even wanted to be seen anyway.

Tonight, Vyle was on the hunt, like a hungry lone wolf. Having lived on the streets since childhood, he was an expert on survival. The only way for him to survive, besides pawing through rotting garbage looking for food, was to steal. And Vyle was built for it. Being fairly small and always cloaked in the color of shadows, and having small, nimble fingers, he was a natural thief.

Vyle was growing impatient at not finding any targets. These days, less people dared set out on foot at night. That’s when suddenly, he heard footsteps coming from a sidewalk nearby. Vyle knew the intricate maze of alleys and streets of Murdock by heart. He silently made his way into an alley near the source of the footsteps. An older woman was walking hastily, her high heels clicking against the sidewalk loudly. And she didn’t even appear to be carrying any Pokemon. A perfect target for Vyle. He crouched down low, and then as the lady passed by, he sprung into action. He leapt from the shadows, yanking the small red purse she was carrying right out of her hands. The force of Vyle snatching the purse right from her had caused her to fall right on her back. She screamed, and looked over to where Vyle had come from. But she could only see a cloaked figure darting away, the robe trailing him like the wind.

For the old lady, this will undoubtedly be a traumatic experience. But for Vyle, this was just another day’s work, and the reward was a purseful of cash, and possibly some IDs that he could pawn off on the black market. He made sure to run until he was several blocks away, then in a nearby, dimly lit alley, he began to dig through the woman’s belongings. He tossed random items from the purse onto the street. “Let’s see… make-up, some papers… aah here we go…” he muttered to himself. He pulls out a brown wallet and immediately looks through it. “What?! Where’s the cash? Credit cards? Anything?!” he thought. The only thing he could find in the wallet was a few small coins, a library card, and a picture of that woman with what seemed to be her family. He pocketed the coins, then cast the rest of the stuff onto the street. The picture fell to the ground like a feather, then landed in a puddle of water, smiling faces peering straight into the sky.

For Vyle, this was a huge disappointment. He waited half the night looking for someone, only to find 67 measly Pokecents. Not even close to enough to buy him his next meal, even. Vyle then proceeded home, his home being a large cardboard box in a small, dark corner between two towering, dingy apartment buildings. He sat in the box, atop a couple of old, dirty sheets, remaining very much alert. Vyle dared not sleep until sunrise, for he knew that there were others like him out there prowling, who would take the first chance to prey on a sleeping target. Hours passed, then at the first sign of the sun’s rays, Vyle closed his eyes and drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

As daylight appeared, the city sprung to life. Cars filled the streets, and people filled the sidewalks and outdoor cafes. The city teemed with life, for the most part unaware of the events of last night. But in the narrow space where Vyle slept, there was barely a ray of sunshine. No living creature stirred nearby, except for the occasional curious stray Persian or Virat.

Then, as darkness fell, and most had emptied the streets, like clockwork Vyle sprang up. He knew that if he slept much longer, it would be unsafe. He also wanted to get to the convenience store to spend his “earnings.” Vyle very much doubted he would be able to get anything at all with last night’s slim pickings, but he was hungry.

As he neared the store, he opened his robe and took off his hood to reveal a more normal, innocent look. He had on an old flannel shirt and some tattered jeans. His face was unshaven, and had unevenly cut hair and sparkling blue eyes. He walked into the store, and the few people that were in the store didn’t notice him at all. It was near closing time, so the store was nearly deserted. Even the convenience stores in Murdock were locked tight past a certain hour out of fear of being robbed. Vyle shopped around casually, ironically not stealing anything, since he knew that security cameras were everywhere, watching his every move. He was uncomfortable with that thought, so he wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. He grabbed a small bag of chips, then took out his old water bottle from his side pocket of his robe and fills it up with the water fountain in the back of the store. Vyle knew that water was important to survival, and clean water was hard to find on the streets. He pocketed the full water bottle, then proceeded to the front of the store. The convenience store clerk was a tall and muscular man who looked like he meant business. Vyle placed the bag of chips on the counter, then pulled out every bit of spare change he could muster. “That all?” the clerk said in a gruff, unfriendly voice. Vyle simply nodded. He was lucky that he had exactly enough change to at least buy something for the night. He left the store, then covered up with his robe again.

Vyle returned to the dark labyrinth of the city. He was out of money, and knew he needed to hunt again. He didn’t dare hunt in the same area twice in a row, for he knew the town’s police department could catch him. Though the police department of the city was seemingly nonexistent, Vyle had witnessed a few others being captured before. He knew not to underestimate the predators of his kind.

Two hours passed, and Vyle saw no one. Vyle was growing weary and impatient. Suddenly, the silence of the city was shattered by an ear-piercing scream. Out of curiosity and boredom, Vyle ran towards the source. He pressed against a wall with his back, then peered past the corner of the dark alley. He saw three figures, dressed heavily in white robes. The figures appeared to be surrounding someone else.

“Give us the Pokemon NOW!” one of the figures demanded.

“Your Pokemon is evil. It needs to be purged!” announced the second figure.

“NO! Leave my Eevee alone!” shouted a voice that sounded like a little girl’s.

“Do not stand in our way. The will of Team Judgment is beyond your comprehension, little girl.” The third figure declared.

The figures began to advance on the child, despite her pleas for help. Ear shattering screams could be heard.

Vyle had been watching the incident unfold, silently and attentively. He could not believe what he had seen. For the first time ever, Vyle felt something he had never felt before- pity for the small child.

Instinctively Vyle sprang into action. He knew not what he was doing. With silent footsteps he dashed towards the cloaked men from behind. As hard as he could, he rammed one of the figures, knocking him down. He then punched the second figure directly in the face. His knee then met up with the belly of the third white-cloaked figure. He then grabbed the girl and the Pokemon in his arms, then darted into the shadows, his cloak trailing behind him. “What… do… you… think you’re doing?!” one of the figures shouted, obviously in pain. The men staggered to their feet, then give chase. However, Vyle effortlessly shook the pursuers off in the labyrinth of alleyways.

Vyle headed for the nearest building that he knew would still be open-the Pokemon Center. The girl was silent throughout the short trip, but her Pokemon occasionally cried out, “Vee! Eevee!”

As soon as he arrived at the steps of the Pokemon center, he put the girl down and handed her the Eevee. Police sirens blared in the background. The girl said, in an innocent voice, “Thank you for saving me!” but Vyle had already vanished into the shadows.

O.O that was evil! poor old lady. But the story was cool, and Vyle actually saved the girl. But...team judgment will appear later in the story right? And is Vyle going to get a pokemon? or does he have one already? I will be waiting for the next chapter.

[purple_drake]

Nice, dark feel to it ^.^ description's not bad, perhaps a little short, but I'm guessing it's the prologue. It does seem a little bit impersonal, but that could also be your style.

One thing is that you should put a space between each paragraph, makes it easier to read; other than that there are a few mistakes which I'll go through in a minute.

Your biggest problem so far is that you keep on changing tenses. For instance,

He was uncomfortable with that thought, so he wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.

here you're in past tense (shown by bold), but the sentence after that:

He grabs a small bag of chips, then takes out his old water bottle from his side pocket of his robe and fills it up with the water fountain in the back of the store.

You change to present tense. Try to keep it the same; I'd recommend the past tense, since it's easier to maintain.

Okay, time for the little nit-pickings:

As daylight appeared, the city sprung to life. Cars filled the streets, and people filled the sidewalks and outdoor cafes. The city teemed with life, for the most part unaware of the events of last night. But in the narrow space where Vyle slept, there was barely a ray of sunshine. No life stirred nearby,

I think you repeat the word 'life' too many times here.

It was close to closing time,

Perhaps 'nearer to closing time' would be better?

The convenience store clerk was a tall and muscular man who looked like he met business.

That's supposed to be 'meant', right?

Vyle placed the bag of chips on the counter, then pulled out every bit of spare change he could muster. “That all?” the clerk says in a gruff, unfriendly voice.

You've changed tenses again; I won't point out these mistakes anymore, but reread your work to find them all. There are some at the end, I do remember that.

He could not believer what he had seen.

'Believe'

Uhm... I think there might've been one or two other spelling mistakes I forgot ^.^ but that's okay.

Keep at it, Team Judgement sounds interesting... some kind of team which judges whether trainers are worthy to be trainers according to their own personal Bible or something, perhaps? ^.^ also, Virat sound like a cool name for a pokemon. What are they like? I'll be interested to read more about these things in later chapters.

[PsiUmbreon]

oh, crap... did I really do that? I tried so hard to stay with past tense... ^_^;;; blarg! oh, and, crap, yeah I made some typos too... blargalfj;sdkfj kls!

Anyways, yeah, you can bet on your life that Team Judgment will be in the story.

Oh and as for the spacing, I c/pd it directly from Microsoft Word, and I guess I assumed that the spacing would stay the same... instead it turned out all crappy. blarg!
*goes to edit* yah how could I miss all that present tense? ^_^;

As for Vyle getting Pokemon... well, I was originally going to give him some Pokemon, but then decided not to. But... yeah, just keep reading XD. I think I'll have the next chapter in like, a couple weeks.

That was amazing. I loved it. Please continue this story! I couldn't find any mistakes after you edited it (besides the one I IMed you about)

[indigestible_wad]

Where have you been hiding? You write very well, not superb, but well enough to keep me very interested and on the edge of my seat. This really seems like a good story and I look forard to seeing the rest of it.

[PsiUmbreon]

There. I fixed the mistake you IMd me about. And wad, yeah I can probably do a lot more if I put my mind to it. But, yeah I'm lazy.

[Ladyumbra]

lazyness is notpermitted more has to be written now *shakes*. my only advice is to watch the commas you seem to be very fond of them ^-^

[PsiUmbreon]

I'm sorry... It's hard to find time to write. I will have this fic up on Monday, seeing as though I'll find time to write something then most likely.

Lol, I'm lazy too, or i'd had a fic here a loooooong time ago...pretty good fic, but I don't like thieves that wont even let an old lady get away >.>
dont rush the fic, or it'll seem baaad

[PsiUmbreon]

As promised... here it is! I'm surprised I had time for this, with school and Emerald coming out and all...

Chapter 2
Shadows of Light

Vyle was standing in what looked like the middle of nowhere: an empty plain stretching to the horizon in all directions. The sky was tinted with the shades of sunset, although no sun was visible. Wind howled, softly but chillingly all around him. Alone in this vast emptiness, Vyle actually felt an eerie tinge of fear. He walked in one direction for a bit, hoping to see something beyond the horizon, to no avail. He stopped, and out of desperation, cried “HELLO!” No response.

Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, something moved. It appeared to be… a shadow. As soon as Vyle turned, three more shadows appeared on the ground, all shaped human and wearing robes. The shadows began to circle him. Vyle felt helpless as more shadows appeared and begin to enclose him in their deadly circle. When he was completely surrounded, the shadows rose from the ground, and completely engulfed the helpless Vyle in pitch-black darkness.

Vyle opened his eyes wide, and sprang up with the agility of a Jolteon. It was early evening, but a few minutes before Vyle would ordinarily have woken up. Normally his sleep was the way he preferred it- dreamless. But occasionally, horrifying visions appeared in his sleep. He thought nothing of them, and went on with nightly prowling as usual. Tonight was no different. His mind zeroed in automatically on the next thing he needed-a new victim.

Tonight, Vyle did not have to wait long. He spotted a happy young couple, chatting merrily without a care in the world. As usual, Vyle quickly found the best ambush point. He scanned his targets with his mind. The woman, he knew was no problem. The man, however, looked like he could take Vyle out if they were pitted against each other in a one-on-one fight. He also looked like he had a couple of Pokémon on him.

Of course, this was not enough to stop Vyle. He relied on speed, and the element on surprise rather than strength. He already had a plan to get that backpack off the man’s back. Vyle carried a small knife around him for protection, and for times like this. He was fast enough to cut the straps with a clean sweep of his knife. Then, fast as lightning, he would trip both of his targets, giving him enough time to slip back into the shadows unseen.

As the time to strike neared, Vyle got anxious and began to tremble. “This is a standard operation! This should be as easy as pie; why am I so tense?” He thought. He braced himself anyway. When the precise moment to strike came, Vyle froze up and hesitated. The memory of the night before passed through his head. He remembered the sheer ruthlessness of Team Judgment, and the helplessness of the little girl. He was paralyzed by his memories, and as a result the couple simply passed by, unaware of their sinister stalker.

Vyle could not understand what was going on. He had done this hundreds of times before. “What is so hard about this?” He thought. After a few seconds of pondering to himself, he got up and resumed his hunt. But Vyle could not concentrate. He wandered the alleys aimlessly, haunted by his own thoughts. The memories of last night crossed his mind over and over.

Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, he saw something terrifying-a figure, dressed heavily in a white cloak and wearing a hood. This startled Vyle, and he ran full speed down another alley. Vyle stopped a few blocks later, exhausted from running. As soon as he stopped, a spotlight shined on Vyle from above, blinding him. A helicopter could be heard from above. Ropes descended from the chopper as four figures cloaked in white slid down. A voice could be heard, sounding as though it came from a loudspeaker:

“Vyle: for your actions against Team Judgment, and your lifestyle of unholy sin, you shall be purged!”

Vyle made a run for it as soon as he heard this, darting into the safety of darkness. The figures touched ground, their shoes clicking on the ground, and immediately gave chase. The spotlight from the helicopter followed him, keeping his dark figure illuminated. Vyle knew the alleys by heart and immediately thought of a plan to elude his strange pursuers. He headed for the industrial section of Murdock, where there were places the light of the sun never reached. The spotlight followed his every move as he traversed the labyrinth of dark passages.

Vyle reached a crossroads in the alleys. He had a daring plan to shake off that light. He turned down one of the three other branches of the crossroads, then rolled out of the spotlight and continued hastily down another of the paths. It had worked, as the spotlight shined on him no longer. He was shrouded in darkness once again, barely visible, and still dashing.

But Vyle had not escaped the enemy at all. Three white figures descended from above, blocking his path. Vyle turned on a divergent alley and dashed. Random old newspapers fluttered in the wind created by his speed. The spotlight soon found its way back to Vyle, chasing away the darkness that cloaked him. There were now seven of those strange figures tailing him.

Vyle had reached another crossroads. This time, however, white figures descended from above, blocking off each path, leaving Vyle boxed in. But Vyle was not going to give up that easily. He rammed one of the figures, knocking them clear into the brick wall of the building bordering the alley. Vyle continued down that path, darting past discarded boxes, with the spotlight still following his every move.

At this point Vyle’s exhaustion was beginning to show. He had slowed his normally lightning pace considerably. The 10 or so figures on his tail began to gain on him. His vision began to blur, and he had also began to feel light headed and out of breath. He still continued onward despite his fatigue, running on sheer will. He shut out the pain of exhaustion and focused on the path before him.

Vyle reached a wide street lined with factories. He knew he had reached the industrial area. Here, there were many abandoned warehouses to hide in. However, it seemed like Team Judgment were on to him. They seemed to know his every move. A van appeared in his path, careening towards him, its headlights blinding him further. Vyle had no choice but to leap into a nearby alley. Unfortunately for Vyle, a towering fence lined with barbed wire at the top blocked off this alley. The van rolled in front of the alley. The back doors opened, and at least four more figures hopped out. They pulled out flashlights and shined them directly at his face. Light shone on him from several sources. Vyle nearly collapsed, dizzy with fatigue. The figure in front spoke in a deep, booming voice:

“Fool! You cannot escape! The light of Team Judgment shines upon you.”

“Prepare to be judged!” spoke a second, more feminine voice.

The three figures in front reached for something at their waists-their belts, which had two or three Poké Balls attached. Each one grabbed one of their Poké Balls, then commanded in unison, “Sparquartz, use Light Arrow NOW!” They released their Pokémon. Three obelisk-shaped crystalline Pokémon appeared in front, about knee high, with two small eyes near the top. Their quartz bodies glistened in the light. The Pokémon then each began to glow, and began to charge energy. Glowing white spheres appeared in front of them. Vyle knew he was done for.

“Eevee, Quick Attack!” Vyle heard a familiar young voice in his fatigue. A brown blur then streaked in front of the Sparquartz, knocking them over. It then dashed through the legs of each Team Judgment member, causing them to trip up. Vyle was dumbfounded and did not move for a split second. The voice called out to him, “C’mon!” Without thinking, Vyle headed towards the direction of the voice. He hopped over the stumbling figures as they barely were getting back to their feet. “In here!” the voice shouted, coming from a partially opened manhole in the middle of the street. Vyle slithered into the darkness and closed the manhole cover behind him. Voices could be heard from above:

“You will never escape the light of the holy Team Judgment!”

“The light of Team Judgment will forever shine upon you, casting its revealing light upon your life of sin!”

That was awesome. Keep up the good work!

[purple_drake]

Ooooh...
^.^ much better! If there were any mistakes in there, I didn't notice them... I was too wrapped up in the chase :P
The only thing is your chapters seem a little too short, maybe you work on that.
Keep it up! ^.^

[PsiUmbreon]

Originally Posted by purple_drake

Ooooh...
^.^ much better! If there were any mistakes in there, I didn't notice them... I was too wrapped up in the chase :P
The only thing is your chapters seem a little too short, maybe you work on that.
Keep it up! ^.^

yeah... I noticed that too... and I really am not sure on how to make it longer (plus it takes a long time to write anyways) But yeah, I'm working on it. I'm not gonna make the same mistakes lol.

Anyways, I am working on chapter 3 right now... I sorta have the ideas down in my head for what happens next...

[indigestible_wad]

Well, that was good, and short. But honestly it was good short. You seem to make the shortness seem miniscule to the flow of words and other stuff that pulls you in. That and I'm really not feeling like reading much right now. Sort of energy depleted. ugh

[Miyu-chan]

Wow, very nice. =) I love how Vyle is supposingly from the 'dark'side, and how you made Team Judgement from the 'light' side, but in reality, it seems to be vice versa.

Beautiful plot, no nit-picking from me except this... xD;

As soon as he arrived at the steps of the Pokemon center, he put the girl down and handed her the Eevee. Police sirens blared in the background. The girl said, in an innocent voice, “Thank you for saving me!” but Vyle had already vanished into the shadows.

I don't know, but 'an innocent voice' doesn't really seem to get the girl's thanks accross... It sounds strange somehow. xD;

But great job! I never knew you wrote so well. =)

[Shadowfaith]

That was great Umbz. I'm not normally in to Pokemon fics at all, but this one seems diffrent, it seems to pic at my interests, maybe because I am into dark fics and Angst and such things.

I like the fact that Pokemon are not the main atraction in this and it's more concentrated on...well fighting you could say, there is nothing wrong with some violence *Nudge* XD

Anyways, I will keep an eye out on this fic, Umbz and I hope you carry it on....you better carry it on ¬ ¬ XD I really do look forward to the next chapter!

[Psychic+]

Oooo, suspenceful!

Well, me likes, me likes very much. You really get into Vyle's body and figure out all the best ways to theive and things like that.

My only complaint is that I still saw in the first chapter about four times when a verb was in the past tense, and then here-

Light shined on him from several sources.

That should be shone.

Other then that, I kinda couldn't see Sparquartz very well. All I see is a creature that looks like Regice, but that's it. Virat isn't there either, but that one doesn't matter so much.

Anyways, keep up the good work, and I'll be sure to stay tuned for the next Chapter, which I am really exited about!

~Psychic

[PsiUmbreon]

Originally Posted by Psychic

Oooo, suspenceful!

Well, me likes, me likes very much. You really get into Vyle's body and figure out all the best ways to theive and things like that.

My only complaint is that I still saw in the first chapter about four times when a verb was in the past tense, and then here-
That should be shone.

Other then that, I kinda couldn't see Sparquartz very well. All I see is a creature that looks like Regice, but that's it. Virat isn't there either, but that one doesn't matter so much.

Anyways, keep up the good work, and I'll be sure to stay tuned for the next Chapter, which I am really exited about!

~Psychic

Yeah, I fixed the shine error in Chapter 2... oh and I couldn't find the places where the tense is still wrong in Chapter 1.

Ok, I said that Sparquartz was shaped like an obelisk. An obelisk is basically a geometric shape, like, you know, the Washington Monument in DC? Oh and I promise you a wayy better Virat description in Chapter 3.

Speaking of Chapter 3, I'm going to finish it this weekend and it will be finished on Monday, and posted. This chapter is going to be longer, and a little more Pokemon involved. Yeah, I hope to get a chapter done every 2 weeks or so.

Interesting... lots of minor fix-ups, but pretty good overall. Nice story, well written.. with a touch of melodrama.